tell your best story

[Guest sine]

Ok ,I started to write a story but it ended up a perverse type of confession so I'll tell you one of my Dads tales.

When he was a kid he used to work for a butchers in London,one day him and the master butcher,all in their clean white overalls and striped aprons saw an old lady collapse outside the shop,they both rushed out and knelt down on either side of her,one of them checking her pulse, my Dad putting his rolled up apron under her head.

As this old dears eyes fluttered open she looked up at the white clad men and said in a tiny voice,"Oh my...are you angels?"

"No Madam,Parfaits Butchers of Renown."My dad replied as he had been taught.

The woman struggled quickly to her feet..."There must be some mistake."She stuttered,backing away,"Ive arranged to be cremated."

 

I thought it was funny...

The first ten or so times I heard him tell it.

[Guest Blanket Fort Collapse]

well my story is true. my girlfriend was finishing me off and a lil bit of me landed on my tongue and in my eye.

 

-i was on my back btw.

 

muhahaha did your girl call you a fag by default?

[Eggs]

she didnt no. but she laughed. i cried.

[Guest Fishtank]

I used to have a black friend

 

true story

[keltoi]

Ok ,I started to write a story but it ended up a perverse type of confession so I'll tell you one of my Dads tales.

When he was a kid he used to work for a butchers in London,one day him and the master butcher,all in their clean white overalls and striped aprons saw an old lady collapse outside the shop,they both rushed out and knelt down on either side of her,one of them checking her pulse, my Dad putting his rolled up apron under her head.

As this old dears eyes fluttered open she looked up at the white clad men and said in a tiny voice,"Oh my...are you angels?"

"No Madam,Parfaits Butchers of Renown."My dad replied as he had been taught.

The woman struggled quickly to her feet..."There must be some mistake."She stuttered,backing away,"Ive arranged to be cremated."

 

I thought it was funny...

The first ten or so times I heard him tell it.

 

c'mon we'd rather hear the perverse confession

[Guest sine]

My dorm at school and an opposing dorm had a waterfight at around 2am one morning.

Eleven teenage girls,dripping wet.

Outcome-one chipped tooth,three stitches in a head wound and two blossoming love affairs.

[keltoi]

My dorm at school and an opposing dorm had a waterfight at around 2am one morning.

Eleven teenage girls,dripping wet.

Outcome-one chipped tooth,three stitches in a head wound and two blossoming love affairs.

 

IS THAT IT?

 

please elaborate especially on the wet girls part

[Guest sine]

My dorm at school and an opposing dorm had a waterfight at around 2am one morning.

Eleven teenage girls,dripping wet.

Outcome-one chipped tooth,three stitches in a head wound and two blossoming love affairs.

 

IS THAT IT?

 

please elaborate especially on the wet girls part

No...see,this is why you got a dad story instead.I didnt wanna get too detailed.

:P

[Guest Coalbucket PI]

This is a low level lol story I tell in the context of flatpack furniture discussions;

A friend I was living with had his girlfriend coming over to stay for a week or so. She was a student and she had to write some essays while she was staying and he didn't have a desk in his room, so he went to Argos and bought a flatpack desk. He was rabbiting on about how much of a bargain it was, only a tenner or something, which I remember thinking was an awful lot cheaper than when I had looked for a cheap desk a few weeks before. So as his girlfriend was on her way over he spent about an hour building it, cursing about missing screws and the usual, and when it was virtually finished he called me in to help hold a piece in place while he tightened a screw or something. Immediately I mentioned to him that it seemed incredibly small for a desk, and that I thought he might have simply bought the top part of a computer hutch by mistake, as it was only about 20cm deep half a meter tall. And didn't stand up on its own. He vehemently denied it and angrily finished building it and actually tried to pass it off as a desk to his girlfriend. Then we had to keep it in the garden for about a year because he was too proud to throw it away

[Guest Backson]

It all happened in the summer of 2005, at this time I had just turned 15 years old, and just finished my freshmen year of high school. My high school was approximately 6,507 ft. from my house. This distance is short enough that I could walk to and from school in a relatively short period of time. Due to the fact I'm not a morning person though, I usually got a ride in the morning. My friend's mom drove us in a 2001 Toyota Corolla and had around 90 to 95 thousand miles on it. This is a mildly high number but because it's a Toyota we knew it would last for a while longer. It had previously belonged to his mother. Any ways, in the summer of 2005 we both were going to summer school for having failed the same math class. The reason we failed this class was because another student in the class, a female. She had the most memorizing body imaginable. Not only that but she was flirty as hell. Needless to say, all class time was spent flirting with this girl as much as we could. No matter how the teacher arranged the class seating we always manged a way to contact this girl. We created so many forms of secret communication you would think it was WW2. (There where no hot girls in my history class.)

