Royal Dansk Butter Cookies or How I Stopped Worrying and Joyrex Saved My Marriage

[T3551ER]

Aight, so, the other night I said to my wife: "Hey hon, I'm going to the store later, do you want anything?" It seemed like such an innocuous request. Little did I know it would turn into my own personal Kobashi Maru. 

"Oh, yeah, could you pick me up some cookies?" Ok, so far, so good. "But, um, don't get me any of the cookies you usually do." Ah... ok, so- "Oh, and don't get me any of the types of cookies I usually like." I could feed my brain beginning to lock down, the equivalent of asking a robot in 1980's sci fi to resolve a paradox. I thought about asking for additional guidance but I knew what that would result in: a ball withering stare of scorn and a loudly thought "No dude, FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT." My testicles shrank at the mere notion of a thought of the look. 

15 minutes later, I'm at the Food Lion, basket half full of the necessary items, steadily rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet in the cookie aisle. You may or may not know this, but the selection of cookies at Food Lion... well, it's not fucking Harrod's of London ok? Peperidge Farm collection? No, that's firmly in the "usual" category. Crispy, thin chocolate chip? No you fool! She said nothing like she usually likes!!! I was at an impasse. Do I shoot the moon and just get all the cookies available? 100% cover all options. Is that madness? Why does my breathe smell so bad in this mask? Did it always smell so bad? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME IT SMELLED SO BAD? stay on target, .... stay on target.. this is about the cookies you idiot, FOCUS ON THE COOKIES

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blue glimmer, a shimmering azure ray of god-given hope radiating from the top shelf. It was there. It was them. As if they had always been there waiting for me. And I remembered. I remembered that one thread where Joyrex said his wife fucking loved these cookies or maybe I just made that up in my head but fuck it let's go with it. The Royal Dansk aka the Royalest Danks 

 

I grabbed that gleaming blue tin like a dog catching a frisbee but I used my hands not my mouth and I didn't jump and hey actually it was really nothing like that but it seemed like a good simile at the time. I ran (I walked calmly but briskly) to the counter where I flung my groceries onto the belt  (I went to the self checkout line and patiently waited for a couple of college kids to finish buying a case of Budweiser) proclaiming THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!! (I didn't say a damn thing, and definitely didn't make eye contact with anyone and of course made sure to use my MVP card to get a .30cent discount on the Simply Fruit Punch. I have a toddler wtf do you want from me)  

Driving home I was still trepidatious. What if Joyrex had steered me wrong? What if that blue gleam was some Black Lodge entity trying to reverse-Dougie me into a anti-Mr. Jackpots scenario where everything I touched turned to shit, like a reverse Midas - though, come to think of it, I think the moral of that story was that having everything you touch turns to gold sucks? - and my wife absolutely hated it. 

I arrived at the house, slowly turning the stereo down so that the bass from 1st 44 didn't shatter my neighbors windows. I took a deep breathe. I walked in the house, popped the groceries down on the counter. I unsheathed the Royal Butter Cooks from their wrapping, knowing I had minutes to spare before the inevitable "hey hon, um... did you get cookies" text would appear. I grabbed a careful assortment, placed them on a plate, then whisked away to the bedroom, where my wife waited. I carefully opened the door so as not to wake the baby, and slid the plate to her, walking away quickly ... what rage mighdst break forth had I not provided the appropriate sustaining morsels?!!!

The night wore on, my cell phone remained silent. I began to breathe easier. When I slipped into bed later, the plate was next to the bed - not a cookie to be seen! My balls, having once retreated into my inguinal canal slowly began to descend, a slithering release of pressure, a sigh, and a slight smile pressed across my face. I slept, the sleep of the just, the sleep of the triumphant. 

The test was passed. We live to fight another day. Joyrex saves another marriage. HIS NAME BE PRAISED!

 

 

[Dragon]

thread epically won in the OP, hands down. champion of champions you are.

[Hugh Mughnus]

beautiful

[Silent Member]

I laughed I cried I grew older and wiser

[diatoms]

                                                                                         growing up, christmas time & royal dansk butter cookies

                                                                                                            bringing back memories:)

                                                                                                glad they've descended back to their original location

[cruising for burgers]

14 minutes ago, Hugh Mughnus said:

beautiful

 

[Joyrex]

Told ya - I haven't been married 27 years for nothing!

