Dragon Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 In this thread, post your versions of the worst joke in the world. Here's mine. "So, I believe you wanted to show me an act?" the talent agent says. "That is correct", says the man. He, his wife, and his twelve year old daughter were standing on the stage. "Very well", says the talent agent. "Show me your act". The man could not have looked prouder. "My beautiful daughter, Adiba. Today, in the name of Allah, you shall become a woman". At that moment, his wife grabs hold of Adiba and pulls her to the ground. She hits the stage with a thud. Now her mother is holding her wrists to the ground, and the man announces that he is ready to begin. Adiba shieks. "Stop! What are you doing?". "May I borrow that?", the man says to the talent agent, pointing to an empty glass bottle. "Umm.. well... I guess". The man takes the bottle and walks back onto the stage. Suddenly, with a loud CRASH, he smashes it onto the floor of the stage, leaving a pile of broken glass, and the jagged remains of the neck of the bottle. Holding it in his hand, he shouts, "Barakallah!". "NO!" shouts Adiba, but it's already too late. At full speed, he shoves the broken edge of the bottle straight into his daughter's genitals. She screams and howls with pain as he continues stabbing her vagina, twisting the bottle around. Blood was pouring out of her like a river overflowing into so many parked cars. The talent agent watches in horror. After a few minutes of tearing flesh and specks of blood raining onto the stage, the man pauses. Adiba looked very faint now, she was panting slowly, tired from all the screaming. The man eyes her vulva with a look of suspicion. He gently pulls open the folds of her genitals, taking care not to cut himself on the pieces of broken glass. Suddenly, he shouts. "Adiba, HOW COULD YOU?" "What is it?" his wife asks. "Her hymen... it's... broken!" he replies. His wife gasps. In a terrified whisper, she says "..does this mean?" "That's right", he says. "She is not a virgin". "N..no....it's not true", she pleads. "In that case", says her mother, "we must remove the child". "Mother, listen to me", she says. "There is no child". But before she could protest, the father takes his hand and stuffs it inside his daughter's vagina. It slid at a fairly constant speed up to his wrist, then he knew he had to push harder. Adiba whimpers as he forcefully pushes his arm further and further, tearing her vulva in the process. Finally, with the vaginal tract up to his elbow, he announces, "I've found it!". He wriggles his arm out of his daughter, and the talent agent almost faints when he notices what he is holding. In his bright red hand, he is carrying a bony, bloody figure, in the approximate shape of a baby. "NOOOO!", screams Adiba. The thought of losing her child seemed to give her extra energy. "Please don't harm it!". "This child is a disgrace to Allah", said her mother. And with that, the father gets to work. After snapping off the umbilical cord, he places the baby's head on the floor and stretches its mouth open. Carefully, he pulls down his trousers and squats over the baby's head. The man seemed to have severe diarrhea. It was pouring all over the baby, filling its mouth and dripping down its chest. After fully emptying his bowels, he assures his wife, "I think it's dead now, darling". "No, we need to make sure", his wife replied. "For the sake of Allah, we need to make sure". She picks up the bloody, faeces-covered pile of meat that was the baby, and firmly held its skull in her hands. She then took a large bite out of the skull and chewed, as fast as she could. She immediately vomited all over the baby and the stage. Pieces of brain and bone were scattered everywhere. Still, she continued. She sucked on its eyeballs. She chewed on its tongue. She crunched its tiny teeth, until at last, its entire head had been devoured and, for the most part, vomited onto the stage. Adiba looked horrified. The talent agent waited for a moment, before finally asking, "that's... an act?" "Oh yes", the man says. At this point, Adiba fainted. "Well, what do you call it?" "We call it", the man replied, "The Aristocrats". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boxing Day Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 - Knock , Knock - Who's There? - Betty - Betty Who? - Betty White Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 - Knock , Knock - Who's There? - Betty - Betty Who? - Betty White i am so fucking offended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rabid Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Wall of fucking text, gonna pass on reading that thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest uptown devil Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaosmachine Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day. And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day. And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day. And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day. And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day. And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and said, "The Aristocrats". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tht tne Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 freedom of speech... yeah, boy, just watch what you say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beatfanatic Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 welcome to 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mirezzi Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 The "documentary" that was based on this stupid fucking joke was just about unwatchable and made me lose respect for every prick that participated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadows and Labyrinths Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 a slice of pizza walks into a bar. takes a seat, nods to the bartender. he says "say, barkeep, i'll have a slice of cheese, please" bartender has his head down, cleaning a glass behind the bar and says "kitchens closed, you want somethin' to drink?" the pizza thinks about it for a moment. "hmm, yeah, i could use somethin' to drink... how about a slice of cheese?" bartender pauses a moment, has somewhat of a half quizzical and half annoyed look on his face n' says "we're only servin' from the bar right now. we have beer, wine and liquor. no cheese." the pizza reels back. "oh, oh oh oh, right, terribly sorry about that. ok, beer, wine and liquor, got it." pizza thinks for a moment about his decision. "in that case good sir, i'll just be taking a slice of cheese, then!" at this point, the bartender looks up and says "HEY WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE A PIZZA" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistymountainhop Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKGuh44_LBc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capsaicin Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Why did the chicken cross the road? Because chickens tend to wander aimlessly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Barricade Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Knock knock -Who's there? The police -The police who? Sir, you're wife's dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest placidburp Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 a slice of pizza walks into a bar. takes a seat, nods to the bartender. he says "say, barkeep, i'll have a slice of cheese, please" bartender has his head down, cleaning a glass behind the bar and says "kitchens closed, you want somethin' to drink?" the pizza thinks about it for a moment. "hmm, yeah, i could use somethin' to drink... how about a slice of cheese?" bartender pauses a moment, has somewhat of a half quizzical and half annoyed look on his face n' says "we're only servin' from the bar right now. we have beer, wine and liquor. no cheese." the pizza reels back. "oh, oh oh oh, right, terribly sorry about that. ok, beer, wine and liquor, got it." pizza thinks for a moment about his decision. "in that case good sir, i'll just be taking a slice of cheese, then!" at this point, the bartender looks up and says "HEY WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE A PIZZA" FUCKING LOL!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ezkerraldean Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Soviet joke: a Russian couple are lying in bed when there's a knock at the door. the couple freeze, terrified, then kiss and hug eachother and say what they think to be their last goodbyes. the husband gets up and goes to the door, scared, and opens it. their neighbour is in a panic and tells him that the building is on fire. the husband closes the door, dances a jig and runs back to his wife: "thank fuck for that! the building's on fire!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rabid Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 A guy goes to the doctor with a broken arm. The doctor mends it, puts it in a cast, and says "you'll be fine in three weeks' time." "Will I be able to play the piano?" the man asks. "Yep," says the doctor. "That's great, I couldn't play before!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCM Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 this was on late last night on film4 or C4 or something....i was vaguely watching it anyway.. is this what prompted the thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 this was on late last night on film4 or C4 or something....i was vaguely watching it anyway.. is this what prompted the thread? Yeah, it was on Channel 4 last night so I thought I'd start an Aristocrats thread, because I haven't seen one on WATMM before. Has anyone actually read mine yet? Just wondering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCM Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 yeah i read yours and thought it was extremely offensive so i guess it was a successful incarnation of the joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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