Divorce

[marf]

Please, Please,  talk to a professional about this suicidal stuff. Get help. Go to a clinic. In a year, you'll wonder wtf you were so worried about . 

Edited December 26, 2022 by marf

[lyst]

8 hours ago, Grain Bastard said:

Are you aware of what was causing you to shit blood? You managing that??

 

I have ulcerative colitis and from experience you can’t ignore that - in fact two weeks intensive care in hospital proved it beyond doubt.

 

get it sorted man.

I could go on for a few pages about this but i'll try to keep it as short as possible.  I did all the tests, cams through both ends, any test they could give me.  Showed nothing of note.  Went to ER a few times while shitting blood and they did CT scan which showed nothing, so they told me to go home (Still paying for that btw, fuckers).  Immense horrible gut pain so much I could not function, shitting blood, and nobody was helping me.  The cause?  Here's my theory.   I have a heart condition called Pericarditis.  The genius treatment for this disease is shove 1,600 Miligrams of NSAIDs down your throat every day, while taking other anti-inflammatories like Colchicine.  Also I was injecting a biologic called Arcalyst right into my stomach.  I believe these medications completely destroyed my gut.  Gave me IBS, IBD, Ulcers, Diverticulitis, Who the fuck knows.  I'm still dealing with it now I believe it's going to be a couple years before I get my gut right.  Prebiotics, probtiotics, and trying to avoid triggers is my only way to battle this - the US medical system failed me.  Luckily i'm doing a lot better than I was 6 months ago - it's just a VERY VERY slow process healing the gut.

 

 

4 hours ago, marf said:

id say its fair to assume most everyone here has been through a life of pain (and happiness) at this point. No children here.

Get your health looked at ,asap. Go to the emergency room if you have to. Pay 20 bucks a month forever if you dont have insurance. Who cares. 

Don't end your life!!! Life is a surprise.  You have good friends? And family? You are already there.

Do you really love her? Or are you just afraid of change? Id wager a woman like that would be easy to get over. Dumping you over money? typical. 

Its true. Woman are not sporadic like that, it's been brewing in her. She was faking it to keep you from suspicion.  Unless she has some undiagnosed mental illness.

Know thyself, Lyst. You sound like a very sensitive moral man. Vows being a serious thing to you. She broke them

What is the pain source? The thought of another man with her? Losing her companionship? Her cold companionship? Reanalyze why you were with her just as she did with you. Maybe you got stuck in a rut? Dont like change? 

Did you really love her? Or do you love the woman you dated before the real one came out?  The woman does not seem salvageable. Some marriages are. This is done, but it is a blessing in disguise.

Do you obsess for years like I do about a woman? If not. You are going to be fine

Life can bring unimaginable joy out of the darkest cataclysmic events. You just have to let that star implode. It's never over. 

I would not stay in that house with her one more day. Cut this off.. Come to terms with it, talk to friends as often as possible. They will be your lifeline, and be cold as fuck. Get a lawyer. 

I answer the health stuff above.

Just about everything you've said is right on point.  

She has left the house, but we did have a quick chat about the divorce before she left.  She's ok with putting things off a little while but I told her this is not good for me, I want to get things moving ASAP.  It's no way to live in some kind of limbo like this.  So just this morning contacted lawyer and realtor trying to get the ball rolling.  

Also on Christmas Day began packing up some of my things to move to my dads for the time being.  So yea that was fun, Christmas alone working on divorce stuff.  Smh.  But it is what it is.  I brought my vinyl and a bunch of other personal items over to my dads house today.

I think things will move quick, hopefully she does not get lazy or hard to deal with.  I'm doing generally OK right now.  Sometimes I'll cry or feel this deep sense of nothingness, but it's not constant and goes away.

Edited December 26, 2022 by lyst

[Satans Little Helper]

Quote

the US medical system failed me

Yeah, from what you wrote I can’t help but agree. I’d almost think your doctors are disincentivized to make the proper diagnosis because it would reveal they made huge mistakes and be legally in a tough position. My first thought would be you’d need a second opinion. And my second would be to look outside the US. But that’s easier said than done. If you can afford though, I’d def pursue that route. Or rather, screw that b*tch, focus on your health. Get a proper diagnosis and get a better understanding on your prognosis that way. Don’t waste too much time/energy on that relationship. 

[Wunderbar]

Bottle it and sell it.

