Autechre anybody else is having some scary lives these days?

[encey]

in certain situations i experience serious issues. for instance business environments, or in class. or in social situations where i don't know anybody, or where i have any inkling of social anxiety regarding awkwardness or whatnot.

 

in those situations i feel as if i can read minds, and it can scare me sometimes.

one doctor said it this way:

 

you think if she moves her hand this way and blinks twice than she's bored and is trying to get through with it or if she rotates 90 degrees to the left and scratches her leg she wants to have sex

 

etc

 

basically what he told me was:

you're probably right. some people can pick up on these things very well

I don't understand this. What do you mean you feel like you can read minds? and how is that connected to feeling awkward in those situations?

 

I agree those are awkward situations unless one treats them like the game they are and comes to enjoy playing the game like one enjoys playing guitar with a bunch of people.

 

I also think you misunderstood what the doctor was telling you, unless he was just pointing out that people use body language.

[Guest A/D]

clumsy, embarrassing and tedious process of making tiny increments of progress until, after a long time, you have gotten somewhere remarkable

 

quoted for the damn truth. well said. HB tomorrow you stud :embrassed:

 

get on meds and then use them as a stepping stone to think your way back to life. Then get off the meds asap. the end

 

that's exactly what i did, good advice

 

i used weed. you can use drugs to see your life from a third-person perspective and analyze what's wrong. then, you have to stop using drugs and start deal with it.

 

i also use a lot of AA/12-step principles, treating depression/schizo as my addiction. being willing to do whatever's necessary to fix what's wrong. telling myself and others the truth.

[Guest IRARI]

risperdal

 

i've nothing substantial to add to this thread except that i hate this drug it makes me feel like complete shit

[vamos scorcho]

yeah it was the worst thing in the whole world, that and lithium as far as i can tell

[Guest hahathhat]

lots of people saying good things. larry/encey make a lot of sense to me.

 

but in certain situations i experience serious issues. for instance business environments, or in class. or in social situations where i don't know anybody, or where i have any inkling of social anxiety regarding awkwardness or whatnot.

 

in those situations i feel as if i can read minds, and it can scare me sometimes.

one doctor said it this way:

 

you think if she moves her hand this way and blinks twice than she's bored and is trying to get through with it or if she rotates 90 degrees to the left and scratches her leg she wants to have sex

 

etc

 

basically what he told me was:

you're probably right. some people can pick up on these things very well

 

I can get into this ultra-paranoid state where I read too much into blinks n winks like that. Smoking a lot, being v. high in public makes it much worse. It's easy to get paranoid when a jolt of fear blasts away you're ability to rationalize. The paranoia is temporary, weed-induced at first, but if you get too much of it, it starts to stick around on its own. I guess I'd call it post-traumatic stress of a sort, except it happens gradually as opposed to all at once. Maybe your HPPD is like this too. Grooves get cut and patterns set. It's like a trail through the woods -- nothing at first, but enough people walk the same route and the ground starts to get packed down. Future hikers see the packed-down ground and walk on that impulsively.

 

You can't just make that packed-in trail go away in a day. Nature has to gradually reclaim it during a long stretch of disuse. The only thing you can do is avoid the trail and walk over fresh ground whenever you have the presence of mind. I suppose this about what LARRY was saying about "I" being cumulative.

 

it was an important revelation for me. The only thing you can do is put your focus elsewhere, on good things, and the bad stuff gradually atrophies. it gets downgraded. it's still there but you don't put as much weight on it. there's no undo with your brain, just gradual desensitization. encey's point about finishing tracks is something i wish i'd thought of... i think he's right.

 

i have plenty to say about the dreaming/disconnectedness -- and a few matrix jokes besides -- but i'll leave that for later

 

risperdal

 

i've nothing substantial to add to this thread except that i hate this drug it makes me feel like complete shit

 

i didn't like it either. made me content to waste my life in front of TV. it did make me feel better in the short term, but i wager i'd have had a hell of a midlife crisis if i spent my life on that shit. i'd take it if i saw non-existant aliens crawling out of my sink and it made them go away. but i don't.

[vamos scorcho]

^ thats a great post

 

i think i'll have to read that when i've got the ability to focus and get some meaning out of it

 

strangely i have no problem finishing tracks. i'll go through periods of a week or two where my whole life revolves around the tracks, every waking moment, and i get so into it. i'll spend up to 10 hours at my computer working on one track until i think it's finished.

