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drillkicker

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Posts posted by drillkicker

  1. 3 hours ago, toaoaoad said:

    Yeah same here, that's the positive flipside of having so much unfinished material and a huge library of sounds I've created over 25 years. Constantly repurposing parts of different things, or finding that an old scrap is exactly what I need to fit into a current track that's "missing something".  

    It's still a lot to handle emotionally. Every once in awhile I start digging through the archives and feeling sad that I spent so much time on things that went nowhere. Especially really old stuff from highschool when I had the patience to program really meticulous shit in a tracker lol but the tracks don't really hold up today. Or anything over the years that I spent a lot of time on that ended up neglected and forgotten.

    There are so many things I've made (I mean started) that I eventually forgot about as new projects and folders piled up. Then I get overwhelmed thinking I have to salvage it. Been a long time since I tried going through and doing a purge, definitively choosing that some things don't need to exist, and deleting them forever. It's like having a hoarding problem. I think the fact that things from the past appear at the right moment to complete a present project contributes to this problem in a way, even if it's also a kind of solution.

    The idea of hastily "finishing tracks", ie. having a finished wav file and then never touching it again, was actually a solution to this issue, to give myself peace of mind that I hadn't left something unfinished. Sure I could come back to any of them but that's not what I want, in this case.

    Please dont delete your older works.  I dont know what they sound like but i personally couldnt imagine intentionally deleting even the stupidest old shit that ive made.  Storage space is so cheap these days that you can just put all that stuff into a folder of stuff you dont care for and forget about it.  Its better than deleting it forever.  I just bought myself a 512GB SD card for my music and my entire life's work fits on just 50GB of it.  It's worth it to keep even the stuff that you dont like, even if just for sentimental reasons.

    • Like 1
  2. Ok i have another little update

     

    I have been taking time to work on my projects again apart from my romantic partner.  I feel very fulfilled socially;  i have a band, a very cool and wonderful girlfriend, and a music scene that is supportive of my work, and despite all this i still feel compelled to work.  My original post may have been false.  I still feel the urge to put work into composition even when i am happy.

    • Like 1
  3. 5 hours ago, Summon Dot E X E said:

    Also, just because a piece is "finished" in your mind doesn't mean you can't go back and make a new version of it later. Lots of my old tracks which i eventually saw as bad were able to be reworked or sampled into something new and good

    Yeah some of my best pieces are just remixes of previous ones.  Actually most of the sounds that ive made in my life are just previous sounds edited to a point that theyre completely unrecognizable.  I just do that endlessly and it expands arborescescently.

    • Like 3
  4. On 9/30/2023 at 5:22 PM, toaoaoad said:

    How is your piece coming along, drill?

    I was thinking about this post yesterday. I've been pretty creatively dried up for the past few months. For most of June and early July I was trying to do daily tracks again - that is, to have a finished wav file at the end of each day, although a lot of the work was focused on finishing up pre-existing unfinished things because sometimes I feel crushed under the weight of how many unfinished tracks I have and what is the point of continuing with any of it if a) I just keep starting new shit and finishing so little of it, b) no one is listening anyway lol and c) the impermanence of all things and ultimate futility of it all, making music as merely a distraction and frivolous entertainment to pass the time in an otherwise meaningless existence. A track being "finished" meant that the wav was the final result and I wasn't going to work on that track anymore. Lots of it was still just garbage, lots of very short tracks (under a minute) and many are just beats with no harmony/melody. But it helped to know the thing was "finished", like I was gradually clearing up the pieces. But then I also wasn't starting any new tracks anymore because of the burden I had taken on of "needing to finish these" and ultimately stopping again altogether sometime around mid-July because none of this was appealing to do anymore. 

    Meanwhile I acquired the keys to a relatively private space where I could get an actual piano and move some other keyboards in and stuff, and ultimately was going to create a studio there, all starting back in June. At the time I was so excited, it was like this massive step forward in my life as a musician, after feeling stifled for over 2 years in my current apartment where I can't make any fucking noise at all without the neighbours bitching (which actually has a huge amount to do with how blocked I've become overall) - but my enthusiasm for it wore off quickly and it became just another thing I've been putting off.

