joshuatxuk Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 @disparaissant You... didn't read, lol OR you didn't read lol ^ the lol is at the end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyrex Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell? A: Dung! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joshuatxuk Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambermonk Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell? A: Dung! I almost mentioned that one earlier. I remember Eric Idle used it in a Monty Python sketch, though I forgot which one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest disparaissant Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 Have you heard of the movie Constipation? No? thats because it isn't out yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chunky Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 There's a bar on top of a really, really high building and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth. A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.Another guy comes and sits next to him.The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chunky Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 Thank you google:**Insomnia jokes**Funny&corny jokes for those annoying little turds that have sleeping problems. ;-)“Doctor, doctor, I haven’t slept for days.”“Why not?”“Because I sleep at night!”What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.One of the great ironies of life is by the time you retire and are able to sleep late, you are to old to be able to sleep late.Did you hear about the man who slept under an old tractor? He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”“I know” said the man, “but I can`t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.Did you hear about the parents who called their baby “Caffeine?” It kept them awake all night!Why it is that the one who snores always goes to sleep first?Insomnia is what you have when you lie awake all night for ten minutes!“Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep at night.”“Lie on the edge of the bed, then, and you’ll soon drop off.”Husband: “Honey, I have terrible insomnia.”Wife: “If you go to sleep, it won’t bother you!”Insomnia is the triumph of mind over mattress.Whiskey may not cure your insomnia, but it makes staying awake much more pleasant.Insomnia is the triumph of mind over mattress!My insomnia is so bad, I can`t even sleep on the job.I won’t rest until I find a cure for insomnia.What question can never be answered with “Yes.”Are you asleep?Sleep is a form of death on the installment plan.An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.“Doctor, I just can’t sleep at night.”“Have you tried counting sheep?”“That’s the problem! I make a mistake and spend 3 hours trying to find it.”He is such an insomniac that when he falls asleep, he dreams he is awake!“Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest disparaissant Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 "im very disappointed. when the flyer said “come watch the great dane cook live” i wasn’t expecting a white man telling bad jokes. i thought i payed $50 to watch a dog prepare a meal" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chunky Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 "im very disappointed. when the flyer said “come watch the great dane cook live” i wasn’t expecting a white man telling bad jokes. i thought i payed $50 to watch a dog prepare a meal" gonna have to call you out on your waycism! totally waycist joke there. thought police are on their way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneToThirtySix Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 "im very disappointed. when the flyer said come watch the great dane cook live i wasnt expecting a white man telling bad jokes. i thought i payed $50 to watch a dog prepare a meal" gonna have to call you out on your waycism! totally waycist joke there. thought police are on their way!What's racist about a dog preparing a meal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kavinsky Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 "im very disappointed. when the flyer said come watch the great dane cook live i wasnt expecting a white man telling bad jokes. i thought i payed $50 to watch a dog prepare a meal"gonna have to call you out on your waycism! totally waycist joke there. thought police are on their way!What's racist about a dog preparing a meal? well think about it please ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivan Ooze Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 q: why do they bury dutch people with their ass out the ground a:so they can park their bike there how do you get 50 dutch men in a citroen throw a gulden in it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
granty Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 This is a joke I came up with the other day; Why did Skrillex get fired from his job at the fishmongers'? He kept dropping the bass! hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Braintree Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 A homophobe walks into a gay bar and instantly cums in his pants. My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks, so I drove her to New Jersey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadameChaos Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog in a cage it was a Shitzu what's brown and sticky a stick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chassis Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Why did the lion get lost? Cos jungle is massive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadameChaos Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I was cleaning the attic with the wife the other day, filthy dirty, covered in cobwebs but she's good with the kids Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadameChaos Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on! Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone. What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool! I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in. My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’ I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself!’ A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’ So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck." I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite - one jar. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?" I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any. Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?" A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays." A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you." Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCM Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Fell asleep pissed up at a party last night and somebody put a teabag in my mouth - I went fucking mental. Nobody treats me like a mug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klopjob Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 My wife is the world to me, round and bipolar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Frankie5fingers Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 A pirate crew is about to be attacked by an enemy ship and the captain yells to his 2nd in command "Bring me my red shirt!" the fight beings and they win. the next day they are attacked again by another ship, before the fight the captain yells "Bring me my red shirt!", they win the fight. the third day they are attacked again by yet another ship, the captain again says "Bring me my red shirt!" and they win the fight. after this fight the crew asks the captain "why do you always ask for your red shirt before a battle?" and he responds "Because if i was ever injured in battle i dont want you to see me bleed." on the fourth day the pirates are attacked by 10 ships. the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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