[lyst]

Just an update.  I've started to spearhead everything (which is what I didn't want to have to do).  I'm trying to get the stuff with the lawyer done, i'm meeting with realtors on the house - trying to push this thing along.  So not only does she get her divorce she wants but I'm doing all the work.  It is what it is.  I'd rather get all of this figured out sooner than later.  If she wants to be lax on this and delay things that's on her.  I want to start moving on in my life.  I'm starting to develop my plans.  I will live in my house until the house is sold and closed on, then I will move in with my pops just long enough to find an apartment in the same area of town.  My dad lives by the lake, (Lake Erie) here in Cleveland.  It's super beautiful and one of my favorite things to do is take hikes down along the water (listening to tunes of course) and go to the park.  So I think i'll look for a 2 bedroom apartment in this area, it'll be close to family, close the the city, and can use one of the bedrooms for office.  

I was thinking about staying with my dad for a few months before but dropping some shit off there I realized that would be impossible at this age.  I'm a 35 year old man and he yelled at me for some dumb shit already like I was 12 years old.  After having my own house and domain for so many years I can't be under his roof for any longer than needed.  But i'm still really lucky to have his place for the transition - not everybody has that luxury in this situation.

It is tempting to set up a profile on dating apps and start looking around.  I know this unwise though.  Way too much shit going on to even consider starting something new.  I'll have a lot of time to mess around with that stuff when i'm finally settled after all of this chaos.  I won't lie though I love having a partner in life, i think life is far better when shared, i've always been that way - so i'll just have to buckle down and get through the next couple months the best I can.

[zero]

^that's the spirit. get yourself back on track, then think about the next relationship stuff once this has had time to settle, and you can focus again.

and I completely agree that it's best to get out from under your dad's roof. I did that back when I was 35, except I had a wife and kid with me. it was only supposed to be for a short time, and it turned into almost a year. it was incredibly stressful and in hindsight, I shouldn't have done it. but oh well. you learn from everything you do. just don't forget the lessons life teaches, and you'll be good.

[EdamAnchorman]

15 hours ago, lyst said:

Just an update.  I've started to spearhead everything (which is what I didn't want to have to do).  I'm trying to get the stuff with the lawyer done, i'm meeting with realtors on the house - trying to push this thing along.  So not only does she get her divorce she wants but I'm doing all the work.  It is what it is.  I'd rather get all of this figured out sooner than later.  If she wants to be lax on this and delay things that's on her.  I want to start moving on in my life.  I'm starting to develop my plans.  I will live in my house until the house is sold and closed on, then I will move in with my pops just long enough to find an apartment in the same area of town.  My dad lives by the lake, (Lake Erie) here in Cleveland.  It's super beautiful and one of my favorite things to do is take hikes down along the water (listening to tunes of course) and go to the park.  So I think i'll look for a 2 bedroom apartment in this area, it'll be close to family, close the the city, and can use one of the bedrooms for office.  

I was thinking about staying with my dad for a few months before but dropping some shit off there I realized that would be impossible at this age.  I'm a 35 year old man and he yelled at me for some dumb shit already like I was 12 years old.  After having my own house and domain for so many years I can't be under his roof for any longer than needed.  But i'm still really lucky to have his place for the transition - not everybody has that luxury in this situation.

It is tempting to set up a profile on dating apps and start looking around.  I know this unwise though.  Way too much shit going on to even consider starting something new.  I'll have a lot of time to mess around with that stuff when i'm finally settled after all of this chaos.  I won't lie though I love having a partner in life, i think life is far better when shared, i've always been that way - so i'll just have to buckle down and get through the next couple months the best I can.

I think you won't regret taking the initiative and speeding things along.  I think you'll look back on that and be proud of yourself that you were able to do that.

I didn't know you were from NE Ohio.  I'm originally from the Youngstown area but have been traveling to Cleveland a lot the past month or so because my dad is at the Cleveland Clinic recovering from a lung transplant.  Not sure where you're looking for apartments, but we got my mom a temporary apartment near the clinic for $2500 a month (1 bedroom, fully furnished, washer/dryer, parking & utilities included).  The building is really nice, although the neighborhood is probably not close to what you're looking for.

[lyst]

24 minutes ago, randomsummer said:

I think you won't regret taking the initiative and speeding things along.  I think you'll look back on that and be proud of yourself that you were able to do that.

I didn't know you were from NE Ohio.  I'm originally from the Youngstown area but have been traveling to Cleveland a lot the past month or so because my dad is at the Cleveland Clinic recovering from a lung transplant.  Not sure where you're looking for apartments, but we got my mom a temporary apartment near the clinic for $2500 a month (1 bedroom, fully furnished, washer/dryer, parking & utilities included).  The building is really nice, although the neighborhood is probably not close to what you're looking for.