    I'd go there and all I would do was practice this one piece on the piano, a relatively difficult piece and especially for me as my training is in jazz, improvisation from chord charts etc is my MO, and so learning fully written pieces note by note and all the embellishment and mastery that has to go into something like that is a pretty novel challenge for me. A similar thing happened in early lockdown although I wasn't creatively blocked at the time, I was still improvising, I just wanted a new challenge. This time has been different, like an obsessive fixation. Learning a jazz tune you just memorize the chord progression and the melody and then you "know" the tune. But something like this is a never-ending spiral of perfecting this and that, maintaining accuracy and nuance at faster and faster tempos, and then just keeping the skill up over time because it can go away so quickly. And it has been all I've wanted to do when I go to this place that is a blank canvas for a whole new era of creativity for me. Just working on this one goddamn piece, hammering it out. If I "zoom out" and look at myself in this situation this piece has very clearly been an outlet for all my frustration and stuckness. It has been fun and rewarding of course and now I can play this complex fast piece and impress people or whatever lol, whatever that's worth. But I now see it as this kind of phenomenon that encapsulates the overall massive blockage I'm experiencing now, after 3 years of pandemic, stifling living conditions, heartbreak and sexual frustration, disillusionment. I'm glad I was able to stay musical at all during this time, but I can't help but wonder when my passion for making tracks, writing new music, pursuing "professional" musical opportunities again, will come back. I just can't be bothered with any of it right now. I still work on tracks (like I say the unfinished pile is always there waiting for me) and have even made a couple that I really like over the summer. But for the most part I'm still avoiding all of it.

    Anyway thanks for reading lol

    Thanks for thinking about this post and reminding me of it 🙂

    The piece is finished and it will be included in my next album, an anthology of my favorite stuff that ive made over the past decade.  Im still working with people on the visual design for it but one of my friends has a small label and is putting it on cd.

    Finishing the piece was like how you describe.  It was an almost debilitating obsession that held me captive for a month during which i wasnt able to care about anything else.  I would listen to it on repeat all day every day and make small tweaks when i had the time, only stopping when i had absolutely no more energy and had to go to sleep.  I managed to finish it just before playing at an outdoor noise festival in west virginia.  It was an awesome weekend.

    Ironically, i started a new romance with someone i met at the festival and havent even thought about working on music for the past month and a half because of it.  Maybe my original post was true.  It might be too late for me.

    • Like 2
  5. 11 minutes ago, ignatius said:

    https://www.npr.org/2023/09/29/1202474725/2023-government-shutdown-update

    NPR and PBS always free. 

    What closes and what keeps running in a federal government shutdown 

    September 29, 20235:00 AM ET
     

    gettyimages-1695476848-eb15f0aee3396f83f

     

    Government funding runs out at the end of the day on Sept. 30, meaning many federal government services will halt until funding resumes.

    Mandel Ngan/AFP via Getty Images

    Lawmakers are inching closer to a government shutdown when government funding runs out at the end of the day on Sept. 30. With a deal nowhere in sight, federal agencies are bracing to place hundreds of thousands of workers on unpaid furlough until funding is restored.

    The federal government hasn't faced this dilemma since 2018 when the federal government shut down for 35 days, stretching into the new year in 2019. As in shutdowns past, people across the country will see a pause in federal services, programming and pay. 

     

     

    The White House chief of staff says it's on House Republicans to avert a shutdown

    Washington, D.C., residents and visitors could feel the impact quickly. Smithsonian facilities will remain open until money runs out. Then they will close, which could dampen the celebrations to say goodbye to the giant pandas in the National Zoo. Wildlife lovers outside of D.C. could see the National Park Service's highly anticipated "Fat Bear Week" interrupted as well.

    Elsewhere, the impacts of a shutdown are likely to snowball as employees go without pay and programs run out of funding to operate.

