Autechre Amusing Amazon 1 star quotes of your favorite albums

[beerwolf]

Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works II

If I'd wanted aimless electronic doodling I'd have asked my niece to twiddle some keyboard knobs and paid her a fiver.

 

 

Slayer - Reign in Blood

28 minutes of continous machine gun drumming that reminds me of the high revving engines in those teenagers scooters that are popping up all over town these days.

 

 

Autechre - Untilted

Oh Dear oh dear...they're still at it.

 

 

Beastie Boys - Pauls Boutique

Most people have never heard of this album but it has a bizarre cult status amongst 'real' Beasties fans; a status that goes well beyond what it deserves. I found it incredibly boring, even after numerous listenings. (written in 2011 lol)

 

 

 

I could go on! Your turn...

 

The American website should throw up a few amusing moments.

[goDel]

Good topic!

 

 

Went to search on UK's Amazon but couldn't find any. The US version is a delight though.

 

Hear a 2-star review of the Basic Channel CD (the first one!):

Yes - i hate the 4/4 thump that you can hear in the majority of tracks here. Also the bpm is too fast for me - it is just a question of taste. I am a slow person. I prefer music with a more relaxado andamiento. This is why i like the songs of Depeche Mode in their album Ultra.

 

The first one, I kid you not!

[goDel]

Autechre - Chiastic Slide:

Autechre really baffle me. They are talented, this much I know. What is the problem though? Music is a mass medium with a wide audience. When you are a musician, or team of musicians, you have some kind of responsibility to people to repay the time and attention they give to listening to something, or watching it, or reading it. I don't know if there is anything of that nature to speak of here. I don't know what this is, frankly. It is not music. The sounds are fascinating, but Autechre has always been about these amazing sounds they create. But what is this that has been collected. I am baffled, period. Possibly it is so ahead of its time, or I am just a fool. I don't know, but I cannot imagine the appeal of Autechre anymore. This is like music for your computer, for a robot without a thinking mind, only a calculating one.

 

Hey, this is like reading WATMM?

[Guest the anonymous forumite]

great topic !

 

Alice in Chains - Dirt

 

So I decided to listen to this album because I heard it was an amazing grunge album. Man! I was so disappointed. It was simply awful. Not one good song on it. All of the songs sound EXACTLY the same- seriously, folks. The guitar riffs are unimaginative and uninspired and that Lane Stailey guy is a horrible singer. He sounds like a whining puppy or something! Listen to real grunge like Staind or Daughtry. Alice In Chains are lame post-grunge.

 

Aphex Twin - Rdj Album

 

 

a child could have 'composed' this annoying crap. I dont think it can be called music. It's like a branch scratching on you window during a midnite storm whilst you're attempting sleep. Annoying, nothing better.

 

 

Autechre - Confield

 

 

Oooh, two guys doing difficult things with drummachines and keyboards; only the extremely naive buy this just because they think it'll make them look intelligent. This has nothing to do with music. I listen to virtually every kind of music (...) and artists like Autechre, Aphex Twin and Mu-Ziq made stuff I really think is good; the otherworldy feel it sometimes has can be great. But Confield is just a big joke.

Take the first track; it's absolutely unlistenable trash which sounds the same as a couple of wine glasses on top of a spinning washing machine. I bet Confield took a lot of work, programming the beats in the most difficult way possible, but Sean and Rob really wasted their time. It's as uninteresting as it is bad. Avoid it bigtime.

[goDel]

Hahaha

 

A couple of wine glasses on top of a spinning washing machine. Brilliant!

[Cryptowen]

Bjork - Homogenic

This artist is really INSANE! If some so-called artists called this music "art" they're really wrong and crazy. I've been listening Bjork's music a lot of times and I couldn't find an answer to his physically disordered mind. This album gives you a clear idea of how A DISORDERED MIND can produce music.

Do not listen this music unless you have no sense of art and human spirit. This is not what european people listen everyday. Don't be fooled by the idea this is art-music. Go somewhere else, like Beethoven or Vivaldi music. Take this CD to trash!

Captain Beefheart - Trout Mask Replica (121 one star reviews)

Nothing compares to it. It is easily the worst, most gratingly unlistenable CD/album I have bought in the last twenty-five years . Don't be suckered by the critical acclaim. Buy this one only after you have bought every other available recording by every other artist . (Gets a 2 for the cover art, otherwise a 1).

