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Midlife crisis


kakapo
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12 hours ago, azatoth said:

I will be 39 this year and I am seriously considering taking drum lessons once the plague has calmed down.

Yep, that's exactly how it starts. First you buy yourself a drum kit. Then you're wearing lycra cycling gear on Sundays. Before you know it, you're frequenting that lay-by on the outskirts of town, the one that's popular with other straight men. You know the one (if not, pm me for postcode). 

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My wife's dad, at age 50 something, got a massive tribal tattoo on his leg, bought a black mazda mx-5 with gold rims which he only ever referred to as his "sportscar" (never just "car"), had an affair with a series of welsh strumpets, and made a bunch of terrible financial decisions like just not bothering to pay the mortgage anymore, which got him kicked out of the family home and then he had to sleep on his mum's sofa in an old people's home for year.

 

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56 minutes ago, Amen Warrior said:

My wife's dad, at age 50 something, got a massive tribal tattoo on his leg, bought a black mazda mx-5 with gold rims which he only ever referred to as his "sportscar" (never just "car"), had an affair with a series of welsh strumpets, and made a bunch of terrible financial decisions like just not bothering to pay the mortgage anymore, which got him kicked out of the family home and then he had to sleep on his mum's sofa in an old people's home for year.

 

Yeah, but just think of all the old dear poon he must’ve dusty-pumped in that year tho. 

👵🏼 on tap. 

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5 hours ago, Plum said:

Yep, that's exactly how it starts. First you buy yourself a drum kit. Then you're wearing lycra cycling gear on Sundays. Before you know it, you're frequenting that lay-by on the outskirts of town, the one that's popular with other straight men. You know the one (if not, pm me for postcode). 

Yeah what's with the lycra wearing cycling gear middle aged Dads out cycling on weekends and are sometimes aggressively cycling to piss off cars? Are they going through some kind of mid-life crisis? Does anyone know anyone that does this and can provide an insight into these people?

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37 minutes ago, Dale said:

Yeah what's with the lycra wearing cycling gear middle aged Dads out cycling on weekends and are sometimes aggressively cycling to piss off cars? Are they going through some kind of mid-life crisis? Does anyone know anyone that does this and can provide an insight into these people?

General effects of years of exposure to lead aka boomer brain

52 minutes ago, Plum said:

Yeah, but just think of all the old dear poon he must’ve dusty-pumped in that year tho. 

👵🏼 on tap. 

He wouldn't have touched it mate, he sees himself as some sort of james bond figure despite all evidence to the contrary (works at a job centre plus)

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Also your knees are shot by that age so if you want to do reasonably intense cardio its one of the better options.

Plum, unless I have a full and sincere apology by midnight tonight there will be consequences.

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Bad knees does not explain why they have to get dressed up like a superheros paedophile uncle and cut about on track bikes that weigh the same as a grain of rice.

(my wife's dad also does this btw)

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1 hour ago, Dale said:

Yeah what's with the lycra wearing cycling gear middle aged Dads out cycling on weekends and are sometimes aggressively cycling to piss off cars? Are they going through some kind of mid-life crisis? Does anyone know anyone that does this and can provide an insight into these people?

I was in a corporate team once where almost all of the 50+ guys suddenly bought themselves tons of very expensive cycling gear. Then they got the whole team at work to sign up in this kind of "kilometer contest" where you mark down how many kilometers you ride each day for the summer. I also bought a cheapo odometer for my bicycle to track my kilometers. My bicycle was a piece of crap that I bought used for about 100€.

Finally at the end of the summer the kilometers were checked. The naïve young lad that I was back then thought that surely they are going to ride a lot with all that gear. They all rode about 200km or less each during the whole summer with their gear and cycles that must have cost several thousand euros. :facepalm: Meanwhile I rode my crappy bicycle basically almost everywhere because I didn't have a car and clocked in about 1500km. The only guy that got more kilometers than I did was this hipster trainee guy who was always on his fixie bike.

Never heard about the kilometer contest after that.

