Guest MetalLizard Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest weed Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 best pic yet yegg Is that supposed to be an insult? Lol, retarded bitch. no, not an insult. just was being sarcastic. why would i have the need to insult you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yegg Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 feel the Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest weed Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yegg Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Georges Bataille Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Don't Shave That Hair!!! ... Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! funniest read in a long while kudos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mrcopyandpaste Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Yeah man good read. Nice use of similes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qnio Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yegg Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 copy pasta http://forum.ebaumsworld.com/archive/index.php/t-88146.html Also a little talc powder would've prevented most of the problems he whines about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Iain C Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I'm really concerned about the logistics of doing this. I'm a front-lawn trimmer but I might just hire a neighbourhood lad to take care of the back yard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keltoi Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 i'll do it for you with a hedge trimmer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essines Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 i don't know what kind of sick fuck sweats enough into the leftover shit in his shaven asscrack that the smell makes him want to vomit. sometimes it gets a bit itchy, but that dude is hyperbolic and needs to learn to scrub himself a little harder. that story isn't even funny because it's flat out stupid. fuck my ass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Franklin Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 i'll revise my post.... i don't technically "Shave", i use a trimmer put on the lowest setting... trimming is enthusiastically recommended. You don't get the inflammation, or the pain when it grows back in but the benefits of having no crazy hair. and yes i do the armpits and the chest--though i have little of the latter to begin with. i also use the same hair trimmer on my face... is that wrong? in fact so did my roommate years ago... i started telling him exactly where i use the trimmer and he told me to stop telling him. He blocked it out of his mind and kept using it on his face too. lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest abusivegeorge Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 i don't know what kind of sick fuck sweats enough into the leftover shit in his shaven asscrack that the smell makes him want to vomit. sometimes it gets a bit itchy, but that dude is hyperbolic and needs to learn to scrub himself a little harder. that story isn't even funny because it's flat out stupid. fuck my ass lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneToThirtySix Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Don't Shave That Hair!!! {I shaved it all and had one bad experience, so my advice is} Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! As with all things, moderation should be considered. This story is an obvious example of what happens when you shave too much ass hair. Personally, I prefer the local approach, shaving only the area where a grogan is most likely to form, but not the whole damn thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essines Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Don't Shave That Hair!!! {I shaved it all and had one bad experience, so my advice is} Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! As with all things, moderation should be considered. This story is an obvious example of what happens when you shave too much ass hair. Personally, I prefer the local approach, shaving only the area where a grogan is most likely to form, but not the whole damn thing. see you're the reason people are idiots. does this happen to you when you shave your ass? i shave my ass consistently and for a few yearts and this has never happened. god damn it i hate ignorant assholes and people who believe the internets as told by some jerkoff from in-his-mothers-basement, godknowswhere, USA i was talking about the "obvious example". it's obvious if you're a fucking idiot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneToThirtySix Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 it's obvious if you're a fucking idiot. I pointed it out for weed's benefit, not yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEK Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 i don't want anything up there and having a thick wall of hair down there makes sure that anything that could go up there gets tangled into a mess, it's for my own protection Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneToThirtySix Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 i don't want anything up there and having a thick wall of hair down there makes sure that anything that could go up there gets tangled into a mess, it's for my own protection You're in prison, aren't you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEK Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 if by prison you mean something else, sure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneToThirtySix Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 I'll take that as a hairy "no". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
autopilot Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 I just trimmed my rectal bush tonight. Feels good, man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essines Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 it's obvious if you're a fucking idiot. I pointed it out for weed's benefit, not yours. i don't understand. i shave my ass clean of hair. you illustrate my point flawlessly though, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneToThirtySix Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Just put me on ignore, essines, do us both a favor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essines Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 this is more fun for me though, really, you should know that. LOLOL UR A F4G, GAYM0 LOLZ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.