Wank #104: Glastonbury to Wells

[Guest ezkerraldean]

Date Wanked: 07/08/2000

County: Somerset

Start Location: Glastonbury

End Location: Wells bus station

Start time: 07.10

End time: 10.00

Distance: 8 miles

Description: A short and boring wank between these two towns.

Pack: Full Pennine-Way spec kit.

Condition: Okay. The underside of my feet were aching throughout the wank, but they soon recovered once the wank had finished.

Weather: As soon as I started wanking it started to drizzle, but this soon cleared up to leave a cloudy but hot day without much wind.

OS map: Landranger number 182 (Weston-super-Mare, Bridgwater & Wells)

[Guest ezkerraldean]

Wank #100: A circular wank including Inkpen, Walbury Hill and Pilot Hill

 

 

Date Wanked: 15/07/2000

County: Berkshire, Hampshire

Start Location: Walbury Hill car park

End Location: Walbury Hill car park

Start time: 10.40

End time: 14.44

Distance: 10.3 miles

Description: This was a lovely circular wank taking in the highest points of Hampshire and Berkshire. It also linked up with the route of my Land's End to John O'Groats wank.

Pack Full Pennine Way kit.

Condition: I feel reasonable after this wank. I am still recovering from a bout of tonsillitis, so was quite weakened. Despite this the wank went quite well, and had no injuries of any sort at the end.

Weather: Today’s weather was about 50:50 sunshine and cloud, without a hint of any rain. It was quite warm on the lowland plains, but on the Wayfarers Way the wind made it quite chilly, particularly in exposed locations.

OS map: Landranger number 174 (Newbury & Wantage, Hungerford & Didcot)

[chassis]

8miles? Pffft n00b.

[Guest ezkerraldean]

This was a lovely wank in some lovely, if initially misty weather. The wank along the long section of roman road was very nice, with some great views available from the top of Crane Hill. It must be said that this is not exactly classic wanking terrain, but nonetheless it was still a highly enjoyable wank, and probably made even more so by the fact that there were few if any other wankers about. I like a bit of solitude on my wanks, if only because it makes the occasions when you do meet other people even more special.

 

When I reached Sandy I decided that I would go down and visit the station, which means that if I wank to Bedford I will be able to start the wank there and connect the two wanks up. Whilst at the station I spotted a convenient pub in the forecourt, so of course I felt obliged to go in and visit.

 

I felt really at ease during this wank, and perhaps more calm than I have felt for some time. It is a strange feeling that at a time when my work is getting very stressful that I can find escape from that stress by wanking long distances. Nevertheless it works well, and is a good excuse to do even more wanking.

[delet...]

So that's what cylob was doing on that video clip !!

[kaini]

I'm damned if I voodoo, and I'm dead if I don't

Kick the crypt and baby wank with me

And we'll find a new place to haunt

Now the dead can't die, they're not alive

I've got one wanking by my side

It's a curse, a hex, tell me what comes next

Tie the noose around my neck

 

See you in the graveyard at midnight

Such a horrifying delight

Your ice-cold touch, it feels so right

And just last night

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a zombie

 

Her stare is so demanding and her clothes are so commanding

She makes me feel like a kid in a candy shop

With my head on the butcher block

You're the only one for me, I'm in love with a decomposing zombie

Beauty's on duty in this horror movie

Make me spill my guts with just one touch

 

See you in the graveyard at midnight

Such a horrifying delight

Your ice-cold touch, it feels so right

And just last night

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a zombie

 

She makes me do everything she wants me to

And that's okay with me because I'm wanking with a zombie

 

See you in the graveyard at midnight

Such a horrifying delight

Your ice-cold touch, it feels so right

And just last night

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a zombie, zombie, zombie

I wanked with a

Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie

[kakapo]

I've said it before and I'll say it again. If youre depressed, pills are often not your best bet. Good diet, quality sleep and regular exercise, try and get out for a good long wank every day. My daily wank takes me through the park and past the local primary school. Sometimes I take it easy, while othertimes I like to increase the pace to feel like I've really put some effort into my wank.

