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Who has written the most cringe worthy or pretentious Autechre reviews?


awepittance
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This thread will act as a database for any reviews written for Autechre albums that have literally made you cringe, get angry at your computer chair, or want to punch a wall. It can be because they are pretentiously written, completely out of touch with what makes Autechre so good, or just embarrassing for any reason. The goal is to make a poll for the single most upsetting/annoying autechre review or reviewer. Keep in mind this is not for negative reviews only, positive reviews can be cringe worthy too.

 

 

Ok Go

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:beer:

 

I'll go first

 

http://www.barcodezi...itled100305.htm

 

Autechre - Untilted, 36%

 

 

Almost 2 years after Draft 7.30, Autechre offer a swift response with a brand new album. I must confess that I have never really figured out the attraction of Autechre, and I’m not sure there really is anything to figure out. The duo, comprising of Sean Booth and Rob Brown, have made a career out of supplying sample driven, cutting edge noise albums that have been mostly rewarded with great acclaim, albeit by the snobbish aristocrats of the avant-garde, like The Wire, but personally I have found little justification for their legendary status. Perhaps Autechre were just in the right place at the right time, a period when abstract electronica was peeling strips off electro pop and techno and creating new mosaics; they earned themselves a label, and as we all know, labels stick.

Electronic music itself has too often been labelled with the emotionally retarded tag, but as ridiculous as that is, its artists like Autechre that have often provided convincing argument for the cynic. However patronising this may sound, I often listen to Autechre and wonder if these guys are for real, or merely taking advantage of a gullable audience that wants to be part of something novel and unique at the expense of even liking the music. Are Autechre just a self-perpetuating myth, fawned over by electro trainspotters?

Untilted begins with LCC, and a trio of punchy beats punctuate a familiar computerised tinny loop. The music then evolves, bleeding deliberately off-key melodic stabs and bass tones into a vacant atmosphere – it’s indistinguishable from anything they’ve previously recorded.

Ipacial Section continues Autechre’s fondness for sequencing samples and spewing them out in repetitive machine gun splattered surges. As hard as I try to focus, I find there’s nothing to focus on, yet all the time condemning – this has no body, it’s all fluff. As Untilted wears on it wears you out, as non-progressive loops and minimal electro vignettes blur, spiral and revolve around eachother like flies banging their heads against your bedroom window. Autechre treat melody like it was a repugnant fart, and appear to refute all notions of rhythm just for the sake of it. Serious question? Is their really any thing behind their art?

This has been a remarkably negative review, but I won’t change my mind tomorrow – it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Once again Autechre attempt to get away with passing water off as wine, and good luck to them if they can keep getting away with it. I’m not denying they have done interesting things in the past, even unique, but times have changed and Autechre have simply stood still, wrapped up in their status as the kings of avant-garde cutting edge electronic music. Untitled is so bereft of new ideas, so lacking in personal progression, and so mentally unchallenging, that this time the IDM crowd might well call their bluff.

 

 

this website is known to favor hipster fodder shitty saccharine electronic vocal based pop music and 'avant garde' indie rock. the man who runs it is a familiar face at Xltronic, who has an avatar with a dog holding a dildo in his mouth ( i know it's fucking hilarious isn't it)

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Probably Pitchfork.

 

EDIT: Yep, Pitchfork and their review of Untilted ( http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/368-untilted/ ):

 

(Sitting in the dormitory room just after class on Thursday, Achilles changes into his gym clothes as his roommate Tortoise bursts through their door in a fit of happiness.)

Tortoise: Achilles, have you seen this?

Achilles: What?

Tortoise: Do you see? Yes? I'm referring to the object, though small in size, quite interesting in stature, I am holding in front of you now.

Achilles: It's a CD.

Tortoise: Brilliant! I can see I have come to the right man.

Achilles: ...

Tortoise: Never one for suspense, I'll begin the next phase of our conversation: It is a new album from one of my country's most respected groups of musicians, Autechre.

Achilles: Okay.

Tortoise: And I am holding it in my hands.

Achilles: Okay. Yeah, I heard a new one was coming out or something.

Tortoise: Or something indeed, for I think it may be their best. Better even than the fine Confield. Do you remember the one?

Achilles: Yeah, to be honest, I kinda stopped listening to them a few years back. I liked the first one, I think I liked EP7. I don't really remember much about it.

Tortoise: I would happily grant you a very big favor in return for a moment of your time as I explain to you my thoughts on this record. Might you humor me?

Achilles: Hey, hand that to me. Over here. Thanks. Yeah, whatever.

Tortoise: Thank you. For starters, it's called Untilted. Isn't that funny? "Un-til-ted." They really do have a good sense of humor, don't you think?

