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Zephyr_Nova

Online Dating Horror Stories

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6 hours ago, Stickfigger said:

Ever since then i have tried to be less charming, charismatic and sexy.

Was it April of 2008?

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Posted (edited)
On 1/3/2020 at 6:46 PM, xxx said:

I can't help but chuckle at the thought that converging algorithms are telling me "ay buddy--tough luck so far huh. Have you considered other markets?"

 

"A mouth's a mouth" et cetera

Edited by BoomTssPhace
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On 1/5/2020 at 7:15 PM, Stickfigger said:

It is a weird feeling to have when the person who has been the most 'into you' is that way because of a mental disorder.

The person who was most into me was a girl I was also into but she also had a boyfriend so I stopped talking to her, then I heard they broke up so I tried to get back in touch and never heard back.  These things are too wacky for me to understand.

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So, I'm a 99% match with one woman on okcupid (out of 150 questions).  Highest match percentage I've ever seen, and -get this- her first pic is of herself posing in front of a stack of modular synths.  I would not have thought compatibility on a pile of moral/political/personal preferences would translate into... mutual IDMness.  But apparently it does!  Unfortunately she's also one of those women modey is so fond of ("you must be taller than me - VERY important").  That and she lives more than a ferry ride away.  I sent her an intro message anyway, in the hopes that some form of long-distance friendship may thrive.

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Sure she’ll fall for the mutual respeck malarkey 

“respecting this vagina to the fkn max, fnnnnnnnn fnnnnnnnnnn, wore a cock glove n everything”

don’t envy you, it’s a bit like being pen pals, initially, until the fuckability factor rears its one eyed head, then yer both damned either way. One of the (few) advantages of being an old cunt is avoiding these weird algorithms that decide which humans you might click with in person. Blue Velvet’s “Pussy Heaven” got nothing on the new.

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Unfortunately, my date with the alto wasn't a horror story so I don't have much relevant to say about it.  There's about a 50 year age gap between the two of us, but I don't think it'll get in the way much.  The sax came home with me and we're now committed to living together for as long as we can.  Online dating is pretty neat.

I realize there were many unclean jokes that could be made about this gag but I'm going to pretend I don't know that and I hope you fellers will, too.

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Well, the joke could have been worse, so I'll give you credit for that.

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Did you know that historically Christianity regards sex as unclean partly because of the syphilis epidemic?

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Christianity doesn't regard sex as unclean.

It regards sex as holy.

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On 1/7/2020 at 9:15 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

her first pic is of herself posing in front of a stack of modular synths

Be careful.

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?

wendy-carlos-composer-bw-1979-billboard-

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Ahaha not too far off.  Her photo was indeed black and white.  Possibly it was a pic of one of her heros?  Looked similar to the woman in her other photos though.  I just went back to check, and it would appear she's deleted her profile.  Guess I scared her off with my "nice modulars" come on approach.  Now she'll never do the online dating thing again.  /life ruined.

She's absolutely lurking in this thread.  Probably kakapo.

Edited by Zephyr_Nova
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Oh snap! The one that got away... :crazy:

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Not really a horror story (for me anyway), was with a girl several years back, she got a little menstrual blood on the sheets, so we stripped them off and saw period stains from 2 previous girls.  lol

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Women posing with dead fish - is this a common dating profile thing all over the world, or just where I live?

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Good thing women holding dead fish just so happens to be my fetish.  You could say it's my... dead fetish.  New porn genre invented.

 

Edited by Zephyr_Nova

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Finally, a proper horror story:


I was swipin' through profiles, and I found one that seemed a'ight aside from some questionable spotify listening habits.  But you know, shouldn't really matter, right?  Anyway, figured I'd look up her number one most played artist.  It was this:

 

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^i've heard much worse country songs than that one. hell, i've heard a lot worse of any type of stuff out there on the radio these days.

just imagine what she'd think about your music choices :)

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I want to edit that video to just have them standing there in silence, smiling, after the guy says the punchline "that's just how we roll." No laughing. Just silence and maybe highway sounds with crickets.

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Now there's a fun date idea.  All my dates just want to go for a beer or a coffee.

Edited by Zephyr_Nova

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