 

So the second half of freshman year, 3rd block was a great one. All three of us where young blooming people flowing with many newly acquired urges. This newness was the big issue. We could flirt, but we couldn't take it much further. Total amateurs. So even though we learned nothing in that class, we also gained nothing with the girl in our math class. Luckily, she was also in our summer school class. We were very excited but also very worried. We were being berated by our parents for having to attend summer school, but we also had a even closer space with the flirtiest cutest girl we knew. After the first week my friend and I spent a whole weekend trying to figure out a plan to both pass the class and grab that ass. That's the phrase we used to each other as we contemplated. We figured the best idea would be to get a 3rd person in on this so we called our "friend" who was more-so a fellow student who had great grades and thought we where cool. Probably because we were very cool.

 

So our plan was very complicated but we hoped for it to work and to have at least slightly better odds than a scratch off. Step one was to have our friend agree to homework for us but he was not interested in doing this. We invited him to come over, baked delicious cookies, and asked over and over again "Is there any way we can convince you to do this work for us?". He was very stubborn, and rightfully so. We offered video games and most of our other belongings, the small amount of money we had, a life-time friend ship, nothing enticed this guy. We gave up and had to use our last resort. "fine... will do it... for pussy?" Instantly this blew the kid away. He wouldn't stop laughing, thinking we where joking, or total fools. We told him about the girl we are in class with and he slowly stopped laughing. He began to become very interested. We told him that the real reason we wanted him to do our homework was so that we could also share the answers with her, and in return get laid. We said the one problem is that now there's 3 males to 1girl it might be very hard to convince her into anything. We talked for a long while that night and many ideas were conceived.

 

On the first class the next week we turned in all of our homework, and told the girl how hard the both of us studied over the weekend. She seemed very surprised, which was perfect. We then told her about how we wouldn't mind letting her copy us so that she could enjoy her summer. The glee we saw in our eyes was probably all we needed to make everything worth it all ready, but we had to go much further than this. We already had major plans in store. It quickly became a routine of our friend doing our work, and then us passing the work to her. She became more and more fond of us, and greatful for our assistance. Each morning she would say statements like "you guys are life savers!". Yes, we're glad to help you, you're the best. We would sit in a 45 degree angle from her, get a good view of the back and the front. Slowly we started to work into phase two of our plan. Each morning we'd start to add things like "man today's assignment was really tough, we were up all night doing this one" or "I hope the next section is easier because if it's harder we might be fucked!" and she started to get a little worried. As time went on we would ask her to meet us in new places so that we could get her the home work in time. Until the first major test was announced. We called her the night before the test, in a frantic worried tone "oh man, are you going to be able to pass this test?" she replied "I dunno, is there some way you guys can help me cheat?" we replied in a devastating tone "No the way this teacher does the tastes it's impossible! If you come over tonight though, we can probably drill you enough on the basic stuff that you could pass the test" she predictably the went on saying "that would be great, but I don't know if I could go over to your house, my dad is really strict about that sort of thing." PERFECT, "can you maybe meet us at the park then? maybe sneak out?" she said yes. Needless to say we then raped her, took the passing quiz for the class so we didn't have to attend the rest of summer school, and we never talked to her ever again.

why did i read all of that?

 

i hate you

[keltoi]

[Guest JohnTqs]

i was the first person to hear the oversteps leak

[Guest iamabe]

when i was young a made a bulls-eye on a piece of paper. put it on the carpet and repeatedly stabbed it with a sharp pencil. the pencil ended up striking my hand and the lead broke off into it. i still have a very small dark circle on my hand where the lead punctured it and stuck.

 

I did something similar, but on the knuckle of my ringfinger. I have a cute lil' grey spot just underneath my skin.

 

will I die?

[SCONES TO DIE FOR]

my friend knocked over a traffic light at the big intersection in the capitol, and i was there. he got arrested. and i got questioned.

I remember this one. It must be in the watmm archives somewhere..

[Guest Calx Sherbet]

invented the internet

[jules]

about 8 years ago, i was robbed at gunpoint in myrtle beach. my friend got pistol whipped and it busted his nose.

[Guest Conor74]

About 20 years back a group of us raided an orchard. The owner surprised us, came running out of the house throwing apples. Hard. Jumped on my Marauder mountain bike and stood up off the saddle to accelerate away. Here's the thing. Just as a lifted my buttocks off the saddle an apple hit the back and top of it. Imagine? If I had been sitting down I would have sustained a mildly bruised coccyx. But now I have a story for life.

[Guest Franklin]

when i was young a made a bulls-eye on a piece of paper. put it on the carpet and repeatedly stabbed it with a sharp pencil. the pencil ended up striking my hand and the lead broke off into it. i still have a very small dark circle on my hand where the lead punctured it and stuck.

 

 

holy shit yek...I have a lead point stuck in my palm as well.It's been there since I was 6.

