This place makes me sick and makes me revolve into old patterns and I simply can't do any good decision while I'm here. I need to move to a different place. Germany is boring and expensive, probably even more so than the US (except the US is more expensive). I'd be a good US citizen if I was rich but I'm not. I should move abroad, probably to South America because I only speak German and English and they have German breweries but even though I drink a lot of beer I don't like it because it tastes like piss. Asian beer is okay, Asians seem to have a better taste in everything compared to Western cultures so I should probably move there but I'm an unskilled motherfucker. I don't even particularly like my family, they are all assholes, including myself. It's all fake. Everything. This text is a parody of what I'm truly feeling. It's a joke. I don't want to be here anymore. I have to do something with my life, my time is running out...I'm 27 years old and this is the best I could come up with? This is not even funny anymore, it's sad. It's pathetic. I've wasted so much time and energy on being an asshole. I only make wrong decisions. I spend my money on silly things like expensive but low quality food. All I want is a lot of sex with beautiful people but I'm not attractive enough to get it and not rich enough to pay for it. And after all, it always leaves me with a feeling of lack and inadequacy when I'm lucky enough to get it. I only get successful when I start a new and exciting project and I'm not good at doing things. I'm not a good person, I don't have any friends. Nobody would even care if I died. That's how it is.
I don't want to be here anymore.
The only kind of love I seem to be able to get is God's love, but it sucks. It's the most unsatisfying and stupid kind of love imaginable. It doesn't even help me to develop a better life. I'm too angry and selfish to appreciate it anyway, but it's not my fault, nor can I change it. God isn't even a real God, he/she/it is some 5-dimensional being probably gaining satisfaction out of controlling my life and playing with my desires, fuck this demon/whatever he/she/it is. I'm being a bit too harsh, but I'm not a good person. I don't want to be a good person. I shouldn't have to care about what other people think about me. But if I don't care about what other people think about me then why should I care that nobody cares about me? I'm trapped in my own mind, all this meditation stuff about viewing the mind as an object without identifying with it is just a cruel joke and boring as fuck.
I'm going to die out in the lonely wilderness soon and nobody will ever find my corpse or even notice that I'm gone. It's like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Do you know how sad it makes me when someone says "Oh, you're so funny!" If you think so, why don't we go for a walk on the beach together? Why do people make such stupid statements all the time?? People are stupid, they say things that don't help anyone at all and they ignore reality. There probably aren't even real humans except of myself anyway, they are all illusionary epiphanies or manifestations orchestrated by this being that won't reveal his/her/its real identity to me no matter what I do. Death seems to be the only escape but I don't want to die.
Everything is fake and the only thing that matters is money, even though it doesn't have to be like that. And sex of course. I don't want to be here anymore. Existence could be completely paradisaic but greater forces prevent it from being so, for no reason at all.
If existence emerged from non-existence, why didn't it choose to be perfect?
I'm going to go for a walk in the forest.
I wish I had never been born!