 

sheeeeeeit. this forum is awesome. i post on this other forum called soundopinions and that place is horrible, too many people bizarrely concerned with keeping up an online persona, and basically stroking dicks about indie music. this place is relaxed. if i made this thread there they would jump on me and call me schizophrenic and a loon. fuckers.

[Guest inteeliguntdesign]

for instance recognizing that the feelings are not who i am, and that i'm not necessarily depressed or anxious. basically a form of denial. it worked for a long time, very very well actually, but shit comes back sometimes with a vengeance.

 

this isn't that far from what i read about buddhism in the tibetan yogas of dream and sleep. your thoughts of depression, anxiety, etc come from your past thoughts, which emerged because of past actions, which you either started or received, and those past actions left impressions on your mind, that then control how you think and act. so there's nothing inherent in your depression or anxiety, nothing permanent, just thoughts. and if you can realise them, work how where they come from, see they're not inherent in who you are, just unpleasant reactions to the past, in dreams or in meditation or simply in thought you can then remove them, become liberated from them, eventually.

 

all the while i hide most of these things, and find it difficult to portray my feelings about it to anybody because nobody

A. understands

B. cares (rightfully, why would they)

 

your friends and family members would care. they wouldnt want you to be unhappy. maybe some couldn't deal with what's happeneing to you, or understand it, but if they have the power to change it, they would.

[Guest inteeliguntdesign]

past actions can come from a very young age: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_th...chment_patterns which can result in different emotional states later on in life: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in...tachment_styles

[GORDO]

I'm a self destructive procastrinator

[Morpheus]

for instance recognizing that the feelings are not who i am, and that i'm not necessarily depressed or anxious. basically a form of denial. it worked for a long time, very very well actually, but shit comes back sometimes with a vengeance.

 

this isn't that far from what i read about buddhism in the tibetan yogas of dream and sleep. your thoughts of depression, anxiety, etc come from your past thoughts, which emerged because of past actions, which you either started or received, and those past actions left impressions on your mind, that then control how you think and act. so there's nothing inherent in your depression or anxiety, nothing permanent, just thoughts. and if you can realise them, work how where they come from, see they're not inherent in who you are, just unpleasant reactions to the past, in dreams or in meditation or simply in thought you can then remove them, become liberated from them, eventually.

 

Yes, at one point I decided I was so sick of anxiety and worrying about my future and it all seemed so bullshit, I told myself I would just stay in the moment for the rest of my life. And yes, this worked about 5 minutes and it did come back with a vengeance. It is because I was going into the moment to try to get away from the anxiety. Basically staying in the moment doesn't "work" if you do it out of fear. It also helps to realize that the little voice inside your head (not talking about hallucinations, I'm talking about the one everyone has) is never ever completely satisfied. So don't go to huge lengths to please it (especially when you are paranoid, temporary indulgence in your paranoid self only yields more paranoid thoughts). Feelings come and pass. The tide has to come in before it goes out.

[BCM]

sometimes i feel very strongly like i am dreaming while i'm awake. it can be incredibly frightening. tonight at dinner with my family i felt disconnected like i was watching myself be disconnected. i was watching us at a dinner table from far away, is what it felt like.

 

sometimes it is very nice like when i'm in the backseat of a car and have no responsibilities to worry about

 

other times when i'm in a situation where i need or desire to be myself

(such as around a special girl)

i become so detached and frightened of them that i find it difficult to maintain any sort of relationship

 

all the while i hide most of these things, and find it difficult to portray my feelings about it to anybody because nobody

A. understands

B. cares (rightfully, why would they)

 

also i often feel paranoid that i can't trust anybody whatsoever. i think drugs are a huge cause for much of these things, though i've not done nearly as much as many people i know. i've decided to halt drugs.

 

on top of some of this i am 100% sure i've got "HPPD" hallucination persistance something disorder. basically what it is I see hallucinations very often. static in the sky. lines. sometimes vivid colors when i close my eyes. things can get really weird. this causes major anxiety sometimes.

 

 

also on top of all this i listen to clever dance music very often. i sometimes wonder if autechre and friends didn't contribute to me losing my mind.

 

lol

[marf]

if its really bad, go to a psychiatrist. Don't self medicate.

