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Wakanda Forever - If you've seen the trailer, you've seen the entire movie. If you've read the comics, you already know who the next Black Panther is. Also, the soundtrack was rammed down your throat. C+

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Hoped they would nail the introduction of Namor & Namora, as it's taken years to get the rights, but they biffed IMO, Namor came off as completely one dimensional., and his reimagining just doesn't stick. The underwater scenes were particularly unimpressive, like they were shot in a shallow water tank and it shows. Iron Heart also got the short end of character development, which they will have more time for in her Disney+ series.

 

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Lair 2022 (Dir. Neil Marshall) 

 

The short version of this review: I watched this movie so you don’t have to.

The long version: Before we move forward, I think it’s important to acknowledge that not every horror movie has to be a “AAA” horror movie. I love all sorts of horror, and that includes the wonderful “B” horror movies whose general sloppiness, corny dialogue and middling production is made up for with heart, enthusiasm, and a gentle wink and nod at the audience. The difference between a great B movie and poor one is that the former KNOWS what it is and leans into its strengths, while the latter strains against its limitations towards something it can never be, instead of embracing them. Alas, this is one of the latter. 

The general plot goes something like this: A military pilot is shot down over the deserts of Afghanistan, and while running from local insurgents ends up in an abandoned bunker that was (apparently) used by the Russians to – and I’m not joking here – integrate alien DNA from a gigantic ship that crashed there into human beings to create super soldiers. Mind you, we don’t definitively find this out until about 2/3rds of the way through the movie, but at that point your eyes will have probably glazed over and/or you’ve decided to doomscroll on your phone so I’m just going to go ahead and clarify that point for anyone who has tried to watch this movie. Never mind the fact that these creatures, while “they can wrap their tongue/tentacles around your face and read your mind to figure out how to defeat you” also seem to act in a completely unorganized fashion for most of the film, more like animals that any sort of directed force. (I’m just saying, maybe the one piece of verisimilitude in this film is showing that the Russians might have a lot of tech, but little foresight when it comes to actual organized invasions).

The film seems intent on reviewing the Wikipedia on “top horror movies of the past 20 years” and randomly checking off boxes in no particular order:

  • Tough but hot military chick who is destined to survive the monsters/insurgents/poor dialogue against all odds? Check 

  • Ragtag bunch of military grunts with one unique identifying quality a piece (“oh, that one’s a kleptomaniac!”) who will die somewhere in the middle half of the movie but you literally won’t remember their name 15 seconds later? Check

  • A blossoming romance between the hot military chick and the obvious leader who isn’t the commander officer but eventually becomes the de facto commanding office when the actual commanding officer dies? Check 

  • A gigantic alien space ship? Check

  • A gigantic alien? Check

  • An autopsy on a corpse that comes alive even though you thought it was dead!!? Check

  • “We’re running out of ammo!” Check

  • A dark hallway with smoke and strobe lights (how does this place even have power after 40 years)? Check 

 

The kicker here is: this thing could have been pretty fun. On the surface, that checklist of items could have made for a chill, lazy Sunday afternoon movie if the whole things wasn’t straining so hard to seem like it was a “good” horror movie. Unfortunately, every element is carried off so poorly (from the direction, to the acting to the dialogue, to the special effects) that even the seams have seams. 

This movie ends with our “final girls/guys” driving at top speed (roughly 90 mph) in a jeep away from what we have already been told is the “largest sub-nuclear explosive device ever deployed” for approximately 15 seconds before the bomb hits. I’m no scientist but I somehow doubt that this would be sufficient for them to survive but, of course, they do. As the camera pans back and they try desperately to get the jeep to start (“Come on, baby, come on!” exhorts our leader as he cranks the engine repeatedly until it, of course, roars back to life) I’m left the with the lingering thought that, maybe, just maybe, there is a world where that sub-nuclear blast was large enough to completely the envelope not only the characters but the film itself, utterly obliterating it from existence itself (or, at the very least, from my memory). 

