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Being direct

J3FF3R00

By J3FF3R00
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J3FF3R00 Grand Master

J3FF3R00

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I am currently involved in a project with some friends and it seems I am the only person that doesn't have a problem being direct with my thoughts, feelings, advice, feedback and intentions. I feel being direct shows respect and is ultimately the best thing for everyone involved... granted, without being insulting to anyone or getting over emotional about things.

That is important.

 

I feel like at least one of my collaborators avoids being direct, in fear of coming across as mean. In effect, she ends up wasting people's time and complicating nearly every situation.

Another person in the group (he's British), fancies himself a genius. He seems like he doesn't respect anyone enough to be direct. Honestly, he's a bit shady.

Another person in the group is just new to the process and is a bit confused. I give her a bit of a pass. She try's to be direct when she can, but often, it comes off as confrontational or defensive.

The other partner is just quiet all the time, but he's sleeping with another partner, so I know there is a lot that goes on between them that is never really illuminated. That's a given.

I think there is a lot of people talking behind each other's backs on this project. Actually, I'm certain of it. It's really bad. People team up and talk about other people behind their backs or hide information from each other. It sucks. It really fucking sucks actually, mostly because we are all working in this thing for free and the bare minimum we owe each other is honesty/ openness.

 

I just feel that, at the end of the day, people are afraid to say what's on their mind. This is a shitty thing.

I've been guilty of it in the past. I know it can be complicated or emotional. Ultimately, I think it makes everything better.

I just wanted to throw it out there. If you are wishy-washy or cryptic or secretive out of fearful reasons or because of sensitivity or whatever, just clear the air and say what's on your mind. You don't need to get emotional about it. Just speak your mind. Especially if you feel like someone else deserves to hear something.

 

Sorry. I had to get that off my back.

My wife can only hear so much of my complaining.

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ambermonk Grand Master

ambermonk

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Seems like people were generally more direct in the old days. I admire those who aren't afraid to be direct though, cos sometimes it takes balls.

However, not all situations can be handled in a direct manner.

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J3FF3R00 Grand Master

J3FF3R00

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Just say whatever you feel like saying. If people suck or do something wrong they need to be told, so that they can improve. If they can't handle it, too bad for them.

For realz. I kinda don't give a fuck anymore. If I'm busting my ass on something for no money, I have nothing to lose anyway.

Plus, I do feel like all of my advice is genuinely in the best interests of the project. I care. That's all.

Also, I don't have any bullshit hang-ups or ego issues that get in the way, so that helps.

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hoggy Veteran

hoggy

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Also, I don't have any bullshit hang-ups or ego issues that get in the way, so that helps.

Except that you think your approach is for sure the right one, and that your judgements of people are self evident character traits?

 

I do think it's good to be honest about how you feel, but maybe you are frustrated because you have difficulty accepting ambiguity in others, and this ideology of brutal honesty is a way to avoid dealing with that.

 

Just telling people what to do rarely works, it takes a long time for people to change their behaviour - you could just end up playing a parental role if you start telling people what to do all the time, and end up taking on a greater burden.

 

However, context is everything - if this is a creative project, that's very different from a business project - in either case for example, a very specific approach would be useful.

 

(Sorry if there's any British passive aggressiveness here, I am just trying to suggest a point of view you might not have considered)

 

Also, people will not listen to you if they feel they are being attacked.

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J3FF3R00 Grand Master

J3FF3R00

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Also, I don't have any bullshit hang-ups or ego issues that get in the way, so that helps.

Except that you think your approach is for sure the right one, and that your judgements of people are self evident character traits?

 

I do think it's good to be honest about how you feel, but maybe you are frustrated because you have difficulty accepting ambiguity in others, and this ideology of brutal honesty is a way to avoid dealing with that.

 

Just telling people what to do rarely works, it takes a long time for people to change their behaviour - you could just end up playing a parental role if you start telling people what to do all the time, and end up taking on a greater burden.

 

However, context is everything - if this is a creative project, that's very different from a business project - in either case for example, a very specific approach would be useful.

 

(Sorry if there's any British passive aggressiveness here, I am just trying to suggest a point of view you might not have considered)

 

Also, people will not listen to you if they feel they are being attacked.

It is a creative project. There is a fair amount of business, as well. My main issue is that there doesn't seem to be a foreseeable end in sight, there is no real budget and no one is good at scheduling. It's basically avoided. I just don't like seeing people's time wasted.

 

I honestly don't tell people what to do, for the record. I just make informed suggestions that usually end up getting ignored.

