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Guest Calx Sherbet

By Guest Calx Sherbet
in General Banter

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cruising for burgers Grand Master

cruising for burgers

Posted
Posted

Heather: How y'all doin 2nite?

 

Auron86: whats up?

 

Heather: n/m just feelin a little down

 

Auron86: whats wrong???

 

Heather: bad day :( got a rejection letter an my dog died

 

Auron86: awwwww :(

 

Heather: yeah it sux

 

Auron86: what was your rejection letter from a boyd friend?

 

Heather: lol no silly from a college

 

Auron86: lol

 

Heather: I dont have a boyfriend :(

 

Auron86: lol u want a boyfriend :P

 

Heather: I dont know :P If hes cute

 

Auron86: girls say im cute at work

 

Heather: Where do you work?

 

Auron86: circuit city

 

Heather: oooh you must be smart

 

Auron86: lol i guess my iq is like 165 I think

 

Heather: :O

 

Auron86: lol tell me about you

 

Heather: I'm from Corpus Christi, I was a cheerleader but I was like the nerdy cheerleader

 

Auron86: I bet ur hot

 

Heather: I don't know :( I'm really into videogames and Final Fantasy

 

Auron86: lol cool what do u look like????

 

Heather: I'm a ditzy blonde

 

Auron86: lol

 

Heather: Im in good shape but my boobs are a little too big they get in the way XP

 

Auron86: mmm sounds hot

 

Heather: what about you what do you look like?

 

Auron86: Im 6'1" pretty big guy but im really strong

 

Heather: I like a strong man :P

 

Auron86: ap erfect match!!

 

Heather: You're not black are you?

 

Auron86: nope im white

 

Heather: whew okay good

 

Auron86: lol dont like black people?

 

Heather: Not very much but they aren't as bad as Jews

 

Auron86: lol im totally white dont wory babby

 

Heather: That's reassurin, I can't stand to think I might be giving my secrets to those heeb vipers.

 

Auron86: u gonna tell me a secret??

 

Heather: Hmmm, maybe, I don't know if I trust you yet :P

 

Auron86: bnaby you can trust me

 

Heather: maybe later

 

Auron86: whatever u want baby your wish is my commans

 

Heather: ;)

 

Auron86: so what kind of music u like?

 

Heather: oh a little bit of everything

 

Auron86: lol havy metal?

 

Heather: awww that reminds me of my lil sis :(

 

Auron86: whats wrong???

 

Heather: she's just a little baby and last week she was sleeping in her crib and one of our ferrets got in the crib with her and chewed off her nose.

 

Auron86: OMG

 

Heather: Yeah it was really horrible. I had to get it out from under the refrigerator with a broom, but it was all gnawed up and nasty.

 

Auron86: thats fucking crazy!!!

 

Heather: We have a lot of ferrets and daddy said he was gonna drown them all after that

 

Auron86: that is fucked up

 

Heather: put them in a bag and drown them and you know what I dont care

 

Auron86: so what did they do about her nose?

 

Heather: that's what reminded me. My mom tried to knit a nose with a little strap to go over her head, but it ended up my daddy made one out of tin and it sort of hooks in there to her skull-face

 

Auron86: im so sorry :(

 

Heather: I'm bringing the mood down, let's talk about something else.

 

Auron86: are u a virgin???

 

Heather: that's very forward!

 

Auron86: lol j/k

 

Heather: no it's okay, I am a virgin but I've done oral sex before

 

Auron86: mmm that sounds hot

 

Heather: I practiced a lot on a broom handle

 

Auron86: did u get splinters??

 

Heather: no silly it was plastic it was a swiffer and then I asked my minister about it and he let me try it on him

 

Auron86: OMFG! girl u are crazy

 

Heather: I've calmed down a lot I was only 9 when I did that

 

Auron86: ummmmm how old are u now?

 

Heather: I just turned 18 :D

 

Auron86: so ur legal

 

Heather: totally

 

Auron86: Im 22 but I just wanted to make sure I wasnt in one of those tv shows I am not into kids

 

Heather: Kids have turned me off ever since my accident

 

Auron86: ???

 

Heather: long story, no biggie

 

Auron86: tell me

 

Heather: Oh I just had a few too many hard lemonades at Kylie's party last summer and I hit a kid on his bike and was charged with vehicular manslaughter

 

Heather: I mean wtf was a 11 year old doing riding his bike at like midnight??? come on!