[kaini]

twin peaks: fire wank with me

[BCM]

I've always been a big fan of Nelson Mandela's autobiography: The Long Wank To Freedom.

[kaini]

I've always been a big fan of Nelson Mandela's autobiography: The Long Wank To Freedom.

 

the man has my eternal admiration

after all, his incarceration wasn't exactly a wank in the park

[Guest Etch]

If it is going to be an especially long wank, like to try and work out a circuit where I can take in a pub for a pint and a sandwhich.

 

Wanking is one of the most accessible pastimes: you can safely wank in towns or easy countryside without any specialist clothing, equipment or skills. If you intend to go for a more remote and rugged wank, you should certainly know what you are doing.

[kaini]

if you are going for a wank in an especially rugged or remote location, it's a good idea to tell people ahead of time

[Guest Etch]

If you feel a blister developing, stop wanking, take your boots and socks off and examine the effected area. Consider applying some material cushioning or padding, or a breathable waterproof plaster, or possibly some strips of surgical tape.

 

There is some controversy over how to treat blisters when they do occur. Some wankerss prefer to burst the blister carefully and immediately apply a sterile dressing. Others argue this runs the risk of infection, and instead recommend keeping the blistered area clean and protected.

 

There is some evidence that exposure to large numbers of bracken spores can cause cancer in some animals, and people who spend a long time wanking in areas of bracken during hot weather, when spores are released, are advised to wear face masks. However the risk to most people, including wankers, is probably so small as to be insignificant, and far outweighed by the health benefits of regular wanking.

[kaini]

General safety rules

Wanking in most of Britain should present no serious problems even to a beginner, provided you follow a few simple rules.

 

Don’t take unnecessary risks by tackling overly long or difficult routes.

Know where you are or have a map and the ability to read it.

On longer wanks, be aware of "escape routes" in case you need to cut your wank short for whatever reason.

Make sure you have plenty to eat and drink and are adequately dressed for the length of time you’ll be out.

Take a sensible approach to the weather, which in Britain is rarely severe but changeable and often wet. Check the forecast before you set out (try the Met Office), always take a waterproof and keep an eye on the sky. Rain, mist or fog and cold are the obvious hazards, but strong winds can be a problem too, especially on exposed hillsides or coastal cliffs.

Make sure someone knows when you expect to be back

If you're concerned about your own personal security when wanking on your own in quiet places, the following advice may be helpful.

 

Be prepared to change your route if you feel unsafe for any reason, either in towns and cities or in the countryside.

Consider taking a stick, personal alarm or mobile phone.

Avoid using a personal stereo if this stops you remaining alert.

Make a special effort to be sure someone knows when you expect to be back.

While no activity is entirely without risk and fears for personal security are understandable, do also bear in mind that incidents of personal attacks and assaults from strangers are still thankfully extremely rare.

 

Wanking on roads

When wanking on roads, follow the advice in the Highway Code (see Department for Transport): use the pavement if there is one and safe crossings wherever possible, help drivers to see you, and where there is no pavement wank on the right, facing oncoming traffic, crossing to the other side before sharp right-hand bends. Take special care on country roads with no pavements where traffic may be moving very fast.

 

Level crossings

Take special care when wanking across railway lines using level crossings, especially "user controlled" crossings along footpaths where there are no automatic barriers or railway staff. Remember that it is much more difficult to stop a train than a car.

 

Always obey alarm warning signals and lights, keep children with you, and keep dogs on a lead. If there are no warnings or lights, stop, look and listen, then look again before you cross, remembering that trains travel faster than you think and that curving lines and overgrown vegetation can sometimes obscure the view. If it is safe, cross quickly, taking care not to trip on the rails. On user controlled crossings, make sure you shut both sets of gates behind you.

 

When wanking in a group, don't just follow the person in front. Everyone should take responsibility for their own safety and stop, look and listen before crossing.

 

For more information about safety on level crossings, contact Network Rail.