    Still — many services will still be available. The Food and Drug Administration will continue "All vital FDA activities related to imminent threats to the safety of human life," Social Security checks will still be issued, Veterans Affairs facilities will remain open. Air traffic and airport personnel will still be on the job, even if without pay, unless employees begin to call in sick to work as they did during the last shutdown.

    Another institution still running when the money runs out? Congress. They'll keep working without pay, including many of the staffers that keep the Capitol running.

    Although most major federal agencies have not announced their plans for what would stay open and closed during a potential shutdown, here's what we see could be affected and what could continue.

     

    Federal employees could be furloughed or asked to work without pay

    The National Federation for Federal Employees, one of the unions that represents federal workers, estimates that 2.1 million civilian federal workers could see delayed paychecks and roughly 4 million federal contract workers could receive no paycheck.

    A representative for the Capital Area Food Bank in Washington told NPR the organization is making preparations for as many as 100,000 federal workers who could need food assistance if the government shuts down.

    Nutrition and food assistance programs could be paused

    The Agriculture Department, which runs the Supplemental Food Assistance Program (SNAP) and the Women Infants and Children (WIC) programs, is preparing for the nearly 7 million pregnant and postpartum women, infants and children who rely on WIC to lose access during a shutdown.

    The USDA Food and Nutrition Service is likely to run out of funding to support normal WIC operations just a few days into a shutdown, according to USDA. The impact on WIC would likely be staggered because some states may have carryover funds or can use their own funds to continue program operations for different amounts of time.

     

    Millions of Americans will lose food assistance if the government shuts down

    Still, Kate Franken, board chair for the National WIC Association, urges families to still seek benefits they think they might qualify for.

    "I do think it gets to be really confusing for the public when they see information about a federal government shutdown and wonder what that means for various programs and services that they receive," Franken said. "There's a risk, and we've experienced this before during shutdowns, where families just sort of assumed that they can't use their benefits or that they shouldn't go to their appointment because services may be closed."

    Households that receive SNAP benefits, formerly known as food stamps, will receive October nutrition assistance as usual regardless of a potential shutdown. It is unknown how November benefits may be impacted should a shutdown persist.

     

    Social services for food and education come to a halt

    Head Start, which supports education for 3- and 4-year-olds across the country, and Meals on Wheels, which brings food to elderly people, could also get interrupted.

    National Parks are expected to close

    Visitor centers, campgrounds, research facilities and museums could be closed for the duration of a shutdown. This would affect events and attractions scheduled for these sites. Depending on how long the shutdown persists, this could create interruptions during the Indigenous People's/Columbus Day three-day weekend for many.

     

    Thousands of federal firefighters face a looming pay cut. How much is up to Congress

    Last week, Sen. John Barrasso, R-Wyo., sent a letter to Interior Secretary Deb Haaland asking the department to use the Federal Lands Recreation Enhancement Act to keep national parks and public lands open during a shutdown. Funds from the law were used in 2018 to keep most parks open.

    Health care is likely to go uninterrupted, but research could pause

    People who get health care or health insurance from the federal government, whether that's through Medicare or the Indian Health Service, should not experience any interruption in their care. They would still still go to the doctor and still make appointments.

    The Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services has enough money to keep paying states for Medicaid and CHIP, the Children's Health Insurance Program, for at least for three months. That's good news for around 90 million low-income people who rely on those health insurance programs

    However, community health centers that get their funding from federal grants could see their funding interrupted by a shutdown. Some clinics are warning they may need to cut back services or staff depending on the timing of the possible shutdown and how long it lasts.

    Other disruptions could occur at federal health agencies. A report from the Department of Health and Human Services says 42% of agency staff would be furloughed. The National Institutes of Health would furlough nearly 80% of its staff — the only work that would continue is caring for patients at NIH's research hospital. 

     

    Service members would also work without pay

    A shutdown would likely affect some 1.3 million active-duty servicemembers who would continue to work but would not get a paycheck. Of the estimated 800,000 Pentagon civilians, some 200,000 would be required to work without pay, because they are "excepted" and roles considered "necessary to protect life and property." 

