manmower Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 A beautiful story how one man's charity work turned into a global consumerist shitfest. my thoughts EXACTLY. And a master class on how to spin paedophilia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tec Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 He's definitely struggling now, there's not a chance in hell he will be sending these out next year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T3551ER Posted December 17, 2018 Author Share Posted December 17, 2018 "Hopefully the message from yesterday's text got through okay. Ensuring proper grammar gets kind of tricky in a long text. But moving on...in looking over all the texts I've sent out I had to ask myself, "When is Christmas?" Originally it was celebrated on the feast of St. Nicholas on December 6th. Then the early Christian fathers, in an effort to integrate the pagan and Christian faiths made a decision to commemorate the birth of Christ to coincide with pagan celebration of the winter solstice circa December 20-23rd. In the year 336 the Roman empower Constantine put his stamp on the official date of December 25th. The early Dutch settlers in America continued that date and put out their clogs on Christmas Eve to collect their bounty on Christmas morning. Many Orthodox and Coptic Christians still use the Julian calendar and so celebrate Christmas on January 7th, which coincides with December 25th on the Roman calendar. So back to my original question, "When is Christmas?" The best that I can figure, whatever actual date you choose to celebrate it, Christmas is when you open your heart to all the love and blessings that this life and that all seasons afford." And then: "Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots? He was picking his nose What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp and even What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with a duck? A Christmas quacker" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Mughnus Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cichlisuite Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 The rush? Backward adaptation? Stay tuned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T3551ER Posted December 19, 2018 Author Share Posted December 19, 2018 So, as tec noticed, the Father In Law Advent Calendar Countdown of Horror texts have kind of dried up (thankfully). However, did have a FIL related text/phone experience over the weekend that I hope warms the cockles of your hearts as it did mine. I decided to write it (vaguely) to the scheme of "A Visit from St Nick" because. .. I don't know. Boredom.I had just settled down on the couch for a breakRed Dead Redemption was on the TV (4k. It's great)When all of a sudden a message appeared on my phoneIt was my father in law on the line"Oh, fuckstick" I groanedI let it go to voicemail (of course)Holstered my gun, and jumped on my horseMaybe I'd hunt a rabbit or twoI know that the camp needs meat for the stewBut then a buzz and a ring I did hearThe sounds of Afffeeexxxxxxx rang out clear [editors note: my ringtone is AFX 237 v7]Bad news on the screen! A text had come in:"Urgent! Urgent! Call me ASAP. . . Important!" and thenI checked the voicemail my FIL had leftHe sounded concerned, a bit out of breathe"[REDACTED] it's [REDACTED]," he said"It's critical you call me!" (is somebody dead?!)"If you don't get ahold, keep calling me backEvery 10 minutes, until we connect"Befuddled, and flustered, and all out of sortsI rang him back up, and missed him (of course)I left him a message and tried to be calmWhat could have happened? What had gone wrong?He called me again, I answered this timeExpecting some sad news, I prepared my mindFor catastrophe, calamity, some dire bad shit...."T3, when are you and [REDACTED] coming here for Christmas?!!!"I fumbled and stuttered, got out a few wordsLike, "uh" and "um" and I felt my cheeks burnAnd then I reflected on how this was hatchedA plot to manipulate, confuse and snatchAn answer he wanted from the jaws of confusionIt was a straight up Trump move ("No Collusion!")So, I took a deep breathe, I filled up my lungsPrepared to be kind, to undo what he'd doneShow calm in the face of emotional trapsTo turn a cheek, to not try to hit backThen I felt a slither, a subtle sine slideAs if a shadow had come out Growing from the inside andIBegan, to shift, shudder and shake, like an epilepticSnake, said:“Don’t worry it’s a just fit, befit to send shit down the chimney on your holidayBetter watch the hollandaiseTurning into a brown sauce (call it brown glaze)I got a Autistic gazeShooting gamma rays At your noggin, like a broke eggKnock your yoke/yolk sidewaysTec noticed you goin’ soft on your Text chain, so I brought a Tec-nineSinging “darlin’ won’t you be mine”As I’m shootin’ up your ass in the daytime (daytime)Calling you a feline (pussy)And the next timeT3 the Terror will make you go gray [Deadpool pulls off his mask and goes “BOO”]Oh heyI’m sorry your urgency felt a little like insurgency and it’s burnin’ me into a sparkshower fury ‘cause I never seen an idiot with such belligerence seed such a lovely family Stop treating every act of request like a catastrophe and Make sure “it’s” uses a correct apostropheThen you and me can come togetherLike Sundance and Butch CassidyBut your more like the Sundowning Kid Screaming for your TV Dragging your progeny into povertyRegenerating lies out of honestyLike a politician zombieHonestly, the whole thing makes me sickFuck the HolidaysSo shitI guess every yin needs a yangTwo tugs on my wangAnd I just blew out your brainClean out your fucking ears(keep an eye out for the cumstain)-T3 December 19, 2018Then, like, Eazy-E comes riding by in a sleigh and says “MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!” and shoots up the whole place and everyone's heads explodes a la scannersHappy Holidays ya’ll! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tec Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 God damn, what a conclusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leon Sumbitches Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 Absolutely fucking incredible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Braintree Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 Top thread. Can't wait for next year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Mughnus Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entorwellian Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 What about Horrible Holiday related literal diarrhea? Because whoa boy dealing with that right now is even worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whosebrian Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 What about Horrible Holiday related literal diarrhea? Because whoa boy dealing with that right now is even worse. same Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entorwellian Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 8 chewable pepto bismol tablets in and I've probably produced enough watery stool to fertilize a whole field of romaine lettuce Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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