Hugh Mughnus Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 My cat's dick is so small neither myself nor my girlfriend can be certain it's even there. ...look, he flops over on his back alot, and after a while you can't help but wonder "where the fuck is it." This is a reasonable concern. maybe it's an "innie"... like bellybuttons Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcofribas Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 6am this morning woke up to the boiler pissing out water everywhere, had to mop up kitchen floor, bleed the radiators and fiddle about with this tiny little awkwardly-placed lever in aformentioned boiler - all whilst just wearing my boxer shorts. then i got to go to work. work actually wasn't too bad. quite enjoyed it today in fact. head home around 5ish (in a reasonably good mood by this point) and am happily trundling my way home on the district line when we're all rudely booted off at putney bridge with no explanation apart from "problems in the wimbledon area". ended up on a very crowded number 93 bus and eventually got off not too far from home, feeling slightly dejected but only about 20 minutes off schedule. i am meant to be meeting my girlfriend (who is bringing the car) near the station so we can go pick up the rather alarming amount of missed deliveries we have had in the past week. i've already let her know i'm going to be a bit late, so call to get her to come get me and find out that the car won't start. totally dead. so i'm fucking walking home thinking i've really got to get some weed because i'm about to kill some fucker, but i need the car to go get it. ok, i can also walk down to south wimbledon, get on the northern line and do that instead but i'm not sure i can handle it. i decide to go home and fix the car (i've convinced myself at this point that my girlfriend is just being useless and the car will start 1st time for me), then drive over and pick up some green. i walk through my front door in a purposeful mood, change out of my suit and head down to the car. doesn't start. i diagnose the car with a starter-motor problem due to the cold even though i haven't opened the bonnet. i'm convinced it's nothing to do with the battery - it's pretty new [the battery], car has been regularly used and serviced recently. what i need is a big bit of wood to hit the starter-motor with (sticky starter-motor - ask abusivegeorge, he'll tell you). my girfriend suggests my baseball bat which is perfect but slightly annoying as i didn't think of that. anyway, i open the bonnet, hit what i hope is the starter-motor for a bit with absolutely no result, then claim i have the wrong-shaped bit of wood. i decide to try bump-starting the car - easy peasy. you would think. i've only got a nissan micra, probably only weighs about as much as a large seal or two. i can push, my girfriend can steer and pop the clutch. she assured me she understood the mechanics of bump-starting a car. i mentioned not having to turn the key, just turn the ignition on, pop the clutch etc - didnt want to be patronising and assume she didn't understand, so did not explain in detail. she said she knew how to do it. i start to push the car which turns out to be incredibly difficult with the handbrake engaged. i calmly request she takes the handbrake off whilst wondering if this is such a good idea, and after much huffing and puffing manage to get the car positioned towards the slight decline leading out of our car-park. this is it - pretty much got one shot at it - after the decline leading out of the car-park, there is a slight rise which we will get stuck in if the car fails to start - i am hopeful that the momentum of the car, plus the bump and jolt forward when she dumps the clutch will be enough to get up the slight rise, but concerned about the large van approximately 20 yards in front of where we're pointing. i again ask if she knows what she's doing: "got it in 2nd?" - "yep!", "ignition on? clutch in?" - "yep, all good!" ok, so i push - it's hard going. the ground is icy - i can't get good purchase and need good purchase to gain speed. i don't give up, give it everything and get onto the decline - it's working, the car starts to roll forward and pick up speed.... "now!" i shout. nothing. "NOW!" nothing. "what are you doing??" "i'm turning it! i'm turning it!" turning it? it think...fucking TURNING IT?? "turning what?" "the key!!" so things got a bit ugly after that and the car was stuck in the dip blocking the entrace to the resident's car park. she called her mum. this eventually led to finding out we were covered by green flag breakdown service. a reticent black man in a large truck arrived after about an hour and had the car started within 5 minutes. turns out it was a flat battery. on the plus side he recommended taking the car for a spin to help recharge the battery, so i went and purchased some goblin. currently drinking port and am now in a good mood again unfortunately it's like past midnight and i should be in bed but i can't because i'm all wired from the earlier stress. i'm hoping another joint and large glass of ruby port will knock me out. fucking epic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest A/D Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Good story. Enjoyed the bit about the seals. *awaits "The Fact That You Haven't Acknowledged My Incredible Album Cover Enrages Me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambermonk Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 are you steve "interesting" davis in real life? Can't say I'm familiar with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
triachus Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I couldn't sleep and kept thinking about the dupstep incident so I just opened this thread, vented, and left to sleep. But by doing so I had rudely ignored an incredible story and enraged somebody. FML But my boorish inconsideration has lead to a new Snares album, so it's all good. BCM, I have read and now aknowledge your anecdote. 7.6/10 Might read again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCM Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spratters Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 So, did you get the weed BCM? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCM Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 hell yes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcofribas Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 having to see people wearing uggs. fml Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cear Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 having to see people wearing uggs. fml haha yes horrible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
logakght Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) I... I've just made one of the must horrible things someone could ever do... I... I deleted Steve Roach's Darkest Before Dawn from my mp3 player (Sansa Clip+ 8gb + 16gb microSD). Because it occupied too much space! I love it, one of the finest and darkest ambient tracks ever made... But my taste goes further than that, so I had to make it. Though I still have it in multiple HDs because I don't want to lose it. But now, I won't feel like The Lord of Darkness anywhere again :( Edited December 13, 2012 by logakght Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisterE Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 that album cover really would be perfect for a crappy vsnares album. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Mughnus Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I think I'm curving a tiny bit to the left lately. Must switch hands for a few years until it evens out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baph Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I can't even switch, feels wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Mughnus Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 sit on your "switched" hand until it gets numb and you can't feel it. then it's like a stranger doing it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweepstakes Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I can't even switch, feels wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LimpyLoo Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 If switching is wrong, I don't wanna be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spratters Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Thought I would try out my brew last night a bit before Christmas. 1) because I couldn't wait 2) just to check it was ok. They whole fucking lot is spoiled. Smells good but it's got a foul mouldy taste to it. Couldn't be more pissed off. Everything had 2 goes with the steriliser beforehand. I presume there was something trapped in the valve at the bottom or the seal at the top. Not something I could see or smell but there's something horrid there. So that's £60 I've gotta spend on a pre-brewed polypin from a local brewery, £20 wasted on the brew itself and about £40 on the barrel which I'll have to replace now. Fuck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sprigg Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Netflix keeps signing me out. I want to watch breaking bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glunk Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 my medication has made my thought process slow down, and while this is helpful in preventing anxious racing thoughts, it causes me to have far too many tip-of-the-tongue words that frustrate me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
logakght Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I'm just full of hatred right now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest A/D Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 winter derpression Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LimpyLoo Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I'm just full of hatred right now... I noticed that tone in some of your posts. What's going on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baph Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 (edited) My boss just: 1. Called a meeting in my office 2. Gave me an urgent assignment 3. Handed all employees, including me, their paycheck 4. Said unfortunately you're all fired because I can't make the next paycheck because my daughter has a wedding 5. Said that hopefully you'll all stay and do work for me and maybe I can pay you again if I get more money but we'll see I am not promising anything and I don't owe you anything and what I just said should insulate me from any legal liability over your termination 6. Berated us for not doing everything for him 7. Said you are young and can afford it 8. Stared at me blankly when I told him I have $200,000 in law school debt and need to pay for my own goddamn wedding because I don't have rich asshole parents 9. Gave me another assignment 10. Left work for the day and told us all to give him work product on Monday Edited December 14, 2012 by baph Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LimpyLoo Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 shit. where do work again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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