So if you happen to know where Edgewater Park is, that's where my family resides.  That's where i'll be looking.  Also 2500 for a one bedroom???? That's New York pricing, jeez.   My mortgage for my 4 bedroom house is 1,450 a month.   I'm looking to spend around 1,200 for a two bedroom apartment in the Edgewater neighborhood, which is pretty normal pricing.

& yea I don't know too much about Youngstown other than don't get stranded there at night, lol.

[EdamAnchorman]

It's expensive for Cleveland for sure, but that's because it's a 3 month lease, fully furnished with covered parking in a doorman building within walking distance of the clinic.  Longer leases are cheaper.

Best of luck with your search!

[beerwolf]

Been reading this thread and really impressed with how watmm has been helping lyst. I always had a dim view of sharing anything too personal on here but it seems I’m proved wrong. Seems the place has changed for the better, unless a certain member rears his ugly head and thinks it’s funny to be abusive.

[ignatius]

1 hour ago, randomsummer said:

I think you won't regret taking the initiative and speeding things along.  I think you'll look back on that and be proud of yourself that you were able to do that.

agreed. it's taking ownership of the situation and doing so because it's in his best interest to get this going and move on. it's the right move entirely.

[Squee]

19 hours ago, beerwolf said:

Been reading this thread and really impressed with how watmm has been helping lyst. I always had a dim view of sharing anything too personal on here but it seems I’m proved wrong. Seems the place has changed for the better, unless a certain member rears his ugly head and thinks it’s funny to be abusive.

This place has always been good when you've had serious problems. I went through a tough year 12years ago and I remember a member gave me his phone number in case I wanted to talk - and he's on the other side of the planet. I think the problem was that 15-20 years ago the majority of us were all a bunch of morons (teenagers) with zero sensibility so people didn't know how to react to other people's problems.

I actually wonder what the average age of the daily user is now? Probably around 65.

[beerwolf]

4 hours ago, Squee said:

This place has always been good when you've had serious problems. I went through a tough year 12years ago and I remember a member gave me his phone number in case I wanted to talk - and he's on the other side of the planet. I think the problem was that 15-20 years ago the majority of us were all a bunch of morons (teenagers) with zero sensibility so people didn't know how to react to other people's problems.

I actually wonder what the average age of the daily user is now? Probably around 65.

I'm not sure if its the correct term but I think we were all what is known as 'edgelords' 

It's my birthday today Commander Squee and I'm thankfully fucking miles, even light years away from 65 

Anyway back to the more serious matter in hand 

Edited December 31, 2022 by beerwolf

[chenGOD]

On 12/31/2022 at 6:40 AM, Squee said:

15-20 years ago the majority of us were all a bunch of morons (teenagers) with zero sensibility so people didn't know how to react to other people's problems.

Hey now, 20 years ago I was 28 with zero sensibility thank you very much.

@lyst Not much to add here that hasn't already been said more eloquently by others, but been divorced twice (once for getting married too young, once for very long and painful reasons) and married a third time. If you want to drop me a pm to chat or anything, I'm around.

[scumtron]

Three times? That makes you the Liz Taylor of WATMM! 

[chenGOD]

2 hours ago, scumtron said:

Three times? That makes you the Liz Taylor of WATMM! 

Apparently I have five more times to go before I reach that stage.

[lyst]

5 hours ago, chenGOD said:

Hey now, 20 years ago I was 28 with zero sensibility thank you very much.

@lyst Not much to add here that hasn't already been said more eloquently by others, but been divorced twice (once for getting married too young, once for very long and painful reasons) and married a third time. If you want to drop me a pm to chat or anything, I'm around.

Thanks a lot Chen.  I'll take you up on that, sounds like you have a wealth of knowledge (unfortunately).

Super surreal right now throwing out furniture, preparing the house for showings.  It's like i'm throwing away my life and the vision of my future.

[zero]

56 minutes ago, lyst said:

It's like i'm throwing away my life and the vision of my future.

dude...go back and read some of the things we've said in this thread. sounds like the mental strength you expressed several posts back is waning. I can't stress enough to you the power of trying to continue to stay emotionally calm and positive in any situation you may encounter. stop thinking gloomy crap like throwing your life away, it doesn't help you right now at all. remember all that furniture is just stuff keeping you attached to your former life with your ex. go donate some of that shit to goodwill if you need to. may be easier to mentally deal with right now than throwing in the garbage. if that stuff can be used by someone else probably worse off than you, then take that as a net positive.  