     

    What a government shutdown would mean for the U.S. military — and national security

    Another 439,000 of those would stay home without pay, the remainder are paid outside annual appropriations and wouldn't be affected. The White House says all this would be disruptive to national security. The servicemembers are paid twice a month, and the next payday is Friday, Sept. 29.

    Military commissaries in the U.S. and abroad — which are basically neighborhood grocery stores — will stay open for approximately 60 days into the new fiscal year without appropriations, according to the Defense Department. After the funds run out, only overseas and remote locations will stay open, they warn. 

    The shutdown would also affect those servicemembers scheduled to move to a new assignment. That travel would be halted during a shutdown.

    Federal law enforcement efforts could slow

    Larry Cosme, president of the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Association, said a lack of funding also means that there are no resources for federal agencies to continue participating in federal-state-local task forces. He said this includes those working on human trafficking investigations, to disrupt terrorist operations, and crack down on drug violations.

    But why

  6. I think ive finally finished the new composition ive been working on for the past month.  I thought i would feel good after it was finished but i just feel fucking insane.  Ive been obsessively working on it nonstop.  I dont want to listen to it or think about it anymore.  I keep thinking it's finished and then I find more things that im dissatisfied with and i go back and edit it but i think ive finally refined it to perfection.  There is nothing left to do and now i dont know how to relax.  The piece wont be out until november 20 so i wont even get any recognition until then.  I really didnt want this piece to be this much work but it just had to be this way.  There was no easier way with this one.  I hate it.  Im listening to death in june right now so i dont have to be reminded of electronic sounds.

    • Like 2
  7. 9 hours ago, Alcofribas said:

    what i'm focused on here is spiral's claim, with which you agreed, that getting into modular/hardware is "the death of creativity." i mean, i think it's really obvious that people make extremely beautiful and creative music with hardware so i don't think that claim has any merit whatsoever. sure, there are people who get walls of modular and make absolutely shit music but this is infinitely more true for people making music with their computers. 

    i'd like to talk a bit about this idea that "all you need" is a computer and a daw and max or something like that. obviously, that's a powerful set up and if that's what you specifically are into that's lush and i don't wish to criticize that for you. there's something quite attractive about that to me, even. but i think generally speaking the computer makes us talk like this. it makes us think we need it, and it is all we need. it's both the bare minimum and the maximum. people always refer to their computer and smartphone as something they need. it's as though you're cut out of life itself without this bare minimum of a few thousand dollars of devices (and you absolutely will have to continue to spend lots of money on these over time). and there is a kind of hostility here toward other ways of doing things. it makes us think in terms of "i don't need to do something else if i can do it on my computer with ease." i think, for one thing, if we are talking about creativity this attitude is a form of laziness. since when is music making all about doing what is easiest? doing things the "hard way" is often very rewarding work. i don't use modular gear but i can imagine there is a special kind of joy in patching something up. the way it inherently makes you slow down could really help put you into a nice state for opening yourself up to music. the way you can just patch randomly and find totally unexpected sounds could really create some amazing surprises and bring the music in for you. all the tactile sensations happening, the colors, maybe even odors involved, all these can talk to your imagination. so to me it's unintuitive to say that it's "annoying" to do this or the "death of creativity" when you could more "easily" do this on a computer. especially since the computer is almost all visual, and since we use it for so many things it lacks the kind of specificity of instruments. 

    i also think that this insistence on how the computer can replace everything overestimates the "ease" this technology brings to our lives. there are many angles to criticize this. for instance, specifically i think typing on a text screen is legit rubbish technology; imo autocorrect isn't correcting your mistakes it's correcting for a bad interface that makes you use your thumbs to press a visual cue the size of an apple seed on a flat piece of glass. is it truly easier to use a mouse to change a value than using a knob? is it easier to open up a softsynth than to have an actual synth in front of you? i think this stuff adds up, especially when you see how this technology encroaches on our lives so insidiously - everything must be done with the computer. so i think when we evaluate "ease" we would also want to take into account the accumulative effect of mediating so much in our life with one single technology. there's a lot of burn out here, depression, fatigue, just from constantly staring at a flat screen alone. earlier spiral directed his ire at the #analog and what is that? it's a computer phenomenon! even when you are using analog or going dawless you are compelled to represent it on social media. it's not real until it's online and be can scrolled through on a phone.

