Recommend me a book

[Soloman Tump]

 

China Mievelle

 

Great recommendation, never heard of this guy before.

[Guest dese manz hatin]

I have read nothing but the first and second posts, but Naked Lunch (must have been mentioned already) is not only the most IDM, but also the most WATMM book of all times. Feels just like making your way through Wrong MS Paint thread.

Postmodern literature as a whole is quite fucking IDM.

 

Other than that:

Visions of Cody - J. Kerouac

Illuminations - Arthur Rimbaud

Steppenwolf or Siddharta - H. Hesse

Henry Miller.

[kaini]

http://bettermyths.blogspot.com/2011/04/boats-and-elder-gods-only-weakness.html

 

this guy is amazing

 

OK LET'S TALK ABOUT SOME HORRIBLE SHIT

because brooding muscle farm Pecs "Crispy Bacon" Frontkick

wanted me to tell you about some other horrible shit

and this is my halfassed way of doing what he paid me to do

kind of

 

OKAY SO H.P. LOVECRAFT RIGHT

 

holy shit what the fuck is even WRONG with this guy

reading one paragraph of this cthulu shit

is roughly equivalent to TWELVE WEEKS IN VIETNAM

seriously i am getting flashbacks right now it's terrible

but yeah ok i'm pretty sure you've all heard of this nameless horror cthulu

but like none of you have read the story that cthulu is actually fucking FROM

because you are all illiterate

because why the fuck else would you be reading my blog

SO HERE IS WHERE THIS WHOLE ELDER GODBEAST NONSENSE GOT STARTED

 

so there's this dude and his granduncle dies

first of all who the fuck has a grand uncle

but second of all how does this dude have a granduncle who is so wicked sweet

this dude is like the ultimate crypto-archeologist

which basically means that whenever anyone digs up some shit they don't understand

this is the dude they ask

AND NO ONE EVER DIGS UP SHIT THEY UNDERSTAND

but so this granduncle character dies

in a super suspicious way that involves a black dude

(fun fact: HP Lovecraft hates him some black people)

and he leaves all his crazy science bullshit to his grandnephew

and the grandnephew is rooting through all this shit in a super respectful manner

when he finds this weird-ass clay tablet with shit on it

that is not old AT ALL

and there is some writing with it

that is basically like HEY HEY HEY THIS WEIRD SCRAWNY-ASS SCULPTOR CAME IN HERE

WITH THIS FUCKING TABLET

AND HE WAS LIKE I MADE THIS IN A CREEPY DREAM

IT HAS A PICTURE OF A MONSTER ON IT

WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF AN OCTOPUS

A DRAGON

AND A FAT DUDE

SO OBVIOUSLY I GOT SUPER EXCITED AND ASKED HIM A TON OF QUESTIONS

that's not all it says but i'm tired of writing in allcaps

it also says that this sculptor dude

whose name is wilcox

keeps having these creepy dreams where he hears shit yelling nonsense words

like cthulu and fhtagn

and then after a couple weeks he just goes off the fucking deepend

goes totally shithouse bonkers and starts passing out and gibbering

and yelling about some kind of mile-high hosebeast lumbering around causing problems

and then a few days later BAM he is suddenly cured and he has no memory of goin crazy

so that's exciting/TERRIFYING

 

but our narrator (the grandnephew) does not give a cardboard FUCK

about this supernatural bullshit

he is pretty sure this wilcox guy just got messed up on sculpting fumes

and started making up crazy stories

so he goes ahead and reads MORE of his granduncle's crazytime notes

and these ones are even MORE crazytimes

because they are talking about some cop called Inspector Legrasse

who showed up at this special archeologist nerd orgy in St. Louis

looking for any dudes who could help identify this creepy cthulu statue he found

when he was busting up a mega sinister occult love-in out in the bayou

and everyone is like WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE SHIT THIS IS

I MEAN

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF ROCK THIS SHIT IS MADE OUT OF

WHAT IS THIS

SPACEROCK?

SATANROCK?

TELL US ABOUT THIS CRAZY OCCULT LOVE IN YOU BUSTED UP

WE ARE TIRED OF TALKING IN ALLCAPS

 

so Legrasse is like alright

basically some squatters showed up at the police station

like dudes there are some crazy assholes beating drums and setting off fireworks

like deep in the swamp

it's seriously freaking us out

and i was like well fuck you that's what you get for being squatters

but then i felt bad so we went and checked it out

oh also i think the drum dudes kidnapped some squatter dudes and maybe murdered them?

anyway I took 18 of my best dudes and we went looking for the guys with the drums

and we found them

on the edge of what is apparently an evil lake

full of like this huge white monster that eats dreams and shits deathterror

i mean no one has ever seen it but they know it's there

presumably because they're all FUCKING CRAZY

but anyway yeah there were a bunch of dudes dancing around by that lake

there was a ton of fire and dead bodies and also this statue

so naturally we shot half of them and took the rest of them to prison

because they were all blacks and mulattoes and you know how those guys are

(HP LOVECRAFT: HERO OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT?)

and uh they were all chanting this cthulu gibberish

i'm not even gonna bother to reproduce it here

basically it was something like

way down in R'lyeh evil sinister dead Cthulu is dreaming

i mean we tortured all those cultists and everything

and that's all they'd fucking tell us

that and that there were all these elder beasts from space

sleeping underwater or something

and these cult dudes wanted to eventually release those guys

and basically ruin everything

pretty crazy right?

