Post the hardest lol of your life

[usagi]

I was in fifth grade, so about 10 years old. it was just after school and we were waiting around to be picked up by our parents or bussed home, depending on whatever arrangement you had with the school. I was a pickup kid, most of my friends were bus kids. I was hanging around with them near the buses' parking area, immediately behind which was like a little wooded space, which I'm sure to an adult would just be a little green corridor to the admin buildings but which to a little-ass kid was a vast, cool, shaded forest from which to escape the punishing sun.

so we're goofing around in here and my friend Mustafa finds a busted old tennis ball lying in the tangled green. he proceeds to rip a hole open in one side of it idly whilst we're talking. in a moment of divine inspiration, he grabs two sturdy twigs, shoves them in the tennis ball hole, unzips his fly and jams the thing in there so that it's poking out of his pants. he has spontaneously created a new sex, an inverted perversion of the male sexual anatomy: not a dick sticking out from two balls, but a single ball stuck on the end of two dicks. at this point my 10-year old brain already thinks this is peak mankind, but then something even more amazing happens.

across from us and some distance away, we see a cohort of kids from an older grade getting on their bus to go home. among their ranks is a girl who was widely despised for being an annoying, snotnosed know-it-all. my man sees her and immediately yells "hey, BEVERLY!" and proceeds to run full tilt at her with his brand new post-op junk dangling out in full view, the sunlight dappling across it as it filters through the branches above. Beverly turns and looks, and the mixture of confusion, dawning realisation, horror and disgust on her face finally sends me to the ground, unable to breathe or move. I was too gone at that point to observe what actually happened when Mustafa caught up with Beverly, and I don't even want to know. let it be legend.

I have never laughed that hard since.

[BobDobalina]

This was circa 99-2000 and my mates and I were proper pregame boozing before going out to the bar/club.  One of them, let's call him Alan, was going harder than the rest of us and was already into full gleeful mayhem mode by the time we were en route, slurring words and yelling out the car window to anyone on the street who'd engage with him, etc.  (Later that evening he and another mate got kicked out of the club for trying to steal the bartender's fruit tray, which I got to watch unfold and was fucking loltastic in and of itself.)

So we're cruising thru downtown Providence I'm riding shotgun and Alan is in the back seat behind me.  We get to a stoplight when another SUV pulls up next to ours.  It a mom driving with what I can only gather is her teenage daughter.  So there's Alan leaning halfway out the window probably going into something like "how much for your daughter, I want to buy your daughter!" shit like that, that is if you could even understand what he was blabbing at that point.  Mom glances over for a second, then goes immediately goes to the straight-ahead stare.  Light is taking forever and he's still blabbing and she's having none of it, I may have also been dishing it out at this point as well.  Suddenly and with no break in Mom's forward stare, all the old-school push-pull knob locks on her SUV (which you could see thru the windows, but which I hadn't noticed til this point) shunt down at once.  Pretty sure I peed my pants.

[usagi]

the cashness of the situation is what tips one over into the TwiLol Zone, from which there is no escape.

[Alcofribas]

it would be hard for me to recall a real toplol that towers above the rest but i have one in particular that sticks out for some reason. 

when i was like 11-12 my 2 friends and i used to make movies on our parents' camcorders. we never had scripts or anything, we would just plan out the scenes and some dialog and do it a couple times before hitting record. there was one story we were filming that involved finding a treasure map under some old boards and rubbish we found by the side of some old man's garage in our neighborhood. one of my friends quickly drew the map on a piece of notebook paper before shooting and when we were filming the take i grabbed it out of the pile of boards and unravelled it. on top it said TREASURE MAR and for some reason this mis-spelling got me so hard that i knew i had to end the take as quickly as possible but instead of saying my lines (whatever they should've been) i quickly said "uh hey i gotta go i've got some pies baking in the oven" and ran off. this triggered such wild laughter among the three of us. we were just completely dead, on our asses couldn't breath, just looking at TREASURE MAR and being like "pies baking in the oven wtf duuuude."

so stupid and not objectively funny but in the moment it just totally fucked us up. i still remember it really clearly, like i remember even the specific pale blue of the late summer evening sky and stuff. one of those kids died a few years later from heroin and i haven't talked to his brother in like 25 years. i heard their mother tried to kill herself and he was able to get her to the hospital and save her. their dad simply moved out one day, revealing he had a secret family in new york and he never spoke to them again. very tragic shit. but from the ages of 10-12, 13 we were best friends, nextdoor neighbors, and i have so many perfect late childhood memories of our years together. like some straight outta stephen king stand by me type shit of just being at the very end of innocence, that super special time where you are completely a kid but totally unaware you're right at the end of all that and you're about to get into NIN and start feeling horny and depressed.

anyway yeah, i gotta run. gotta see about those pies.

[usagi]

^ wait, did your friend make the face or did the old guy on tv make the face?

14 hours ago, Alcofribas said:

TREASURE MAR

I'm reading this in my head in a goofy baltimorean accent (which I know isn't even accurate) - da traysure morp, doe

yeah I feel like that cusp between innocence and the start of world-weariness in your youth is where a lot of the funny shit happens, the kind that you remember for the rest of your life in vivid detail.

Edited August 7, 2021 by usagi

[Plum]

I once quite literally pissed my stonewashed Pepe Jeans in my local branch of John Menzies. Me and a couple of my mates were dicking around with the digital speaking dictionaries (relatively new tech at that time, and a potty-mouthed 11 year old boy's dream). Me and my mates were trying every naughty word we could muster, which in itself had us collectively losing our shit, like chimps discovering fire, but it was one dictionary in particular that actually did it. It was glitchy as fuck. We found that if you punched in a repeated number it would send it totally doolally. From memory it sounded like a circuit bent Stephen Hawking climaxing with a strong rural west country accent. Needless to say, that year most of us got speaking dictionaries for Christmas. I reckon our parents thought we were really studious. 
 

edit: when I got back home, I secretly dried my piss sodden jeans with my teenage sister’s brand new hairdryer. 

Edited August 7, 2021 by Plum

[Plum]

I remember another time laughing until the base of the back of my head started to throb, when my friend Mark Heggy Hegarty was quoting Billy Ray about 'farting in the bathtub' and accidentally sharted in the kiddie pool at our newly opened leisure centre. Simpler times. 

[Plum]

More recently, a few years back I saw Primal Scream and just as Bobby Gillespie was making his way on to stage he tripped (only a little trip mind, not a full on 'arse-over-tit' trip or anything) but as he tripped we made eye contact and it was quite intense. Sometimes I randomly think about it and chuckle. I very much doubt he remembers me laughing way too hard throughout the whole gig.  

[usagi]

57 minutes ago, Plum said:

We found that if you punched in a repeated number it would send it totally doolally. From memory it sounded like a circuit bent Stephen Hawking climaxing with a strong rural west country accent.

that sort of thing does me in as well.