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Relationship Advice...


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5 minutes ago, jaderpansen said:

You're still very young iirc. I'd say time is the healer of all wounds, but it surely matters how you spend that time, too... Be around people you like being around, concentrate on the goals you pursue, if there aren't any in particular rn set some for yourself, take care of yourself. Believe me i know from experience it's far easier said than done.

The pain will stop eventually. All the best!

Thanks, really appreciate the kind words. I know I'm going to get over it at some point, for now I'm gonna keep my head up and continue moving. The setting goals thing is a pretty good suggestion as I do not plan on sitting around wallowing in my emotions anymore.

 

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a couple of considerations. what you were describing rings true as a pervasive social type; this kind of self-culture where you focus on sculpting your self, your career, your body and in this context

Don't try to be friends with your ex. There are many, many, many other people you can be friends with instead. Move on. Less contact is best. Build your life so there's no room for them. Wanting to re

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6 hours ago, jaderpansen said:

breakups are incredibly painful but can result in the most valuable friendships if you get your shit together and don't let yourself get carried away with toxicity, as it happened between my last ex and me. i can hardly express my appreciation of the fact i can turn to someone who really knows me, including the most intimate and ugly parts i wouldn't want to bother more casual aquaintances with.

very much worth it imo. i wish you the same.

4 hours ago, Zephyr_Nova said:

I've never remained friends with anyone I've dated.  The one I'd been with 10 years gave me an ultimatum like "if you break up with me now, you can never see or speak to me again."  So that's that.  And the most recent one decided out of the blue that distance would be best (this was 15 minutes before we were scheduled to meet up for the first time after breaking up).  So I view romantic relationships as eventual friendship enders.  But it's not the case for everyone, just has been in my experience.

 I've never really been to do this after the end of a long term, intense relationship. I never saw the point. However, shorter term relationships totally, though if the other person was more emotionally invested, it still took time and investment to re-establish and form a new friendship.

Either way, it's a testament to the quality of a friendship if you can do this, but needs authenticity. 

2 hours ago, thumbass said:

We are trying to stay friends but right now it just makes me think about what could have been. I'm trying not to get too toxic and move on. I think that when time passes I'll be happy i decided to remain friends 'cause we know each other well.

All the best with this. It's good that you can recognise the potential for toxicity. Coming out of a relationship is akin to withdrawals from addiction, making sure you have a people to listen  and talk to, as well as giving you a kick up the arse if needed, is important (IMO). 

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10 minutes ago, Shimon_Shimon said:

Either way, it's a testament to the quality of a friendship if you can do this, but needs authenticity.

Sure, not like that worked with all my former relationships, these things can't be forced. And if it turns out staying the fuck away from each other is the best for everyone that's perfectly alright, too (still wouldn't want to remain on bad terms, karma n shit...).

25 minutes ago, dingformung said:

Or an incestuous family? Are you guys related?

Like, aren't we all bros n siss in a way liek in our hearts n minds n shit, sprawling from a common cosmic womb?

I Want To Be A Hippy(and i want to get STONED) by Calum Forbes

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On 3/17/2021 at 12:42 PM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Was just sent the best tinder opening line:

"Hey, u into anything above 160?"

She's the one.

She asked to see my soundcloud.  The courting has begun.

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9 minutes ago, Zephyr_Nova said:

She asked to see my soundcloud.  The courting has begun.

time for this one again:

 

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On 3/17/2021 at 4:18 PM, dingformung said:

The women was referring to centimetres but you intentionally misunderstood it as "beats per minute", which is funny because we are on a music forum, one that allows music above 160bpm at that. This was the joke.

A man walks into a beer hall.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

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8 hours ago, Shimon_Shimon said:

All the best with this. It's good that you can recognise the potential for toxicity. Coming out of a relationship is akin to withdrawals from addiction, making sure you have a people to listen  and talk to, as well as giving you a kick up the arse if needed, is important (IMO). 

Thanks, I'm surrounded with good people that I can trust with this. I'll be fine!

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This was a so called "anti joke". It is supposed to not be funny and refers to the stereotype about German people having a poor sense of humour. A result of the post-war era.

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2 hours ago, dingformung said:

This was a so called "anti joke". It is supposed to not be funny and refers to the stereotype about German people having a poor sense of humour. A result of the post-war era.

That's interesting, because in the 19th century the stereotype was that Germans have a very good sense of humor.  I suppose things have changed...

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4 hours ago, dingformung said:

This was a so called "anti joke". It is supposed to not be funny and refers to the stereotype about German people having a poor sense of humour. A result of the post-war era.

It's also written by some English person, but thought it fit in well with the context of your post.

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I'm starting to doubt wether we can remain friends. It's a really shitty and difficult situation

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36 minutes ago, thumbass said:

I'm starting to doubt wether we can remain friends. It's a really shitty and difficult situation

You obvs still have feelings for her, don't try to chow em down for the sake of friendship while things are hot, it most won't work. Give it time and things will evolve naturally later (or not, but it won't matter as much to you then). Don't hesitate to take a break from each other if neccessary, even if it hurts... Sorry to read it.

