Waiting to Live

[marf]

sometime after my late 20's Ive been waiting to live.  I have this imaginary life I should be living., but I'm not. Anyone else experience this?

 

[Squee]

I think I know what you mean, but please elaborate.

[taphead]

Yeah, the mind's warden can be pretty powerful. But just remember, you're the one paying them now! You can cut them off and live the life you want!

[toaoaoad]

[zero]

52 minutes ago, Squee said:

please elaborate.

yeah exactly.

like how deep down the rabbit hole do you want to go with this...choices are:

a) time

b) flat circle

c) red pill

but seriously...I think it's pretty normal for a person to concoct some daydream as to how they imagine their life trajectory will play out. people think oh yeah by x point I'll have this, and then after that happens this should happen, and on and on. but it's all a mental fantasy. a delusion. none of that shit actually exists! it is your mind making things up, based on how it thinks the future will be for you. and it is making this "plan" quite possibly based upon incorrect information.

usually how it plays out in reality is that when you don't hit whatever mental goals you came up with, you feel like shit, and then you feel sorry for yourself/depressed. but don't you see - YOU are the one making yourself feel like shit. that fantasy plan was never real in the first place, outside of your mind. so snap the fuck out of it, and focus on the reality of any given situation. pay attention to everything. train your mind to stop thinking all thoughts as long as it can. you need a clear mind to make correct choices.

ah whatever. just say fuck it man. roll with whatever life throws at you. so much shit is out of your control. getting all anxious about it doesn't do any good. we're all gonna die. can't stop that. and best to give up on all that afterlife crap, thinking the version of you will somehow live eternally. that IMO is what fucks so many people up in the world. believing they'll die and go off to some la-la land fantasy place. or go to a hot place under the ground. THAT causes unnecessary anxiety and fear throughout a person's life, if you ask me. it's all bullshit. all of it.

 

[cruising for burgers]

every goddamn day...

[YEK]

hope

1 of 2

verb

ˈhōp 

 

hoped; hoping

Synonyms of hope

intransitive verb

1

: to cherish a desire with anticipation : to want something to happen or be true

hopes for a promotion

 

hoping for the best

 

I hope so.

 

 

2

archaic : TRUST

 

transitive verb

1

: to desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment

I hope she remembers.

 

hopes to be invited

 

 

2

: to expect with confidence : TRUST

Your mother is doing well, I hope.

 

 

hoper noun

 

hope

2 of 2

noun

1

a

: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment

came in hopes of seeing you

 

also  : expectation of fulfillment or success 

no hope of a cure 

 

when they were young and full of hope

 

b

: someone or something on which hopes are centered

our only hope for victory

 

c

: something desired or hoped for

great hopes for the coming year

 

 

2

archaic : TRUST, RELIANCE

[Freak of the week]

mods pls merge this thread with

[auxien]

On 6/7/2023 at 5:02 PM, marf said:

sometime after my late 20's Ive been waiting to live.

did you feel you were 'living' in your 20s/late 20s? and things have degraded since that time in your life?

[luke viia]

sure. life often feels like having woke up at some strange elaborate costume party with my main goal being to convincingly pretend that I was actually invited and know where I am. figure it'll come to me eventually: "oh yeah I came to the physical plane to _______! duh! how could I forget?" and then I won't be waiting to live. 

you're probably doing fine, marf.

[marf]

On 6/9/2023 at 8:12 AM, auxien said:

did you feel you were 'living' in your 20s/late 20s? and things have degraded since that time in your life?

Oh yeah, df. I was fresh and new to the world. Lived a very sheltered life and then boom university. Partying. Friends who loved me. Became a townie. Life was in technicolor. Everything was pure excitement. Developed some mental issues after 30. Hints of ocd in my 20's but never major depression. Until it hit when I was 30. Closed off from the world. Gave into my introverted habits even more. I have in my mind of who I should be. Lack of funds to travel. Always talked of where I wanted to go with my Mom or sister, but it never happened. Most seriously my mental health or lack of it really got ahold of me. Preventing me from being that person. The under lying depression I live with . Now with anxiety and pure fear running my life. Ive had an awful last 7 years. I think I must have broke a mirror. 