Achilles: Um, not really. It's kind of stupid.

Tortoise: Well, I think it's a decent title all the same. But funnier still, I will admit, is that it's comprised of eight letters.

Achilles: Oh shit, yeah, that's hilarious.

Tortoise: Which is to say, funny when I recall that their previous album's title was also comprised of exactly eight alphanumeric characters (not counting the colon, of course). As was the full length before that-- Confield. Don't you think that's strange?

Achilles: No.

Tortoise: And even stranger still, Autechre-- A-U-T-E-C-H-R-E-- has the identical number of characters. Why, when I happened upon this, I was struck by the similarity in form.

Achilles: Okay, way to go off the deep end. Are you going to tell me now that they're geniuses and I can learn trig faster by listening to them? I mean, what's funny is I might actually study to them more if I could hear a beat somewhere.

Tortoise: As it happens, I do believe they are masters of form. But then I also believe they are as instinctively driven as any other musician, if that's not a contradiction (and I don't necessarily believe it is). Take "Pro-Radii", the third track: It begins with pounding, industrial-machinery sounds, as if stomping through a foggy alley using meter-thick blocks of iron as shoe souls. Yet, it slowly mutates into something lighter, with stuttering snare and what sounds like a digital sitar drone in the background.

Achilles: You sound like a critic.

Tortoise: And I haven't even gotten to the punchline! As it changes into something even further removed from the weighty opening, as eerie overtones ring above the pinging, metallic percussion, I realize the piece has arrived at this point in segments, lengthy and subtle, but obviously delineated to be sure. This, or course, is exactly the same scheme much of the dance music-- that with a "beat"-- follows. Measure by measure, units of 8, 16, 32, 64-- it proceeds formally, yet changes its "colors" quite unpredictably.

Achilles: Hey, hand me my bag.

Tortoise: And the first piece, "Lcc"--

Achilles: haha

Tortoise: --"Lcc", with its rapid-fire artillery precision, tight snare, and clear, metered rhythm, could easily be mistaken for dance music. In fact, I'd move some limbs for you, but would hate to influence your judgment negatively.

Achilles: Next.

Tortoise: Achilles, if you'd listen, you'd hear that the beat you are looking for is here, and an especially well-put-together one at that. Autechre are rightfully accused of being influenced by hip-hop, even as I imagine a rapper laying behind the beat might find himself on the wrong side of "1" from time to time.

Achilles: So, you're saying it's got an interesting beat as long as you don't expect any kind of groove. And you know what? It's not even like I'm turning to Autechre for "grooves." Where the fuck did all the cool IDM even go? Like three years ago, you couldn't stop finding cool shit, shit that nobody'd ever heard before.

Tortoise: I'm saying that interest is found where you are sufficiently motivated to look. "Fermium" would fit perfectly in the Berlin mix you made for your nephew. A little busier, perhaps, but...

Achilles: Oh man, I forgot I was supposed to copy that for that board chick. Fuck, hey, can I use your computer? The library's closed today.

Tortoise: The point is, despite their abstraction over the last few years, Autechre aren't an altogether different beast than when they started. In fact, they're smarter, more refined.

Achilles: Look, I'll grant you they sound more complicated, but so the fuck what? I mean, I heard Draft 7:30. I liked it at first, until I realized all this form and content or whatever you're talking about is totally transparent. Dance music? Come on man, you need a more than "beat" to make dance music. If anything, I think they're out of ideas; throwing in a bunch of random shit to hide the fact that they peaked about seven years ago.

Tortoise: My point is, I am still moved by this music. Not just the form, not just the hidden beats and seemingly chaotic shifts in meter. I believe artists are those who instinctively recognize the ways of things, and translate them in ways ultimately true to their spirit. Ours is a "seemingly chaotic" world, but underneath the maze of people and opinions, there is order, truth, and beauty. And maybe, just maybe, Autechre have the rare gift of showing us just where we stand, turbulence and all.

Achilles: And my point is, if it's driven by form, it's a pretty messy, lazy form-- certainly no more structurally sound than any other software wank music. On top of that, if I'm supposed to "feel" this, to pick up on some obscure metaphysical in-joke, I'm not-- isn't it the job of a good artist to make that shit clear? Either way, it fails for me. Autechre decided to go their own way, fine, you know, just don't expect me to call them "geniuses."

Tortoise: [sigh] Alright, Achilles, I can see we're going to have to agree to disagree. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

Achilles: Oh don't worry, dude, just wear headphones when you play that stuff.

(With all apologies to Douglas Hofstadter and Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid, which I'd send you if I had an extra copy.)