    so i see this tendency to regard computers as this fundamental necessity in our lives that we basically never question. we might even have an ironic stance toward them - lots of memes for instance about phone addiction, binging on social media, stuff like that - but we never part ways with it. and with this is an antagonism to other technologies, other approaches to doing things a computer supposedly can do. and it's this kind of thing that i'm aiming my sights on. obviously, computers are an awesome technology (i am typing on one presently) and not only do i not hate computer music but i actually love what it can do (the autechre brothers are divine entities imo). but i very much encourage efforts to shut off the screen and do things "the hard way." not for you, specifically of course. but generally speaking.

     

    I dont think ive ever dissed physical gear (since i use mixing board and effect pedals at live shows often) but i do really dislike the way it's fetishized.  People seem to think that spending more money on more gear will give them more ability to do more things with sound when really that's just a waste of money and space.  To me it feels much easier to make weird sounds with hardware than with software because of the tactile response and the money that you invested to get the thing, but the vast majority of people who use this hardware, i suspect, don't actually know whats going on behind the faceplate.  They wouldnt be able to visualize what the devices are doing to the waveforms that are being put into them.  So the machines make it feel like they can do more but really it's just because they dont have to learn as much background knowledge than they would need in order to do the same thing on their computer.  My hot take is that using tools like max or supercollider force you to learn a thing or two about audio signals and i think learning to use these is a very helpful tool to become an adaptable musician, producer, or sound engineer.  Knowing how to process your inputs in order to create a certain effect opens up many more ways to experiment with these processes.

    That's not to say that physical gear doesn't have its valid applications, it definitely does.  Being able to control multiple things at a time with both hands is a massive advantage over just using a mouse.  The physical objects are also less distracting than a bunch of stuff cluttered together and compartmentalized on a single screen, and placements of your gear can also be used creatively.  Also, and most importantly for me, the chemical properties of analog circuits cant be modelled on a digital system.  This is the sole reason why i own gear at all.  I cant make a no-input feedback loop on a computer without adding some sort of artificial buffer somewhere in the loop, and it also wouldn't account for the heating and cooling of different circuits which lead to unpredictable results.  Things like this are the actual reasons to use physical gear, but just buying things to make up for your lack of ability is a bad habit imo.

    Personally i dont have the money or the space for more than a few pieces of gear, and travelling to shows frequently means i have to trim down my tools to the bare minimum that i need, so i dont bother with a lot of stuff.  Even when i have had synthesizers and semimodular things i realized that i could do more interesting things on my computer but with fewer limitations so i got rid of most of it.  I love that i can just work for hours without ever encountering a roadblock.  I never find myself running out of cables or not being able to use the same effect multiple times and that allows me to do much more with the time that i have to work.

    It seems like youre arguing with more people than just me which idk anything about.  Im used to being around people who are all about gear so im usually the one with the unpopular opinion about this, so maybe im just not hip to the mainstream conversation.  This is just what ive come to think my living and making sounds.

    • Like 1
  8. 11 hours ago, Alcofribas said:

    i would argue that a computer and software qualify as "gear" and are the main equipment used to make music in the 21st century. i personally think this is a kind of "gear lust." something like the notion that you can "do more," everything is "more efficient" or whatever with a computer is the dominant ideology of music-making in our time. 

    to me, characterizing having an interest in non-computer technology as a kind of corrupting "gear lust" is really ignoring how beholden we are to computers. this is a something of a bugbear of mine, not meant with hostility toward you

    I dont see that.  Most people who make electronic music own a computer of some form, with a DAW even.  I just add max/msp on top of that and that's all i need.  No need for continual thousands of dollars spent on modules.  I already have everything i need and ive been using the same tools (max+ableton) for the past decade or so.  Ive acquired more gear since then but none of it stuck and i always revert to the same two tools.  I use max to make the sounds and i use live intro to edit sounds into finished pieces.  That's all i need and i dont expect that will ever change.