Bonus review text

In 2005, an relatively unknown director named Neil Marshall created a low budget horror masterpiece called The Descent that managed to achieve the trifecta of positive critical review, almost unanimous viewer adulation, and a huge 57.1$ haul against a measly ~$4 million budget. The film featured believable characters who acted like actual human beings, whose dialogue felt unforced and nuanced, and who faced both situations that might happen to actual human beings (being trapped in a cave system underground) and ones that no one will likely every face (fending off a brood of underground mutant creatures/monsters). It was not only a great horror movie, it was a great movie, that used its horror trappings to reveal deeper insights into the human condition (as all great horror movies do).  

 

You might be asking yourself, “Why is tessier talking about a film from 15 years ago instead talking about the film this review is about?” To which I respond: “Because it’s abundantly clear after watching The Lair that someone has kidnapped Neil Marshall and replaced him with a body double and WE NEED TO GET THE WORD OUT NOW”

 

#FREENEILMARSHALL 

 

 

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As a former Crüe-head, I’m happy to say I finally watched this. Kinda interesting to see how they dramatized all of those familiar stories and fit them into 2hrs. Definitely cheesy at times. It’s also interesting how rather than avoiding the more obvious sexism of their reality, the filmmakers choose to celebrate it, as if the movie was to watched with the fresh eyes of a bygone era. Very raunchy indeed, but that was probably tamer than the truth. I thought the acting & editing could have been better but it got me in the end.
 

Spoiler

The bit with Vince’s daughter was heartbreaking. I cried.

 

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2 guys have dinner and talk. that's the whole film. their conversation goes deep into trying to understand the human experience. one guy is pragmatic, the other is spiritually eccentric. both guys have strong theatre backgrounds, and use this to make their points. a lot of discussion on experiencing reality as it really is vs. living behind a mask of illusion. very philosophical with Buddhist undertones. highly recommended if you have patience and are into discussing life philosophy and humanity.

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1 hour ago, zero said:

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2 guys have dinner and talk. that's the whole film. their conversation goes deep into trying to understand the human experience. one guy is pragmatic, the other is spiritually eccentric. both guys have strong theatre backgrounds, and use this to make their points. a lot of discussion on experiencing reality as it really is vs. living behind a mask of illusion. very philosophical with Buddhist undertones. highly recommended if you have patience and are into discussing life philosophy and humanity.

this looks good but I’ve always avoided it bc it’s impossible for me to think of that guy as any character other than the one he plaid on the cosby show

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Watched the first 6 minutes of Spirited (2022) and it made me want to nuke the USA. All parties involved deserve the death penalty.

Terrifier 2, stupid throwback slasher flick with some fun over the top kills. Not bad for an 84 minute movie, unfortunately it's 138 minutes long and believes it's a clever arthouse movie. It certainly isn't.

Three thousand years of longing. Really wanted to like this, but turns out I just didn't care about any of it. Nice enough for what it is I guess. I'm way too cynical to buy into this.

Vesper. Some neat designs and stuff, predictable. Doesn't really go anywhere interesting.

Hellraiser 2022, it's pretty bad, but I like these shits. Probably in the top three of a (unfortunately) pretty arse movie series with great antagonists.

The Fly. Great stuff.

The Raid. Great stuff.

Red Road. Great stuff.

Happiness. Great stuff.

Prey. Top three film with predators in it, which isn't really saying much.

Out of sight. Good soundtrack, my favourite j-lo movie.

Involuntary. Great stuff.

Triangle of sadness. I lol'd. A bit too on the nose I guess, but it was fun.

Disney's Pinocchio (2022) Shit and piss.

The cursed. Seemed like an allright werewolf variant, but I tapped out because I got bored with it. I'll probably finish it some day.

Us. I actually liked this.

Nope. I actually liked this.

Werewolf by Night. I actually liked this.