 

Auron86: omg

 

Heather: yeah, it sucked big time, they suspended my license and now I can't drive anywhere on my own. I've hated kids ever since.

 

Auron86: I guess so

 

Heather: so are you trying to seduce me Auron?

 

Auron86: u can call me brian

 

Auron86: and maybe ;P

 

Auron86: was that true about the kid?

 

Heather: Unfortunately it is true brian but I moved past it so forget that ancient history

 

Auron86: its okay we all make mistakes

 

Heather: Yeah, like filing my teeth

 

Auron86: what does that mean?

 

Heather: oh no big whoop y'all, I just filed my teeth down to points for a play I was in

 

Auron86: didn't that hurt?!?!

 

Heather: oh yeah a ton and it looks really scary right now if I smile but im gettin them capped

 

Auron86: do they get cavetes?

 

Heather: yeah, I got a really bad abscess in my jaw and had to go on anitbiotic and painkillers

 

Auron86: u ok now?

 

Heather: all better :D but i am addicted to painkillers now :(

 

Auron86: i done oxy before

 

Heather: yeah, it's a lot like oxy

 

Auron86: maybe we could hook up and do it together baby

 

Heather: I'd love that but fyi its morphine injections not oxy

 

Auron86: with a needle???

 

Heather: of course silly, like Sherlock Holmes

 

Auron86: maybe not then but you could still try out those skills from the broom handle ;D

 

Heather: lol you are so dirty, don't you worry about sin?

 

Auron86: baby im a sinner!!!

 

Auron86: i dont believe in the bible but if you do thats cool

 

Heather: I don't believe in Christianity but I am a dragon

 

Auron86: a dragon?

 

Heather: Oh yeah, y'all. I am a prismatic dragon from Tothor, an elder male named Surlakk.

 

Auron86: I thought you said you were a cheerleader

 

Heather: Definitely I am that too I am a changeling. I am connected to my dragon self by the crystal I wear around my neck and I can take the form of Surlakk when I need it.

 

Auron86: like do you pick when you change forms?

 

Heather: Usually, but if I feel like I'm in danger I sometimes change forms

 

Auron86: that is awesome

 

Heather: The last time I changed was when that bat bit me on my face

 

Auron86: lol what

 

Heather: Bat done got up in our attic and mom made me chase it out with the broom before it turned into an infestation

 

Auron86: did you get it?

 

Heather: yeah, I got it alright, right in the face! scratches and bites all over

 

Auron86: ouch :*(

 

Heather: hurt more when I realized I was coming down with a case of the rabies

 

Auron86: did the doctor give u a shot in ur cute butt?

 

Heather: no the thing with rabies is you got to just ride it out, I'm a couple days away from the worst of it

 

Auron86: uh well good luck

 

Heather: you know who jamie lee curtis is?

 

Auron86: yes

 

Heather: she's got this thing called testicular feminization and she looks just like a beautiful woman but she has testicles inside her

 

Heather: I have that same condition, but you can't tell or anything unless you palpate my perineum

 

******Auron86 has disconnected

 

Heather: but she's so beautiful!

 

Heather: didn't you see True Lies?

wow that was GOLD

 

heather = you

right???

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Macca Veteran

Macca

Posted
Posted

wow that was GOLD

 

heather = you

right???

 

fucking lol

 

no I didn't do that one myself, a friend of mine did it years ago and gave me a text file (he claims he did it, *shrugs)

 

I was just pasting it to a friend lol, hence how I had it on my Cntrl V :D

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cruising for burgers Grand Master

cruising for burgers

Posted
Posted

wow that was GOLD

 

heather = you

right???

 

fucking lol

 

no I didn't do that one myself, a friend of mine did it years ago and gave me a text file (he claims he did it, *shrugs)

 

I was just pasting it to a friend lol, hence how I had it on my Cntrl V :D

oh my, the chewed baby's nose oh my wtf lol

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Macca Veteran

Macca

Posted
Posted

<Zybl0re> get up

<Zybl0re> get on up

<Zybl0re> get up

<Zybl0re> get on up

<phxl|paper> and DANCE

* nmp3bot dances :D-<

* nmp3bot dances :D|-<

* nmp3bot dances :D/-<

<[sA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

 

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk

<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first

<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out

<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh

<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?

