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Cryptowen

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About Cryptowen

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  1. sorry yeah i won't post this sort of material again. disregard previous posts plz
  2. i officially quit my dishwasher job but my former boss still contacts me whenever the current washers are a no-show to see if i'll cover. and in the moment it's always like "oh sweet, i could use the $100ish i'd make from this, and also lots of free food (aka an opportunity to binge eat & feel shitty about myself for a couple of days after)". but there's this background trepidation, this sense that all i'm really doing is continuing an unhealthy relationship with this job & this city & this time, and i'm keeping myself comfortable enough that another year will go by, and i'll still be in the exact same position i am now, telling myself that eventually i'll discover a path to a better career, or i'll be recognized for something i actually want to be recognized for, or i'll be able to deadlift enough weight to feel good about myself as a human being. fingers crossed that this current unemployment leads to meaningful change rather than just being part of another familiar cycle. sometimes it's a bit concerning, it seems like all i do each day is work out & meditate & make music & spend way too much money on food, and none of these things seem like they lead anywhere, but still i feel like that's all i want to give my attention to. i want this all to lead somewhere good. i want to look back at this period many years hence & think "yeah, that was definitely the grind era. i'm glad i kept at it & didn't give up". i don't want this feeling of the walls pressing in a little closer each day, or this sense that i'm always becoming a more diminished version of myself. less to say. less potential. more remote. less emotions. calcifying.
  3. the last word of this post made me re-read the whole thing as if it were Donald Trump tweeting about MDE & it kinda works
  4. i think they're might be a couple of alt-right types at my gym, because somebody's been putting #GREATAWAKENING stickers with pepe the frog all over the street outside
  5. i feel like weird loner internet dudes who go far down the alt-right rabbit hole to redpill town & then all the way to the land of vast satanic pedophile conspiracies are also often the type to become obsessed with increasingly bizarre bodybuilding rituals & hacking their brains with nootropics. It's all stemming from a basic "i don't feel like i'm doing well in mainstream society so i'm going to prove everyone else is wrong & i am the true lone wolf alpha male" mindset
  6. i mean i did give several thousand dollars//all my money to random people on the street once over the course of about 36 hours, and as a result of that spent several months sleeping in parks on a big piece of foam i found ouside a shoe store. and probably a great deal of money lost doing shit like this ie buying food & throwing it away. sunk opportunity costs from going into these vague states & losing entire days where i could be working (and that's the only thing that really makes me feel happy any more, feeling like i'm working on myself or on art stuff). it all feels very suboptimal & like it's hampering my progress. gonna sleep on it, thx dude
  7. ^i would like to! i still find myself engaging in intellectually stimulating banter with people i view as peers, but it feels like it's been a v.v.long time since i've encountered anyone who felt like i could truly view them as a teacher or an authority figure or a healer. i do recognize that i have some trust issues in that regard, perhaps somewhat of a defensive "it's a shithole but it's my shithole" mentality w/r/t my brain
  8. tbh this has been my approach largely. i got scared away from seeking professional help because literally everyone else in my family did that & ended up becoming dulled & unhappy (in their own words), and growing up i felt like i'd rather be violently unhappy then like that. i've gotten much better in the last few years at recognizing these states when they're coming on & catching them before they become outward expressions, diminishing them, laughing them off like "oh you silly brain problem, i don't identify with you, i'm beating you, i'm growing out of you". so looking at the slip ups in the last few weeks doesn't feel so much like genuine concern as self-annoyance, because it's in a sense costly to put myself in this position where i don't feel like i can leave my house for a few days. i want to go do yoga & shit. but imma try to make the most of it by getting some music done & photos done & maybe draw or write. sry for filling up this thread with vague mental quagmires
  9. when it happens it feels like i'm floating over my body watching it go. like usually i'll even be commenting on it in the moment like "oh, this again...hope it stops soon". i remember first becoming consciously aware of it in highschool. but according to my mom, when i was a little baby there'd be times where i'd just start slamming my face into things, seemingly with the intent of causing injury. i do have very early formative memories of becoming enraged whenever i'd make a mistake on one of the little math quizzes my dad used to get me to do - punching myself in the face & doing it over until I got it right. i do that at dance parties sometimes as well when i'm rly emotional, just start hitting myself in genuine anger until I draw blood the main reason i want to believe in reincarnation is so that i can keep doing this life over until i get it right. i feel like that's what's happening. there's a sense of familiarity to everything. i feel like i've done all this before, but not quite the same way edit: i should also clarify that it's always been self-directed, at my own body or property, seemingly as "punishment" for something. never violence towards other people
  10. i bought $60 worth of groceries today using the money i made playing a show last night, but then in the afternoon i just went & destroyed all of it (smashed a full carton of eggs into the sink, tossed an open thing of coffee grounds across the kitchen, threw out a bunch of meat & buckweat, poured out all the creamers) while saying "you don't fucking deserve to eat" loud enough that the people next door conspiciously stopped talking. i had a brief urge to throw my computer at the wall but then i calmed down i notice that in recent days i've been slipping back into some destructive headspaces from a few years ago, perhaps as a biproduct of living alone & being unemployed again & thus been left largely to my own devices at the end of a day like this i always tell myself "okay tomorrow we'll start being really strict again & channel this energy into music, and in two or three days of not eating anything & doing a lot of meditating we'll be cleansed enough to be able to go outside". like no hyperbole this is a regular occurance where i feel deeply unclean in my being & have to undergo a several day long purification ritual before i can leave my apartment (and usually at least a week or two of strict routine adherence before i feel like i can interact with anyone who knows me irl. it's like i'm rebuilding my shell persona or something)
  11. lol people you've met irl sending weird internet horror content (body deformities, vids of people dying, etc.) feels kinda like if your coworker came in one day all like WOW, I WATCHED SOME PRETTY FAR OUT FETISH PORN LAST NIGHT, Y'ALL. some internet things are supposed to stay strictly confined to the internet FWP: i'm picking out which pictures to keep out of all the ones i've taken in the last month, and a lot of the ones i like aesthetically also happen to prominently feature random strangers going about their days. i always have this problem with photography where it feels hard to draw the line between "capturing the world as it is" and "kinda stalkery"
  12. tbh i only found myself going back to a few tracks off syro over & over (and that likely has a lot more to do with me going through a phase of life where i wasn't devoting much energy to other ppl's music in general, rather than it being an unworthy album), but some of the things he's put out since then have been fockin killllah (i feel like i'd rank cheetah ep right up there with my favs). lookin forward to whatever he comes out with, which i can't say about too many of the other musicians i was into at age 19
  13. the increased likelihood of dying a violent, gory death at the hands of a sword or an animal or some shit definitely would stress me out. but maybe it was more a fact of life back then & ppl were thus more zen about it
  14. live show brought in a couple hunrit dollars & most of the attendees were just randos who saw the couple dozen posters a friend & i peppered around town one evening I'M RICH it was also really valuable getting some insight into how various themes i'm exploring played out on speakers, in a room, to a crowd. the stuff that really got a response, the stuff that immediately felt like "okay this is good but it is really meant to be experienced in the context of being alone in your room with headphones". took a lot of notes. i intend to keep exploring these realms, master them, git rich etc they gave me free booze ppl danced
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