sinicalypse Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 timeline 4:42pm CDT earth-322148 (per hodgman's multiversal directory of concurrent realities) - wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?!@ - somewhere in a dream last night i completely reconceptualized reality and made it far more enjoyable... first off, there was an unfortunate accident where everyone wearing flip-flops had a really bad day... like a banished from this plane of existence kind of bad day... it will forever go down in human lore as the "mcfuckup" as mcdonalds, thought to be the most powerful entity on earth by a benevolent alien race who in no way felt obligated to actually show up here and confront us with our mess of problems, was given a doomsday device as a means of this alien race communicating their respect for mcdonalds iron grip on that of this planet earth 322148. unfortunately, our aliens made an incorrect judgment on who the persons in charge of mcdonalds were and they ended up giving the doomsday device to a 22 year old shift manager in sheboygan, wisconsin who was like "whoa cool" and pressed the button and when the device began to whir up it immediately invaded his head and began to comb his innermost thoughts desires hopes and dreams and give an old college try to immanentize his eschaton, which at the time was kind of redirected by a thought he was having, checking out a rather shapely young specimen of human female walking by he was vibing with everything about her except her three dollar flip flops to which he thought "man i'd kill to see her rocking some oldschool adidas shelltoes... fucking flip flops... why the fuck do people wear them?!@" being that this doomsday device had daddy issues and therefore was hellbent on pleasing anyone whom it saw as a figure of respect, it went out of its way to make possible what it believed to be the purest random thought he had, that of the flip flops, and within a split second everyone on the planet who was wearing flip flops was duly exterminated in a multitude of ways that i shan't bore you with, suffice to say, let's just say that technologically omnipotent alien doomsday devices have a proper sense of humor, thank god. within a split second the world was completely bereft of people wearing flip flops, and boy how did the world change?!@ oh let me tell you. first of all, the chicago cubs franchise had to up and move to memphis TN because suddenly they had no fanbase outside of people with goatees in jean shorts. the collective IQ of the planet earth rose 6 points, which caused corporate boards around the world to groan and realize they've gotta spike the corn harvests again and cut some funding to schools and pollute the air a little more to even the score. fearing extinction, the makers of "crocs" were never heard from again. people would speculate as to their whereabouts, however, nobody cares about teh asshole(s) who made crocs. karma is indeed quite a bitch when it wants to be. shoemakers saw the opportunity to unite the world in a fit of quality footwear... adidas sales went up 66% and then everyone had something in common: they hated flip flops. nobody would dare ever wear a pair of flip flops again because everyone remembered what happened on the day of the mcfuckup (a term that wouldn't be coined for approximately 63 years until that once-shift-manager, on his deathbed, confessed to the greatest secret in the history of humanity) and with this fear omnipresent the world united, started listening to 1990s michael jackson music that advocated a one world selfless raceless utopian view, and then we all held hands coke made 6 commercials off of it the guinness record for the longest successful joint passing operation happened and then our alien friends saw this and said "the earth is a bunch of pussies, let's take them" which led to the imminent invasion of the talaxians, who underestimated our ability to be completely annoying and persistent and... hungry. yes, when tehy destroyed our food supplies and hoped to win a war of attrition the food network began airing programs on how to grill talaxians and all of a sudden our food problems were answered, and thanks to keanu reeves realizing he actually IS divine and not just playing it in movies, we were able to defeat the talaxians, hijack their technology, go back to their homeworld and take them over, where we now grow talaxian babies and harvest them for food, cuz the mctalaxian deluxe is the best selling burger in the history of the universe. the talaxians rued the day that they made such a horrific judgment error, as they thought they were going to find allies on earth in mcdonalds... instead, they found their antichrist, and to this very day seeing the golden arches anywhere in teh universe will cause any of the estimated 3 million free talaxians in hiding across the galaxy into tears, because of one little mistake in judging human social-power structure they went from the most majestic creatures in teh universe to burger-meat, all thanks to the mcfuckup... and the convient fact that god lived in earth in the form of keanu reeves. and so it goes... that is, until the walmartians decided to fight back against their banishment and invade earth in the year 4264, however, that is a story for another day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Iain C Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Actually my favourite post by you i think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinicalypse Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 i had a friend named fritz oteker. as you would imagine, i always called him fritz autechre. he actually loved autechre and tossed me a gram of dank because i gave him the gantz graf video when it first came out and he was so overwhelmed by it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.