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By Lada Laika
Apparently AF wasn't planning on announcing it yet but Mike P dropped the news in his new podcast for XLR8R: https://www.xlr8r.com/podcasts/2018/03/podcast-533-mu-ziq/
we start out in some kind of next-dimensional waiting room with a jumble of objects existing in a state of flux. It’s kind of a paradoxical thing, like chaotic equilibrium. there are platonic solids bouncing into globs on non-newtonian fluids, arcs of plasma jetting about, old People magazines, etc. it is here that the the first ones, the ineffable, antediluvian Great Dyad of rob and sean call their home, their unspoken machinations manifesting as great ripples and rumbles through the medium, lush pads and sick beats, the 2 elements from which all other things spring forth. the aloof, stoned gaze of rob and the piercing chav stare of sean settle on a single planet orbiting rogue paralel suns, somewhere in the intergalactic medium. this is planet known as Planet Gonk.
on exoplanet gonk 3a5 129308 there is a club 500 kilometers under the sea.
we descend through the hazy atmosphere and the greenish world-ocean is revealed, we descend further, under the waves, to Club Splesh.
shit is poppin off here.
Mature Audiences Only.
Agent Cooper is on the scene
“Diane, I’ve just arrived at an establishment of ill-repute—
there is a robot with a big like jangly metal dick on stage just getting slapped all over the place.
like some giant mech with a big fuckin weird silicon robot dick just floppin it around.
like slapping it in a concrete hall, like some crazy flep the dolphin shit happening in the club.
in the underwater club.”
the scene is mental. Wiley is DJing, Flowdan is MCing. just absolute mayhem
people are doing poppers and touching jellyfishes and stuff.
a squid makes out with a Dyson space heater.
Flep the dolphin does tricks (like flips and shit but also sexual?) for the robot man.
a calculator finishes suckin him off.
the robot man cums.
okay so now we're listening to the soundtrack to "GANG FIGHT 2999", setting: ‘Techre City
it’s like a gigantic icosahedron of a city, all floating above the ocean and shit
all black pipes and dirty streets branching out everywhere like fucking crazy
the Casual's are encroaching on the Gonk Boy's turf
Gonk Boys pullin up
using pirated cyberweapons
the casuals outnumber gonks, but the gonks are bigger
The Gonks have protective fur coats with +2 charm boost
the Casuals employ fierce hi frequency sonic weapon emitters
the Gonk Boys have powerful backpack woofer blasters
the Casuals, in their numbers and ferocity are overwhelming the Gonks
but the Gonks won't go down without a fight
so the gang war has been raging on
OH shit! RIP gonks, you think.
but the Gonk Boys are still hanging in actually
you thought they died
but in one insane sub bass attack they fuckin WIPED out the casuals
they unleashed their secret weapon:
GATED REVERB GUN
cut: we are now 33 years in the future
The Gonks and the Casuals unified into one cartel and took over 'Techre city
not long ago this planet was ruled by dolphins and mechs
Now there is a filthy cabal of genocidal gangsters in control of the polyhedron
watch them float over the global ocean, sending down plasma arcs to terrorize the unsuspecting denizens
Unleashing vaporized high potency psychedelics and dissociative drugs into the atmosphere
the populace is at their will
Chairman Elyc9 is a miser. He rose through machiavellian tactics.
He now punishes the world that spurned him as a child
Uniting the violent underground through mutually beneficial heists and takedowns he quickly was able move up in 'Techre's parliament
Spread the message: the dolphins and mechs are not our friends
We must cleanse the global ocean of their idiocy
Deep down in the ocean
Corporal Flep is dreaming up a strategy
The resistance has been hit hard
But Flep wishes for the days of dancing and having casual sex with robots on the ocean floor to return
In an old half dome ruin on the ocean floor, covered in coral and kelp, the bladelores project is being conceived
the dolphins on one side, the mechs on the other.
they are sharing ideas through bubble ring glyphs
how can they restore peace to this shattered world?
schematics made of seaweed and stabilized bubbles are created
to unify their thoughts they move to the inner sanctum
and begin a ritual of blowing bubbles and subtly sending electrical currents through the water
slowly an old god
starts to rise from the sand at the oceans floor
it is a god made of shimmering, rippling mercury
at times random pillars seem to form as appendages and then collapse back into the rising columnal giant
the monks of the eastre order hit their bells
the dolphins and mechs vibrate in ecstasy as the VeKos, the avatar of eastre, arises.
