so I just blew a phone interview for a job

[Guest my usernames always really suck]

I was doing a phone interview with the hiring manager of the job I applied for when I guess I got nervous and the nervous feeling went down to shake up my bowels. I broke into sweats while my stomach went into pins and needles. I had to shit.

 

Still on the phone I ran to the toilet and hastily pulled my pants completely off my legs while doing some question-and-answer thing about unit testing and source code control.

 

I had to be quiet, and hoped I could make a silent, stealthy shit while discussing my qualifications, experience, and why I'm a strong fit for the job. So trying to keep my ass quiet I spread my legs out wide open, thinking that it'd be less likely to make a fart sound than if my legs were closer together (the idea being my asshole would be wider opened and the sphincter wouldn't be able to resonate a fart sound from the gas). But there was so much shit from the three slices of pizza I ate last night that it gushed out without even having to apply muscle pressure in my bowels. The toilet bowl amplified the acoustics of the howling, rumbling fart and even the force of the shit flying out of my ass made loud splats that even drowned out the long, ten second fart that I was trying to muffle.

 

There was a moment of awkward, uncomfortable silence on the phone that felt like an eternity before the interviewer just hung up on me and so far hasn't been answering my e-mails I've been sending since morning.

 

So uh, does anyone here have any buddies looking to hire a talented C++ developer?

[Alzado]

[Guest Mr Salads]

Yeah, phone interviews. Man.

[Guest abusivegeorge]

LOL

[Atop]

hehehehe, fuck! good luck man....

[Guest Benedict Cumberbatch]

fucking lol! why are you emailing this guy? let it go (like you did the pizza)

[Guest my usernames always really suck]

I actually had to shit during my in-person interview when I interviewed for my last job back in 2007, and that was because I had a big fat bacon hamburger at Red Robin the previous night. I went to the toilet and the shit was a light-brown, two feet long and had these many little black chunks in them like it was a long brown piece of chocolate chip cookie dough. It took me longer to wipe my ass than it did to shit that thing, so the interview went 30 minutes overtime. But I landed the job anyway.

[Guest assegai]

You would have been better off hanging up and saying you got disconnected or something. Oh well, can't change the past. Hit craigslist!

[Guest idrn]

well if i were an employer i certainly wouldn't employ someone who doesn't have the decency or soundness of mind to just excuse themselves for one minute. i mean, imagine you were in a meeting with a client and that happened. would just sit there grimacing, shifting from cheek to cheek and then shitting yourself? or would excuse yourself the minute your explosive bowels started growling?

[Guest maantecaaa!!!]

I say call him back and deny whatever he 'thought' he heard. Really unprofessional of him to just hang up.

[doorjamb]

bummer

 

(get it?)

[Guest abusivegeorge]

Yea got to agree that it was unprofessional of him to have hung up! I would have found it funny.

 

Tell him it was your cat.

[Guest idrn]

oh yeah, i forgot my lol during that uppity telling off. LOL

[Guest boo]

well if i were an employer i certainly wouldn't employ someone who doesn't have the decency or soundness of mind to just excuse themselves for one minute. i mean, imagine you were in a meeting with a client and that happened. would just sit there grimacing, shifting from cheek to cheek and then shitting yourself? or would excuse yourself the minute your explosive bowels started growling?

*jots it down*

 

no shitting during phone interviews

[Braintree]

If they're not comfortable listening to you shit, then you don't work for those highfalutin bastards anyway!

[Meadows and Labyrinths]

HOLY FUCKING JOHN CANDY

 

LOL

[Guest uelogy]

Dude u need to chill the fuckout and get those nerves under control. Repress the nerves : believe ur the most charasmatic fuck around : woo them : then hang up and shit or do whatever one does when nervous. Has worked for me 6/6 times.

[YEK]

joyrex? is that you? say "yes" if you can hear me alrighT?

[Guest abusivegeorge]

yes

[YEK]

thank god

[Capsaicin]

It is better to have ended it like this than any other way

[Guest Franklin]

i think one of the lessons here is to not eat stuff that will affect your shitting right before important meetings or interviews

[Bubba69]

dude, why didn't you hold your hand over the receiver? Or make something up about what the sound was, like you were moving furniture or something.

[Meadows and Labyrinths]

dude, why didn't you hold your hand over the receiver? Or make something up about what the sound was, like you were moving furniture or something.

 

LET GO OF THE PAST

[essines]

why can't you people shit like a normal person. if a burger does that to you you're a fucking pussy faggot.