 

[lyst]

1 hour ago, zero said:

dude...go back and read some of the things we've said in this thread. sounds like the mental strength you expressed several posts back is waning. I can't stress enough to you the power of trying to continue to stay emotionally calm and positive in any situation you may encounter. stop thinking gloomy crap like throwing your life away, it doesn't help you right now at all. remember all that furniture is just stuff keeping you attached to your former life with your ex. go donate some of that shit to goodwill if you need to. may be easier to mentally deal with right now than throwing in the garbage. if that stuff can be used by someone else probably worse off than you, then take that as a net positive.  

 

There's going to be doom and gloom man... It's not magically going to disappear.  I'm going to be upset and upset for a while.  I've said i'm doing better though, and the really dark moments are getting shortened and more infrequent.  That's all I can ask for right now really.

I mean what I said is just a fact.  Also notice how i said it's "surreal", not that i'm curled up in a ball weeping about it or anything.  My life as I know it and foresaw it is gone and i'm trying my best to cope with it.  I'm the friggin trenches right now man.  Nowhere near the divorce being over or me having a place or feeling comfortable again.

[zero]

1 hour ago, lyst said:

There's going to be doom and gloom man... It's not magically going to disappear.  I'm going to be upset and upset for a while.  I've said i'm doing better though, and the really dark moments are getting shortened and more infrequent.  That's all I can ask for right now really.

for sure. I get that the grieving process is different for everyone. you doing better mentally at a stressful time like this is all that matters. good to remind yourself of that.

1 hour ago, lyst said:

I mean what I said is just a fact.  Also notice how i said it's "surreal", not that i'm curled up in a ball weeping about it or anything.  My life as I know it and foresaw it is gone and i'm trying my best to cope with it.  I'm the friggin trenches right now man.  Nowhere near the divorce being over or me having a place or feeling comfortable again.

I'm sure you get that helpful advice over the internet can only go so far. I mentioned previously that talking to someone IRL (like a counselor/psychologist) is a very useful tool for helping you get back to a better place mentally. building back your confidence is what psychologists can help with. just about everyone I've known (including myself) who has gone for mental health counselling has said something positive about the experience. the overall intended effect may not be immediately noticeable, but it can eventually get you thinking less about being in the trenches, and more to focusing on your next life experience ahead. I mean talking about this stuff out loud to an intelligent person in the room with a neutral take and wants to help is what talk therapy is there for. I know it probably seems like a pain in the ass right now to try and organize that if you've not done so before...but you have a pretty valid reason right now to do it.

but again, counselling / therapy is a tool available to help you. exercise, meditation, reading something on the philosophy of life, being around positive people...these are also available. remember it is only YOU that will fix any mental struggles going on right now. no one else can get into your head and eliminate negative thoughts. you have to do that. 

[lyst]

Update:  Things are really starting to move now.  The house is officially up for sale as of today, tomorrow we have an open house and two showings.  It's going to be a little hectic for me during this time because I work from home and I can't be around during showings.  I think I should just plan on spending time working at my dad's house - hopefully his wifi isn't too shitty.  It seems faulty whenever i'm there which will not bode well since I have to give presentations and shit over Zoom for my job.

The divorce paperwork is close to all complete.  I just sat with the lawyer the other night and went over everything.  And now my wife has scheduled her time to go over everything with the lawyer next Thursday.  This will really be the do-or-die part of this all.  If she agrees with everything, we get this done and move on.  If not, the house of cards i've built falls and we are back to square one.

Mentally I'm doing alright.  I think it really depends on how my physical health is.  If i'm feeling well, I can deal with things a lot better.  But if i'm in terrible gut pain, the combination of the physical and the emotional anguish can just be too much to bear.  That plus the fear that I won't be able to perform at my job because of the level of pain I'm in.  That always scares the shit out of me.  Not too much more I can do about this.  I'm living a healthy lifestyle, avoiding any triggers, getting sleep, taking probiotics and vitamins.  Hell I'm practically living like a monk.  I've quit alcohol, nicotine, caffeine or any stimulants.  Pretty much everything that gives you joy in this shitty existence, lol.   It'll hopefully be worth it though.

[Satans Little Helper]

Great to hear!