[Guest fox]

i'd lose the drugs altogether first. if it persists you should see a psychiatrist, 'cause what you're describing sounds alot like prodromal schizophrenia (hallucinations, paranoia, feeling like you're dreaming while you're awake), which could get much worse if untreated.

 

edit: in fact studies show that the first few years (and the success or failure in that time period) are an excellent indicator for live long outcomes. see a doc.

[Guest inteeliguntdesign]

for instance recognizing that the feelings are not who i am, and that i'm not necessarily depressed or anxious. basically a form of denial. it worked for a long time, very very well actually, but shit comes back sometimes with a vengeance.

 

this isn't that far from what i read about buddhism in the tibetan yogas of dream and sleep. your thoughts of depression, anxiety, etc come from your past thoughts, which emerged because of past actions, which you either started or received, and those past actions left impressions on your mind, that then control how you think and act. so there's nothing inherent in your depression or anxiety, nothing permanent, just thoughts. and if you can realise them, work how where they come from, see they're not inherent in who you are, just unpleasant reactions to the past, in dreams or in meditation or simply in thought you can then remove them, become liberated from them, eventually.

 

Yes, at one point I decided I was so sick of anxiety and worrying about my future and it all seemed so bullshit, I told myself I would just stay in the moment for the rest of my life. And yes, this worked about 5 minutes and it did come back with a vengeance. It is because I was going into the moment to try to get away from the anxiety. Basically staying in the moment doesn't "work" if you do it out of fear. It also helps to realize that the little voice inside your head (not talking about hallucinations, I'm talking about the one everyone has) is never ever completely satisfied. So don't go to huge lengths to please it (especially when you are paranoid, temporary indulgence in your paranoid self only yields more paranoid thoughts). Feelings come and pass. The tide has to come in before it goes out.

 

not sure if you thought i was spurting out the living in the moment stuff. i wasn't. not even sure if that's practical. i was spurting out the figuring out your past to understand your present stuff. the guarding againt ever increasing yearning is good advice tho.

[Morpheus]

Oops, I should have just quoted the first part that you quoted.

[Guest Franklin]

sometimes i feel very strongly like i am dreaming while i'm awake. it can be incredibly frightening. tonight at dinner with my family i felt disconnected like i was watching myself be disconnected. i was watching us at a dinner table from far away, is what it felt like.

 

sometimes it is very nice like when i'm in the backseat of a car and have no responsibilities to worry about

 

other times when i'm in a situation where i need or desire to be myself

(such as around a special girl)

i become so detached and frightened of them that i find it difficult to maintain any sort of relationship

 

all the while i hide most of these things, and find it difficult to portray my feelings about it to anybody because nobody

A. understands

B. cares (rightfully, why would they)

 

also i often feel paranoid that i can't trust anybody whatsoever. i think drugs are a huge cause for much of these things, though i've not done nearly as much as many people i know. i've decided to halt drugs.

 

on top of some of this i am 100% sure i've got "HPPD" hallucination persistance something disorder. basically what it is I see hallucinations very often. static in the sky. lines. sometimes vivid colors when i close my eyes. things can get really weird. this causes major anxiety sometimes.

 

 

also on top of all this i listen to clever dance music very often. i sometimes wonder if autechre and friends didn't contribute to me losing my mind.

 

1. What you are describing will not be helped by recreational drugs. I would stick to your "I've decided to halt drugs attitude." the drugs will just confuse the symptomatology when you follow advice #2.

2. I would also go see a psychologist... HPPD is only one possible diagnosis out of several by the way you're describing things... I would not relay on wikipedia or webmd for these types of problems.

3. read #1 and #2 again.

 

 

 

Anxiety and panic. No hallucinations though.

 

I've found that the dealing with mental issues has to do with how you approach them. If you think "I had a panic attack, now what steps do I take not to be anxious and have another attack?" You will ultimately fail in trying to conquer the issue and just keep going in this cycle of fear and hope. But if you look at it from the standpoint of the fact that if you were completely clear-minded and relaxed, you wouldn't even have the goal of not being anxious. Although I have not experienced it as much, the same can sorta be applied to depression.