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any specific ones? a small (or large, depending on how douchetastic) profile of the reviewer would be extremely pleasurable as well. I believe in you!

 

my god that one from pitchfork is abominable, it goes far beyond cringe worthy

Edited by Awepittance
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well i feel like we already have bets being placed on who may win the (music 'critic' with his head up his ass the farthest) poll, but lets try to find more. I mean it might end up that it's very easy to pick the douchiest, but only more examples will be able to prove that case.

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I always remember this one about Gantz Graf from NME - http://www.nme.com/reviews/autechre/6602

 

Autechre records are purchased solely by bald men in expensive anoraks who would masturbate to a car alarm if it was re-mixed by a German. This impenetrable curtain of misanthropic noise - released with an accompanying three-track DVD that features a squabble of hopelessly pretentious video "interpretations" - is typical of the menopausal electro-manglers' dogged refusal to bow to convention and produce anything of interest to anyone not either a) bald or b) German. It bleeps. It skronks. It krrraaaanks. But mainly, it blows like a ruddy awful hurricane. Remember, kids; if it sounds like a festering hillock of tune-shy bum-wank, it's because it IS a festering hillock of tune-shy bum-wank. Avoid as you would a bald German.

 

And yes, this was the actual review - printed onto paper and circulated nationally !

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Guest bionicrat

Autechre records are purchased solely by bald men in expensive anoraks who would masturbate to a car alarm if it was re-mixed by a German

 

...sounds like a reviewer both sputtering with hate for ae, and yet also taking the time to think up sexy insults and wait for juuuust the right review in which they could be (appropriately?) unleashed.

 

BRB gotta go get on my wool coat and jack it to a ringtone chopped and screwed by a Russian.

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Guest sirch

I always remember this one about Gantz Graf from NME - http://www.nme.com/r...s/autechre/6602

 

Autechre records are purchased solely by bald men in expensive anoraks who would masturbate to a car alarm if it was re-mixed by a German. This impenetrable curtain of misanthropic noise - released with an accompanying three-track DVD that features a squabble of hopelessly pretentious video "interpretations" - is typical of the menopausal electro-manglers' dogged refusal to bow to convention and produce anything of interest to anyone not either a) bald or b) German. It bleeps. It skronks. It krrraaaanks. But mainly, it blows like a ruddy awful hurricane. Remember, kids; if it sounds like a festering hillock of tune-shy bum-wank, it's because it IS a festering hillock of tune-shy bum-wank. Avoid as you would a bald German.

 

And yes, this was the actual review - printed onto paper and circulated nationally !

 

whoever wrote that should be shot. by a bald German.

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Guest bionicrat

The overly expository Gantz Graf review by the same pitchfork failure is only marginally better than the Draft abomination:http://pitchfork.com...-gantz-graf-ep/

 

His takeaway: I like "Dial" cos it comes closest to club music. Where are the ACTUAL RECOGNIZABLE BEATS?!? The videos are Zzzz.

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There are some great Amazon reviews out there.

 

Confield:

This review is from: Confield (Audio CD)

Having heard Autechre on previous ambient compilations albums, I thought I knew what I was buying. However, with Confield I was sorely disappointed. If you can imagine the sound of a million ants scurrying about their nest and amplify this a million-fold, you're almost getting the intensely repetitive sound that exemplifies Confield. There is barely any melodic composition to this album and it is no more than an exercise in drumbeats, aural pain and listener endurance. The album quite possibly encapsulates the sounds experienced by a paranoid schizophrenic's appreciation of cocaine-fuelled monkeys playing a giant drumset. Mince.

 

 

This review is from: Quaristice (Audio CD)

 

Yet again Autechre disappoint with their latest album, a total mess and painful for anyone looking for harmony and melodies in their music taste.

 

If Autechre just stuck a random beep command into a loop with random parameters, I'm sure some of the pretentious fan base would still come on here stating that 'this album is so deep', good grief.

 

 

 

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But those reviewers are f. morons!!! Know that an IQ of at least 150 is required to judge the albums property?!

(Shit! This could even be true)

So don't take their words to heart ;)

Edited by xox
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the barcode review of quaristice is almost as douchey.

Barcode panned Brown and Boothe’s last expedition in IDM (Untilted), and was roundly email barracked by Autechre’s nerdy followers - so it's time to put our crash helmets back on as Autechre return with the charmingly titled Quaristice. Thankfully, the opening Altibzz immediately proves that there's a semblance of flesh and blood pumping beyond the heart of Autechre’s monotone machine, it’s so lovely – so warm, so fuzzy, so melodic. Could we have 19 more please? My hopes were up, but Autechre said "no".

