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FETTUCINE ALLA PRIMAVERA WITH ASPARAGUS AND SMOKED TROUT

 

serves two

 

INGREDIENTS

 

decent bunch of spring onions

5-6 asparagus spears (not just the tips)

couple of decent handfuls of frozen garden peas

half a pack of dry fettuccine/linguine

good few sprigs of fresh mint

good few sprigs of fresh basil

350g of smoked trout or mackerel

pint of milk

grated parmesan

salt and pepper to season

 

you'll need a hand blender.

 

INSTRUCTIONS

 

get a decent kettle of water on the boil.

 

meanwhile roughly chop the spring onions, asparagus, and half the mint and basil. discard the bottom inch or so of the asparagus spears, which is woody and tough. leave the asparagus tips intact.

 

get some oil on a medium heat in a decent pan with tall edges, and get the water into a pot and on the boil.

 

fry the spring onions, add the asparagus after a minute, and then the milk, peas and the chopped mint and basil about two minutes later. season liberally with salt/pepper.

 

now get the fettuccine cooking, it takes about 11 minutes. season the boiling water liberally with salt.

 

add about two tablespoons of flour to the veg/milk mix, then stir, reduce to a low heat and simmer. use the hand blender to blend about a third of the veg into the sauce. it'll start to thicken up nicely. after a few minutes, add the flaked fish.

 

when the pasta is done, strain it but save about half a cup of the starchy pasta water, and add that to the pan with the sauce. simmer for another minute or two. the starcy water will make it all silky and glossy and chef-y.

 

mix the pasta and the sauce in a big bowl and garnish with the parmesan and the remaining mint and basil.

Edited by kaini

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BEEF AND GUINNESS PIE

 

INGREDIENTS

 

500g diced steak

1 red onion, diced

1 white onion, diced

2-3 large field mushrooms, stems removed, diced

1 carrot, peeled and diced

3-4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

couple sprigs sage and a couple sprigs thyme, leaves stripped from the twigs - all finely chopped

1 egg white

500g puff pastry

1 500ml can guinness

few squirts of brown/steak sauce

flour

salt and pepper

butter

 

a circular pie tray, about 2-3cm deep

a pot and a colander

 

INSTRUCTIONS

 

FILLING

toss the diced steak in flour, salt, and pepper in the colander

heat up the pot with a few glugs of olive oil in it

add the onions, garlic, half the sage and thyme and fry for a minute or so

add the carrots and fry for another four minutes

add the guinness and just barely bring to the boil

add the mushrooms, a few squirts of brown/steak sauce, and two tablespoons of flour, and mix well

reduce to a reeeeallllly low simmer - the lowest you can go

leave to sit on the low heat, uncovered, for AT LEAST two hours, stirring every half hour. your kitchen will smell amazing. i like to simmer it for about four hours, topping up with a cup of water or beef stock every now and again if it's getting a bit TOO gloopy.

mix in the remaining sage and thyme.

 

PIE

preheat oven to gas 5

grease up the baking tray. real butter is essential.

dust a board with flour, then plonk the pastry on it and split it into 1/3 and 2/3s

flatten out the 2/3 part to about the thickness of a pound coin (say, 5mm thick for americans) and mould it into the pie tray, then trim off the excess leaving about 1cm hanging over the edges all round. add the trimmed-off bits to the 1/3 bit and roll it out again.

brush the rim of the pastry with egg white

pour in the filling.

flatten out the 1/3 bit to the same thickness and place it on top of the filling. fold the overhanging bits back onto the edges of the pie.

brush the lid of the pie with egg white

score the pie in a criss-cross fashion with a butter knife and get fancy with the thick bits on the edge if you so desire. pierce the lid with a fork a couple of times.

place it in the upper middle bit of the oven for 45 mins - 1 hour, or until it starts to get nice and golden.

 

serve it to your woman and then enjoy some sensual lovemaking because you are a culinary god.

Edited by kaini

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ooh yes. I think this thread needs to be pinned. I'll post some of my minimalistic dishes soon (aka Modey's Quick Meals). I've forgotten the more elaborate stuff I used to cook though. Two years of being single and only cooking for myself has made me not care for how elaborate my home-cooked meals are.