 

For me, it also helps to understand who I really am. And that means questioning what is meant by "I" when you think "Oh god, I hope (whatever) doesn't happen." Personally, I came to see the "I" as an aggregate of thoughts and opinions based on the past, held together by my unconscious effort to hold on to good feeling and avoid bad ones. And when I realize that this has been the cause of my pain and fear, I drop that sense of self, and associate myself with only the moment of now and the environment. Basically I let myself go. Scary at first, but a huge relief when you realize all those terrible fears don't come true.

 

Also, seeing professional probably wouldn't hurt, and I would definitely recommend it if you are hallucinating.

 

Buddhism and philosophy has helped me more than any medications. But don't expect them (buddhism, meditation) to help you unless you are willing to reconsider your understanding of yourself.

 

Larry is on the money here.... the zen recommendation is usually quite helpful for anxiety-related problems however it is likely not appropriate for people who are experiencing depersonalization or hallucinations.

 

[Hoodie]

sometimes i feel very strongly like i am dreaming while i'm awake. it can be incredibly frightening. tonight at dinner with my family i felt disconnected like i was watching myself be disconnected. i was watching us at a dinner table from far away, is what it felt like.

 

sometimes it is very nice like when i'm in the backseat of a car and have no responsibilities to worry about

 

other times when i'm in a situation where i need or desire to be myself

(such as around a special girl)

i become so detached and frightened of them that i find it difficult to maintain any sort of relationship

 

all the while i hide most of these things, and find it difficult to portray my feelings about it to anybody because nobody

A. understands

B. cares (rightfully, why would they)

 

also i often feel paranoid that i can't trust anybody whatsoever. i think drugs are a huge cause for much of these things, though i've not done nearly as much as many people i know. i've decided to halt drugs.

 

on top of some of this i am 100% sure i've got "HPPD" hallucination persistance something disorder. basically what it is I see hallucinations very often. static in the sky. lines. sometimes vivid colors when i close my eyes. things can get really weird. this causes major anxiety sometimes.

 

 

also on top of all this i listen to clever dance music very often. i sometimes wonder if autechre and friends didn't contribute to me losing my mind.

 

1. What you are describing will not be helped by recreational drugs. I would stick to your "I've decided to halt drugs attitude." the drugs will just confuse the symptomatology when you follow advice #2.

2. I would also go see a psychologist... HPPD is only one possible diagnosis out of several by the way you're describing things... I would not relay on wikipedia or webmd for these types of problems.

3. read #1 and #2 again.

 

 

 

Anxiety and panic. No hallucinations though.

 

I've found that the dealing with mental issues has to do with how you approach them. If you think "I had a panic attack, now what steps do I take not to be anxious and have another attack?" You will ultimately fail in trying to conquer the issue and just keep going in this cycle of fear and hope. But if you look at it from the standpoint of the fact that if you were completely clear-minded and relaxed, you wouldn't even have the goal of not being anxious. Although I have not experienced it as much, the same can sorta be applied to depression.

 

For me, it also helps to understand who I really am. And that means questioning what is meant by "I" when you think "Oh god, I hope (whatever) doesn't happen." Personally, I came to see the "I" as an aggregate of thoughts and opinions based on the past, held together by my unconscious effort to hold on to good feeling and avoid bad ones. And when I realize that this has been the cause of my pain and fear, I drop that sense of self, and associate myself with only the moment of now and the environment. Basically I let myself go. Scary at first, but a huge relief when you realize all those terrible fears don't come true.

 

Also, seeing professional probably wouldn't hurt, and I would definitely recommend it if you are hallucinating.

 

Buddhism and philosophy has helped me more than any medications. But don't expect them (buddhism, meditation) to help you unless you are willing to reconsider your understanding of yourself.

 

Larry is on the money here.... the zen recommendation is usually quite helpful for anxiety-related problems however it is likely not appropriate for people who are experiencing depersonalization or hallucinations.

 

aren't you a psychologist or something? systematic desensitization for car accident victims?

 

listen to this man, he knows what he's talking about. don't mess around with your mental health, because it's very difficult to heal once you've fucked it up enough.

 

underlying conditions can be aggravated by the use of recreational drugs, you know, so it's definitely a step in the right direction to stop using them... an even better step would be to go to a professional that can discover exactly what the underlying condition is or if there is any at all. but i'm just repeating what franklin said. he knows what's up, listen to him.

[essines]

this is like morumnt who has gained a slightly better grasp of the english language.

[Muflontillah]

My only problems these days are very- too strong dreams with Maisumi Max (not sex).