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Plum

Knob Twiddlers
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Posts posted by Plum

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted

    8 minutes ago, zero said:

    I'm still hoping for pics of the crocheted dildo mentioned a few pages back

    Unless you’ve got an endoscope that’s gonna be tricky. Postmistress Julie hand delivered the package. Kakapos trying to unwrap it using just his colon as we speak. 

    • Like 1
    • Burger 1

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted · Edited by Plum

    21 minutes ago, kakapo said:

    Plum, you should know that true friendships can still be ephemeral, still contain profound beauty no matter how short.  The Japanese have a phrase for it.  Mono no aware.  Look it up.  I would've expected you to understand this after your experience of organising a 'bring your mandolin' night at a local pub in the provincial shithole that you call home.  Might have been a good idea in 2009.  Not too sure about 2019.  You told me you had dreams of meeting a quirky hipster girl like that one in 300 days of Summer.  You turned up in your best outfit which consisted of a blue harbour check shirt and jeans that were too tight for you by about 30lbs.  Still couldn't see the outline of your penis though.  Nobody turned up.  You'd already knocked back a couple of Stellas for courage, thinking that tonight was going to be the night, when Julie the postmistress and her gaggle of prosecco soaked harridans walked in.  You carried on drinking, and things got a little bit hazy didn't they?  To this day you're still not sure exactly how it happened.  I was there Plum, I was there watching.  I paid Julie to do it.  I like to watch.  I like to take photos.          

    Motgerfucker you’ve crossed a line. You know I love Blue Habour check shirts. Don’t weaponise that. 

     

    edit: I’m absolutely livid. I’m serious never bring Blue Harbour check shirts into this again.    

    edit: I’m actually shaking with rage. 

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted · Edited by Plum

    3 hours ago, kakapo said:

    Also your knees are shot by that age so if you want to do reasonably intense cardio its one of the better options.

    Plum, unless I have a full and sincere apology by midnight tonight there will be consequences.

    I am sorry Kakapo. I’m sorry you’re a lycra clad-road bike-bummy-gang wannabe. 

    I bet you linger down side roads and alleyways on your tricycle, in your homemade clingfilm outfit that you’ve adorned with brand logos like GIANT, Shimano & Team Sky using Sharpies. Waiting for groups of unaware cyclists to pass by, so you can tag on behind and imagine what it’s like to have real friends (even if it is only briefly, before they notice your mouth stench, pick up the pace and shake you off like the unwanted turd you are)

     

    edit: your knees are bad due to years of noshing-off strangers in public toilets in exchange for single cigarettes.


     

    • Haha 2
    • Facepalm 1

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted

    56 minutes ago, Amen Warrior said:

    My wife's dad, at age 50 something, got a massive tribal tattoo on his leg, bought a black mazda mx-5 with gold rims which he only ever referred to as his "sportscar" (never just "car"), had an affair with a series of welsh strumpets, and made a bunch of terrible financial decisions like just not bothering to pay the mortgage anymore, which got him kicked out of the family home and then he had to sleep on his mum's sofa in an old people's home for year.

     

    Yeah, but just think of all the old dear poon he must’ve dusty-pumped in that year tho. 

    ?? on tap. 

    • Haha 1
    • Burger 2

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted

    12 hours ago, azatoth said:

    I will be 39 this year and I am seriously considering taking drum lessons once the plague has calmed down.

    Yep, that's exactly how it starts. First you buy yourself a drum kit. Then you're wearing lycra cycling gear on Sundays. Before you know it, you're frequenting that lay-by on the outskirts of town, the one that's popular with other straight men. You know the one (if not, pm me for postcode). 

    • Haha 3

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted

    So I just got back from the post office. I showed postmistress Julie this thread. She fucking hates Kakapo too. She hopes that all his parcels go astray and his private & confidentials get read by his neighbours.  

    Spoiler

    For those that are interested, this is postmistress Julie.

    CNmW6bl.jpg

     

    • Like 1
    • Facepalm 1

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted · Edited by Plum

    11 minutes ago, kakapo said:

    Sounds like you go to the post office quite a lot.  That etsy shop you set up at the beginning of the pandemic selling motivational crochet must be doing well.  Glad that worked out for you.

    That reminds me, I’ve finished crocheting that dildo you ordered. I’ll get it safely packed in prawn crackers and dropped off to postmistress Julie shortly.

    • Like 1
    • Haha 3

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted · Edited by Plum

    46 minutes ago, kakapo said:

     

    Right on cue.  So predictable.  He told me once he'd been on holiday to China and when he came back he could speak Chinese fluently and that's why he got free prawn crackers every time he got a takeaway.

    That’s 100% true. I actually have so many excess bags of prawn crackers, I use them as void fill in my parcels. Postmistress Julie often comments on the delicious smell of my package. 

    1 hour ago, Zephyr_Nova said:

    What is the story behind this legendary watmm rivalry?