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Guest the anonymous forumite

if you're gonna cook aspargus, then it's extremely likely that your pee is gonna smell like an elephant fart, and if your pee smells like an elephant fart, it's even more likely that that women won't want to have sex with you. Unless you abstain from going to the toilet that the princess is going to use, it's likely that you will not be eating anything else other than pasta w/ aspargus on that night.

 

Aspargus is wrong.



2 user(s) are reading this topic

1 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users


 

My post is already making the news. :w00t:

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i had all my recipes stored on a wiki subpage of my homepage. then some cunt nominated it for deletion. then i managed to kill the external HDD it was on. so, if anyone has a copy of a huge text file with about fifty recipes in it that i posted in the last iteration of this thread, i'd love a copy.

 

i made a kickass fish pie the other night.

 

INGREDIENTS

 

150g salmon

150g cod

150g smoked haddock

150g king prawns, shelled and deveined

4-5 BIG potatoes

2 carrots

2 celery

2 onion

5 cloves garlic

650g cheddar cheese

1 chili

couple sprigs broad leaf parsley

lots of boiling water

salt and pepper to taste

flour

 

INSTRUCTIONS

get the water on the boil

add the spuds, chopped small

get a big mixing bowl

chop the cheese into 500g/150g

grate 500g cheese into the bowl

finely chop onion/carrot/celery/garlic/chili/two thirds of the parsley

mix into the bowl

season with salt and pepper

 

toss the fish in flour, salt, and pepper

mix into the bowl

season AGAIN with salt and pepper. you will ALWAYS need more than you think

 

mash the spuds with real butter, salt, and the remainder of the parsley finely chopped

 

pour the fish mix into the bowl. top with the mash. grate the remainder of the cheese on top.

 

bake for an hour.

Edited by kaini

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asparagus is fucking lush fuck you

get a slow cooker boom u sorted

chicken wrapped in bacon or watevs with shit on the inside

chicken w white wine sauce + tarragon omg

whateer the fuck else

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I might still have that kaini. I will look.

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Guest Aserinsky

Simple and nothing special, plus I'm a vegetarian so a lot of the recipes posted on here I can't follow up on. But nonetheless...

 

ASERINSKY'S VEGETARIAN FRAGRANT CURRY

Serves 1-2

 

Ingredients:

 

Half a standard bowl of Mixed Beans

2 Sweet Potatoes

Half a Carrot

1 Red Onion

2 Cloves Of Garlic

A Handful Of Petit Pois Peas

Half an Aubergine

Half a Cucumber

2 Salad Tomatoes

One Vegetable Stock Cube

A Handful Of Corriander

A tablespoon of curry paste

Half a cup of Coconut Milk

 

1. Soak the mixed beans for 8 - 12 hours in cold water. Once soaked, boil for 90 mins, rinse and drain.

2. Placed the sweet potato and carrot into a pan and cover with boiling water. The water should only just cover the vegetables as you should steam them rather than boil them. Add the vegetable stock cube and cook for 8 minutes.

3. Gently fry the onion, garlic, peas, aubergine and cucumber whilst adding the curry paste, until the vegetables begin to soften. Tip the sweet potato, carrot and vegetable stock into a pan along with the drained beans and gently simmer until most of the water evaporates. Whilst waiting for the water to evaporate, cook the rice.

4. Pour the coconut milk into the pan whilst adding the tomatoes and corriander. The sauce should begin to thicken, if not add more coconut milk.

5. Once the sauce thickens, mix together with the cooked rice and you've got a simple yet tasty dish!

 

If anyone has any vegetarian recipes please post them here, my cooking skills aren't exactly impressive but I love to cook and would love to venture into more exciting territories!

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Guest EleminoP

i had all my recipes stored on a wiki subpage of my homepage. then some cunt nominated it for deletion. then i managed to kill the external HDD it was on. so, if anyone has a copy of a huge text file with about fifty recipes in it that i posted in the last iteration of this thread, i'd love a copy.

Damn man. I thought I did have your stuff saved, but it turns out I only have lion's salsa saved.

 

 

QUOTE (lion @ Dec 14 2008, 04:51 AM) *

since i am a gourmand i demand the best. in the quest of finding the best foods tonight i decided to make myself "the worlds best salsa"

 

this is a recipe i devised last moment, i was making an indian influenced braised lamb dish when i discovered i had the ingredients to make salsa, as well as chips. three bags of chips, and a 12 pack of diet coke.

