(This piece was for the "my favourite ten records" section in Dazed and Confused. Only half of the article was printed.)
"Under the weather report” by Chilli Zawinul
Chilli Zawinul were a talented beat combo of the early 80's, principally known for their seminal smash "blood sugar sex birdshit". However, it is little known that in between composing such easily digestible rich tea biscuits, they dabbled in esoteric activities such as trying to repair founder member Josef Edge's damaged sideburns by gobbling up voluminous quantities of red hot wire wool. In the wake of the depression caused by the disastrous consequences of this experiment, Josef Edge composed this minor masterpiece, his final baffled attempt to come to terms with his obsession with UK weatherman, Michael Fish.
"Death disco for rent” by Dildo Rotten
Many people have complained about Dildo Rotten being too controversial. Other people have complained that she is not controversial enough. Others have complained that the amount of controversy generated is not commensurate with the inherent controversiality of Dildo Rotten. Still others have complained that the controversy generated by Dildo Rotten is a smokescreen for real controversy generated by genuinely controversial types such as Sid Nasty. Of course a personality such as Dildo Rotten finds it hard not to generate controversy - I simply say "Death disco for rent” and dance about like a chicken on fire.
"The Style council" by Chris Rear
Despite what his self-imposed pseudonym might suggest, Chris Rear is far from anal. In fact Chris Rear is what we might call an "oral" personality. As well as the immense payload of rubbish that constitutes his "vocals", Chris Rear has been known to produce prodigious quantities of anything from bird baths to full size replicas of Nelsons Column via his mouth. This record commemorates the time when Chris Rear started producing hundreds of titanium alloy 1/72 scale models of the "The Style Council". The poignant climax, when Chris Rear can no longer tolerate the abrasive effect of Paul Weller’s "skinhead" on his epiglottis and in tears of frustration tries to bite his scalp off, is "Rear-ly Good"!
"Temptation in the family" by Level Heaven 17:42
Level Heaven 17:42 established themselves with the underground hit, “Gay in China" in the fourteenth century. While much of England and Europe was in the grip of the Black Death, Level Heaven 17:42 were safely composing in a high security mud hut hovering approximately fifty furlongs above the feudal court of Ethelred the bubonic. Their ability to affect these seemingly impossible gravity-defying feats earned them the reputation of fearsome magicians, to which the alchemy of their song-writing is a lasting testament. This particular song is an epic meditation on the thrills and spills of incest. It ends with timeless words of advice: "Ye fpunketh upon thy fifter at ye peril"
"The dark side of public Floyd" by Pink Enemy
In the '60's, there was much talk of a soldier gone AWOL named Private Floyd. Rumour had it that this soldier learned how to grow marijuana in his armpits, distil LSD in his bladder and harvest opium in his nostrils. This resulted in a state of intoxication so intense that individual parts of his body would suddenly detach and launch themselves into orbit around the sun. One night Pink Enemy, avid astronomers that they are, noticed a new binary system consisting of two kneecaps orbiting what appeared to be an imploded human brain. Having divined that these were indeed the mortal remnants of legendary private Floyd, they wittily decided to name the system "public Floyd", and in tribute composed this touching elegy.
"Moby intrusion" by Richie Hawtin
Richie Hawtin named this track after a potentially life-threatening episode which he recalls in his auto-biography, "the Celestine prophecy" ...."It was a late session one night, when I heard a dull, but very intense screaming sound. I looked up from the copy of "Music Technology" that I was masturbating onto, and saw, faintly at first, the outline of Moby's contorted face appearing on the studio wall! I had heard about this guy, lately he had been publicly arrested for trying to push a Mississippi steam boat up his arse - now he was obviously trying to escape from jail using an illegal anus dimension5>8 transporter. All of a sudden, Moby fell stumbling wildly into the room, and after a fit of rage exploded, showering the room in cheap air fresheners!”
"Sing when you're being run over by a mescherschmitt bubble car" by Sly and the family Throbbie
Like all little brothers, the family Throbbie was often teased by his elder siblings. This took a rather more sinister turn when one day, Sly decided to set his brother in the tarmac surface of the replica Silverstone Grand Prix track he had just built in his studio control room. As Sly's nuclear powered bubble car roared over the family Throbbie's head at mach18, his keen musical ear noticed that the family Throbbie had just emitted the highest note ever sung by a human being. The family Throbbie was subsequently shown to be capable of producing the wildest array of superhuman singing tones, when run over by various vehicles. Particularly of note was the time when Sly and a group of friends drove a convoy of juggernauts over his head for 4 days continuously. This is where the now famous technique of "Throbdulation" comes from.
"What's the modern story, life is rubbish glory (morning!)" by Professor Noel Allbran
The embittered stance of Professor Noel Allbran is exemplified by this work on the "look no hands!" label. Noel: "I think it is high time that musicians with no hands should be given a fair crack at the whip - all of these instruments that require hands to play them are tantamount to a worldwide insult to legitimately no-handed people." Fortunately, Professor Noel Allbran is on hand to demonstrate that hands are not only unnecessary, they are actually a handicap to the genuinely creative artist. Coupled with such profundities as "world, she ought hands t'expel, but only finger'd time s'll tell....", Professor Noel Allbran treats us to a prodigious display of ingenuity such as playing a banjo by swallowing it, then manipulating pitch and tonal colour by moving the instrument in various directions around his lower intestine.
"Rebel without a dustbin" by Madonna
Everybody loves Madonna. Or at least that's the way she would have it. At the inception of her career as an important member of ecclesiastical mythology in the first Millenium, she was reputed to have written to the pope asking him to proclaim a decree requiring that everybody in the world should love her, else they be put to death by being detonated by a 100ft wide bass bin playing "like a borderline virgin on holiday". The pope promptly refused, ostensibly on grounds of expense. She was so angry that her breath incinerated herself, yet it is known that her ghost stalks the ages, endlessly wanting to be loved. As in life, ever possessed of a lyrical imagination, in death she produced (in collaboration with other dead person James Dean) this charming ode to her favourite dustbin which went missing 2000 years ago.
"20-something schizoid man" by The Jamie Sabbath Principle
This landmark recording is the first instance of a piece of music being recorded by an idea, with no human intervention whatsoever. In the 1967 Jamie Sabbath completed his doctoral thesis on the luminescent properties of OAPs when given radioactive sweets. Of such repute was his work that the ideas embodied within were referred to as "The Jamie Sabbath Principle". Proud of his work and about to take a well-deserved rest, his ears pricked up when he heard an ethereally beautiful sound emanating from the neighbouring sound studio. He peeked round the corner and saw the pages of his thesis quietly singing into a microphone, whilst recording equipment was operated by his book of preparatory notes. On seeing such a bizarre sight, the author of said pages instantly went insane. This recording is a touching tribute to their author.