Post your favourite jokes!!!

[MadameChaos]

OK here's mine:

 

I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog in a cage.

 

 

It was a shih tzu.

 

[hello spiral]

Did you ever hear about the magic tractor?

 

 

It was driving down the road, then turned into a field.

 

 

[Guest Gravity]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

Mind your own fucking business. Privacy still exists, you know.

 

[triachus]

[hello spiral]

^

[ravedamage]

What's the best thing about sex?

When the knife goes in and the screaming stops

 

 

[spratters]

My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"

I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."

He said, "So what happened?"

I said, "Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fucking Mother."

 

 

 

 

"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline.. What's the problem mate?"

"Hi Guys, I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up"

"Bummer Mate..."

"Thanks Guys, that's what I thought too. Bye..."

Edited June 27, 2013 by spratters

[beerwolf]

Geoff dies and finds himself slowly descending to Hell

 

On arrival at The Gates of Hell, he's met by the Chief of Devils Himself, Lord Satan

Satan looks at him and says "Hey Geoff why the long face? Why so upset?"

Geoff shaking and quivering in fear explains patheticly and grovingly that he is obviously terrified out of his wits, Satan gives him a matey, mild punch in the chest and tells him not to worry, Lord Satan starts to put Geoffs mind at ease

"Tell me Geoff, are you a drinking man?"

Geoff whimpers a "Yes Mister Satan" at which point Lucifer says " Well Monday is drinking day, all day we drink whiskey, beer, gin, vodka. Whatever you like Geoff because we drink as much as we like and you can drink until the point of death, but because your dead, it don't matter!!!" Geoff perks up a bit.

"Tell me Geoff are you a smoking man?"

Geoff says he is and Lord Satan explains that Tuesday is Smoking Day. The finest cigars, the biggest crack pipe, the biggest bongs!! All is on offer and once again explains to our man Geoff he can smoke as much as he likes because he's dead? It don't fucking matter!! Hahah

"Tell me Geoff are you a gambling man?" Geoff stands up straight, no longer whimpering and says he is much to everyones delight. "Well Geoff you guess it mate, Wednesday is gambling day, gamble all day long, loose all your money, it don't matter because your dead."

Thursday? Well thurdsay is drug day and Satan tells Geoff that he can pop E's all day, snort cocaine, jack up on Heroin as much as he likes. Because he's dead, no overdose gonna happen. Happy Days!!

Satan looks at Geoff with a big grin, Geoff grins at Mate Satan. Old Nick says to him "Tell me Geoff are you a backdoor bandit, an anal assasin?" "a cock gobbler" Geoff beats his chest hard and retorts "Hell No Satan!!, I aint no Harry Hoofter!! I never take it up the arse!!"

Satan gives Geoff a big wink and says "You're gonna hate Fridays then mate"

[Guest A/D]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

 

hlaghlhagl

 

alternate ending: gaarg gaarg gaarg

 

 

 

 

[YEK]

2 peanuts were walking down the road

1 was a-salted

[Root5]

Knock knock. Who's there? George Zimmerman. George Zimmerman who? Alright good; you're on the jury.

[gaarg]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

 

hlaghlhagl

 

alternate ending: gaarg gaarg gaarg

 

 

 

 

lol

[Guest disparaissant]

Guy walks into bar and says ouch

[Guest isaki]

2 peanuts were walking down the road

1 was a-salted

nice

[hoggy]

 

[EdamAnchorman]

This shirt is "dry-clean only", which means... it's dirty.

-Mitch Hedberg

[Freak of the week]

[iococoi]

[user]

The sea-urchin reigns over which hospital department?

 

Urgent care. 

[ambermonk]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Spoiler

dung