Joyrex Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 From Kotaku, who got a screener version from Capcom: WARNING: Spoils the whole movie (as if that was remotely possible at this point) 12:00 - Hey, it's the Capcom logo! 12:01 - Opening shot: Golden Gate bridge. There's piano music. Piano music means this is a classy movie. In a voice over Chun Li star Kristen Kreuk is talking about how she wanted to be a concert pianist, but things don't always work out the way you expect them. She moved to Hong Kong and everything changed. GREAT, BLAME HONG KONG. And the opening credits. 12:03 - Rich father, she doesn't know what his job was. (Because his job was being rich?) She and her father practice martial arts in the garden. "Growing up was like a dream. But nothing lasts forever." Uh oh, daddy's gonna die. 12:05 - And here comes Michael Clarke Duncan as Balrog! Her father throws canned vegetables at Balrog, who catches the canned vegetables and laughs. They fight. Balrog chokes and laughs a lot. Yeah. Guys with bats appear. They fight. Chun-Li's father LIGHTS HIS HAND ON FIRE by touching a candle and then LIGHTS ANOTHER GUY ON FIRE. Bison (Neal McDonough) shows up in a business suit. 12:08 - Bye bye Daddy! Off he goes in a limo. Nothing like being kidnapped in style. Chun Li takes out a spinning bird necklace her father gave her. 12:10 - Big Chun Li. All grown up, and she's a concert pianist. She sees some random homeless dude getting beat up. On his hand, there's a spider web tattoo! 12:12 - Says Bison, "As distinguished members of the Shadaloo Corporation, you are all very important, and I don't need to waste your time." So Vega kills them all. 12:16 - Chun-Li's father is not dead, but in a fancy-schmancy prison — complete with a Mac desktop! Bison is keeping Chun-Li's father in prison for his, wait for it, connections! That's right, Chun-Li's father's connections. Bison has locked him on in a cell so he can email people?! And in return for his connections, Chun-Li's father gets pictures and digi clips of his daughter. He sits in his chic cell all day looking at pictures of his daughter. 12:19 - Says Chun-Li: "Was this mysterious scroll a message? Who was it from? I had to find out." Oh, the intrigue. Okay, we're about twenty minutes in, it's a Chun-Li movie, and I have yet to see any Chun-Li thigh. Maybe I missed it? How can one miss Chun-Li thigh? Oh, Chun-Li's mom dies. There's a weepy scene. BUT NO THIGHS. 12:21 - Hey, it's that guy from American Pie! He's an Interpool cop. But I thought Chun-Li was an Interpool cop? No, moron, she's a concert pianist! 12:23 - Some old lady tells Chun-Li to find Gen and something about a spiderweb symbol. To find Gen, Chun-Li has to "leaver her life behind," so she says goodbye to all her servants and leaves her mansion in the rain at night. WE SEE WET RAINY THIGHS. I think. There we go, she arrives in Bangkok, about 24 minutes into the movie, and we finally see Chun-Li's thighs. What wonders await us 24 minutes from now? A blue outfit? Just a shot in the dark! "I had to lose myself to the street. I had to become one with the people of Bangkok." Um, why? "This was new to me. Every night was a struggle. Every meal was a gift." Cue montage of Chun-Li looking hungry and walking around and looking hungry and sleeping in the gutter. Give this lady a sammich. 12:28 - ANGRY BABY FACE. 12:31 - Gen appears, explains the bit about Chun-Li's father being kidnapped for his connections. He knows who took her father! "I'll tell you when you are ready. But when you put away your anger." Gen created the Order of The Web. "Your father was a very important man, and his connections could open any door in any country around the world." Even when he's in a fancy prison! 12:33 - ANGRY BABY FACE. 12:35 - Chun-Li does research on Bison at an internet cafe. "Research" is looking at two articles online. Sounds like Chun-Li is ready to write PhD thesis. 12:40 - Something about Bison being an unscrupulous land developer. 12:41 - More Gen and Chun-Li training. He blindfolds her and throws metal balls at her, while muttering some new age mumbo jumbo about harnessing energy. Her face almost hits a buzz saw. 12:43 - Chun-Li in blue moomoo with bun hairdo. 12;45 - Lesbian dance scene between Chun-Li and some evil lady in heels. M'kay. Don't remember that in any of the games. 12:48 - Fight breaks out and carries over into a strip club, which is playing some hip-hop song about Street Fighter. What a kwinky-dink! The guys with guns are no match for Chun-Li's Spinning Bird kick. Chun-Li wears blue underwear. *makes note* They keep referring to Chun-Li as "the schoolgirl" in this movie. Why, why, why. 12:55 - Gather round! It's time for Bison's back story. His Irish missionary parents died when he was a baby, and he became ill, "but where he was no one cared about the sick," Gen tells us. Thanks Gen! Bison grew up on the mean streets of Bangkok stealing stuff — like entire baskets of fish. Baskets of fish? The nerve. "He yearned for more, so he went to the dark cave." Can't blame him. I mean, baskets of fish? Meh. So Bison shows up in this drippy dark cave with his new, knocked up wife. Hello shotgun marriage! Gen says something about Bison wanting to lose his conscience. Bison has his very pregnant wife lay down on some rocks and then starts taking off his wife's clothes and... ...rips his unborn child out of his wife's stomach! Bison's eyes then change color. And that's how he became an unscrupulous land developer? Just think of what Donald Trump had to do... 12:57 - KA-BOOM! No more Gen. *Sad Panda* 1:00 - Chun-Li and Vega fight. Chun-Li knocks off his mask and says, "No wonder you wear a mask." Oh buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn. 1:03 - Chun-Li gets captured snooping around a shipyard. Bison tells her: "You're not a schoolgirl anymore." Hey Bison! She's not a schoolgirl in the games, that's Sakura. They throw her in the brig with her dad. There's isn't a Mac in the brig — however will he connect with his very important connections? 