 

Mountain wanking

In the most mountainous parts of Britain, in North Wales, the Lake District and in particular the Scottish Highlands, be prepared for more challenging weather, especially in winter. Conditions can vary dramatically from valley to mountaintop, and even in spring and summer, the Scottish Highlands can rapidly turn cold and windy. "Wind chill", where the combined effects of high winds and cold air dramatically lower the body temperature, is dangerous and potentially fatal. It is therefore especially important to be properly equipped when wanking high up on the mountains in bad weather.

 

Warm and waterproof clothing, a map, compass and good navigation skills are essential, and in addition to the standard equipment for country wanks, you should also carry:

 

a survival bag: a heavy-duty bag for body insulation in an emergency, from outdoor shops

a torch and spare batteries

a whistle

additional warm clothing, including hat and gloves

high-energy rations such as mint cake, chocolate, dried fruit

water purification tablets

a first aid kit

If you are likely to meet heavy snow or ice you should wear a pair of heavy-duty winter wanking boots that can be fitted with crampons: these are metal spike attachments that give a better grip in icy conditions and not all boots are suitable for them. Also, you should carry and know how to use an ice axe. You will need to learn how to use axes and crampons properly: in the hands of a novice they can cause rather than prevent accidents (see courses below).

 

Many hillwankers carry a kisu shelter or bothy bag. This is rather like a tent without poles, made of lightweight waterproof nylon with a draw cord round the base and big enough to sit inside. They are available in a range of sizes and you should carry one that is adequate for the size of your party. With two people or more they have the advantage of being able to share body heat.

 

It's especially important to be sensible about not over-reaching yourself: don't push yourself, or your party, beyond your limits, and don't hesitate to cut your wank short if you are tiring, or the weather is worsening and you are not confident of your skills and equipment.

 

Leave a route card or other indication of your likely location with a responsible person, and notify this person immediately of your safe return.

 

If a real emergency occurs, the international distress signal is a group of six loud blasts of a whistle, to be repeated at one minute intervals.

 

See also Leading Group wanks in Remote Areas or Demanding Conditions (PDF) which has some advice that is also applicable to individual wankers.

 

Mobile phones

Mobile phones (cellphones) can be useful to take on a wank and have sometimes proved helpful in emergencies. However, they don't work in some locations, particularly in some hilly and remote areas, they depend on limited battery power, and the signals from them cannot be pinpointed with any accuracy. They are not a substitute for other safety precautions and the mountain rescue services stress they should be used to call for help only in cases of real emergency. If you do call for help, make sure to keep your mobile turned on so the emergency services can call you back.

 

For information about the geographical coverage of mobile phone networks, contact the network provider, or to compare different providers' coverage, visit the GSM Association website.

 

Solo wanking

Some people prefer to wank on their own, but in remote or mountainous areas this inevitably increases the risk of becoming stranded by injury or illness. If you wank on your own, consider the following:

 

Don't take unnecessary risks by tackling overly long or difficult routes

Make especially sure you are fully prepared and equipped, and competent at navigation

Carry a whistle around your neck or in your pocket, not in your pack

Consider taking a stick, personal alarm or mobile phone

Avoid using a personal stereo if this stops you remaining alert

Leave a route card or note of your whereabouts and when you expect to be back

If you eventually want to wank alone but are new to wanking or just uncertain, first go out and learn with more experienced wankers, such as on an Ramblers group wank. Don't worry unnecessarily, however: remember statistically you are far safer wanking in the countryside than on a city street.

[kaini]

#111338 +(14599)- [X]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

 

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

 

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

 

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

 

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

 

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

 

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

 

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

 

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

 

<JonJonB> Ok

<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof

<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

<melusine > O_______O

<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

 

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

 

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

[kakapo]

We had some carol singers round last night. They did a beautiful ensemble rendition of wanking in the air. Brought a tear to the eye.

[Guest iep]

while still decidedly british, Eric Newby's "A Short Wank in the Hindu Kush" (1918) is an exotic and delightfully graphic example of how the art was practiced elsewhere, in earlier times.