 

Sure, there were a lot of epileptics that have done good work (Dostoevsky among them), but I can't think of a single one who did their good work DURING their seizures... There's no other excuse for musicianship as poor as this. To Captain Beefheart: either learn how to play, or take some epilepsy meds.

 

I put this album in and felt like there must be some kind of mistake. Is it possible that it was burned incorrectly? Was there some stripe of problem with my cd player? All of these explanations would be more reassuring than the truth - an album so terrible that there's just no excuse for it. I feel like someone played a prank on me. Be sure to listen to the samples before springing for this. Trust me.

Yello - Stella

 

A horrible CD for horrible people

[Capsaicin]

lol so much hate for Trout Mask Replica. Yet also, so much love. I love how the vast majority of people on Amazon either gave it a 5 or a 1.

[chenGOD]

LOL great topic:

from the .ca website

SAW 85-92:

"Even if you are an absolutely fanatical Aphex Twin devotee (and I am), you can safely ignore this disc. The otherwise talented n' tasteful Richard James should have left this one locked up in the vault. Yeah, he was 14 years old while working on some of this stuff... and it shows. Even by the relaxed standards of the 'ambient' genre, I found this album predictable, dated and boring. There's nothing on here that hasn't been done before, and better, by other artists.

Sorry to disagree with the rest of the reviews, but my advice is: Skip this one."

 

Enter the 36 Chambers:

"I love rap. But Wut Tang is garbage. With high expectations I heard this album, and im like WTF is this. its trash, pure trash. the beats are horrible, and the lyrics are too.

 

W U T A N G S T I N K S B A D L Y. "

[J3FF3R00]

 

The worst crap ever

 

This is the worst crap ever. No talent, no ideas...just noise. No melody, not even a mood...just children playing around on electric instruments without a clue. What a shame that the people who listen to this...crap...waste their time, when there is so much good music to listen to: blues, r&b, classical, jazz, rock, punk, alternative, country, etc. This is nothing music for people who think they know what is hip but really know nothing.

 

 

 

PF's worst, one of earth's worst,

 

I normally caveat my reviews by saying that a certain rating is based on its quality in relation to other albums by the same group. I mean, even though revolver is a great album it would only get 1 star when matched against the other Beatles albums. 5 stars when matched against all music, but only 1 versus Beatles catalog.

 

So......the PF mangled mess gets 1 star versus other PF stuff.....and still only deserves 1 star compared to all music (rap excluded). This is just a horrible mess of noise. If you want good PF get anything Animals or newer. One hidden gem is the Final Cut. But of course, the wall and DSOTM are unmatched.

 

This collection is worse than any Zappa crap you will ever come across. If you want a little prog stuff to start off with, you might want to taste early YES, ELP, King Crimson, or RUSH. Anything but this PF release. It is just a hacking, clanking, screaching jumble of noise.

 

If you are a hardcore PF fan, buy this one last, give it a listen, then expect to file it away and only come back when you have forgotten how nauseating it is.

 

Sorry, I love PF but can only handle the post-SB stuff.

 

 

 

a petty bourgeois experiment with shades of artistic success beneath the looming egos,

 

The influence of these accidental proto-punk innovators is clear, but rather than still sounding like The Real Thing after being robbed of its novelty, in hindsight this album feels like an overpraised collaboration of irritating beatniks and celebrities. Something is just missing.

 

The more cynical, hallucinogenic properties of this album helped change rock, for better or worse, but if the earliest instance of something was always the best, doctors would still be using leeches. It's maudlin, wooden music with a whiff of wannabe bohemianism and emotional dishonesty. Nico is just there--everybody knows why. Andy Warhol is just there--nobody's really sure why, still. Names here exist on equal terms as the art.

 

That last guy must have thought he could get scouted and hired as a music critic for his eloquence and perceptiveness.

[Cazador Mod Unit]

Luomo - Vocalcity

 

The basic premise of my review, which no one has asked me to write, is that house music is not meant for your house. I can imagine if I was all bleary-eyed in a club, drinking soda and chatting up someone beautiful with intentions of offering to buy her a soda, that I might enjoy the thought of dancing to this cd. AT A CLUB.

Why own this music? It is not meant to be listened to with a discerning ear. This is beats, incapable of becoming more than that.