1:05 - Bison: "You see, your father has been the milk of my business. But even milk has an expiration date." YES, YES, YES! Bison kills Chun-Li's father. Jerk. Chun-Li escapes, and runs through a street markets. Fruit carts galore! Balrog pulls up in a Benz, draws a weapon, and Chun-Li grabs a kid to keep him out of harms way. Balrog fires off a shot, Chun-Li turns and takes it in the back, takes it for the team. Some little kid throws a rock that hits Balrog in the face. Now everyone is throwing rocks. Ha, this is great. No, really. The rock throwing scene is great. Love it. HEY IT'S GEN! HE'S NOT DEAD! He better do some bad ass Rambo type stuff and pull Chun-Li's bullet out with his fingers. Instead he waves his hand over her wounds. 1:14 - Chun-Li shows up at that American Pie guy's safe house and asks him for back up. She gonna try to take down Bison when his shipment arrives at the shipyard. Explosions, shooting and more shooting. There's kicking when Chun-Li shows up at the shipyard. Ha, Chun-Li finds some girl on the ship and asks her if she's okay. But the girl doesn't seem to speak English and asks where her father is, so Chun-Li tells her to stay where she is. That's probably a good idea. 1:18 - Gen and Balrog fight and Gen MELTS BALROG'S FACE. Awesome. 1:19 - That girl on the boat? That's Bison's daughter, the one he ripped out of his wife's stomach. Not so awesome. She's also put up in a fancy prison cell. Man, if you're gonna get captured, get captured by Bison. His cells have designer furniture. Hold on, we're actually confused. Why is Bison's daughter on a boat? Like, when he ripped her out of his wife's stomach, what did he do with her? Let's forget about that now, Gen and Bison are fighting. It's a pretty good fight! We hope he uses that milk analogy again, because that was terrific. "Gen, you are starting to sour." (He didn't say that, but should've.) Bison throw Gen into a table and then leaves. Leaves? Why does he leave? You cannot BLOW UP GEN, why would you leave him after throwing him into a table? Go over that and finish the job. DAMMIT BISON. 1:23 - Chun-Li shows up and starts smacking Bison with a bamboo pole. 1:25 - ANGRY BABY FACE. 1:27 - And... Chun-Li defeats Bison by twisting his head around. The American Pie guy shows up and says nice work. 1:30 - Another voice over, a newspaper clipping for a Street Fighter tournament, Gen mentioning a "Ryu something," and this looks like a wrap, folks! Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li opens at theaters across the U.S. this weekend. Be sure to see it so we get the inevitable Street FIghter: The Legend of Ryu something! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chenGOD Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 No thigh? No panties? dear god. what have they wrought upon us. Planetoid. Calling planetoid. YOur mission, should you choose to accept it, is to teach those bastards the magic over wanking to Chun-Li's panties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest zaphod Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 this chick plays chun li? really? she looks maybe a quarter asian, if that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fred McGriff Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 imagine having to watch a full-length version of those in-game plot-advancer animations. oh my god. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest zaphod Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 i hope they use the same theme song as street fighter 4 lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Velazquez Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Does the Street Fighter video game franchise have anything to do with Sonny Chiba's Street Fighter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest zaphod Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 no Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rambo Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 this chick plays chun li? really? she looks maybe a quarter asian, if that. mmmm she can kick me in the face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Renivatio Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 she can kick me in the face and then some. *rowrrr!