 

Most of my direct feedback sounds like "if this person isn't getting paid and they feel overworked, they will likely quit" or "if we end up making money on this, let's talk specifically about how that will break down between us fairly, since we are all in the same room together now" or "I feel like I need to get this specific credit for the work I've been putting into this, does anyone have a problem with that?"

 

As for my judgements, they are fairly accurate. You just need to believe me. The girl I mentioned is very nice, but deep down is very shrewd and never says exactly what's on her mind if there is a chance it could create any conflict. She means well.

The British guy I mentioned once told me "you can't plan genius" when I once suggested we strategize a plan for a specific task that involved several other people in a somewhat complicated and slightly hazardous situation.

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Guest Adam

Guest Adam

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Example here, there's a guy at my work who has a bad BO problem and rather than saying to him "you fucking stink" I instead asked him if he had any deodorant and asked him to use it. He got the message.

holy fucking shit, that is probably the most offensive thing you could ever say to any male. you fucking stink is actually way less offensive in this situation imo

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peace 7 Grand Master

peace 7

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If you care so much about the project, perhaps you should designate yourself director. Put in some money, like buy people pizza and beers. And then be like, "You guys are too indirect and sexing- I, am now director. I'm directing this shit cuz I'm direct, I care, and I bought you all pizza. Mostly, cuz I bought you all pizza."

 

Buy pizza.

 

Yah, but really, you gotta question the integrity and care-input of people who are acting all shy and tee-heeing in the corner. Why the fuck would anyone want to join a collaborative project if they aren't willing to be direct and give a good effort to put ideas out there? If they aren't confident enough to speak their minds- too shy to care about expressing their own ideas- how the fuck are they even useful? Do they possibly need..... DIRECTION?!

 

Buy pizza.

 

P

 

I

 

Z

 

Z

 

A

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J3FF3R00 Grand Master

J3FF3R00

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If you care so much about the project, perhaps you should designate yourself director. Put in some money, like buy people pizza and beers. And then be like, "You guys are too indirect and sexing- I, am now director. I'm directing this shit cuz I'm direct, I care, and I bought you all pizza. Mostly, cuz I bought you all pizza."

 

But pizza.

 

Yah, but really, you gotta question the integrity and care-input of people who are acting all shy and tee-heeing in the corner. Why the fuck would anyone want to join a collaborative project if they aren't willing to be direct and give a good effort to put ideas out there? Do they possibly need..... DIRECTION?!

 

Buy pizza.

The British "genius" guy is actually the director. I can't really overstep my boundaries with that kind of thing. I could buy pizza though. Good call ;)

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Guest Atom Dowry Firth

Guest Atom Dowry Firth

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I feel being direct shows respect and is ultimately the best thing for everyone involved... granted, without being insulting to anyone or getting over emotional about things.

That is important.

 

X2

 

The British guy I mentioned once told me "you can't plan genius" when I once suggested we strategize a plan for a specific task that involved several other people in a somewhat complicated and slightly hazardous situation.

 

You may have misinterpreted that comment if you thought it was serious

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Guest boo

Guest boo

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Example here, there's a guy at my work who has a bad BO problem and rather than saying to him "you fucking stink" I instead asked him if he had any deodorant and asked him to use it. He got the message.

holy fucking shit, that is probably the most offensive thing you could ever say to any male. you fucking stink is actually way less offensive in this situation imo

 

there's pretty much no difference between the two. i'd even say that "you fucking stink" is more diplomatic though, because it gives the stinky guy the opportunity to say something like "of course i fucking stink! i'm a man."... then when you suggest the deodorant kindly, he can be like "fine, i'll protect you from my terrifying stench"(tips fedora). instead he's just left thinking you're patronising etc.
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Guest Atom Dowry Firth

Guest Atom Dowry Firth

Posted
Posted

 

 

Example here, there's a guy at my work who has a bad BO problem and rather than saying to him "you fucking stink" I instead asked him if he had any deodorant and asked him to use it. He got the message.

holy fucking shit, that is probably the most offensive thing you could ever say to any male. you fucking stink is actually way less offensive in this situation imo

 

there's pretty much no difference between the two. i'd even say that "you fucking stink" is more diplomatic though, because it gives the stinky guy the opportunity to say something like "of course i fucking stink! i'm a man."... then when you suggest the deodorant kindly, he can be like "fine, i'll protect you from my terrifying stench". instead he's just left thinking you're patronising etc.

 

 

Being direct is the best way, every time.

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Npoess Grand Master

Npoess

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I always tend to be very direct with people (even when I should probably just play nice). It has gotten me into a whole lot of arguments over the years.

 

But whatever... Life's too short to be bullshitting. Not being direct rarely give any results.

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