You'll listen to this cd and think, why do I own this? It's expensive, it's bland, it's dancefloor music, and I have no dancefloor in my apartment.

 

Hercules and Love Affair - ST

 

 

Everything sucks on this album. Who told Antony that he can sing? Andrew is not too far behind. The Girl, I can tolerate a bit. Ok Disco part. The worst. I would rather go back and listen to Donna Summer, Giorgio Morodor, Cerrone. This is piece of s**t. Sorry to be this honest. Otherwise I am very tolerable on have diverse music taste. Even my $200K stereo system could not make it sound better!

[J3FF3R00]

 

Everything sucks on this album. Who told Antony that he can sing? Andrew is not too far behind. The Girl, I can tolerate a bit. Ok Disco part. The worst. I would rather go back and listen to Donna Summer, Giorgio Morodor, Cerrone. This is piece of s**t. Sorry to be this honest. Otherwise I am very tolerable on have diverse music taste. Even my $200K stereo system could not make it sound better!

 

Anyone that spends $200k on a stereo (not to mention brags about it on the internet) probably doesn't have the best ears.

[Soloman Tump]

Underworld, Second toughest in the infants 1. Juanita/Kiteless/To Dream Of Love 2. Banstyle/Sappys Curry 3. Confusion The Waitress 4. Rowla 5. Pearls Girls 6. Air Towel 7. Blueski 8. Stagger

 

This "music" can be quite therapueutic. Simply listen for ten minutes to this mind numbing unmusical repepition of childishly simple themes thumped out to the same never changing rhythm, and when you finally go "phew" and stop the garbage, replacing it with - well virtually anything from the last 500 years of the world's musical output - you will feel extraordnarily relieved, like a great weight was lifted from your shoulders. Listen to it, then be thankful that there is such a thing as music after all, and thereafter use the CD to rest your coffee cup on, because that's all it is good for.

 

:music: :music:

[Guest Brian Sweeney Fitzgerald]

Cannibal Ox - The Cold Vein

 

oh my god..i think this is THE WORST HIP HOP ALBUM i have heard in my entire life...its so bad you could accidently rip your ears off when you first hear it...stay away from this,its not music.its torture..these guys are not "untalented",they are totally deaf!

the main star here is the so called "producer" el-p...well if he is a producer,than i can drag my grandma to the studio to make a "undergroung hip hop record"...to put it simple..hes a total disaster,he doesnt know what the word "beat" is..he doesnt know what "b" of the word beat means.....he thinks that he can find a couple of good drum sounds.that sounds underground,progressive and dark..and simply throw them in the music..then throw some stupid stacato piano notes...and we have a hip hop record..its stupidity! what he doesnt realise is that hip hop is actually a music genre...not just drums and voice.. to put it simply...this man doesnt even create music..he compiles hard drum with some awful voices...what else to say ?

 

Prefuse 73 - Surrounded By Silence

 

I was fooled into thinking this is some good electronic music since it is on Warp. Be warned, this is hip hop. Sure the beats are creative and the music is better than most hip hop, but it's got little depth and in the end, it's a hip hop beat. Sometimes the music is not horrible but then an MC starts talking on top of it and you can't hear the music any more. It's a shame to have this on a legendary label like Warp.

 

RateYourMusic is also great for amusing one star reviews, the reviews that are on there go far beyond what you find on Amazon:

 

Dälek: Absence

 

I lost my chance at losing my virginity thanks to this album. One day on my way back from school on the public transportation bus, there was this really cute girl sitting close to me. The awesome thing was, when she first saw me, she couldn't stop staring at me. At first I just thought she was just looking at something/someone else, but at one point when I looked at her, she smiled! I was just like OH DAMN! :D. Anyways, this was during the time I listened to "A Beast Caged", the 5th song in this album. You know near the end of the song where it's just super loud noise? Well, my headphones have horrible noise cancellation, and when you listen to this album, you gotta listen to it LOUD. I then saw that she was hearing what I was listening to, this loud harsh noise. She then looked at me, made a weird kind of face that was like "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" and then sat further away from me. Ah well, I still listen to this album on the bus, but I really felt like downrating this album that day.

[goDel]

Portishead - Dummy

I wasted my money on this one for sure.

Same voice on every track gets a bit much.

