6am this morning woke up to the boiler pissing out water everywhere, had to mop up kitchen floor, bleed the radiators and fiddle about with this tiny little awkwardly-placed lever in aformentioned boiler - all whilst just wearing my boxer shorts. then i got to go to work. work actually wasn't too bad. quite enjoyed it today in fact. head home around 5ish (in a reasonably good mood by this point) and am happily trundling my way home on the district line when we're all rudely booted off at putney bridge with no explanation apart from "problems in the wimbledon area". ended up on a very crowded number 93 bus and eventually got off not too far from home, feeling slightly dejected but only about 20 minutes off schedule. i am meant to be meeting my girlfriend (who is bringing the car) near the station so we can go pick up the rather alarming amount of missed deliveries we have had in the past week. i've already let her know i'm going to be a bit late, so call to get her to come get me and find out that the car won't start. totally dead. so i'm fucking walking home thinking i've really got to get some weed because i'm about to kill some fucker, but i need the car to go get it. ok, i can also walk down to south wimbledon, get on the northern line and do that instead but i'm not sure i can handle it. i decide to go home and fix the car (i've convinced myself at this point that my girlfriend is just being useless and the car will start 1st time for me), then drive over and pick up some green. i walk through my front door in a purposeful mood, change out of my suit and head down to the car. doesn't start. i diagnose the car with a starter-motor problem due to the cold even though i haven't opened the bonnet. i'm convinced it's nothing to do with the battery - it's pretty new [the battery], car has been regularly used and serviced recently. what i need is a big bit of wood to hit the starter-motor with (sticky starter-motor - ask abusivegeorge, he'll tell you). my girfriend suggests my baseball bat which is perfect but slightly annoying as i didn't think of that. anyway, i open the bonnet, hit what i hope is the starter-motor for a bit with absolutely no result, then claim i have the wrong-shaped bit of wood. i decide to try bump-starting the car - easy peasy. you would think. i've only got a nissan micra, probably only weighs about as much as a large seal or two. i can push, my girfriend can steer and pop the clutch. she assured me she understood the mechanics of bump-starting a car. i mentioned not having to turn the key, just turn the ignition on, pop the clutch etc - didnt want to be patronising and assume she didn't understand, so did not explain in detail. she said she knew how to do it. i start to push the car which turns out to be incredibly difficult with the handbrake engaged. i calmly request she takes the handbrake off whilst wondering if this is such a good idea, and after much huffing and puffing manage to get the car positioned towards the slight decline leading out of our car-park. this is it - pretty much got one shot at it - after the decline leading out of the car-park, there is a slight rise which we will get stuck in if the car fails to start - i am hopeful that the momentum of the car, plus the bump and jolt forward when she dumps the clutch will be enough to get up the slight rise, but concerned about the large van approximately 20 yards in front of where we're pointing. i again ask if she knows what she's doing: "got it in 2nd?" - "yep!", "ignition on? clutch in?" - "yep, all good!" ok, so i push - it's hard going. the ground is icy - i can't get good purchase and need good purchase to gain speed. i don't give up, give it everything and get onto the decline - it's working, the car starts to roll forward and pick up speed.... "now!" i shout. nothing. "NOW!" nothing. "what are you doing??" "i'm turning it! i'm turning it!" turning it? it think...fucking TURNING IT?? "turning what?" "the key!!" so things got a bit ugly after that and the car was stuck in the dip blocking the entrace to the resident's car park. she called her mum. this eventually led to finding out we were covered by green flag breakdown service. a reticent black man in a large truck arrived after about an hour and had the car started within 5 minutes. turns out it was a flat battery. on the plus side he recommended taking the car for a spin to help recharge the battery, so i went and purchased some goblin. currently drinking port and am now in a good mood again unfortunately it's like past midnight and i should be in bed but i can't because i'm all wired from the earlier stress. i'm hoping another joint and large glass of ruby port will knock me out.
