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Plum

Knob Twiddlers
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Everything posted by Plum

  1. Yeah but how much does this vintage playing card look like Ed Sheeran… … un-fucking-canny!
  2. I’ll take your entire stock.
  3. Reminds me when I was 10ish and my local newspaper dubbed me ‘a menace with a laser pointer’. Never caught me tho! Those were the days.
  4. Whenever you see the word “precious” in any text, does the voice inside your head momentarily switch to Gollum voice? Mine does.
  5. I genuinely thought Kakapo’s old attachment thread was to blame.
  6. I hope I can too. Thank you Nintendo. Powerful stuff.
  7. Unless you’ve got an endoscope that’s gonna be tricky. Postmistress Julie hand delivered the package. Kakapos trying to unwrap it using just his colon as we speak.
  8. Motgerfucker you’ve crossed a line. You know I love Blue Habour check shirts. Don’t weaponise that. edit: I’m absolutely livid. I’m serious never bring Blue Harbour check shirts into this again. edit: I’m actually shaking with rage.
  9. I am sorry Kakapo. I’m sorry you’re a lycra clad-road bike-bummy-gang wannabe. I bet you linger down side roads and alleyways on your tricycle, in your homemade clingfilm outfit that you’ve adorned with brand logos like GIANT, Shimano & Team Sky using Sharpies. Waiting for groups of unaware cyclists to pass by, so you can tag on behind and imagine what it’s like to have real friends (even if it is only briefly, before they notice your mouth stench, pick up the pace and shake you off like the unwanted turd you are) edit: your knees are bad due to years of noshing-off strangers in public toilets in exchange for single cigarettes.
  10. Yeah, but just think of all the old dear poon he must’ve dusty-pumped in that year tho. 👵🏼 on tap.
  11. Yep, that's exactly how it starts. First you buy yourself a drum kit. Then you're wearing lycra cycling gear on Sundays. Before you know it, you're frequenting that lay-by on the outskirts of town, the one that's popular with other straight men. You know the one (if not, pm me for postcode).
  12. ... or is it more like this? Surely one of them is close.
  13. So I just got back from the post office. I showed postmistress Julie this thread. She fucking hates Kakapo too. She hopes that all his parcels go astray and his private & confidentials get read by his neighbours.
  14. That reminds me, I’ve finished crocheting that dildo you ordered. I’ll get it safely packed in prawn crackers and dropped off to postmistress Julie shortly.
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