Being socially awkward and uncomfortable

[murve33]

I think part of it is that I'm judgemental, and when I see guys dressed like guidos and girls who wear a 2-foot sheet of vinyl and call it a dress, sloshing about and arguing about who said what to who's other half, puffed chests, shouting to try to have a conversation <--- these things don't really fit with what I want in a social situation, really. I'd like to be able to approach someone and just have a conversation but it's a fucking battleground out there

I have socially awkward issues as well, and this is probably the reason. Pretty much any group I hang out with besides my group from high school makes me feel disconnected. The beer drinking and sports watching men that are my roommates, the pop-music loving stoners who only talk about weed, the chicks in my girlfriends dorm who just talk behind one-another's backs, the nerds who only quote internet culture and devote their life to magic the gathering and have some sort of strange macho insecurity; whenever they talk about anything I have nothing to say in return, and vice versa.

 

I keep saying I just need a different group of people to hang out with, but I feel I just may be incapable of getting along with most people. It's funny because my best friends from high school are all having the exact same problem. Guess we just got lucky finding each other when we did.

[posture]

Don't do what I did and try and solve it with drugs, mainly opiates. At first they will make you extremely extroverted and you won't give a fuck. You will talk to anybody, all social anxiety melts away. But then one day you wake up and find yourself dependent. I've always suffered from social anxiety and never liked the way I felt in my own skin, avoid mirrors all that shit. So yeah, find another solution that drugs. I suppose a few beers aren't bad but idk.

[murve33]

Oh yea, in regards to drugs, I cannot smoke weed with any of these people. They end up talking about dumb shit that I can't connect with and their weed is so strong that I can't get out of my own mind. I'd smoke mine, but it's too strong too, guess it's the town I'm living in and the fact that I only smoke one to two times per week.

 

Having dreads probably draws stoners to me. Need to find people that enjoy smoking weed but aren't stoners.

[Guest box]

no wonder everyone on this website is so awful, you're all autistic!

[jeremymacgregor87]

no wonder everyone on this website is so awful, you're all autistic!

 

introverted?

[Cryptowen]

no wonder everyone on this website is so awful, you're all autistic!

People who find obscure instrumental electronic music on internet forums shouldn't throw stones

[Guest theSun]

Oh yea, in regards to drugs, I cannot smoke weed with any of these people. They end up talking about dumb shit that I can't connect with and their weed is so strong that I can't get out of my own mind. I'd smoke mine, but it's too strong too, guess it's the town I'm living in and the fact that I only smoke one to two times per week.

 

Having dreads probably draws stoners to me. Need to find people that enjoy smoking weed but aren't stoners.

 

crap murve maybe we are the same person. i smoke a ton of weed but i really don't like "stoners". i also had dreads through high school and college (though i didn't smoke til i cut them off) . i also had a pretty close knit group of high school buddies. through college, i reached out and tried to make new friends, only to learn more about these other people and dislike them strongly. seems like my other friends from high school are having similar troubles, and when we all get together it's like 6 years didn't just pass.

 

being in a band helped a lot with being comfortable in music venues, but i generally just don't like to be around crowds of people. plus, if i'm out at night, i'm probably going to have to drive home, so i can't get trashed. there's nothing i despise more than drunk people when i'm not drinking. especially the idiots from my generation

[vamos scorcho]

Social anxiety has been a very serious problem for me, having an effect on all aspects of my life including school and work. Sometimes it borders on 'social paranoia' - thinking everyone is looking at me, laughing at me, etc.

 

I also suffer from plain 'social confusion' and 'social laziness.' Like this weekend I'm supposed to go party and get drunk. Sometimes this is OK but most of the time I would much rather sit at home and do something by myself. I mean, seriously, it's generally a preference for me, a strong one, to be alone. People don't tend to understand that or think that it's abnormal, I don't think it is. I see nothing wrong with admitting to myself that I don't want to talk to a lot of people and that I don't really enjoy being in the presence of people in certain settings.

 

There ARE cycles that people follow and those cycles tend to turn into a form of mental self-peer pressure... you make yourself think you're enjoying it. Well, there might be other ways to go about things... other things to do with people. For me I haven't ventured outside of the shitty 'party circuit' because I'm too scared to go meet people. It's rare that I make a good connection, as most people bore me, take themselves way too seriously (which makes them boring), or don't have much in common intellectually or culturally.