It’ll be worth it if you keep setting goals for yourself. And working toward those. Improving yourself and the world around you. There’s already a bunch of achievements in your post you can feel good about and really help you. The divorce is shitty, but you handled it like a pro. There can be joy in that as well. Or pride even. May sound silly. But you can see where I’m coming from. Booze (etc) doesn't give you that. There’s no reward in getting drunk. The joy from booze is empty. There’s not much worth in that.

But yeah, your health is central. That seems to be the one thing that can break everything you’ve built up right now. How about a trip to Canada to get a proper diagnosis? Next goal perhaps?

[lyst]

21 hours ago, Satans Little Helper said:

Booze (etc) doesn't give you that. There’s no reward in getting drunk. The joy from booze is empty. There’s not much worth in that.

Man I don't even miss it at this point anymore.  I think because of the past year that my craft beer phase and booze in general is in the past.  When you're sick and when you lose almost everything, it really makes you reconsider life and what's important.  I mean having some really good craft beer was my way to relax and numb myself - it was what it was.  Now I'd rather focus my energy on more positive things.  Things that you can see results from.  

 

21 hours ago, Satans Little Helper said:

But yeah, your health is central. That seems to be the one thing that can break everything you’ve built up right now. How about a trip to Canada to get a proper diagnosis? Next goal perhaps?

Health is so central.  Without it you have nothing.  I'll keep trying to naturally heal myself at the moment.  If things do get really bad again though a large part of me wants to take the money from the house and go somewhere, India, Canada, wherever, and really get my issues fixed.  We'll see in time I guess.

My brother has had a lot of health issues as well, not the same ones but very chronic and aggressive like mine.  Turns out that he's getting tested for a genetic disease soon, something that I might have too.  We all share the same symptoms of this disease.  It's called "HHT".  Not too much is known about it and there is no cure, but if this was something that's been plaguing me it would be great to finally know.  Then could actually build a plan of action.

[Satans Little Helper]

Hope it works out for you and your brother!

[lyst]

Some updates and musings.

We just signed the divorce paperwork last night.  Both agreeing on everything and using one lawyer.  The lawyer was pretty surprised by how ancy my wife was in their meeting to get the divorce done.  She thinks she might be hiding some money somewhere or something.  I really don't care and just want to move past this part of my life as soon as possible.  So the next steps are there is 30 days wait time to have the Dissolution of Marriage Trial (which I can be at over Zoom), which is just a small trial of the judge going over everything and then granting the divorce.  So by all rights I am now just one month away from being a single man.

The house is now under contract with a buyer.  If the inspections go well then we should be gold and sale will go through, but I guess inspection is where stuff usually goes to shit so we will see.  I'm about to move temporarily into my dad's house this weekend, but also i'm checking out an apartment tomorrow.  It's in the neighborhood I want to it to be in, maybe a tiny bit more expensive than I'd want it to be but that's not the end of the world.  I'm not going to be there forever.  If I like it I'm going to try to get moving on it quick.

My emotions and mental state are still up and down.  Good days and bad days.  I'm sure it's going to be like this for a while, at least until all of this stuff is concluded.  I have quite a bit of anger now, nothing wild or anything.  Just pissed off that she did all of this.  Feel like our whole marriage a sham.

There's something i've been thinking about the past few weeks that's going to sound pretty crazy but it's a true story.  So back before we got married I was visiting her family in Germany with her.  Had to meet the family before going much further.  I was in the shower at her childhood home and I was washing and closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them a very emaciated old woman was right in front of me.  She had extremely powerful dark and negative energy that was directed right at me.  She was only there for a millisecond, but that millisecond felt like a lifetime.  So it turns out my wife's mother died in this house from a long and very difficult battle with cancer.  I believe who I saw was her mother.  What I thought at the time was that it was her mom pretty much telling me to treat her well, she's not alive anymore so this was her only way to do it.  Treat her well or else was the message I believed she was sending.  What i'm starting to think now is that I got this message very wrong from what it actually was.  What I learned was that my wife's mother and her did not have a good relationship at all.  In fact, towards the end and while she was sick my wife treated her really poorly.  Did not give her love or affection.  My wife practically treated her like shit while she was dying of cancer in that house.  So I think this presence was was actually her mother warning me.  Warning me to not marry her or this will happen to me too.  Get away, run away from this girl.  I completely misinterpreted it.  It's exactly what I went through.  I had horrible health problems and my wife treated me like shit, with disgust and contempt.  I wish I would've understood what her mother was saying, but there was no real way I could.  It could've saved me some heartbreak though.