Flesh+blood. Great stuff.

Burnt offerings. Apt description.

Invaders from mars (86). I understand why I loved this as a kid, but it doesn't really hold up. Great practical effects though.

Skinamarink. Super duper grungy footage of some kids wandering aimlessly around one of those cheaply built US middle class homes, with no way of escaping and everything seems off. Unexpectedly disturbing. Not a single shit happens. I guess I liked it, but also I never want to see that again. 

Smile. It was kind of cool untill they stopped showing any restraint at all and it turned into a very goofy bore.

V/H/S/99. Another bad anthology. Demons/Hell segment was pretty fun.

Deadstream. Found footage/livestreamer horror movie by the people from the fun segment in vhs99. This was also pretty fun, and also a bit spooky, l until I lost interest about halfway through. Fine.

Crimes of the future. I was into it.

Resident Evil: Welcome to raccoon, shitty (2022).

The Northman. Took itself way too seriously for something as goofy as this is. Still has some stuff to enjoy. Valhalla Rising is about a million times better if you're into artsy violent topless Viking lads.

The Sadness. Well wow, ok sure. Yeah. That sure is some stuff.

Crank 1&2, lol. I can't hate this. 1000 testosterone filled penises/movie.

Chip n dale rescue rangers. Absolute brain rot. It's just an on screen excretion of pop culture references you look at and think hey I know what that is and I guess that makes some people feel good but I get angry and I'm sorry.

Murina. Sometimes it feels good watching an European drama film in a language you don't hear too often. People have relationships and interactions, some of them even behave like real people. This is definitely one of those.

Razzen Nest. It's amateur hour horror podcast, with some ok images and I kind of hated it for the longest time, but it won me over. Despite everything. Can't really recommend it.

Blue Velvet. Great stuff.

I've watched so much shit lately. This is what I remembered, which is probably just a fraction. Thank you.

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this... was not good.

Spoiler

basically a bunch of dames have to repopulate their planet by gathering male semen. any-how. but it's done with zero budget by people that clearly drink too much and just need an excuse to have an orgy. respekt

 

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On 11/21/2022 at 8:32 PM, Alcofribas said:

this looks good but I’ve always avoided it bc it’s impossible for me to think of that guy as any character other than the one he plaid on the cosby show

There's  a community episode of this with jeff and abed

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I recently watched the first season of West Wing, which is really out of character for me, only because I'm interested in screenwriting and Aaron Sorkin is pretty darn good at dialogue, among other things.   It was one of the most plain and innocuous things I've ever watched.   Like it's basically just intrigue for political junkies and people who are really into the finer points of legalese (and that could be me at times, but only to an extent).  It's always kinda fascinating to see what becomes successful and to theorize about why.   I generally go for more otherworldly storylines.  

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On 11/20/2022 at 2:26 PM, J3FF3R00 said:

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As a former Crüe-head, I’m happy to say I finally watched this. Kinda interesting to see how they dramatized all of those familiar stories and fit them into 2hrs. Definitely cheesy at times. It’s also interesting how rather than avoiding the more obvious sexism of their reality, the filmmakers choose to celebrate it, as if the movie was to watched with the fresh eyes of a bygone era. Very raunchy indeed, but that was probably tamer than the truth. I thought the acting & editing could have been better but it got me in the end.
 

  Reveal hidden contents

The bit with Vince’s daughter was heartbreaking. I cried.

 

The book had some pretty rapey stuff in there, curious how they sorted that out.   Did they portray OZzy licking up urine off the ground, or was that too much of a lawsuit waiting to happen?

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5 hours ago, no part of it said:

The book had some pretty rapey stuff in there, curious how they sorted that out.   Did they portray OZzy licking up urine off the ground, or was that too much of a lawsuit waiting to happen?

They definitely had ozzy licking the urine. what is interesting is that the band members all are credited as producers but they are portrayed like a bunch of idiots. It’s a bit spinal tap-ish

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