Yeah wtf where's my analogue finger snaps
You wrote that as a joke, and then you realized that I was dead serious, after you also agreed with what you wrote. That is the power of imagination! You wrote a one-line joke on an internet music forum, and your post already has a feature that doesn't exist on any analog drum machine, ever.
These motherfuckers are using hundreds of years worth of reverse-engineered grey alien technology to produce the same sounds over and over and over. I bet when you open up modern analog drum machines, if you look really closely, you'll just see another tiny analog drum machine inside that's been shrunk with alien technology. These people keep selling us the same damn drum machine year after year, and we never revolt with millions of us on months long hunger strikes, cuz we all gotta eat to make music. That's pretty lame.
As Atari Teenage Riot used to yell: "Riot sounds produce riots!" This is true.
So what do analog drum machine sounds produce? -ANALOG DRUM MACHINES!!!
What the fuck motherfucker- this is simple physics. Every time any one of us buys an analog drum machine, several of the same drum machine will be birthed under a different brand and seemingly different flavor. You all know about The Singularity? The merging of AI and human consciousness into one massive ultra system-- but fuck that- the whole universe is just going to use every single atom to build analog drum machines, over and over and over. And even after there is no energy left in all of existence, Behringer will still come out with an analog drum machine, cuz they don't give a fuck about quality control.
All right- Gocab noted the need for finger snaps, so we got that. What else, what else...
ANALOG DRUM MACHINE SONIC NECESSITY LIST
-foot stomps (It's like Queen busted out the foot stomp with We Will Rock You, dropped the mic, and nobody ever heard that shit originally, since)
-that jackoff sound you make with your cheek
-every beatbox sound
-that clock sound you make with your tongue
-kung fu striking sounds
-explosions (from pistols to nuclear)
....Fuck, that list took me a few minutes, and it already conceptually dominates the whole analog drum machine industry. This is fucked up, dudes. I'm serving these motherfuckers so hard, and I don't even have to open up a restaurant. Please, somebody e-mail this to all pertinent companies. They are 92% people who never even use their own equipment, because if they did, they would do their own demos, personally (good ones). Like if you made the most badass analog drum machine of all time, wouldn't you demo that beast yourself? OF COURSE!!!!! These people keep using mostly mediocre-talent presentation assholes who don't care about the community, which is why they accept money to perpetuate mediocrity in the first place. And even within that mediocrity it's like overall 70% technical explanation, 30% music. That seems as if it would make sense, but who the fuck cares? Seriously. Really--- think about it. If you can show me an amazing performance with your machine, show me. Don't tell me how I can potentially do it. If you can't show me, then you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Doctor talking about health who looks like shit- don't know what they're talking about. Ugly woman talking about beauty- don't know what they're talking about. And these motherfucking analog drum machine makers who think features in text are actually features in sound- what the fuck, man. C'mon, man. We're not perpetually 12. "Oh, yeah- the transmogrification of the quadrilateral fornication- yeah, yeah-- that's a strawberry." How about you taste it?! EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?!?!?!?!?!
Stop telling me how good you are--- fucking show me. Fucking, ***SHOW ME***
This is ridiculous. I'm so fired up right now, the Sun feels like a ball of ice. I'm out.