 

 

Parties tend to make me feel inadequate as people are drinking and hitting on women and I tend only to really enjoy myself if I drink a great amount and completely let go. Still, I would like to learn to enjoy talking to others more.

 

So: a combination of:

-boredom

-anxiety (worrying what others think)

-laziness (not wanting to put the effort into enjoying other people)

-not wanting to do small talk or talk about sports

 

amounts to a strong preference towards sitting around, reading, listening to music, making music, watching movies, drawing, and writing, by myself.

 

 

 

 

 

I believe the key issue is to improve self esteem to the point where you no longer let what others think make you think something about yourself in response, unless filtering it in a very clear way to the point where you're sure their opinion should mean something . . . your definition of yourself must come from within, not from the outside in the opinions in others.

 

So if you're a judgmental asshole, embrace that. Don't be so afraid of yourself. In the end the problem is not the anxiety, not "getting laid every night like the dominators," "not being cool," "not being the best," - - - the problem is not accepting yourself for exactly who you are. Because undoubtably everyone would be more happy if they were able to speak to others freely without worrying at all and disregarding the consequences for what they say. I've been practicing this and it has been really helpful... seeing myself holding back from saying things and learning not to.

[chim]

Just don't give a fuck.

[posture]

Social anxiety has been a very serious problem for me, having an effect on all aspects of my life including school and work. Sometimes it borders on 'social paranoia' - thinking everyone is looking at me, laughing at me, etc.

 

I also suffer from plain 'social confusion' and 'social laziness.' Like this weekend I'm supposed to go party and get drunk. Sometimes this is OK but most of the time I would much rather sit at home and do something by myself. I mean, seriously, it's generally a preference for me, a strong one, to be alone. People don't tend to understand that or think that it's abnormal, I don't think it is. I see nothing wrong with admitting to myself that I don't want to talk to a lot of people and that I don't really enjoy being in the presence of people in certain settings.

 

There ARE cycles that people follow and those cycles tend to turn into a form of mental self-peer pressure... you make yourself think you're enjoying it. Well, there might be other ways to go about things... other things to do with people. For me I haven't ventured outside of the shitty 'party circuit' because I'm too scared to go meet people. It's rare that I make a good connection, as most people bore me, take themselves way too seriously (which makes them boring), or don't have much in common intellectually or culturally.

 

 

Parties tend to make me feel inadequate as people are drinking and hitting on women and I tend only to really enjoy myself if I drink a great amount and completely let go. Still, I would like to learn to enjoy talking to others more.

 

So: a combination of:

-boredom

-anxiety (worrying what others think)

-laziness (not wanting to put the effort into enjoying other people)

-not wanting to do small talk or talk about sports

 

amounts to a strong preference towards sitting around, reading, listening to music, making music, watching movies, drawing, and writing, by myself.

 

 

 

 

 

I believe the key issue is to improve self esteem to the point where you no longer let what others think make you think something about yourself in response, unless filtering it in a very clear way to the point where you're sure their opinion should mean something . . . your definition of yourself must come from within, not from the outside in the opinions in others.

 

So if you're a judgmental asshole, embrace that. Don't be so afraid of yourself. In the end the problem is not the anxiety, not "getting laid every night like the dominators," "not being cool," "not being the best," - - - the problem is not accepting yourself for exactly who you are. Because undoubtably everyone would be more happy if they were able to speak to others freely without worrying at all and disregarding the consequences for what they say. I've been practicing this and it has been really helpful... seeing myself holding back from saying things and learning not to.

 

Get out of my head.

 

 

Nah I'm pretty much the same exact way.

 

Just don't give a fuck.

 

Wish I could. Benzos used to make me not give a flying fuck.

 

Oh yea, in regards to drugs, I cannot smoke weed with any of these people. They end up talking about dumb shit that I can't connect with and their weed is so strong that I can't get out of my own mind. I'd smoke mine, but it's too strong too, guess it's the town I'm living in and the fact that I only smoke one to two times per week.

 

Having dreads probably draws stoners to me. Need to find people that enjoy smoking weed but aren't stoners.

 

crap murve maybe we are the same person. i smoke a ton of weed but i really don't like "stoners". i also had dreads through high school and college (though i didn't smoke til i cut them off) . i also had a pretty close knit group of high school buddies. through college, i reached out and tried to make new friends, only to learn more about these other people and dislike them strongly. seems like my other friends from high school are having similar troubles, and when we all get together it's like 6 years didn't just pass.