 

 

holy shit yek...I have a lead point stuck in my palm as well.It's been there since I was 6.

craziness! we're lead buddies

 

 

when i was young a made a bulls-eye on a piece of paper. put it on the carpet and repeatedly stabbed it with a sharp pencil. the pencil ended up striking my hand and the lead broke off into it. i still have a very small dark circle on my hand where the lead punctured it and stuck.

 

I did something similar, but on the knuckle of my ringfinger. I have a cute lil' grey spot just underneath my skin.

 

will I die?

 

 

When I was in grade 8 and in a "family studies" class I had put a newly sharpened pencil into my back pocket tip UP. At some point (pun) a few minutes later i reached back and stabbed myself in the meaty part between my thumb and first finger. the 2cm graphite tip from the pencil is still there 20 years later.

 

lead bros!... well actually Graphite Bros!

[Guest placidburp]

Sometimes when I'm having a pee I suddenly think "what if you aren't actually pissing into the toilet bowl and you are actually asleep and pissing the bed". Then I zip myself up and walk out of the bathroom. It was all in my head.

[Guest ezkerraldean]

i stole a full suit from a Japanese chemist, and also stole a black hat plus skullcap from a Hungarian jew.

[Blir]

When I was young there was a half broken windshield in my garden that my brother had left there for whatever reason. At some point I slipped over and a cube of glass got wedged into the palm of my hand. Not wanting to go to the doctor for fear of the pain when he removes it, I opted to just try and get the glass out of my hand myself. However I found it was really stuck in, it was painful as fuck but I still left it and hoped it would just fall out.

 

Anyway a few days later at school someone tried picking on me, so I beat the shit out of him. When I looked at my hand the glass had come dislodged during the fight - double victory.

 

I'm thinking maybe the glass was a symbol that I had to rely on myself and not take any shit, when I overcame my enemy its job here was done.

[Guest 277: 930-933]

there is not story

[Guest ezkerraldean]

there is not story

where is story

[fenton]

I won tickets on website to see the world exclusive film preview at newly refurbished cinema that I'd been to many times before.

 

My friend who wants to see it with me can't come at last moment.

 

OK with this, but considering the ticket's exclusivity, I place an advert on gumtree offering out the ticket to anyone who would love the opportunity ..

 

Literally moments later i receive a phone call from a girl, a sweet pan-Asian voice she says it's her dream to attend such a prestigious venue with such exclusive clientèle, and, to add to that, two of her friends have tickets and she's jealous enough already.

 

She sounds sweet, and she sounds hot, but that's not the first thing on my mind.

 

I just want to help her. She somehow sounds like she needs it. It's hidden in the tone of her voice.

 

Anyhow we arrange to go, and I meet up with her a half hour before the screening starts. There is a Star-Bucks in the complex/mall, which has changed considerably since i was last there, I am unsure when that was.

 

We chat about the movie. She's petit, 5 foot max. Slim, curved. She wears a light orange one piece dress. Fits tight all around her. One silver bracelet. Short cropped black hair. Gorgeous love face. Fucking fit and laughs at what I say. Their is no discomfort. Time flies.

Then she says it's time.

 

 

We take a special elevator up to a floor you need a key to access, I'm told in an old soothing voice by the suited, booted concierge; that the film is being shown outdoors, set up on the roof. I see a long bar and a series of elaborate fountains, temporary décor and the sounds of clinking cocktails.

 

Something is wrong, however.

 

The chairs are all laying around, pointing in different directions, hardly arranged in vague clumps near tables, Dusty. Empty.

 

There are more staff here than punters. The sky is grey and the air is heavy, looming.

 

We finally find the 'screen'... it is a 24 inch Sanyo TV about 15 meters away from the chair/table orgy. We make eye contact in that 'but, I thought, shit.' kind of way. We don't know what to say.

 

It'd be like watching a film on a fucking iPod.

 

 

The girl and i are getting along fine but we're both a bit weighted out by the situation, then, to make matters worse, it starts raining. Fast and hard.

 

We rush inside.

 

We're ushered up a velvet staircase which seems to ebb and flow between steep and shallow. Narrow. Twisting.

 

I don't know how the stairs go higher than the roof, but the bell-boy type tells us we're going to 'screen 9'

 

But this cinema only has 8 screens.

 

Well it advertises itself as an 8 screen cinema, at least.

 

We enter the screen and it's massive. Everyone is dressed up in antiquated black-tie and we two are under-dressed in our contemporary fashion. But we are reminded that everything is OK by the meticulous bartenders, who have noticed our slight dishevelled stance.

 

She finds her friends. and they re-unite gleefully and clink drinks, share canapés. I wonder if that's me left alone.. But the girl and I are seated very far away and the cinema staff are very stringent on where we sit. The place is rammed. Our seats so close together her arms sits on mine as we share an arm rest. Her legs, bare, brush mine.

