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Help me respond to this dude that emailed me who thinks im someone else

andihow

By andihow
in General Banter

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Guest Atom Dowry Firth

Guest Atom Dowry Firth

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try to ejaculate into fire and accidentally turn the end of your penis into a lump of charcoal?

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flim Proficient

flim

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(or maybe something in betweennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn)

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andihow Experienced

andihow

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Neil,

It has come to my attention that kevin sadly has committed chimpicide last night in a puddle of his own santorum. He shit himself on the subway after fondling an unhealthy amount of birthday cake. This caused him to develop an investigation into 9/11.

9/11 was a false flag attack perpetrated by the US government. Jet fuel can't melt steel beams, investigate 9/11. 9 sides is 3 illumaniti symbols - 3 illuminati symbols make one mega illuminati symbol. The mega illuminati symbol is coming to put you in da jail.

Anyway, I digress - I have not been away on business in a while so I will elect you as executor to the sexicutor. Which is me. :catrecline: . Your executive tasks include eating the poopoo and absorbing the peepee. Unless of course your flesh has lost its absobency since last time ;)

Therefore you must go to the supermarket and buy 28 tubs of table salt... but only the ones with "LUSH" written on it. Teehee, you know me! Anyway with the salt you need to bathe yourself while sacraficing five fingers to the whims of the boner god (a dick wants what it wants!! hahaha), then make your own CHEAP V1AGRA and blaze it.

Oh and by the way, I forgot to mention last time we spoke that that "cuckold" or something you spoke so fondly of is actually a transgender metrometual fox tree table you cisgendered white scum, so before you try and touch my children again, please give me your bank details so that I can buy a new sexy, totally phallic and erotic Ugandan Prince. I've been cuckolded too many times and still can't get people to understand that they can do what they want with my body.

Do you like Röyksopp? I bet you do dont you you total fucking spaz. I'll admit I don't mind Melody A.M., but they totally went downhill after that. #dogperiod

It is merely a matter of time until any entertainment, Royksopp, dogperiods, or otherwise, falls to Their nefarious influence, and declines in the service of Their occulted desires. The Eye ever watches. THE EYE EVER WATCHES. A small whiff of existential dread lurks its way into my general mood as I watch my only gardener, Xerxes, his pale skin gleaming in the moonlight as he strides through my garden of glistening batcocks. I try to catch his eye but in my heart, I know its over between us.

My dear Mr. Tingey, if I were to tell you all I have seen, you would pay me the money I require and accept me as your sister - just as you accepted Kevin, dear sweet Kevin to be your one and only... and at this very moment, you would already be preparing your body for its final occupation.

Are your parents terrorists? How did I get to be so smooth? My body is under no circumstances to be used as a pawn in this wicked Ugandan game of desire that we in the west are unfamiliar with. Kuntze, dont hide your love away, and to paraphrase the Marquis de Sade, fuck me up baby!!

Again, don't hide your love away. Its like John Lennon said:

oh yeah baby

oh yeah baby

oh yeah baby

huh nope adult

nope nope nope, adult?

adult baby! I want you baby!

anal?

Sorry, that should have been: "analysis?". I can't fix my text retroactively, or whatever. The analysis I'm refering to requires a stool sample of 10 prolapsing nuns, which shouldn't be hard to find since ...

......+

..listen you need to help me neil theyre in my head. I can't outrun them this time. They've found a way to consume my entire retirement fund. How the fuck am I supposed to live on $1100 a month when my morgage is in arrears. More like in MY REARS Neil. IN. MY. REARS.

A well formed rear, however, would pewdiepie your anal lord. Would love me a new box of butt freshners to pair with the instructions on how to complete sentences.

Suddenly sirch defecated on the windsheild of a hearse which was filled with the bones of the lost Jenkinson brother. His name was Archibald and he was famed for his incredible charm and flatulence (not unrelated). His brightly anal poop asshole-mouth was covered and smothered with taters, bulging with vain philtrums.

Neil, what I'm trying to say is... you should have Faith In Strangers. No Surrender. Or this Violence will cause Damage. On Oath, you should take some Time Away from Science And Industry. Remember How It Was before it all went Missing? Those are just Luxury Problems... I'm Expecting you to Hatch The Plan before you turn Numb and Sleepless. Before you end Up The Box at the Lost And Found. This is why people are Leaving you. But we, We Stay Together. Your Work Gate is Cracked due to Bad Wires, and your Submission to Posers gives me the ol' Cherry Eye. But despite all of that, We Stay Together (Part Two). It Passed Me By how you went North To South looking for New Ground. If I looked closer at the Dark Details of the Execution at the Stitch House, I would have found your Signature. You are very Intermittent... Do you truly Love Nothing?

Neil. The destroyer of worlds. The destroyer of words. Teh dero t sy e rfo

Goddamnit Neil, stop it.

Neil, seriously. I need you to speak up and tell me with your own words.

What do you think Clive thinks… does he even have any thoughts? And why is he such a chootiya?

JK. You’ve been pwnt, or at least you will be when I finally manage to sell you on eBay GOD DAMMIT!

Neil, Darling - what I mean to say is.. it reminds me of that episode of East Enders where Sharon sucks off the skinhead brothers in the Grand Vic all that to say we come from aliens! Everything else is bullshit.This whole jesus thing is bullshit it was the Sumerians that started it all by genetically modifying humans. They fucked us literally. Under the next full moon you must peel the skin off your face and replace it with digital vinyl of the finest quality. It is the only way to unlock your fourth dimensional powers.

With these abilities you must sex Richard aggressively in order to guarantee funding for the scrotum transplant industry.

You know how we depend on this, Neil.

Neil!

NEIL!!!

Kneel, lol (j/k)

Listen, Neil... I just saw a fucking ghost and now I gotta hear your crap? Tell Kevin to lube up his eye hole, 'cause I'm gonna fuck his tiny mind! I'm about ready to turn him into roadkill!

Oh, one more thing Neil. Remember that time we shared a motel room and we debated wether it was heat or night and you claimed to be able to read the minds of the birds outside? Please understand - I have some questions on whether or not we would be able to shit ourselves freely on the transit system in a resource based economy?

stock-photo-portrait-of-happy-smiling-yo

​lol sorry about the text above it was my dad. So, Hi! I really want to zigga zig aaah.

And Neil, one last thing. I just want you to know:

Lots of concerns about your concerns in Eastbourne,

Andy H

PS- Would you rather be rich and have a non-detachable poop on your head or try to ejaculate into fire and accidentally turn the end of your penis into a lump of charcoal?

all the best (or worst, huehuehuehue),
(or maybe something in betweennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn),
Andy AKA the Fiber Optic Stool Softener

 

 

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