 

ingredients:

 

eight or so organic plum tomatoes on the vine

two organic jalapenos (u can substitute different peppers depending how spicy u want, two good organically grown jalapenos made it a spice that was good balance)

1 medium anaheim chili

half a red onion

two small limes or a lime and 1/2

two cloves garlic

one clove shallot

half a bushel or whatever the fuck that is of cilantro

a tbsp or two of toasted sesame oil

tbsp of good sea or kosher salt

tsp of sugar

 

Technique:

 

Tomatoes

*start water boiling in a sauce pot. as the water heats up throw the vines of the tomatoes into the pot (the tomato aroma comes from the vine. smell it and u will be amazed) let it come to a nice rolling bowl.

*as it boils prepare a bowl of ice water

*pour a diet coke in a glass with extra ice

*once boiling put tomatoes in it for about 3 minutes or so. take out tomatoes and put in ice bath

*take out of ice bath and peel skins off of tomato. cut in half and scoop out all seeds and goop and shit in tomato into a bowl. reserve this liquid

*pulse tomatoes without skins/seeds/juice in a small food processor until it forms a nice paste. set aside

 

Peppers, Garlic, Shallots

*Drain water out of sauce pot, dry it, and use that or use a saute pan if u want

*coat bottom of pan with toasted sesame oil. u want to use toasted sesame because it adds a nice savory toasted flavor to the salsa. do not use too much oil u just want enough to coat the bottom of the pan

*cut off tops of peppers, cut peppers in half, remove seeds/inner membrane. lay skins out on pan so they cook evenly on both sides

*rough dice shallot if u have a food processor, if not fine dice it

*same with garlic

*pour 2nd diet coke and shadow box in the kitchen

*once peppers are about halfway done being nicely toasted but not burnt, add garlic and shallot to pan

*saute until fragrant but not brown

*finish peppers, garlic, and shallot in food processor until chunky but not paste, or just fine dice the peppers

*add to tomatoes

 

Finish It

*small dice half the onion, add to tomatoes

*chop cilantro to how u desire, add to bowl

*finish diet coke and clutch your stomach

*squeeze limes into bowl

*finish with sugar and salt

*add tomato liquor to bowl if u want to adjust moisture. its good tomato flavor. (a good joke to play on your cat is to sip the bowl and scream "AHH!! IM DRUNK!" and then explain the how the stuff in the bowl is called liquor, so they dont think u are a light weight)

*mix it well let the flavors blend. let it rest

 

Eat The Salsa

Enjoy it

 

____End Of Recipe____

 

who here thinks they have a salsa recipe that can beat mine? that's just stupid. lets see what you have. i give this salsa to ppl and they freak out. this is a wonderful salsa because it has nice balance of flavors. there is a delicious savory note added to the dish from the toasting of the peppers, garlic, and shallot, and from the flavored oil. the sweetness from the sugar? fantastic. *throws a quick kick at the fridge door and closes it* the limes add good tartness... a sour note. make my recipe and tell me what u think.

 

thanks for reading

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Guest RadarJammer

1 medium size banana

1 cup corn flakes

1 cup almond milk

BLEND for 1 minute

 

drink it, yum

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Lq9nEW1.gif

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This is something I've been cooking recently, in an attempt to reduce my spending on food (and survive without eating too much meat). It's super bare but tasty as FUCK; and can be re-purposed to a pretty awesome pasta/rice dish.

 

MODEY'S SUPER CHEAP RIDICULOUS BEAN BURRITO MIX

serves 1

ingredients:

1/4 can four bean mix

1/4 can corn kernels

1/4 can lentils

various spices. I use cumin, thyme, paprika and a tiny bit of cinnamon to taste.

approx. 1tsp sriracha OR decent sized fresh chilli, cut to your preference (I like to enforce perfect 2mm cubes of a crisp serrano pepper, or even one of those sweet-ish baby bell peppers)

1/3 to 1/2 an onion (red onion is nice for this)

1x garlic clove

1 tbsp pesto (I use an awesome chilli pesto, it's fucking great) and/or 1/4 can crushed tomatoes

cheddar cheese, grated (optional)

tortillas/rice/pasta as media for mixture (it's a bit intense on its own)

 

.: Fry the fuck out of the onion/garlic in about 1tbsp of olive oil, adding corn just before the onion is done. If you have fresh chilli, add it with the corn.

