Guest yanG Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Hey I'm writing my first song but I need to be sure I'm not making mistakes in the writing since I'm writing in english which isn't my mother tongue... Here are the verses, I should be adding more but I'd like to know if there's anything nonsensical or mistakes... We should be celebratingInstead of calibratingAnd flutter twice into thin air like butterflies, vibratingShould there be room for usIn that rather messy universeMy life would feel like a song and I'd want you to sing its chorusLet's meet at the station!I don't care the destinationAs long as you & I perform some form of soul amalgamationI wanna take you placesAnd visit outer spacesThat'll set our hips loose and let 'em sway to our records' pacesHop to the front seatBop to my heartbeatSnap our fingers on the afterbeat then cuddle in the back seatThough I don't need no companyWithout you I'm in agonyI think of you profusely and quite a bit and a lot and plenty Cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LimpyLoo Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 yep, that's English Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beerwolf Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I'd imagine your imperfections might be a good thing???? Apparently The Beatles are The Greatest Band In The World? Or so people say. Read these nonsensical lyrics lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LimpyLoo Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I kinda don't understand people who don't think the Beatles are the greatest band in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
th555 Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 "I don't care the destination" - is that correct? I'm Dutch, not English, but it seems fishy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delet... Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 It would be hard to correct lyrics without understanding what the vocal line is supposed to be doing. I mean we could tell you if the syntax is off, but not correct the language because a vocal line has a rhythmic and melodic component to it which would then collapse that part of the song if it were altered. That being said, in reading through it, apart from the cheesy lyrics, i can't find any tortured english in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delet... Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Also, you forgot the word baby. (this is a joke) Yo yanG, were you inspired to write lyrics by vsnares going all vocal on us? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest yanG Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Well thanks, I hope the lyrics are not too cheesy or that they fit the naive mood of the song, i do mean to play it to someone, i wanna be nice :) here's a rough sketch, i'm not happy with the singing, i'm posting so that you can get a better picture. the telephone sound is intended.https://soundcloud.com/yan_g-his-approximates/flutter-twice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delet... Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 It's fine, the last line doesn't flow very well though. You could change that last line's structure to less rhymes to help you to be able to sing it faster or alter the rhythm. That's the thing with rhymes, they always seem to leave a pause after them, it's like an exclamation mark or something, even if it's just a trick played by our minds. This can kill the flow a little unless you're careful in how you pepper them through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest yanG Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 thanks, i did mean to make the last line too long as it seemed to emphasize the plentiness :) i guess it's not obvious enough though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delet... Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Well maybe add a couple more rhymes, to help over emphasize Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivan Ooze Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 you spelled mastubrating wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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