Look, it's a fucking pandemic and we're all on edge. We should all be a little more forgiving. But honestly guys, I'm not sure I can recover from this one.
You know how you start a Facebook Live to show your family what kind of fly shit you're up to? Like juggling soaps, braiding loose dog hairs, or just generally strutting around in your robe like you're the king of Atlantic City?
Well today, I was setting up my lighting and tri-pod to do the Facebook Live and I absolutely forgot that I had twisted like 70 rubberbands around my balls as tight as they could go and I was obviously walking around with no pants on just to let them throb and swell. The pain was murder, but you guys know how you get to a certain point and you just cant stop. Anyway, I didn't realize that I was already live on Facebook and all my closest friends and family were like "Dude, you're 45 years old, you've been listening to Aphex Twin for over 20 years, you've had a mega career and you live in a giant mansion with a model wife who begs for anal on the daily, surely you could afford better lighting to showcase those engorged jelly beans?"
And they were right. I'm an amateur grasping at glory and the whole world could see. No place left to go from here but down.