[cruising for burgers]

This thread deserves its own subforum... Or at least pin it on genban... 

[zero]

I was following along perfectly until the part about your wife texting you after you arrived home, and then later after the cookies were delivered. do you guys text each other while you're both inside the same house? 

[cichlisuite]

3 minutes ago, zero said:

I was following along perfectly until the part about your wife texting you after you arrived home, and then later after the cookies were delivered. do you guys text each other while you're both inside the same house? 

T355IER lives in a large mansion. It's lonely on top of the world.

[cruising for burgers]

They're both mute, duhhhh... 

[whosebrian]

2 hours ago, T3551ER said:

I've had a lot of stale cookies from metal tins.

[Braintree]

I've never been impressed by these cookies, but it's nice to know what they're there for.

Saving marriages.

[dingformung]

I hated reading that. Such an annoying text

[T3551ER]

1 hour ago, cichlisuite said:

T355IER lives in a large mansion. It's lonely on top of the world.

 

1 hour ago, Tim_J said:

They're both mute, duhhhh... 

Its a combo of these. We tried to tie the rotting carcasses of our murdered servantas together and waggle them rhythmically but game of telephone and all that. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, but srsly, my wife goes to bed w the baby and then usually texts me to bring her food and stuff. Like ringing a bell but won't disturb a slumbering child

3 hours ago, Joyrex said:

Told ya - I haven't been married 27 years for nothing!

[Silent Member]

7 hours ago, dingformung said:

I hated reading that. Such an annoying text

First thread in ages that contains something close to the golden era of watmm when I was just a guest lurker and you come out shitting on it. boo.

 

Fuck I regret replying to this and giving it attention. Sorry, carry on. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Silent Member

[Squee]

Dip them in tea or coffee and you'll never look back.

[chassis]

You can't trust biccies in metal tins. My childhood was full of fucking metal biscuit tins with sewing paraphernalia in them.

[IDEM]

What? Those things are awful!1! They all taste the same: a little bit of nothing mixed with a lot of sugar. My parents used to buy them, and as a child I'd eat 'em out of boredom, but I couldn't fathom actually buying some for myself nowadays (or for someone I love, for that matter). If I don't get nostalgic about sweets or snacks I had as a child, they must be really bad, lol. Oh well, horses for courses, I guess. Don't want to denigrate anyone's taste in cookies.

Are they still separated by those little paper cups inside the tin? Back then, that was kind of the best thing about them.

[cichlisuite]

On 10/17/2020 at 8:11 PM, chassis said:

You can't trust biccies in metal tins. My childhood was full of fucking metal biscuit tins with sewing paraphernalia in them.

This reminds me of a specific glass-door cabinet at my late grandmother's house. The glass doors were covered with a very old, patterned wrapping paper, probably from 60s, 70s (to keep the light out). The cabinet was solid-built, the door lock had the most asmr pleasant smooth locking feel. The smell inside that cabinet was one of the most soothing smells I experienced. A mixture of ~50 years of storing coffee, sugar, vanilla, etc inside. It smelled like the nicest, most fresh cookies or cake or everything good and sweet and indescribable. All kinds of kitchen-like containers and jars inside... filled with stuff that was random and had nothing to do with the smell. Many hopes died with that closet.

[Joyrex]

On 10/17/2020 at 5:03 PM, IDEM said:

What? Those things are awful!1! They all taste the same: a little bit of nothing mixed with a lot of sugar. My parents used to buy them, and as a child I'd eat 'em out of boredom, but I couldn't fathom actually buying some for myself nowadays (or for someone I love, for that matter). If I don't get nostalgic about sweets or snacks I had as a child, they must be really bad, lol. Oh well, horses for courses, I guess. Don't want to denigrate anyone's taste in cookies.

Are they still separated by those little paper cups inside the tin? Back then, that was kind of the best thing about them.

Yes, they are

[IDEM]

4 hours ago, Joyrex said:

Yes, they are

Well, that's something, isn't it.

[Joyrex]

47 minutes ago, IDEM said:

Well, that's something, isn't it.

The best part of that is watching someone open the tin to only find the paper cups and nothing more