    The only legendary thing is Kakapo’s bad breath. It can make an onion cry. 

    edit: plus Kakapo’s face looks like a squeezed teabag, and he has the charisma of Antony Worrall Thompson’s scrotum.

    • Haha 2

    Midlife crisis

    in General Banter

    Posted

    30 minutes ago, kakapo said:

    I doubt that very much, I've had antibiotic resistant infections more charming than you.  Old Masego Mbengo behind the counter isn't going to give you free stamps just because you gave a 5 star google review.  Idiot.  

    Well dickwod shows what you know, postmistress Julie was very appreciative of my kind and heartfelt review, and did in fact reward me with a book of commemorative Harry Potter stamps.

    So stick that up/on your parse-hole!

    Daft Punk split after 28 years

    in Music Discussion

    Posted

    14 hours ago, iococoi said:

    C. Homem, C.G. Homen, Christo, Christo Guy Manuel, De Homem Christo, Guillaume Emmanuel Paul, de Homem-Christo, De Homen - Chiristoi, De Homen - Christo, De Homen - Christoi, De Homen Christo, Dehomem-Christo, G De Homem-Cristo, G M Homen Christo, G M. De Mohem-Christo, G-M de Homem-Christo, G-M De Homem Christo, G-M De Homem-Christo, G-M. de Homem-Christo, G:M: de Homem/Christo, G. Christo, G. De Homem-Christo, G. De Homen-Christo, G. E. P. de Homem-Christo, G. Homem Christo, G. Homen-Christo, G. M. De Homem Christo, G. M. De Homem Cristo, G. M. De Homem-Christo, G. M. De Homen - Christo, G. Manuel, G. Manuel De Homem Christo, G. Manuel de Homem-Christo, G.-M. De Homem-Christo, G.E.P. de Hormem-Christo, G.M De Homem-Christo, G.M. de Homem, G.M. de Homem - Christo, G.M. de Homem Christo, G.M. de Homem-Christo, G.M. DeHomem-Christo, G.M. DeHomen-Christo, G.M.De Homem-Christo, G.M.De Homen/Christo, G.Mauel De Homm, GM De Homem Christo, GM de Homem-Christo, GM deHomem-Christo, GM. de Homem-Christo, GM.De Homem-Christo, GMDHC, Guillaume Emmanuel de Homem-Christo, Guillaume Emmanuel Paul de Homem Christo, Guillaume Emmanuel Paul de Homem-Christo, Guillaume Homem, Guillaume Homem Christo, Guillaume Homen Christo, Guy Christo, Guy Maneul De Hmem, Guy Manuel de Hemem Christo, Guy Manuel De Hemen Christo, Guy Manuel de Homem Christo, Guy Manuel de Homem-Christo, Guy Manuel De Homem-Cristo, Guy Manuel De Homen Christo, Guy Manuel De Homen-Christo, Guy Manuel de Homen-Cristo, Guy Manuel Di Homem-Cristo, Guy Manuel Homem Christ, Guy Manuel Homem Christo, Guy Manuel Homen-Cristo, Guy-Manuel, Guy-Manuel de Hom, Guy-Manuel de Homem Christo, Guy-Manuel De Homem-Christo, Guy-Manuel de Homen-Christo, Guy-Manuel De Hormem-Christo, Guy-Manuel De-Homem Christo, Guy-Manuel Homem Christo, Guy-Manuel-Homem-Christo, Guyman, Guymanuel de Homem Cristo, H.Christo, G Emmanuel, Homem Christo, Homem-Christo, Homen-Christo

    and

    Angalter, Balgalter, Bangalter, Bangalter, Thomas, Draft Ponk, T, Bangalter, T,Bangalter, T. Banalter, T. Bangalater, T. Bangalter, T. Banghalter, T. Banglater, T.A. Bangalter, T.B., T.Bangalter, T.Banglater, Th.Bangalter, Thomas, Thomas Bancalter, Thomas Bangaltar, Thomas Banghalter, Thomas Banglater, Thomas Bengalter, Tomas Bangalter

    are no longer

    D.P., D**T P**K, Da Funk, Da Phunk, Daff Punk, Daft P., Daft Pank, Daft Punk's, DaftPunk, Darf Punk, Datt Punk, DP, The Daft Punk, ダフト・パンク, 傻瓜庞克, 傻瓜庞克乐团, 傻瓜朋克, 傻瓜龐克

    You sassy bitch

    • Thanks 1

    Coronavirus COVID-19

    in General Banter

    Posted

    9 hours ago, Cryptowen said:

    ... During the deepst part of the winter my only form of exercise was yoga, and while it's nice to be able to wrap my leg over my shoulder like a backpack strap, at a certain point you just start to feel like you're getting a little too loose

    This post had absolutely no business being that provocative.

    I came’d.   

    • Haha 1
    • Burger 1
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