in the laboratory of Turbile Robotics manufacturing ramps up with new speed
Everything must be stress tested
no piece of squishyware can go un poked
every bioluminescent tendril must writhe
all cubes must be stomped upon
that's what makes a Turbile a Turbile™
The workers dine on shimripls (a type of very gay shrimp)
Turbile robotics employees can expect a minimum of 17 shimripls a day
they are paid in shimripls, which is a privilege in a world where if you don't gonk hard enough you'll basically just get killed
Oh lord what is this? someone just introduced a trojan into Turbile manufacturing's mainframe
the technician inspects the terminal
machinery is being repurposed
something is being built
the plant is creating strange, incomprehensible objects
it used to make cubes
now the virus has taken control and the organic synthesis machines are making unsound hybrids of silicon and flesh
and all of these creations fall down into the the unfathomably deep cistern of rejects, the glos ceramic
a cylindrical hole bored deep into the planet, so large it has developed its own ecosystem in the darkness and filth
the heaps of AI chips form autonomously organizing beings made of trash and rotting flesh and wires
these new beings know nothing other than that the great shute in the sky gives them garbage, their lifeblood
so they raise up their appendages in praise
revel in the garbage, make love in the garbage, do their taxes in the garbage
back in 'techre city Bill Evans plays the piano
at a slimey gonk establishment
Thom Yorke gets on stage
by now he has become a kind of hairy skeleton
he makes high pitched wails into a canister, on all fours
he has learned the art of bone origami
and he is folding himself up into an ever smaller thing
eventually he is so small he is not visible, which is part of the art of it, you see
yet he still is able to wail
Bill Evans dies of many years of cocaine use
The aftermath of a mass culling of technicians suspected as double agents for the Dolphin-Mech Alliance
Chairman Elyc6 has dealt with the turbile problem, or at least he thinks he did
so we looked at the data
The truth is, Chairman Elyc9 doesn't really care about purging the planet of dolphins and mechs.
the war was a ruse
he baited the enemy into summoning eastre,
the primeval power at the center of the planet, he wishes to harness its powere
planet gonk was once at peace
long ago, the dolphins were sucking robot penis and all was well
but desperate times call for desperate measures
the garbage hybrids congeal into a chain tall enough to reach the ceiling of the great cystern
as the liquid god of eastre penetrates the corroded, leaking bottom of the cystern
an unholy union is formed
The Gonk Casuals must be stopped.
we now shift deep under the garbage, into the dark saline sea that lines the deepest trenches under the global ocean
this is the primordial soup from whence it all came
in a place darker than vantablack, conscious ions flicker with intent
before the gonks, before the dolphins, before the casuals and mechs, there was only this place
a place of stillness punctuated by rippling chains of actions that had no beginning and no end
the creatures of planet gonk arose from this place
and it is this place that will bring the planet back to equilibrium
the Great Dyad regards the goings on with detached amusement.
Sean: M8 this shit is mental. Did you see Thom Yorke do that? fuck me that’s brilliant.
Rob: Check out that Dolphin down there, he’s got a laser gun.
Sean: (tokes spliff) fookin incredible aye
Rob: aye there’s like some kinda war or battle going on innit
Sean: lush, hey check out this new patch i’ve been working on
in a twist of events, the Dolphin-Mechs lose control of the Avatar of Eastre, VeKos, and it takes control of the garbageFleshKin, unifying them into a writhing tentacle of wires and organs emerging from the core of Planet Gonk to strike ‘Techre city from the sky. the icosahedron shatters into a trillion shimmering shards and the city falls into the churning world-ocean.
the casualties of the great conflict are immense
calculators go instinct. Corporal Flep is valiantly killed in the line of duty when he impales Chairman Elyc6 with his snout (he duct-taped a knife to it). RIP.
the Gonk Boys and the Casuals are forgotten. the ocean swallows up all things. there is only wreckage, and the mindless, waving tentacles of eastre protruding from the sea like living monoliths. Who knows what lies in the future for this ruined planet? but for now, all end.
And thus concludes the story of Planet Gonk…
OR DOES IT?