ignatius

wasn't sure but then i looked at that instagram link and mental illness is a thing. edit: this is old af and he's a sex pest apparently but this is still funny to me.

he's been talking shit for months hasn't he? complaining on camera about lack of ammo and feeding his troops to the meat grinder etc? more resistance to putin is always welcome but russia has historically won various wars by throwing soldiers at the enemy's bullets until they run out then finally overpowering them w/superior numbers. putin is well lodged into the seat of power. it'd be welcome to see some shit go down but i've little hope this will snowball into a massive revolt.. perhaps some kind of nagging insurgency but who knows. the whole thing is so endlessly fucking crazy.

spectacle really ramping up.

i'm currently in south florida (pembroke pines area) visiting family. jfc. this place. nice to see fam but this place stresses me the fuck out.

Slacker + Waking Life make a nice double feature

this is only half the operator. we need a modulator then we'll have some FM and this shit will sound dope

^^^ this guys.. so batshit about everything.

i suspect this will also happen in space sooner or later

yeah. my balls are turning blue.

When I moved to San Diego in 1997 there were many intersections, freeway off-ramps etc that have stoplights at the then where people would dump their car ash tray or flick their butts out the window. It was gross. If ya happened to get stuck at the light and be first in line the ground would be obscured by cigarette butts. They banned smoking at all the beaches because of people flicking their butts into the sand/surf. some company created a filter that’s biodegradable and has some seeds or something so if it’s discarded it will either breakdown or potential turn into some kind of moss or plant if conditions are right. But I don’t think it ever was adopted by any cigarette maker.

so is this the final couple hundred million they're going to generate for their offspring? i will always think it's hilarious that they call that guy "Edge". yuk. what a spectacle. edit: i'd like to see these 3 reunite for a gig at the vegas sphere

actual lol.

siri: did you just assume my consciousness status?

my friendship with WORLD is cancelled. NEW Best FRIEND is MOON.

i have a 50% or just shy of 50% tear in my rotator cuff on left shoulder. ha. nice. so, it's possible to have surgery for this but my doc doesn't really like to do it if it's not more than 50% tear. the surgery requires cutting away the rest of the tendon attacked to the bone and then using heavy sutures it gets anchored to the bone (requires bone drilling). so, if it's less than 50% he'd be cutting away more good than bad which doesn't make a lot of sense especially since i have good range of motion and my pain is way lower than it was when i started physical therapy back in october. the injury happened in mid september so it's been a long fucking time. so i get to wait and see and keep an eye on it etc.. possible to get a 2nd steroid injection in 3 months or so. but basically waiting for it to get worse before any more serious type treatment like surgery. so it goes. also, the surgery usually has about a 6-12 month recovery time w/PT etc. but out of commission for 6 months. so he said even if it was ripe for surgery he'd wait until fall so i don't miss the rest of summer ?

i guess it's a series they're doing..

i used to smoke weed when younger and it worked well for me but in the late 90s it became a nightmare for some reason then in the 00s it started to cause pain. i could feel every inflamed joint in my body and it would trigger acid reflux and i'd just become miserable. like a torture. it's a bummer because i used to love to smoke some weed now and then at night for sleep but it's off the table for me now. now that it's legal and i can walk to 4 different weed shops.. ha. i don't know if it's happiness or simply the removal of anxiety. maybe that's the same thing? happiness is something else i think. cycling helps w/all the stressors in my life.. more than anything else. consistently cycling and working on music are the best things i can do for myself. recent stress (last 5 years) has been a tough hill to climb sometimes so being stoned on xanax yesterday was quite blissful. but i'm all too familiar w/what a bad road it is to go down as a regular thing. fuck that shit. cycling has been my meditation for a long time now.. i should try actual meditation and see how it goes... i've read some about it and watched some science type video examining the effects on the brain from regular meditation and it sounds quite good. i do kinda space out before bed which is good. i think i'm just dealing with the emerging wave of what's coming.. aging parents, my own health issues, financial shit.. blah blah blah.. all those things that can suck hard sometimes but are inevitable and just part of this bargain we make to be alive.

yeah.. the title of blood meridian... "Blood Meridian: Or the Evening Redness in the West"

this is sort of a FW tie between victory/problem. i had an MRI this morning on my fucked up shoulder.. ironically my back has been fucked for like 4 days. i told my doc i get claustrophobic so he prescribed valium.. but was 3 pills of 2mg. this is an incredibly low dose. however, i had a half a bar (1mg) left from my previous MRI attempt which was denied because insurance.. so i took that about 45 minutes before the MRI and then one of the 2mg valiums.. and then i had some 5mg valium around from anxiety/panic attack days so i took one of those too.. so i was well tuned up for this claustrophobic torpedo tube sound art experience. i never used to have a problem but several years ago it came on like a trump moving like a bitch on hot celebrity... so since then i've had to take pills pre-MRI.. so, there's many types of MRI machines.. the torpedo tube which is what i expected.. going in head first.. there's the sandwich type which is like two pieces of bread and you're in the middle and it's open all the wya around. no big deal.. and there's a stand up type MRI and a tube type that is open on each end. this is what i ended up with today.. had i know i'd not have taken so many tranqs. as it goes.. it's been a while since i've had a xanax and as i was taken back into the room w/the MRI i was feeling fucking great and i'd forgotten how nice it is to not care about any fucking thing for a little while.. so win.. and when i got home.. i made a cup of coffee. drive was fine really. i'm a professional. so after coffee i did the yard work.. mowed, weed eater, edging, raked up leaves and put them in the compost bin.. now i'm super chilled the fuck out and making Spam Musubi because i have all the ingredients. this all sounds like win except now the memory of the "every thing is fine.. absolutely everything is fine" is going to be fresh in my head a while and i will miss it. i have no intentions of going to chase pills at doctors offices etc or buying them somewhere else for many reasons. tapering benzos takes forever and it's fucking awful. crushing. really just a shit show of every kind with potential for dysphoria and all that comes with it. so, i'm going to enjoy the rest of my day.. eat my fucking decadent snack/dinner.. take my cancer med and hopefully have a good night's sleep and improvements in my back. going to get some back work done tomorrow so that's good. maybe this will all work out fine but it's weird as shit and if i could get to this feeling thru meditation maybe i'd make a sincere effort because it seems like the only way to get there... other than well, sex and love and stuff.

after i saw the road someone described blood meridian as "like the road.. . but without all the feelings" (might've been someone here) which seems accurate. meridian is pure horror show vibes. i liked it but after i said to myself.. "wtf" and shook my head because wow.

RIP Cormac McCarthy https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/tributes-pour-in-for-author-cormac-mccarthy-a-loss-beyond-measure/ar-AA1cvnbI

what if there's 5 kids?

This could be safer for children. ?