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3 hours ago, kakapo said:

Also your knees are shot by that age so if you want to do reasonably intense cardio its one of the better options.

Plum, unless I have a full and sincere apology by midnight tonight there will be consequences.

I am sorry Kakapo. I’m sorry you’re a lycra clad-road bike-bummy-gang wannabe. 

I bet you linger down side roads and alleyways on your tricycle, in your homemade clingfilm outfit that you’ve adorned with brand logos like GIANT, Shimano & Team Sky using Sharpies. Waiting for groups of unaware cyclists to pass by, so you can tag on behind and imagine what it’s like to have real friends (even if it is only briefly, before they notice your mouth stench, pick up the pace and shake you off like the unwanted turd you are)

 

edit: your knees are bad due to years of noshing-off strangers in public toilets in exchange for single cigarettes.


 

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3 hours ago, Plum said:

I am sorry Kakapo. I’m sorry you’re a lycra clad-road bike-bummy-gang wannabe. 

I bet you linger down side roads and alleyways on your tricycle, in your homemade clingfilm outfit that you’ve adorned with brand logos like GIANT, Shimano & Team Sky using Sharpies. Waiting for groups of unaware cyclists to pass by, so you can tag on behind and imagine what it’s like to have real friends (even if it is only briefly, before they notice your mouth stench, pick up the pace and shake you off like the unwanted turd you are)

 

edit: your knees are bad due to years of noshing-off strangers in public toilets in exchange for single cigarettes.


 

Plum, you should know that true friendships can still be ephemeral, still contain profound beauty no matter how short.  The Japanese have a phrase for it.  Mono no aware.  Look it up.  I would've expected you to understand this after your experience of organising a 'bring your mandolin' night at a local pub in the provincial shithole that you call home.  Might have been a good idea in 2009.  Not too sure about 2019.  You told me you had dreams of meeting a quirky hipster girl like that one in 300 days of Summer.  You turned up in your best outfit which consisted of a blue harbour check shirt and jeans that were too tight for you by about 30lbs.  Still couldn't see the outline of your penis though.  Nobody turned up.  You'd already knocked back a couple of Stellas for courage, thinking that tonight was going to be the night, when Julie the postmistress and her gaggle of prosecco soaked harridans walked in.  You carried on drinking, and things got a little bit hazy didn't they?  To this day you're still not sure exactly how it happened.  I was there Plum, I was there watching.  I paid Julie to do it.  I like to watch.  I like to take photos.          

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21 minutes ago, kakapo said:

Plum, you should know that true friendships can still be ephemeral, still contain profound beauty no matter how short.  The Japanese have a phrase for it.  Mono no aware.  Look it up.  I would've expected you to understand this after your experience of organising a 'bring your mandolin' night at a local pub in the provincial shithole that you call home.  Might have been a good idea in 2009.  Not too sure about 2019.  You told me you had dreams of meeting a quirky hipster girl like that one in 300 days of Summer.  You turned up in your best outfit which consisted of a blue harbour check shirt and jeans that were too tight for you by about 30lbs.  Still couldn't see the outline of your penis though.  Nobody turned up.  You'd already knocked back a couple of Stellas for courage, thinking that tonight was going to be the night, when Julie the postmistress and her gaggle of prosecco soaked harridans walked in.  You carried on drinking, and things got a little bit hazy didn't they?  To this day you're still not sure exactly how it happened.  I was there Plum, I was there watching.  I paid Julie to do it.  I like to watch.  I like to take photos.          

Motgerfucker you’ve crossed a line. You know I love Blue Habour check shirts. Don’t weaponise that. 

 

edit: I’m absolutely livid. I’m serious never bring Blue Harbour check shirts into this again.    

edit: I’m actually shaking with rage. 

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8 minutes ago, zero said:

I'm still hoping for pics of the crocheted dildo mentioned a few pages back

Unless you’ve got an endoscope that’s gonna be tricky. Postmistress Julie hand delivered the package. Kakapos trying to unwrap it using just his colon as we speak. 

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