* :angry: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rambo Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 she can hover upside down and kick my head edit. repeatedly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest assegai Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 she can beat the shit out of me and kill my parents » Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... « the aristocrats Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squee Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 She can punch my penis if you know what I mean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pennywise Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 she can suck my dick any day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Moss Acid Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 she can perform the spinning bird kick on me any hour of the day,. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessier Ashpool Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Kristen Kreuk - oh god, that one episode of smallville when she becomes all "evil" and strips down in the swimming pool trying to seduce clark- anybody? GD I would make sweet love to that all day long edit: She can dilute my already compromised Asian gene pool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blir Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Kristen Kreuk - oh god, that one episode of smallville when she becomes all "evil" and strips down in the swimming pool trying to seduce clark- anybody? GD I would make sweet love to that all day long edit: She can dilute my already compromised Asian gene pool ROFL UR AZN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessier Ashpool Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Kristen Kreuk - oh god, that one episode of smallville when she becomes all "evil" and strips down in the swimming pool trying to seduce clark- anybody? GD I would make sweet love to that all day long edit: She can dilute my already compromised Asian gene pool ROFL UR AZN I am going to fly to your house and MURDER you!!! Incidentally, finally purchased Braid the other day . . . damn that shit is dope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fred McGriff Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 i really loved braid, so creative and awesome, but alas too much thought was required to complete it. i dont like playing thinking man's video games, because that's not what i'm after when i game. braid would be a classic game to sit around and watch my older brother solve, just like the olden days growing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyrex Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 i really loved braid, so creative and awesome, but alas too much thought was required to complete it. i dont like playing thinking man's video games, because that's not what i'm after when i game. braid would be a classic game to sit around and watch my older brother solve, just like the olden days growing up. So, you're a "caveman gamer", eh? Pity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessier Ashpool Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 i really loved braid, so creative and awesome, but alas too much thought was required to complete it. i dont like playing thinking man's video games, because that's not what i'm after when i game. braid would be a classic game to sit around and watch my older brother solve, just like the olden days growing up. Yeah, I had held off on the game for just that very reason - it's like, I spend all day trying to figure out complex shit, so when I get home and go for the gamin', things better be gettin' blown the fuck up, dunked on, de-limbed with a plasma cutter, fatalitied, or turned to goo pile with A3-21's plasma rifle. . . . . but then the GF said that I'm too violent so I figured I'd try something more cerebral. . . Makes me wonder what happens if we ever have kids - JR, how do you manage things with a little 'un? I mean, does the missus get po'ed if you play L4D or anything like that around the kid? edit: you do have a kid right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blir Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Fuck, I'm not gonna derail this thread but Braid is the one puzzle game that I don't get angry at. There's no platforming technique needed, it's sheer thinking with deceptively simple solutions, feel genius for figuring shit out! Still, if I want intense gaming then Geometry Wars is my thing. Fred, Tes, Rex... WHAT'S CRACKING DUDERS!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneToThirtySix Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 So, the shooting and explosions outweigh the hand-to-hand combat in a movie titled "Street Fighter"? Who is running Hollywood? :undecided: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Braintree Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I am so tired of crackers player nippers in movies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QBLA Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 not down! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flim Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Does the Street Fighter video game franchise have anything to do with Sonny Chiba's Street Fighter? how i wish it did! someone should remake that series! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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