 

being in a band helped a lot with being comfortable in music venues, but i generally just don't like to be around crowds of people. plus, if i'm out at night, i'm probably going to have to drive home, so i can't get trashed. there's nothing i despise more than drunk people when i'm not drinking. especially the idiots from my generation

 

I also do not like potheads or stoners, but love to smoke myself. I just hate the subculture and hippies.

[beerwolf]

I prefer small groups of people, maybe up to half a dozen, in fact I can excell in such situations, from people from all backgrounds. Big groups of people I hate with a passion, but I don't include gigs in this as everyone is drunk and having a good time and not really giving a fuck about what I am doing lol. If I was too walk into a quietish house party/dinner party/wedding reception, where I know no one, I can start dying slowly inside.

 

The crux of what I hate is small talk. God I hate small talk, especially with boring people who aren't into culture/music/films/politics etc as the conversation is never going to progress anywhere interesting. Sometimes I can look at a load of people and think 'fuck what am I gonna say to you lot, once we have discussed the football scores.''

[gmanyo]

I feel lucky. I tend to be good at parties, although it can be awkward if I don't know anybody. Groups of 2-3 are my favorite.

 

I get claustrophobic in some situations though; the more sensory input, the more confused and anxious I get. If I'm at a concert it's okay because it works with the atmosphere, but at social events I can end up feeling worn out and tired. The worst for me is eating out at restaurants with people whom I have to act polite around. I can barely think and feel like throwing up.

[Candiru]

Just picture everyone naked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then you'll be socially awkward, but also have a surprise boner.

[Guest fiznuthian]

Just my 2 cents here.. I just spent a while typing a really long post about my experience with acne, not loving myself, and how it made me awkward. But this threads not about me so I canned it..

 

Basically here's how it works:

- When socializing you will only get out of it what you put in. Forming relationships with people is a two-way street. You must be interested a person for them to be interested in you. I feigned this for years and got nowhere.

- Feeling at ease requires confidence.. You build confidence by working towards goals, creating accomplishments, pursuing passions and interests, and by finding things about you that you love and expanding upon them. Once you've established a sense of pride, a sense that you can make yourself laugh and enjoy your own company, the presence of other people no matter how many will never bother you again.

- If you do not enjoy the way you look, you must WORK to change it. You may never have the perfect body, but with enough work most anyone can make themselves far more attractive than they started. This is empowering, and helps you sub-consciously behave confidently. I never held my head high pretty much ever in my life until now.. I look great these days and find myself keeping my head up all the time. I smile much more often, because I feel I look fairly good.

- The more you love yourself and do not depend on another human being to keep yours spirits high, people will notice and they will become interested in you.

 

Lastly I want to throw this out there, just in case..

I only just recently this year gave up pornography altogether. Perhaps not for a healthy, socially prominent male, but for anyone else porn is a tricky thing..

I swear to god the shit reprograms the male brain to assume any and every girl you meet or contact is a potential fuckfest. For me, this was a HUGE mental obstacle and would send my heart racing a million miles an hour everytime I try to approach a girl. Since giving up the prons and jacking off much less often (without visual aid), I stopped fantasizing about girls and getting attached to them. I also have a LOT more testosterone rolling through my veins at any given time. This is just pure speculation though, and probably N=1. Just something to consider. Porn is a very, very strong visual stimulus.

[coax]

i feel like it goes up and down with me. Sometimes i can get into the conversation and it'll work, other times they're talking about shit i have no clue about and am not interested in, so i'll end up just sitting there listening. also dislike the slow pace when starting to talk to someone i just met. kinda just gotta make up random shit quickly. generally i just prefer to talk to the ones ive known for years already, guess thats how it is with most people unless you meet someone totally awesome or whatever

[Guest fiznuthian]

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

[Cryptowen]

I actually quite enjoy being around people, even ones I have nothing in common with personality wise. Talking is fun

[jeremymacgregor87]

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out? I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

it depends; most of the time I prefer to be alone, though if I stretch this out too long I get moments where it's like "FUCK, human contact please!". And the times when I am comfortable around a big group of people, I still usually have no interest in actually interacting, but to instead by quite reserved and in the background

 

also, thanks to everyone who's posted, I didn't know if anyone here would've experienced similar things

[Guest fiznuthian]

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out? I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

it depends; most of the time I prefer to be alone, though if I stretch this out too long I get moments where it's like "FUCK, human contact please!". And the times when I am comfortable around a big group of people, I still usually have no interest in actually interacting, but to instead by quite reserved and in the background

 

also, thanks to everyone who's posted, I didn't know if anyone here would've experienced similar things

 

You say you have no interest in interacting. Yet the thread is a discussion of how to be less socially awkward when interacting.

