oyster Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babar Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Do you like the first paragraph of the novel I'm writing the beauty of my soul what do you write for ? edit : or why do you write for *strokes mustache* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beatfanatic Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 i like the first paragraph like I like to like novels man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tec Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 It was alright until the beauty of my soul bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redruth Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 are you looking for constructive criticism? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaini Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 you will not finish this novel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyster Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 are you looking for constructive criticism? criticize away you will not finish this novel. you're probably right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cryptowen Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 The descriptive metaphors are as densely packed as Cheez-It crumbs in the fat roll crease of an obese shirtless man who has given up on the pursuit of happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaosmachine Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 it's better than the first paragraph of my novel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redruth Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 how about this: It's like I'm walking in some kind of diseased rainforest with the blood of natives raining down on me. Of course it's just the rainstorms while walking through my quaint little hometown. My mind is in such a mangled state. I stop at a gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me 'bud' and I smile at him like I smile at oncoming traffic. Cute girls smile at me, while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. None of them, including this bothersome clerk recognize the beauty in my soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaini Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEK Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 misunderstood genius, ahead of his time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCM Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sup Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 it was good but my teaching in english class said u shouldnt use ' words when your writing a paper so u should do like i'm = i am and don't = donut Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jim Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " lol lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaini Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lumpenprol Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 so...is that troon's first constructive post? Kaini is right, it could qualify for Bulwer-Lytton, you should submit... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyster Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick. Honestly, how the fuck did you know about the German chick? misunderstood genius, ahead of his time Thanks! Glad you enjoyed. " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " lol Thanks! Glad you enjoyed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyster Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick. Honestly, how the fuck did you know about the German chick? From: "Kathrin LAST NAME REMOVED" Hi Drew, oh thats so nice to get this mail from you,... I was happy to get news from you because you didn't answer my first mail,...! sorry that you took your such precious time to write me a mail,...well I'm really busy at the moment and I don't like to communicate with people writing me e-mails like you did! I think your last mail is just ridiculous. Maybe you should think before you write something like this and don't act like an impatient child! Good luck! Am 18.10.2011 um 21:13 schrieb Drew Kent: Dear Rude Hussy, Shame on you and your behavior. Your utter malice and lack of caring really gets my blood boiling, and I thought you ought to know that. I took time out of my busy schedule to write you an in-depth response to your inquiries to that awful 'Tegan' about my Whatsgoingsons. And how do you repay me for my kindness? You snub me completely. Well Ms., I think I speak for all of society when I say I hope there is a special place in Hell for people like you. With Love, Drew Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essines Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 pls asplain. also i thought i had you on ffabf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luke viia Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 lol @ the german girl emails "It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " can one really walk down the rainforest? and liquid hail? cmon Pod. the sentence that starts with 'He calls me bud' is grammatically atrocious, and this first paragraph of your book is merely way too full of merelys. also, nobody likes an egotistical soul. in other words i merely enjoyed your story, the rain merely came down like powdered mist at a distance of exactly 20 feet away from a diseased whale's blowhole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dilbthelame Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 worthless opinion (some of these i actually mean): - how do you walk "down" a rainforest? thru, surely? - the very first phrase in your novel is "it's like" which makes me as the reader think i'm listening to yetafuckingnother teenager talking about something they can't articulate properly... does not bode entirely well for rest of ~200 pages. -liquid hail is rain, no? -more commas, use correctly - if you are on a mere bicycle, surely the traffic zooms past you. if indeed it is you doing the zooming, it is much safer to ride with both hands attached to handlebars, not flashing peace signs willy-nilly (not to mention while smiling instead of watching the road). just a thought. - also that sentence with all the smiling was too long and my attention span too short to remember what you were talking about by the time i got to the end of it much like this one actually. - i agree about the beauty of the soul bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luke viia Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 we wrote the exact same post at the exact same time :sup: merely gratuitous misuse of the word exact Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dilbthelame Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 ah, you got there first. i recognise (and bow to) the beauty of your soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Root5 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. That should be a period or a semicolon. It can't be a comma. You can't use a comma to divide between two independent clauses. Well I guess you could artistically but this just reads like a mistake. But keep it up man, and all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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