and the granduncle is like YES PRETTY CRAZY INDEED

BOY THAT'S REALLY GONNA FREAK ME OUT IN A FEW YEARS

WHEN SOME CRAZY SCULPTOR COMES AND TALKS TO ME ABOUT HIS DREAMS

yeah i dunno why we get fed these stories in reverse order either

just go with it ok

 

but so grandnephew Mcskeptic over here still doesn't think this is AT ALL IMPORTANT

i mean he spends a little while trying to get famous

by finding out shit about this cult

but eventually he gets bored and moves on to some other shit

until ONE DAY he TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT finds a NEWSPAPER CLIPPING from AUSTRALIA

one of his rich asshole friends was using it to wrap some precious glassware

or some shit like that

and he just kind of smashes that glassware to the floor so he can READ THIS SHIT

there's a photo of a little cthulu statue in there

and the article is basically like SOME DUDES FOUND A BOAT

THERE WAS ONE DEAD GUY AND ONE LIVING GUY ON IT

THE LIVING GUY HAD THIS STATUE AND IS PRETTY MUCH CRAZY AND WON'T EXPLAIN SHIT

THE END

and that is enough to motivate our hero to go to FUCKING AUSTRALIA

 

so he goes to australia

and tries to track down this boat guy

but everyone is like oh he moved back to his old house in Oslo, Sweden

so TO OSLO WE GO

but oh shit

it turns out this boat dude DIED VERY RECENTLY

because he got hit on the head by a falling stack of papers

and then got helped up by some more black dudes

MAN THOSE BLACK DUDES SURE ARE CRAFTY AM I RIGHT LOVECRAFT?

but luckily boaty mcboat (whose real name is Johansen but i prefer boaty mcboat)

wrote a detailed account of his horrifying sea adventure

which is about how he and his crew set out on some ship

and then got attacked by another ship

crewed by black people who were SO EVIL that Johansen and his crew

COULDN'T HELP BUT BRUTALLY MURDER THEM

and then steal their ship (which is called the Alert

which is funny considering how easy those dudes were to murder)

and they realize that these dudes they killed were some kind of cult

cause they have like another evil cthulu statue in their ship

and then they sail towards some island that had an evil cthulu citadel poking out

which they spent a long time trying to figure out how to open

LIKE IDIOTS

oh by the way

fun fact

HP Lovecraft is a HUGE FAN OF ADJECTIVES

the more syllables the better

sometimes it can make reading his writing very difficult

but luckily i discovered a trick

which is that you can replace almost every single one of his adjectives

with "spooky"

without any loss of meaning

let's try it on one of the paragraphs from the sailor's account!

AHEM:

 

"I suppose that only a single mountain-top, the spooky, spooky citadel whereon spooky Cthulu was buried, actually emerged from the waters... Johansen and his men were awed by the spooky majesty of this spooky Babylon of spooky demons, and must have guessed without guidance that it was nothing of this or any other sane planet. Awe at the spooky size of the spooky stone blocks, at the spooky height of the spooky, spooky monolith, and at the spooky identity of the spooky statues and bas-reliefs with the spooky image found in the shrine on the Alert, is spookily visible in every line of the mate's spooky description."

 

SEE?

now just delete every instance of the word "spooky"

and watch this paragraph magically transform into PRETTY GOOD WRITING

but anyway

yeah after these idiots open up the citadel or whatever it is

Cthulu is like O HAI THER

and come lumbering out

along with a big black cloud of poison and insanity

two great things that go great together

and half the crew just instantly goes crazy/dies/is eaten by cthulu

another dude falls into a hole on the structure

that is only there

because the dude who built this shit

was SUCH A SHITTY ARCHITECT

that he BROKE GEOMETRY

like all the veticals are horizontals

and and the parallels are fucking

and what the fuck is a cosecant?

so yeah some dude falls like six degrees to bumfuck turnways

and so only Johansen and this one other dude even make it back to the boat

which is apparently a steam boat

cause they gotta get the steam up

and Cthulu is all GONNA GETCHA

GONNA GONNA GETCHA

and Johansen's buddy looks back over his shoulder

and sees Cthulu

and INSTANTLY GOES FUCKING INSANE

and Johansen is like NO

FUCK THIS

and he SPINS THE BOAT AROUND

and just drives FULL SPEED AHEAD INTO CTHULU

JUST STRAIGHT THROUGH ITS FUCKING SQUIDFACE

and he basically just straight rips it in half

and it reforms on the other side

but then i guess it gets pretty sad

because instead of taking over the world and slowly fucking everyone to death

Cthulu just crawls back into its horrible deathpalace

and sinks back underwater

UNTIL NEXT TIME

oh yeah by the way this whole nonsense festival coincides precisely

with that painter's fucked up dreams

and a bunch of other peoples' fucked up dreams too actually

and some riots and some crazy people problems

and dudes killing themselves and stuff

so i guess the world didn't get away with it COMPLETELY

there was some consequences i guess

 

but so then nephew mcnarratortimes

is like welp that's the story of why everything is fucked forever

i kind of wish i was dead

that's prolly gonna happen soon anyway

i better watch out for black dudes i guess

but man I just hope no one else finds out about this

that would be horrible for them

WAIT HOLD ON ASSHOLE

IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FIND OUT THIS SHIT

WHY DID YOU JUST PAINSTAKINGLY DETAIL IT OUT FOR ME

AND THEN PUBLISH IT IN A FUCKING BOOK

WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION PAID TO ALL THE CRUCIAL ADJECTIVES?

GREAT JOB PRICK

NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED

 

but anyway yeah

the moral of the story

is cthulu is coming

like for sure

but it's not a big deal

because apparently cthulu can't handle boats

and we have tons of those

this is perhaps the most potent argument for cruise ships

 

THE END