Try acute, undiagnosed/misdiagnosed complex-ptsd, left completely unmedicated (or self medicated) for decades & a near fatal car wreck on top. Auditory hallucinations beyond full on, semi-hypnagogic, so you’d feel yourself nodding off to sleep then a clear voice would blast announce “everything is progressing, not far from level 7”, which as I understand it now was partial recollections of surgeons talking during an 11 hour operation to save my pelvis & legs.
The worst of it was being awake for 4/5 days completely unable to sleep, in & out of psych wards dissociating, hallucinating aggressively, fighting other patients hourly. Mid 2014 - late 2018. Bags of haloperidol and antipsychotics didn’t tame it. I could see shadows flickering through the cracks of doorways &, worst of all, shadow cats that would gather in groups, lurking & loping around when the light were off, red eyes beaming in the dark. Monstrous.
At the pinnacle of the abyss while wrestling Choronzon every second of every minute, my Dad got a terminal cancer diagnosis of the spine & passed away quickly less than 3 months post-diagnosis. Just quick enough that you were always behind the curve and slow enough for its horror to completely engulf us. Choronzon loved that, so I took him on with magick. Final score 1-1.
Trauma, chronic sleep deprivation & institutionalised Cuckoo nests will take you deeper & further out than any hallucinogen. Only after you’ve crossed the abyss can say you truly know your own soul. EMDR reprocessed most of the more malignant traumatic experiences but it’s still there, lurking, waiting for me to fuck up. So instead of magick I’m doing a PhD on traumatic stress services in the SW of England, so others don’t have to encounter the deepest recesses of the pit as fully due to lack of support & fragmented services that pass as care.
From matrix to map.