 

The intro rolls, but the movie hardly starts before a power cut sets the screen blank.

We are stuck in darkness. She grabs my hand and leads me to a fire exit. We're bundled into an elevator again, it's like some thing must be wrong, we hurry, hushed.

 

Ping!, we reach our floor.

I'm disorientated as we wander down a long hotel corridor and she leads me in a hotel room.

 

"This is where we're staying!!!"

She says.

"What?"

I reply, bamboozled.

"The prize package included this room for a night. I hope you don't mind sharing?"

"Wicked, no that's OK, I've done worse!"

Winking, I exhale. Fuck yes.

Why didn't I know this before? Strange.

 

We climb fully clothed into bed and flick on the big screen TV.

We're both quite snoozy and in our half-sleep we move together, and as we press up, our bodies slowly spoon.

 

I can't help it but I get hard.

 

She softly whispers and tenderly pulls me close.

 

I've sort of suspected that there was some connection but it all seemed too good to be true.

I waste no time and hold her, her back flat down on the mattress, I pull up her dress up and she's not wearing underwear.

 

[something I'll later discover was pre-meditated, surely, when I find them in the bath room toilet while brushing my teeth.]

 

Except she never went to the bathroom.

I know this because I didn't brush my teeth before we....

I taste the alcohol on our breath.

We fuck, short and hard. We fuck the shit out of each other until I cum deeply into her and she moans satisfaction.

 

Then we shower together and play with our naked bodies. Brush our teeth.

 

I throw my disposable toothbrush into the bin and see her underwear, she wore Calvin Klein fakes.

Love.

Slow, clean, sweet sex on white sheets.

 

Crying as she explains about her best friend... The Asian gay man who, a taxi driver, fucks her so she can be pregnant.

I wonder, but not as much as I ought to, why no-one is with her.

 

We know though, I can be..

 

 

The lights switch off and we turn off the TV and cuddle to sleep.

 

Later on I, although why, it's never explained, am forced to wake myself up and escape the hotel.

This is when I realise I am on floor 39.

Of the eight screen cinema.

With 9 screens.

And a hotel above the roof.

 

There is no ground floor, in the elevator I've run to, alone, so I choose 'B' for basement. and run out from a car park, into a strange city up a hill, past cars, buses, metro stations, turn a right, down a hill, towards a restaurant I recognise..

 

Quickly i am knocked unconscious.

 

I wake up on beach in where I instantly know is Australia, although I've never been there.

I see a friend with me, we've been through our ups and downs but I trust him.

 

He explains to me instructions were received by my friends and family for it to be arranged for me to be persuaded, or perhaps, forced, or even kidnapped to rehabilitate and sort out my life.

It's why he's here too. To give up drugs. To stop the lies. To forget about the theft, the crime and vice. It's some organised plan. Some sober cult.

 

The girl comes up with a clipboard and hugs me. I don't understand my emotions. I don't know what her role is in this whole scam. But she takes my hand, and, like always, I follow.

 

We share a bed with the girl, in a beach bungalow, my friend, and another bloke [the aforementioned gay-asian semen donor/taxi driver, I think. I never find out.]

 

We're watching the ceiling fan go round and kicking our legs up in the air, doing air cycling, giggling.

 

Next thing, the duvet wafts up temporarily in the air.

 

I catch the girl wanking my friend off.

I see his penis in her hand rising up and down below the sheets.

 

I feel slightly offended. It's just a bit rank.

Whatever. I'll go.

 

He, then-again, seems really embarrassed but unable to refuse.

He, finally, quickly moves away.

 

It kicks off.

 

The girl shouts about how we can all be together when we get away.

'Away?'

'We?'

'All?'

 

My friends blunty reminds her: "shut the fuck up: remember the rooms are bugged"

I sinisterly laugh and shout at the ceiling:

 

"Day number 1 in the big brother house. Sexual assault, kidnap, unlawful restraint..."

I'm slapped, hard, by the girl. I grin and turn away.

 

Seeing the hotel phone, I grab it and throw it out of the window.

I shout for help to the public as they pass by, however many floors down they are. I've never had good depth/height perception in my dreams. This bungalow is oddly far up.

 

A siren sounds. The girl throws her arms around my neck to strangle me. I brutally kiss her, biting her toung with lust and throw her at the wall. She slides down leaving a trail of blood.

Our door opens and it all goes black.

[vertsk8er419]

holy shit yek...I have a lead point stuck in my palm as well.It's been there since I was 6.

craziness! we're lead buddies

my god... i've got pencil led stuck in me too! in my right thumb!

 

 

7th grade math class... i was bleeding everywhere, and immediately the curriculum switched from improper fractions to "fuck yeah blood everywhere!"