    Also, i dont think physical devices = gear lust.  As i said, i have friends who make very cool sounds with eurorack modules.  It just isnt something i can afford.  But buying modules you dont need in order to make music that could easily be made on a computer alone is annoying and irresponsible.

    • Like 1
  9. 36 minutes ago, Summon Dot E X E said:

    I've been there, and I also worried that if I did things differently I would lose my artistic drive or skills. What actually happened was the opposite - becoming more satisfied in my life motivated me even more to be creative.

    Don't despair and feel you are trapped. You don't need to be miserable to be a good artist. I know that's the cliche, but it is possible to find a good balance.

    This is a dark time in history. Mistrust is at an all-time high. It's due to a number of causes that are outside of our control. People are demoralized and divided, seeing terrible news everywhere they look. I'm sorry about your loss of friends. Perhaps if you focus on your passion and try to stay positive, new relationships will replace them.

    Good things will come to you if you keep trying.

    I think the problem is mostly just that people my age dont care about anything.  Theyre all lazy and disinterested in everything around them and i cant change them.  I dont think anything good will come out of my generation.

    • Like 1
    • Farnsworth 1
  10. Ive been in a very dark place lately.  Ive lost a lot of friends over the past year and the ones i still have are becoming almost intolerable to me.  I hate how unreliable and selfish people are and it makes me wish i could just be a hermit.  Every day i feel a strange mix of hopelessness and anger and i have no outlet because nobody wants to hear what i have to say.

     

    Simultaneously i have been more productive and creative over the past month than i was for the past year before that.  I have noticed this trend throughout my life.  I become much more artistically prolific when i feel absolutely unbearable loneliness and emotional atrophy.  For some reason misery motivates me to creativity.  This has, in the past, deterred me from making decisions that were likely to result in happiness out of fear that i would lose my compulsion to pursue artistic creation.

    I have lately been working nonstop at a new composition to commemorate the tenth anniversary of my first album and it has become something of an obsession.  I have lost patience for anything that isn't related to the project that I'm working on and I can't bring myself to rest even for a brief moment.  It is consuming my life.

    This isn't an unfamiliar experience to me and I've made some of my best work in similar places.  I think it's because at the moment there is nothing else in my life for me to think about, and musical projects are an effective way to remain productive while experiencing emotional distress.  I will continue to obsessively edit this one piece every day until i finally make it out of this.  Who knows how long that will take.

    • Like 9
  11. 3 hours ago, hoggy said:

    Surely you can be just as creative with physical gear? It just gives a different kind of interface and a more predetermined scope of patch/sound creation/signal manipulation.. She Began To Cry Tears Of Blood.. Traditional Synthesiser... and the Daniel Lanois albums are some of my favourites by Snares, and the Analord stuff fucking rules

    Have you guys considered that maybe their interests just changed musically and it's not like modular synths are like the One Ring magically corrupting their minds? And also approaching middle age, they might have chilled out and their veins are not coursing with adrenaline and cortisol?

    Tbh ive never heard anything by venetian snares that i liked.  I do have some irl friends who do wicked stuff with eurorack modules but venetian snares making breakcore trax with a huge modular wall seems wasteful to me when people with little portable cabinets are doing cooler stuff (and even building the modules themselves).

  12. On 8/5/2023 at 10:53 AM, hello spiral said:

    Yeah, the absolute death of creativity

    Him and aphex are evidence of that, stay away from gear lust kids

    This is really true though.  Ive gotten rid of every piece of gear ive ever acquired except for a few guitar pedals.  It always gets frustrating that i cant (easily) change what's inside it and i just go back to my computer and max/msp where i can change everything.

    I think steven stapleton also commented on the pitfalls of gear lust in an interview where he talks about lemon kittens.

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