.: Add beans and lentils, let them heat up a little then mix in the pesto/tomatoes. If you're using sriracha, give it a squirt at this point.

.: Add a shake of paprika, cumin, and thyme to taste (maybe even a tiny bit of salt if you're that way inclined; I rarely need it though), and a little sprinkle of cinnamon. The cinnamon adds an interesting sweetness to it. I fucking love it!

.: If it's getting too dry, just add a tiny bit of water or some kind of stock (I like that vegan 'chicken' stock!).

.: At this point you're pretty much done. Extract contents to a bowl and mix with a small amount of grated cheese (optional; I like it like this because I can just chuck it into a container for lunch at work the next day). Combine with salad and tortillas (or serve with rice/pasta) and there you go!

 

 

edit: more to come soon. Pretty much all of my recipes are fry-ups/stir-fry dishes; probably not the healthiest thing in the universe but hey whatever. Actually I have a nice crunchy cube salad recipe that I might post later.

Edited by modey

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that salsa sounds amazing

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that salsa sounds amazing

 

quoted for some motherfucking disgusting-with-salsa truth.

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that salsa sounds amazing

quoted for some motherfucking disgusting-with-salsa truth.

 

 

double quoted. shit makes me wanna feel up my sparring partner.

 

keep em coming folks.

if you're gonna cook aspargus, then it's extremely likely that your pee is gonna smell like an elephant fart, and if your pee smells like an elephant fart, it's even more likely that that women won't want to have sex with you. Unless you abstain from going to the toilet that the princess is going to use, it's likely that you will not be eating anything else other than pasta w/ aspargus on that night.

 

Aspargus is wrong.

i have experimental evidence that this is untrue. what are you doing to the poor girl anyway, pissing on her?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBoYu7nnym4

Edited by kaini

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SRIRACHA CHICKEN SOUP

 

INGREDIENTS

 

4 cups water

2 cubes of chicken stock dissolved in 1 cup hot water/1 cup proper chicken stock if you're not lazy

1 cup passata (sieved tomato)

5 tablespoons sriracha or more, go fucking nuts

1 onion, chopped

2 tablespoons olive oil

2-3 chicken breasts, diced

5 cloves of garlic, minced

1 cup grated potato

1 cup frozen mixed vegetables

1/4 teaspoon cumin

1 can diced tomatoes

1/2 cup small shell pasta

salt and black pepper

 

DIRECTIONS

 

heat oil in a soup pot on medium-high heat.

add onions, salt, cumin, sriracha, and garlic and saute until onions are soft.

add chicken and saute for a few minutes until the chicken starts to cook.

add water, chicken stock, passata, grated potato, frozen mixed vegetables, and the can of tomatoes

stir well and bring to a boil.

reduce heat and let simmer for 10 minutes.

bring back up to a boil and add dry pasta, and then boil until pasta is tender

add more salt and pepper to taste.

Edited by kaini

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authentic ganus™ black bean burgers

 

1 can black beans

1 egg

1/2 tsp salt

excessive amounts of black pepper

red pepper flakes (variable depending upon how spicy you want it to be)

3/4 tsp rosemary

1/2 tsp thyme

1/4 tsp oregano

dash of cumin

lots of garlic and/or garlic powder/granules

1 tsp olive oil

the juice of half a lime (or small lemon)

panko breadcrumbs

whole wheat flour

 

Drain beans, mash or blend about half of the can until reaching a fine consistency, coarsely mash the other half (should be recognizable bits of bean left.) Add egg, stir until completely mixed. add seasonings, olive oil, and lime or lemon juice, and stir well. add a few handfuls of panko, and a small handful of flour, mix, and add more of each until a moderately thick consistency is reached. if you can mold it and have it keep it's shape, you have gone too far, it should still be almost batter-like.

 

Put enough oil in your pan to coat the bottom, and heat until water evaporates instantly when it hits the oil. Use a ladle to pour the black bean batter into the pan, making standard burger-width patties. If the batter spreads too much or is too thin, wait til it cooks enough that bubbles come through the top of the patty, and then pour more batter on top to make a thicker patty.

cook until it is dark golden brown on both sides, melt cheese on top.

