Delaware Masturbators March Against O’Donnell

[tontonz1]

WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

 

Carrying signs reading, “O’Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturbation,” the angry masturbators clogged downtown Wilmington, stopping traffic for blocks.

 

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators “because they’re used to acting alone.”

 

Mr. Farger, the executive director of the pro-monkey-spanking group MasturNation, said that the “wank and file” of his organization believe that masturbation is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Constitution.

 

“Our country was founded by rugged individualists,” he said. “And you know what individualists like to do.”

 

He said that Ms. O’Donnell’s anti-whacking position was “ill-timed,” adding, “In this economy, masturbation is one of the few simple pleasures people still can afford.”

 

 

Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturbator from Dover, Delaware, said she is “puzzled” by what she sees as the contradictory nature of candidate O’Donnell’s position: “If you’re against masturbation, why would you want to serve in Congress?”

 

A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturbators March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, “especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterwards.”

 

http://www.borowitzreport.com/2010/09/17/delaware-masturbators-march-against-odonnell/

 

 

Any Delaware watmmers make it out? Blast some vsnares n wut not.

LOL @ in this economy masturbation is crucial for societal stabilisation. It's probably true though. If there was a ban on wanking, I think you'd see way more

I believe wanking is ranked third next to minecraft and wikileaks on watmm's "Most Trafficked Activity" list.

[Boxing Day]

Welcome to three months ago.

[impakt]

Why would anyone be opposed to wanking? Jesus, fucking cunts.

[lumpenprol]

from what you said, it seems like you missed the fact that all the articles on his website are satire...

[kaini]

i was just about to say that this reads like an onion article...

[GORDO]

this line gives it away

 

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators “because they’re used to acting alone.”

 

lol