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Zephyr_Nova

Online Dating Horror Stories

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Yeah but without the charm.

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14 minutes ago, chessy said:

I saw him later,buying a tray of chips which he then poured into a blue plastic bag which he had produced from his pocket.

Nice - I'll have to remember that life hack.

I have friendly hang out date today, in theory, and then a date date on Wed which I'm really exaited about (former archaeologist, wants to hit up karaoke after drinks, has a Depeche Mode tattoo, wittiest text banter of anyone thus far).  Again, seems really cool and down to earth, so I don't know that I'll have any juicy stories for this thread.  But maybe she'll be a closet psychopath.  One can hope.

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That was the most British thing I've read in a good while.

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If I ever want to leave a date early I'll scoop my food into a bag 👌👍

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17 minutes ago, yekker said:

If I ever want to leave a date early I'll scoop my food into a bag 👌👍

An old friend of a friend once produced a plastic bag filled with chicken after I offhandedly mentioned I was hungry while we were at a bar. You’re god damn right I ate some of that pocket chicken. Sometimes you just have to live life on the edge.

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One night I took a girl home, had a great old evening - except when I woke up I could smell shit, so I followed my nose and she had opened up a drawer and had a great big shit in it.  So I didn't want to destroy the poor girl, so I took a photo and when I jumped back into bed I just kinda really gently approached it and used the photo as a way of showing her.  Needless to say, she was fucking mortified, poor lass.

Anyway, I fucked off and left her to it, and when I got home she had spring cleaned the whole flat, from top to bottom. Result!!

Never saw here again though.............

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jesus christ lol

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Mortified like... she accidentally took a shit in drawer?  I don't know how someone manages that not on purpose.  You guys must have had some good drugs.  Or... you went on a date with Fred McGriff's sister.  He once peed on the bedroom TV while the missus slept.  Legend.  Anyway, good story.  Keep 'em coming!

My today date had to cancel due to too much work.  Nothing too horrific, sorry to say.  

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Pocket chicken and shit in a drawer.

Christ almighty...

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welcome to watmm

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1 hour ago, chessy said:

Pocket chicken and shit in a drawer.

I would think that the former often leads to the latter...

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Alright , seeing as how I feel like you guys and I really are at ease with each other now...

This one didn't actually get to the dating thing but we were swapping nice messages , a little flirty banter , you know. His name was Alec and he had an epic beard and he seemed charming . He sent me a picture of his dog . Lovely. Then another pic of the dog . Okay . Then another...

Turns out he was looking for a 'pedigree chum ' for his pooch. Not only that he told me his ex wife had been on more than stroking terms with the animal.

So obviously , I'm a little bit miffed by this.

"So where would you be while I'm being seen to by your dog then? Filming it??" I texted furiously.

*I'm not a f*ckin' sicko u cheeky c*** !" he texted back.

 

 

(I'd just like to point out that I am not interested at all in any type of relationship with anything or anybody whose idea of personal hygiene involves licking their own arse . Thank you.)

 

 

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16 minutes ago, chessy said:

I am not interested at all in any type of relationship with anything or anybody whose idea of personal hygiene involves licking their own arse . Thank you.

Hey, everyone's gotta help save the environment in their own way - Mine's by not using loo roll

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“It’s 2019, who doesn’t eat ass?”

 

Actual quote from a random girl at my bar a few months ago

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1 minute ago, Lada Laika said:

“It’s 2019, who doesn’t eat ass?”

 

Actual quote from a random girl at my bar a few months ago

 

Ass-eating-reatarant-in-Japan.jpg

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17 hours ago, david1806 said:

One night I took a girl home, had a great old evening - except when I woke up I could smell shit, so I followed my nose and she had opened up a drawer and had a great big shit in it.  So I didn't want to destroy the poor girl, so I took a photo and when I jumped back into bed I just kinda really gently approached it and used the photo as a way of showing her.  Needless to say, she was fucking mortified, poor lass.

Anyway, I fucked off and left her to it, and when I got home she had spring cleaned the whole flat, from top to bottom. Result!!

Never saw here again though.............

Et tu Brute

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-41167296

 

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16 hours ago, Zephyr_Nova said:

Mortified like... she accidentally took a shit in drawer?  I don't know how someone manages that not on purpose.  You guys must have had some good drugs.  Or... you went on a date with Fred McGriff's sister.  He once peed on the bedroom TV while the missus slept.  Legend.  Anyway, good story.  Keep 'em coming!

My today date had to cancel due to too much work.  Nothing too horrific, sorry to say.  

She had to clean a flat and a particularly shitty drawer? :dadjoke:

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1 hour ago, BoomTssPhace said:

She makes a valid point

You gotta stay in the AirBnB with us next time. 

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On 11/4/2019 at 12:02 PM, chessy said:

I joined a dating site after much cajoling off my family.Rejected some very odd would be suitors for reasons I'd rather not go into in a first post.Eventually I spoke to a nice bloke. Well he seemed okay until I met him outside a local pub.His trousers had a suspect shiny patch at the , uh , frontal area and after he bought himself a pint he asked if all my hair was real . When I assured him it was he said that I couldn't come back to his flat with him as my hair would block up his sink...I made my excuses and left.

I saw him later,buying a tray of chips which he then poured into a blue plastic bag which he had produced from his pocket.

Oh and his first name was Cliffort. Yes...with a T.

Maybe his entire apartment is a sink.

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38 minutes ago, Lada Laika said:

You gotta stay in the AirBnB with us next time. 

You gotta take me out to dinner first 😘

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13 minutes ago, BoomTssPhace said:

You gotta take me out to dinner first 😘

Do you like Fazolis

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1 minute ago, Lada Laika said:

Do you like Fazolis

Butthole for dessert either way so cheers

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On 11/4/2019 at 2:02 PM, chessy said:

I joined a dating site after much cajoling off my family.Rejected some very odd would be suitors for reasons I'd rather not go into in a first post.Eventually I spoke to a nice bloke. Well he seemed okay until I met him outside a local pub.His trousers had a suspect shiny patch at the , uh , frontal area and after he bought himself a pint he asked if all my hair was real . When I assured him it was he said that I couldn't come back to his flat with him as my hair would block up his sink...I made my excuses and left.

I saw him later,buying a tray of chips which he then poured into a blue plastic bag which he had produced from his pocket.

Oh and his first name was Cliffort. Yes...with a T.

 

21 hours ago, Lada Laika said:

An old friend of a friend once produced a plastic bag filled with chicken after I offhandedly mentioned I was hungry while we were at a bar. You’re god damn right I ate some of that pocket chicken. Sometimes you just have to live life on the edge.

We need to get bag chips and pocket chicken together!

Also pocket chicken sounds like an euphemism 

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