I have no idea why this was recommended to me..I prefer Cafe del Mar and Budda Bar and also Hotel Costes, so how did this get onto my list? YUCK

 

 

It's not mistake that this CD is called "Dummy" as it is vacuous and hollow. Only the truly prententious and shallow could listen to this overly melodramatic prattle. The lead singer's voice sounds like she's gargling listerine. Perhaps Portishead is purposely playing to the "deep" set's supposed senstivity and this CD is just a mockery of that genre; or maybe Portishead is trying to contend for the muzak title of the universe. In any case this droning snooze of a CD is one to avoid.

[goDel]

DJ Shadow - Endtroducing

If I compare this guy to other DJs (notably Kruder & Dorfmeister), the music just doesn't hold up. Its less imaginative and the grooves just don't compare. And as far as drums & bass go, even comparative dabblers in the genre like Aphex Twin have produced far more compelling music.

 

 

the samples are good but the production value falls far short. the drum and bass aspects are simply just missing, he doesn't have layers to his music, its very 2 dimentional and uninteresting. after listening to beats from dj's the likes of bassnectar or stoupe or snowgoons....this guys is just sad. he weaseled 2 stars out of me for sheer content, but he lacks as far musical quality and drum and bass, its hard to groove to something when its lacking bass. there were a few tracks on this album that were showcased by other reviewers as being melodic and amazing, but when i heard them it sounded like a simple drum loop minus the bass....the beats just weren't complex enough. all the hype for this release and the buzz surrounding it is disappointing when you actually listen to it. this is why i usually don't like to read reviews for something before listening to it....you get caught up in the reviews and expect something ground breaking, but after listening to it its just heart breaking. i urge you to try real beat makers: the prodigy(fat of the land), Bassnectar(Cozza frenzy), or even the snowgoons instrumentals....they will give you chills. shadow needs to work on his drum and bass aspects if he wants to be sucessful....thats my opinion.

drum & bass? what?

[o00o]

1.0 out of 5 stars geogaddi -- a would-be emperor without clothes, 18 Feb 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Geogaddi (Audio CD)

...Basically, the new record is a sonic palimpsest with all things that made Music Has The Right To Children lovable in the first place - subtlety, diversity and intimacy - eradicated. Or they just went away with the fizz. What we get instead is a tiresome series of motific self-references verging on cliché, delivered in a dopey hotchpotch manner to show the obvious intent of creating something „unsettling" which dissociates the name Boards of Canada from the oft-used labels of ambient, chill-out and even new age.

To achieve this goal the Scottish bunker-dwellers unceasingly throw in some poor digital distortion right out of some basic Sound Forge plug-in, snippets and phrases in reversal by shipload.... They called it „Magic Window".)

Not one outstanding song in sight, there's no new roygbiv, aquarius, pete standing alone or sixtyten here. Nowhere to be found the trademark acrobatics of melody. The tracks grind tediously through their durations, no evolving, no playing with structure - our attention is taken for granted. Even the sound is flat, one-dimensional, almost amateur-ish - a definite backstep. Pointless sample loops come and go amidst the morose buzzing, and all that happens is that something nerve-racking is finally mixed on top of all to get things „psychedelic". (Orb's Alex Paterson did this to better effect on any of his records.)

High scores of ridiculousness include: the drum pattern in Gyroscope, the track called Alpha and Omega in its entirety - and (surprise!) a child saying „beautiful place" in Sunshine Recorder....

Until these days I have been a BoC fan who thought MHTRTC was a mysterious rose of a record. To say I'm disappointed with Geogaddi is a humble understatement. So beware.

 

 

1.0 out of 5 stars Why the hype ?, 13 Mar 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Boards-Canada Geogaddi (Audio CD)

Not sure what all the fuss is about. This was my first introduction to BOC, and I can't say that I feel as if I have been missing anything. The music is obscure and distant. Nothing about it touches any part of my experience, and so it becomes its own experience, far and away removed from touching anything within me. If you listen to anything long enough it becomes familiar and recognisable, but not necessarily in any sense of attachment or belonging. The constant sound of traffic is familiar, but as is the case with this CD, it does nothing but breed contempt.

