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simple tasks that you perform in the bottom first percentile

Fred McGriff

By Fred McGriff
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Fred McGriff Grand Master

Fred McGriff

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Do you have any certain mundane tasks that you execute so poorly that you feel like you might have been dropped as a baby? like that single brain cell you need to complete the task adequately got mashed somewhere along the way. maybe that extra can of natty light on top of the previous 20 you drank that one night when you were 16 evaporated the required brain cell. For me, it's cracking eggs. I cannot crack a goddam egg right for the life of me. two handed, right handed, left handed, whatever. you can bet the farm that i'm fucking that egg up. and i've been cracking eggs at least weekly for well over a decade. and i try so hard every time. i try to tap it enough so that i can just open it and not get shell everywhere or break the yolk. but i'm such a disaster, the egg always gets in my head, and i get the yips, and i usually panic and just smash the egg completely through. every single time. and i'm getting worse at it as i become more aware of how hopeless it is for me to try to crack open that egg.

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keltoi Grand Master

keltoi

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This troubled me too until a chef mate showed me how to do it 1 handed. It's a quick flick motion like make sure you don't stop on the thing you're hitting if that makes sense. Then gently pull the 2 halves apart.

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Guest iep

Guest iep

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yo what the fuck's up with blanket sheets? there's the blanket. there's the sheet. one goes into the other, and bed is made. start with the first corner of the blanket AND WTF where is the second corner? it was RIGHT THE FUCK there just now! ok take the blanket out and start with the second corner. corner goes in smooth. next corner. smooth also. WHAT THE FUCK the blanket is UPSIDE DOWN. how could this even HAPPEN?

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Fred McGriff Grand Master

Fred McGriff

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This troubled me too until a chef mate showed me how to do it 1 handed. It's a quick flick motion like make sure you don't stop on the thing you're hitting if that makes sense. Then gently pull the 2 halves apart.

 

i had to do it one handed when i fucked up my hand this year. i got slightly better at it. but still i just, i dont know. FAIL. is there a spot inside the egg where you are to imagine that you're trying to get the edge of the thing you're cracking the egg on to reach?

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kaini Grand Master

kaini

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i always, always fuck up frying an egg. can't get a clean, unbroken yolk, or stop the white going everywhere so it's too thin and then it burns.

 

this thread is now about eggs.

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kaini Grand Master

kaini

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Occasionally I try to make poached eggs in the microwave and nearly blow up my microwave as a result.

 

the absolute, never-fuck-up guide to poaching eggs by gordon ramsey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbAQgJF3d7E

this has served me well. i poach eggs like a fucking boss.

 

edit: i just use cold water, not ice water, because i'm lazy. also i add a little vinegar to the boiling water. some say it helps, some don't. but it doesn't hurt.

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Guest disparaissant

Guest disparaissant

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my handwriting is nigh illegible, this is a problem in the two classes i have where laptops are not allowed. im really good at taking notes but i am fucking terrible at doing so in such a way that they are readable in any sense of the word later. my signature is a scribble.

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skotosa Veteran

skotosa

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+1

disparaissant with that shit.

 

My hand writing is chicken shit as well and my signature isn't comprehendable at all. I think my grades might actually be suffering from it cause my friend and I get the same answers but mine for some reason are always wrong...

 

This is why I wish we abandoned paper and pencile entirely and just use tablets/ OLED Screens/ Turn in papers via word document and email... And for the Trees of course.

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chenGOD Grand Master

chenGOD

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i always, always fuck up frying an egg. can't get a clean, unbroken yolk, or stop the white going everywhere so it's too thin and then it burns.

 

this thread is now about eggs.

 

You got your heat too high. I mean, I can't help you with the broken yolks, but use a smaller frying pan, heat fry pan on medium, then turn down to medium low directly after dropping the egg in the pan.

 

Also, my mom uses milk in her scrambled eggs. I just about hit her.

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Fred McGriff Grand Master

Fred McGriff

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lately i have discovered the joy of medium-soft boiled eggs with frank's hot sauce. fucking godlike.

 

sounds delicious.

 

last weekend i had a "soy sauce egg" at momofuku noodle bar. i'm assuming it was an egg poached in soy sauce. it was DOOOOOPPE!!!

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Guest Coalbucket PI

Guest Coalbucket PI

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I still have to really think to remember which is right and left. I don't fucking understand how I haven't learned this by now. I memorise long numbers and passwords and I know how to walk around my entire house without stepping on the creaking planks and I can do up a bow tie but I sometimes still have to make the L shape with my hand to see which is left. It's ridiculous.

 

I like eggs too.

 

Oh also I can't ever remember which day I have to put the rubbish out. I've never once known which day it is wherever I live. I think I always get confused because you have to put it out the night before, so if someone tells me it gets collected on Wednesday, I try to remember to put it out on Tuesday, but then later when I look in my memory for the data it just says Tuesday so I then think I have to put it out on Monday, but sometimes I second guess myself and add a day forward and then I realise I'm just completely guessing.

 

i always, always fuck up frying an egg. can't get a clean, unbroken yolk, or stop the white going everywhere so it's too thin and then it burns.

 

this thread is now about eggs.

 

You got your heat too high. I mean, I can't help you with the broken yolks, but use a smaller frying pan, heat fry pan on medium, then turn down to medium low directly after dropping the egg in the pan.

 

Also, my mom uses milk in her scrambled eggs. I just about hit her.

Thats how you make scrambled eggs son

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Fred McGriff Grand Master

Fred McGriff

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i always, always fuck up frying an egg. can't get a clean, unbroken yolk, or stop the white going everywhere so it's too thin and then it burns.

 

this thread is now about eggs.

 

You got your heat too high. I mean, I can't help you with the broken yolks, but use a smaller frying pan, heat fry pan on medium, then turn down to medium low directly after dropping the egg in the pan.

 

Also, my mom uses milk in here scrambled eggs. I just about hit her.

 

i toss in a drop or two of milk to fluff them up... is that bad?

 

 

i seriously, seriously contemplated tossing a few drops of my wife's breast milk that was stored in the fridge the other day. it's only a matter of time before i do and serve the eggs to her.

 

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