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President Squidward

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    stupid first world problems you're dealing with

    in General Banter

    Posted

    *god fuck ocd letting me not like much these past few months*

    but thanks so much for the advice @brian trageskin and @IDEM. After typing that for ages I've been very vocal about the severe OCD, Tourette's and Autism Spectrum Disorder I have, (I'm guessing I have high-function autism, since people always tell me I'm a smart guy, but the fact I'm awful socially to get myself into losing all my friends with my behavior makes me feel dumb emotionally). And the fact that I lashed out a lot on my friends in this situation (and also came off rather douchey over very inane stuff before all of this over the years on the spongebob forums (both spongebuddy mania before the admins there supported a pedophile, which is why all my sbm friends moved on to use the spongebob community since we all used that as well before SBM's downfall), and also the fact whenever someone's mad at me, I break down emotionally irl and start retaliating and explaining myself, which makes myself look like I'm using my life problems as a excuse to justify my actions, and the worst part is, the fact that this is a recurring behavior, which Autism is having repetitive hobbies (for me it's Squidward, Wunschpunsch, Diecasts, electronic music, all I tend to foucs on), and having repetitive behaviors.

    I'm aware of the times I get mad and say things in the heat of the moment that hurt my friends who are mad at me and making me feel uncomfortable, and every single time I do this, I fucking regret it hard and it just makes me hate myself more, since this isn't just an online occurance, I tend to do this in real life, and it makes me look like more manipulative. It's good I have the self awareness that my actions are shit sometimes, but I fucking hate that my mind is built up to never learn HOW to fix it so I can become a better person mentally and be more positive, since while I have many examples of incidents of getting frustrated and sad over the years since 2013, I've also shown many times I do love my friends, and I see why they're so frustrated about what I've become when I've gone down a spiral to lose everything I had. I feel this shows that this is my severe autism coming into play, but it also has to be a mental downward spiral or mood swings or something.

    I hate myself, I need to stop wishing and being down about how I want all of this to be taken away and actually prove to my friends that I can fight my thought process to start thinking to improve myself as a person, even if I'm stuck in a position where I live in fear to think due to my constant ocd patterns I deal with every day. Sitting here doing nothing is obviously making me feel work. I should start smaller though because all that fear just gets me more and more frustrated.

    For now, I'm gonna be on here and maybe one day, I can regain trust from my friends who want me to change myself for the better. Since deep down, I really fucking want to. Cheers.

    • Like 1

    stupid first world problems you're dealing with

    in General Banter

    Posted · Edited by President Squidward

    i guess this is a first world problem for me since there's many in the world who have worse lifes then i do, but even the simplest pickles i'm in makes me want to die inside and i have fear and doubt overtaking me to do anything about it.

    but for the past month, I've had a falling out with the spongebob forums I used, and i fucking hate myself for it, my severe mental health issues mixed with the depression has always made me pretty angry and emotional with even harmless opinions that take repsectful discussion, i also tend to get influenced by stuff that i tend to repeat it a lot with no bad intentions but they always manage to come that way to others (like being edgy and typing slurs to be stupid like the rest of the internet, which got this issue started), and it's managed to open up a bunch of skeletons in the closet of this being an issue with close friends for you, with how my behavior comes off as manipulative. i always go into my whole life problems with my health and why i feel it makes me act the way i do, and i feel bad for saying i want to fix it but never know how to start, and there's better ways to explain it since it is manipulative, it is the victim card, and i don't know why my mind makes me think and act this way. is it the lack of having positive things about myself. when i'm out in irl i don't seem to be this way unless if it's an issue when i don't get my way, and that's not good since that's not what i want to do, I've always wanted to work on myself to be a better person, since I can be nice, I WANT to be nice, but these few years i've managed to get worse mentally with ocd and it's just turned me more into a monster, and i can see why everyone who once liked me don't trust me anymore, and now I just want to cry now. 

    so now i'm taking a break, since being silent and actually thinking about it without letting emotions and anger get to me because i see something my friends say when they're understandably mad at me for a lot of things for the past month (Since i also hate drawing and im always down about that too, so now people think when friends make my squidward crossover drawings, i force them too, when that's not my intention and I have shown appreciation about it, but with how i act overall i can see why people think that).

    it's pretty much just flaw upon flaw with me, and the fact that i'm too scared to focus or even think nowadays is just making me act like a fucking cunt. I don't want to die, death is scary, but I feel like I ruined my own life for good. I was in the midst of therapy (it was for my intrusive ocd) but then covid happened and now i'm stuck in the house all day, just walking to get food to stuff myself and buy cars since i obsessively like my hobbies), but therapy I need for more than that.

    I also hate that I'm very apologetic and explain myself a lot.

    Post Your Most Recent Artwork

    in General Banter

    Posted

    5 minutes ago, rhmilo said:

    Soft and messy is better than too hard and choppy. With practice it'll get less and less messy.

    Also, it's easier to erase.

    I think my problem is I did this with a shitty mechanical pencil and haven't found a good eraser for art purposes so every time I erase a detail on my drawing it either fucks up the paper or the drawing, I've had instances when the paper rips from erasing too much ? 

    Post Your Most Recent Artwork

    in General Banter

    Posted

    3 minutes ago, rhmilo said:

    ? These are really good. Also, one thing I've noticed in the drawings you post is that you exert a lot of pressure on your pencil. Try to sketch a little lighter: you'll find your lines will become more fluent.

     

    98F0EBFB-1FB6-4179-94E9-4DE1645F550D.png

    thanks for the advice man!! yeah, i tend to not know anything about how art works and lack the fucking patience and how to use and hold a pencil, i tend to use it either too hard to too soft and always comes off messy, especially with the constant erasing that you can see on all the sketches. it sucks being me XP 

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