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Candiru

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Candiru last won the day on October 31 2019

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About Candiru

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    United States

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    Male
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    Red Sox/Patriots/Bruins Land aka Beantown
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    INterEstS

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  1. Bernie Sanders is actually a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Imagine a waffle cone with two scoops of Phish food handling the nuclear codes as incense wafts through the air and a personal comfort indigenous child sits at its side, singing in a language spoken by less than 3,000 people. Mandated, licensed, and registered teddy bears, weed dispensaries on the moon, tax breaks for interracial same sex polyamorous marriages, and solar powered artificial meat zeppelins siphoning our defense funds. Monsanto will develop artificial human steak as a happy accident on the way to creating standardized androgynous sex clones and it will revolutionize custom erotic dining as a luxury pastime for the increasingly nefarious upper class. And it would still be better than what’s happening now.
  2. Not true. In April of 2011 I attended a bakers’ competition where countless bakers across the country submitted their finest pastry creations. One guy thought for sure he was the winner. He had some kind of maple glazed croissant with a pistachio nut butter filling. Truly an ambitious contribution. When it came time for a judge to sample it, he twitched in anticipation, only to be utterly emotionally destroyed by the judge’s response. “Dude. FUCK YOU. This shit is too moist. Get out of my sight you peasant.” I thought it was uncalled for really. But the baker took it a step further by dropping trou on the spot and pinching a seriously revolting loaf with corn in it. The auditorium fell silent and the pastry judge stared, mouth agape, in abject terror, as if he knew he would be forced to sample that as well. Pretty sure he did, tbqfh
  3. People sure do have a lot of big ideas. I fully understand the desire to get a super progressive agenda in there. I want what Canada has. I want what the rest of the free world has. That said, I wish Klobuchar had Biden’s poll numbers because she’s normal and legit and isn’t promising Candyland and Sugar Plum Fairies that will die in the senate. She’s also not old AF. Both of those things would likely mean two more easy terms for a Dem.
  4. It’s an interesting factoid that he has the same name and was also a pro wrestler. His son/self is a celebrity imo
  5. A lot will happen this year. Stay frosty and think strategically. We just need a dem to win(not Tulsi Gabbard though) no matter what. Don’t get too attached to Bernie.
  6. Never thought I’d hear a brain dance cover of Champagne Supernova, but I’m in.
  7. A chicken lays an egg, eats it, shits it out, eats it, shits it out again, eats it, etc. until it dies. Then another chicken eats the remains, layz another chicken, that chicken lays an egg and inside of it is the new BoC album. Martin Shkreli is in prison, trying to figure out a way to buy it to take the place of the Wu Tang album after it was seized by the US government. He does not succeed, so he settles for Moby’s neck tattoo. The egg winds up in the hands of our hero as he treks his way to Mordor. Good thing he is accompanied by a plucky sidekick in the form of a career revitalizing performance from Edward Furlong as a lovesick political refugee with nefarious motives and a knack for chainsaw juggling. The saga begins this summer in select theaters.
  8. I’ve written full, pre-release album reviews by listening to low bitrate mp3s through tin cans and string. Published by The New Yorker, The Atlantic, Fantano, and the Wall Street Journal.
  9. Reminds me of the time I had a vegetarian try to sell me on the whole thing while smoking cigarettes.
  10. It’s more interesting than Currywurst, I did eat that three times though.
  11. Hannah Gadsby, a stand up comedian from Australia with a special called Nanette, where she talks about being a lesbian in super conservative Tasmania and how she was raped. More of a confessional than stand up comedy, but it got popular and created a bunch of think pieces about how she was going to change stand up comedy forever.
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