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21 minutes ago, jaderpansen said:

You obvs still have feelings for her, don't try to chow em down for the sake of friendship while things are hot, it most won't work. Give it time and things will evolve naturally later (or not, but it won't matter as much to you then). Don't hesitate to take a break from each other if neccessary, even if it hurts... Sorry to read it.

@dingformung: Quit burgering me you Spast! D;

edit: better...

Edited by jaderpansen
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1 hour ago, jaderpansen said:

You obvs still have feelings for her, don't try to chow em down for the sake of friendship while things are hot, it most won't work. Give it time and things will evolve naturally later (or not, but it won't matter as much to you then). Don't hesitate to take a break from each other if neccessary, even if it hurts... Sorry to read it.

To be honest, you are right. I haven't gotten over her yet. Im afraid of becoming bitter and/ or jealous if i keep the friends thing up and I see her going out with others and I don't want that. Maybe a break is the best. At least I'll be able to get my mind straight that way. I appreciate the advice you  give. Also, sorry if I'm ruining the meme potential this page had lol.

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23 minutes ago, thumbass said:

To be honest, you are right. I haven't gotten over her yet. Im afraid of becoming bitter and/ or jealous if i keep the friends thing up and I see her going out with others and I don't want that. Maybe a break is the best. At least I'll be able to get my mind straight that way. I appreciate the advice you  give. Also, sorry if I'm ruining the meme potential this page had lol.

Having gone through a similar situation very recently, I recommend this emphatically.  You need to remember about all the other things in life that aren't related to this one person, and then you might be in a better position to move on from your old feelings.  I wish I could tell you an easy way to go through it, but you just have to learn to be grateful for the past without being greedy;  be thankful for what you had and what you got from it, and don't try to take any more.

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2 hours ago, drillkicker said:

Having gone through a similar situation very recently, I recommend this emphatically.  You need to remember about all the other things in life that aren't related to this one person, and then you might be in a better position to move on from your old feelings.  I wish I could tell you an easy way to go through it, but you just have to learn to be grateful for the past without being greedy;  be thankful for what you had and what you got from it, and don't try to take any more.

Thanks for the kind words. The serious replies mean a lot. I'm going to try to he happy with what i had. I'm hanging out with my friends trying not to think about it right now

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Every time I think I've gotten over it we meet again and it all comes back.  I'm right back where I was a month ago.  I know whatever we had/could have had wasn't that special, but how can I believe that right now ?

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The worst sort of ex hangover i get is that for some time after i'll catch myself mentally coming up with snarky oneliners to drop in the event that they try to get back in touch. and i'll be like "owen, come on dude, you're better than this"

Spoiler

and then i look at my gmail archives over the last decade & realize that no i'm really not :cisfor:

 

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On 3/20/2021 at 2:48 PM, thumbass said:

Thanks for the kind words. The serious replies mean a lot. I'm going to try to he happy with what i had. I'm hanging out with my friends trying not to think about it right now

Not stealing your thunder - but I'm going through a very similar situation right now.  Been with this person really on and off since 08.  It's gotten to the point beyond being friends - and it sucks and hurts badly everyday.  I have to figure out how to move on from my feelings, every single day.  My brain is telling me to hang with friends as much as possible.  I'm scared of how resentful I'm potentially becoming...

Seriously, hang in there man - we will get through it and be better on the other side!

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3 hours ago, soma333 said:

Not stealing your thunder - but I'm going through a very similar situation right now.  Been with this person really on and off since 08.  It's gotten to the point beyond being friends - and it sucks and hurts badly everyday.  I have to figure out how to move on from my feelings, every single day.  My brain is telling me to hang with friends as much as possible.  I'm scared of how resentful I'm potentially becoming...

Seriously, hang in there man - we will get through it and be better on the other side!

Just gonna have to keep fighting mate🙏🏼

I am starting to let go of it a bit more but it's still unsure wether we will he able stay friends or not

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i'm confused. you guys are sad about girls and you're posting about it online instead of sitting in total darkness listening to vletrmx and refusing to cry? 

da fuk?

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Don't try to be friends with your ex. There are many, many, many other people you can be friends with instead. Move on. Less contact is best. Build your life so there's no room for them. Wanting to remain friends is your subconscious wanting to keep the door open - shut it instead. Be civil about it. Make it amicable. 

 

Also being "friends" with your ex is a great way to sabotage future relationships 

 

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1 hour ago, Stickfigger said:

Don't try to be friends with your ex. There are many, many, many other people you can be friends with instead. Move on. Less contact is best. Build your life so there's no room for them. Wanting to remain friends is your subconscious wanting to keep the door open - shut it instead. Be civil about it. Make it amicable. 

 

Also being "friends" with your ex is a great way to sabotage future relationships 

 

I don't really see it this way. Apart from everything she's a nice girl as friends. Ik don't feel love for her anymore so i don't mind staying in a light friendship. I do not intend to sabotage anything with it.

 

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The best thing about breaking up is making a whole lot of bad decisions and making your life worse while having a ton of fun—facilitated by a ton of drugs and alcohol. Plus loosing hope and not caring will do wonders with potential new romantic partners. Although it may not work for Love in the Time of COVID? Friendship is much better with new friends…that will sleep with you.

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