<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?

<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.

<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now

<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure

<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this

<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.

quit: (DeadMansHand)

<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day

<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts

join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)

<PeteRepeat> fucking ken

<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot

<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.

<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.

<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.

quit: (PeteRepeat)

<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.

<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

 

 

 

 

 

 

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

(story of wattum this one xD)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me

GarbageStan23: why?

Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!

GarbageStan23: oh shit!

Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever

Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

 

 

 

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z

<JonTG> wait, shit

 

 

 

 

<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”

<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.

<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

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Macca Veteran

Macca

Posted
Posted

let's all go to bash.org any ctrl+v everything here

 

 

 

Krzysztof Penderecki

this would make sense if I were on bash, sadly just posting an amusing compilation textfile that I found in my folder due to the fun thread :rolleyes:

 

I think those are all I have anyhow :/

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Macca Veteran

Macca

Posted
Posted

wow that was GOLD

 

heather = you

right???

 

fucking lol

 

no I didn't do that one myself, a friend of mine did it years ago and gave me a text file (he claims he did it, *shrugs)

 

I was just pasting it to a friend lol, hence how I had it on my Cntrl V :D

oh my, the chewed baby's nose oh my wtf lol

did a quick google of some sentences from it just out of curiosity and it landed me here

 

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/icq-pranks/dream-girl-blackjack.php?page=1

 

clearly not my mate that did it then :cisfor:

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Dragon Grand Master

Dragon

Posted
Posted

How To Watch The Rugrats Opening

 

The opening to Rugrats, played at the start of every show, is more fun when watched in this manner. (Note: Items marked "CC" is what the closed-captioning says when it happens.)

 

1. The "flying diaper", plopping back, somehow, on Tommy.

 

2. Tommy walks, and falls.

 

3. (CC: [Gasp])Cut to the mechanical cat, then the wide view of the living room .PAY ATTENTION to Phil & Lil, and Chuckie, going towards each other.

 

4. Phil, Lil, and Chuckie meet.

 

5. (CC: [Kids Laughing] (some episodes)) When the mechanical cat is in the foreground, keep an eye on Phil & Lil in the background; Phil climbs on the desk and knocks over the phone (Lil also runs and pulls the cord). Then, the cat gets a squirt of milk from Tommy's bottle.

 

6. Cut to Angelica and Spike with grown-up clothes, then Chuckie riding the vacuum cleaner.

 

7. The vacuum snags on the door, opening up the bag and getting dirt all over Angelica.

 

8. Chuckie loses control of the vacuum, colliding with a wall, and ending up wearing a wastebasket on his head.

 

9. Stu and Didi walk in; Didi picks up Tommy.

 

10. (CC: "Captioning Sponsored by the U.S. Department of Education" (Chanukah episode has "Nickelodeon" instead of the D.O.E.)) A shot of all the Rugrats; keep an eye on Angelica as she gets the last of the dust off herself.

 

11. Tommy squirts his bottle at the "audience", forming the Rugrats logo.

 

When the intro is viewed in this manner, you experience some kind of flow in the action, from start to finish.

 

HOW THE FUCK DID THAT GET IN MY CLIPBOARD

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Guest Deep Fried Everything

Guest Deep Fried Everything

Posted
Posted

We have an opening on our product team for a full-time Quality Assurance and Trainer position. This person will work on a very exciting product that is rapidly growing in the apartment industry.

 

Requirements and responsibilities:

- Minimum 2 years experience testing software products

- Minimum of 1 year training and/or providing system demos to end-users

- Ability to develop and implement test plans

- Strong documentation skills

- Ability to work with product development team and also client operations team

- Participate in road map of product design

- Participate in roll out of new releases

- Fundamental knowledge of software development life cycle

- Ability to develop curriculum for training

- Excellent communication (verbal and written) skills

- Software development

- Bachelor degree required

 

Benefits of working at Yield Technologies

- Competitive salary

- Healthcare

- 401K

- Work from home on Fridays

- Great office location in the Loop

- Young, exciting company with excellent growth opportunities

 

Please respond to this ad if interested.

 

 

Location: Loop

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