 

serve with bun, lettuce, tomato and either:

Goop:

1 cup mayo

1 1/2 tsp yellow mustard

dash of pickle juice

one finely chopped medium sized pickle

 

or

 

cilantro lime mayo:

1 cup mayo

healthy squeeze of lime juice (+ more to taste)

lots of finely chopped cilantro

 

both are excellent with fries, as well.

also, I recommend making a double (or bigger) batch of the black bean burger batter, as it makes a very quick, convenient meal once you have the batter already made.

this is what I live off of when I have no money (except it usually doesnt have lettuce or tomato lol)

Edited by ganus

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I'm overall kind of a half-asked cook so I haven't much to add to this thread but I will say...

 

Root Beer or Dr. Pepper makes an excellent marinade for ribs, pour about 20-32oz in a gallon ziploc bag with a full rack cut up to fit (I'd also place the bag in a pan as the bag may leak). store it in a fridge and flip it every few hours, or let it sit overnight and flip it and let sit a few more hours on the opposite side next morning to let it get all soaked through. Then slow cook 'em or grill and and your fav BBQ and you got some awesome ribs. Works for steaks too.

 

edit: damn I need to try making that salsa

Edited by ghOsty

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I'm overall kind of a half-asked cook so I haven't much to add to this thread but I will say...

 

Root Beer or Dr. Pepper makes an excellent marinade for ribs, pour about 20-32oz in a gallon ziploc bag with a full rack cut up to fit (I'd also place the bag in a pan as the bag may leak). store it in a fridge and flip it every few hours, or let it sit overnight and flip it and let sit a few more hours on the opposite side next morning to let it get all soaked through. Then slow cook 'em or grill and and your fav BBQ and you got some awesome ribs. Works for steaks too.

 

edit: damn I need to try making that salsa

dr pepper also makes an excellent pseudo-chinese general tso-esque sticky sauce for chicken.

cut breasts of chicken into chunks, toss in cornflour and then sesame seeds, fry with green peppers, roughly chopped garlic, and shallots until the chicken is crispy, add a can of dr pepper and some pineapple chunks, and simmer until reduced to a super sticky consistency. serve over rice. bish bosch, job done.

Edited by kaini

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Goop:

1 cup mayo

1 1/2 tsp yellow mustard

dash of pickle juice

one finely chopped medium sized pickle

your goop is almost exactly mcdonalds' special sauce. just add half a cup of ketchup.

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Modey's Crunchy Cube Salad

 

Just like it says, a crunchy cube salad! Again, simple as fuck and you can pretty much put any kind of crunchy vegetables into it. But here's what I usually use:

1x med. sized yellow capsicum

2–3x baby cucumbers

3–4x spring onions OR half a red onion

1x pear or apple

1x stick of celery

half a stick of that yellow pickled radish stuff that can possibly be found at asian food stores (don't worry if you can't find it though; it's tasty but not necessary)

1x decent, spicy chilli (again, love those serrano peppers or sweet baby bell peppers)

1/4 can (or less) corn kernels

kecap manis (the sticky, sweet kind)

balsamic vinegar

coriander could be good too!

 

CHOP ingredients into strict 10mm segments. If you're using an actual onion, I guess you could go smaller but for everything else you'll need to be fucking crazy OCD about it, trust me; it'll look AWESOME in the end.

MIX the fuck out of everything in a bowl. It's actually good enough to eat like this, but I like to..

ADD a little kecap manis and balsamic vinegar for good measure. I also like to occasionally add some kind of sweet chilli sauce (not the seeded kind though) or vietnamese spring roll dipping sauce if I'm feeling extra trashy. This salad also goes well with some crunchy noodles, just to add that extra amound of crunch. Goes well with tuna too.

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for those of us who do not live in the magical land of oz, a capsicum is also known as a bell pepper. regarding that yellow pickled radish stuff that can possibly be found at asian food stores, you're on your own. it sorta sounds like a kimchi type thing, but fuck knowns(1).

Edited by kaini

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It's this stuff:

 

ing_pickled_radish.jpg

 

IMG_3090.jpg

 

It's quite tasty, very crunchy and yeah, you'll most likely find it in Korean/Chinese supermarkets.

 

The salad looks good, will give it a go.

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Haha, yeah I thought the language differences would be noticeable with recipes. Eh, you know what I mean!

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