If you were truly not interested in the people around you, their presence would be of little mind..

I think you might be telling yourself that you have no interest, adopting the attitude, only because don't feel very accomplished socially yet. It hurts, and is easier to say fuck it "I just don't care anyways".

A few good, important experiences under your belt, and you might just change your tune in a heartbeat.

 

Not trying to bust your balls here, vert. I know where you're at man, I know it too well maybe. It took a lot of nitpicking from my psychologist to make me realize there are faults in logic.

Shit just keep posting and talking about it.. it does wonders for examining where you stand and working from there.

[Guest iep]

my solution is to be more better and also better looking

 

:sup:

[Guest fiznuthian]

my solution is to be more better and also better looking

 

:sup:

Gah, you just summed up my post in one short sentence. am I watmm's most redundant member? Well done.

 

Here's my attempt to sum up social anxiety..

The desire for validation from another without validating oneself first?

[chim]

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

 

FUCKING THIS. Everybody in this thread is being such fucking retard idm hipsters about such a simple thing as being able to converse with people on a simple level. I had hard times with this myself for a long time, but honestly, it's not that difficult.

[zkreso]

This working on yourself thing sounds like a lot of work to me. Would you say it's worth the effort?

[Guest fiznuthian]

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

 

FUCKING THIS. Everybody in this thread is being such fucking retard idm hipsters about such a simple thing as being able to converse with people on a simple level. I had hard times with this myself for a long time, but honestly, it's not that difficult.

 

Yeah, it took a LONG time battling and arguing my way into corners with a neuropsychologist who absolutely knows her shit.. to realize I couldn't argue with myself anymore.

Truth is social anxiety seems to be a disorder where people develop vast libraries of harsh, negative self-talk..

Instead of approaching a social challenge saying "I can try this, maybe I will succeed" a person with social anxiety will frame it. "They would not like me. I will fail anyways" and this becomes something you reinforce actively. Unfortunately when you are so used to downing yourself about everything it's next to impossible to project confident body language to just about anyone. People with social anxiety assume others think more about them than they do. I feel this at the core, is the desire to be validated. To have someone say, "Yes, I like who you are, I like the way you look, and I like what you do."

People with social anxiety can also be very hypocritical about it.. I know because I did it too. Desiring contact from social butterflies hoping, just hoping that they want to interact with you and that you will somehow magically change yourself by being around them more. But when the tables turn, and those social butterflies won't call you because you "like to be alone" and "do not enjoy social settings" ya get bent out of shape about it and unsettled.

[Guest fiznuthian]

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

 

FUCKING THIS. Everybody in this thread is being such fucking retard idm hipsters about such a simple thing as being able to converse with people on a simple level. I had hard times with this myself for a long time, but honestly, it's not that difficult.

 

Yeah, it took a LONG time battling and arguing my way into corners with a neuropsychologist who absolutely knows her shit.. to realize I couldn't argue with myself anymore.

Truth is social anxiety seems to be a disorder where people develop vast libraries of harsh, negative self-talk..

Instead of approaching a social challenge saying "I can try this, maybe I will succeed" a person with social anxiety will frame it. "They would not like me. I will fail anyways" and this becomes something you reinforce actively. Unfortunately when you are so used to downing yourself about everything it's next to impossible to project confident body language to just about anyone. People with social anxiety assume others think more about them than they do. I feel this at the core, is the desire to be validated. To have someone say, "Yes, I like who you are, I like the way you look, and I like what you do."

People with social anxiety can also be very hypocritical about it.. I know because I did it too. Desiring contact from social butterflies hoping, just hoping that they want to interact with you and that you will somehow magically change yourself by being around them more. But when the tables turn, and those social butterflies won't call you because you "like to be alone" and "do not enjoy social settings" ya get bent out of shape about it and unsettled.

 

Oh and can't tell you how many times I have turned down invitations in my life to go out and do things that you know, are actually fun!

But instead I declined and made up excuses, only to stay home and jerk off to some porn and play video games.

"I just don't like parties" is what I told myself, when the desire to party was still there it just seemed scary.