[pattern recognition]

blur-parklife

I had heard Song #2 and was drawn to this brit band that I thought would be like Radiohead. These guys don't come anywhere near Radiohead, I am taking this CD back as soon as I can. It's a total waste of time.

this one surely is a wind-up:

 

When Mike and the Mechanics ushered in the Britpop era with Looking Back Over My Shoulder, it was only a matter of time before these dopes attempted to jump on the bandwagon. How they won so many Brit awards with this rubbish is beyond me. It must have been rigged!

 

pavement-wowee zowee

this reads like it was written by sm himself, but it was 1 star:

 

Hey, kids like to talk about this album. That is great. Mouths are fun. So is pepper. Here's what I think: this album is worthy of your gold star! Dance on, baby!

[ganus]

Hey Mr. James, How 'bout a buy-back?, March 9, 2002

This review is from: Drukqs (Audio CD)

After reading all the glowing magazine and online reviews of this album, I finally broke down and shelled out the twenty-five bucks to experience the sonic masterpiece I was promised. I have never been more dissapointed in an album in my life. I can't for the life of me figure out what all the fuss is about. This is an album of random noise that has no form or structure whatsoever. My impression of the creative process involved in the making of this tragedy is a bunch of children being allowed to play with sophisticated recording equipment. I would love to be more technical and give a song by song critique but I can't find one redeeming quality on this album that would warrant a deeper look. It is pure noise without affecting the listener on any level...

 

 

1.0 out of 5 stars There's Only One DMX. . ., May 11, 2005

This review is from: Fressshh! (Audio CD)

. . . and his name is Earl Simmons.

[zazen]

Air - Moon Safari

Wish I Could Give No Stars

Just think of the words one would use to describe bad music in general -- repititive, undeveloped, lyrically weak, forgettable, etc . -- and what does one have? answer: Air. Do not -- I repeat DO NOT -- be fooled by any of the positive reviews given this record. You will be highly disappointed and in such a bad mood you might end kicking your dog or something. And, animals should not be abused because a couple of guys from France make a real trashy record.

 

 

 

USA amazon is definitely better than UK amazon for this game

[zazen]

Selected Ambient Works Vol 2

 

THIS is music???

Before purchasing this 2-CD package I scanned through, as is my custom, some of the many customer reviews, and was excited as I read so many comlimentary comments regarding "Selected Ambient Works Volume II."

In retrospect I wasted about $19.00 on this absolute piece of trash. For those expecting this CD to contain beautiful, harmonious music - you will be sadly disappointed. The best I can say is that it's like a movie soundtrack to a bizarre horror movie. This most definitely is NOT music, at least not in the traditionally accepted meaning of the term - but completely weird, discordant, electronic noise.

Please, don't waste your money or your time on this nonsense.

[o00o]

Selected Ambient Works Vol 2

 

THIS is music???

Before purchasing this 2-CD package I scanned through, as is my custom, some of the many customer reviews, and was excited as I read so many comlimentary comments regarding "Selected Ambient Works Volume II."

In retrospect I wasted about $19.00 on this absolute piece of trash. For those expecting this CD to contain beautiful, harmonious music - you will be sadly disappointed. The best I can say is that it's like a movie soundtrack to a bizarre horror movie. This most definitely is NOT music, at least not in the traditionally accepted meaning of the term - but completely weird, discordant, electronic noise.

Please, don't waste your money or your time on this nonsense.

 

lol win

[dr lopez]

i don't find these funny i just get upset. which i shouldnt

[o00o]

Radiohead - In Rainbows

 

Radiohead kills me.

Whenever I hear a Radiohead album, including "In Rainbows," I feel like killing myself. I do not understand the appeal of Radiohead. I'll take Blur and Oasis over Radiohead anyday.

 

 

 

I can't fully express my loathing of this album. Its like random beating mixed with terrible vocals that sound more like humming than actual words. I got this free but really they should have paid me to buy it.

[o00o]

i don't find these funny i just get upset. which i shouldnt

 

I imagine how these people actually do look like while writing this. I met quite a bunch of them in real life

[o00o]

Radiohead - Kid A

 

Some people I know hale this as the greatest piece of music to be recorded in the history of Western Civilization. A guy I work with says it lifted him to a new level of conciousness. Take a tip from me --- listen to the samples before you buy it --- to me it sounds like an hour long musical interpretation of a fatal car-wreck. Apparently taste is really subjective on this one --- To me it barely even qualifies as music --- its just a mish-mash of inharmonic noise. In my opinion, don't waste your time.