The Plc reverts to the grizzled, schizoid Autechre of old, full of chattering mechanics and quacking daftness. In all fairness, Quaristice isn’t nearly as dreary as Autechre’s previous album, Untilted. Because the album is built upon a premise of electronic jamming sessions, every now and then Autechre stumble upon an idea and realise its potential. The shrill, technoid Perlence attacks your sense like a brickbat with a rusty nail protruding from it, Simmmm’s chiming circuitry breathes melody and expression with erratic glee before cluster-fucking itself into an early grave. Tankakern sounds like warm thunder blowing through a steel factory, and Rale kicks arse with its bottom end synths and lifeless, foreboding gaze. There’s some gem stones in them there hills, you just got to find them.

In truth, I prefer the format of Quaristice to Autechre’s usually more journeying albums – variety is the spice of life as they say, so I’m sure in another year I’ll have picked a bit more meat off this mordant carcass of found sounds. However, dare I say it, but in 2008 Autechre are beginning to sound almost irrelevant. Others have stolen their template, added fire and brimstone, humour and joy. Little of that is resident here.

IDM is slowly but surely glitching its way into popular culture, whilst Brown and Booth remain outsiders - disturbingly set in their ways and seemingly wallowing in self-importance. Can they do anything different? Do we have the right to demand it, and has technique-based electronic music hit an impasse? Big questions, Autechre are giving us no answers.

Edited by Joseph
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I always remember this one about Gantz Graf from NME - http://www.nme.com/r...s/autechre/6602

 

Autechre records are purchased solely by bald men in expensive anoraks who would masturbate to a car alarm if it was re-mixed by a German. This impenetrable curtain of misanthropic noise - released with an accompanying three-track DVD that features a squabble of hopelessly pretentious video "interpretations" - is typical of the menopausal electro-manglers' dogged refusal to bow to convention and produce anything of interest to anyone not either a) bald or b) German. It bleeps. It skronks. It krrraaaanks. But mainly, it blows like a ruddy awful hurricane. Remember, kids; if it sounds like a festering hillock of tune-shy bum-wank, it's because it IS a festering hillock of tune-shy bum-wank. Avoid as you would a bald German.

 

And yes, this was the actual review - printed onto paper and circulated nationally !

 

LOL that's hilarious! I love reviews of "IDM".

 

There was one in a David Cross book that was sorta funny but I can't find it right now.

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the barcode review of quaristice is almost as douchey.

Barcode panned Brown and Boothe’s last expedition in IDM (Untilted), and was roundly email barracked by Autechre’s nerdy followers - so it's time to put our crash helmets back on as Autechre return with the charmingly titled Quaristice. Thankfully, the opening Altibzz immediately proves that there's a semblance of flesh and blood pumping beyond the heart of Autechre’s monotone machine, it’s so lovely – so warm, so fuzzy, so melodic. Could we have 19 more please? My hopes were up, but Autechre said "no".

The Plc reverts to the grizzled, schizoid Autechre of old, full of chattering mechanics and quacking daftness. In all fairness, Quaristice isn’t nearly as dreary as Autechre’s previous album, Untilted. Because the album is built upon a premise of electronic jamming sessions, every now and then Autechre stumble upon an idea and realise its potential. The shrill, technoid Perlence attacks your sense like a brickbat with a rusty nail protruding from it, Simmmm’s chiming circuitry breathes melody and expression with erratic glee before cluster-fucking itself into an early grave. Tankakern sounds like warm thunder blowing through a steel factory, and Rale kicks arse with its bottom end synths and lifeless, foreboding gaze. There’s some gem stones in them there hills, you just got to find them.

In truth, I prefer the format of Quaristice to Autechre’s usually more journeying albums – variety is the spice of life as they say, so I’m sure in another year I’ll have picked a bit more meat off this mordant carcass of found sounds. However, dare I say it, but in 2008 Autechre are beginning to sound almost irrelevant. Others have stolen their template, added fire and brimstone, humour and joy. Little of that is resident here.

IDM is slowly but surely glitching its way into popular culture, whilst Brown and Booth remain outsiders - disturbingly set in their ways and seemingly wallowing in self-importance. Can they do anything different? Do we have the right to demand it, and has technique-based electronic music hit an impasse? Big questions, Autechre are giving us no answers.

 

what's interesting is that every time the guy uses terms like 'sef importance' he really means creativity. Thinking outside of the box offends his sensibilities.

Edited by Awepittance
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Alcofribas: Oversteps review

 

I don't think that was really pretentious or cringeworthy. The part about the last half of a song just being "Bike" was one of the better parts as well as Yuop "being the whole album played in reverse."

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