I look at my sister who is having issues but they are external. I am my own worst enemy. Truly. She lives to the fullest. Gets energy from people. I wake up with gawd awful anxiety. 

The best phrase I can think off is that lyric. "Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone."  It's kind of been like that. knock on wood as I want to I've longer and be that other person.  Ive had friends hang themselves. Total shock, but a bit of a trigger. You get bombarded with news after being off Facebook for 12 years. 

 

[Wunderbar]

On 6/8/2023 at 1:25 AM, zero said:

yeah exactly.

like how deep down the rabbit hole do you want to go with this...choices are:

a) time

b) flat circle

c) red pill

but seriously...I think it's pretty normal for a person to concoct some daydream as to how they imagine their life trajectory will play out. people think oh yeah by x point I'll have this, and then after that happens this should happen, and on and on. but it's all a mental fantasy. a delusion. none of that shit actually exists! it is your mind making things up, based on how it thinks the future will be for you. and it is making this "plan" quite possibly based upon incorrect information.

usually how it plays out in reality is that when you don't hit whatever mental goals you came up with, you feel like shit, and then you feel sorry for yourself/depressed. but don't you see - YOU are the one making yourself feel like shit. that fantasy plan was never real in the first place, outside of your mind. so snap the fuck out of it, and focus on the reality of any given situation. pay attention to everything. train your mind to stop thinking all thoughts as long as it can. you need a clear mind to make correct choices.

ah whatever. just say fuck it man. roll with whatever life throws at you. so much shit is out of your control. getting all anxious about it doesn't do any good. we're all gonna die. can't stop that. and best to give up on all that afterlife crap, thinking the version of you will somehow live eternally. that IMO is what fucks so many people up in the world. believing they'll die and go off to some la-la land fantasy place. or go to a hot place under the ground. THAT causes unnecessary anxiety and fear throughout a person's life, if you ask me. it's all bullshit. all of it.

 

I feel like the hot place under the ground is getting closer and closer to the surface, Thats why its getting so hot on earth.

[beerwolf]

I’ve already had enough booze to kill a herd of yaks, I think I need some more to understand what the fuck is going on here  

[marf]

First awful event I went blind from lasik. Totally blind. The first year I moved to my new city.  The whole year. I could barely see out of the corner of my left eye. Just the bottom quarter at vey low light. 

Turned out I had some sort of herpes. The idiot doctor didnt put my on anti virals for the hell of it. He kept blaming me for being OCD and taking too much anti bacterial drops or some irrelevant shit. After that year I developed horrendous dry eye. Went through 100 vials of drops a day. 20 dollars a day of drops. for a Year. Did a warm compress eventually and that healed up the dry eye. The eye sight returned to 20/30 ish. 

Spent a good two years chilling. Had a good time. Zoloft kept me from getting too low. 

 

I should add,. Even though this waiting to live thing has been going on for a long time. Mainly because of lack of finances and my own shyness. 

Someone mentioned red pill. I think there is a bit of that. I can't tune things out anymore. Every possible bad scenario is on the table now. Because I think I gave myself brain damage from overdosing on DXM a few years ago. I was stable on Zoloft for 12 years.  I developed a cough in my new city. Lots of pollen here, but nothing helped. I had to get an allergy test. So I switched from Benadryl to pure Dxm you get at a cheap dollar store. I started tripping out. Losing track of dosage. Im not bipolar never was BUT I went manic. Asked god to let me see electromagnetic spectrum. See the milky way as it really was. I was convinced I was going to be famous. The whole thing. It always gets religious for some reason. I was driven to my sisters and my asshole brother in law called the cops. I picked up rocks, threatened to throw them at the cops. Put my finger in my pocket like I had a gun. I was spouting religious ideations and the cops started agreeing with me. I was already psychotic a couple days before. I was drawing plans for products we could sell. I became a really good artist. I didn't know I could do that. I had high creative output. 
 

But I got locked up for 5 weeks in a psych ward , they put me on bipolar meds. I had awful side effects like akathisia. Acute Dystonia. The idiot psychiatrist threatened to throw me downstairs where you get locked up for years if I didnt cure my Dystonia.. I begged her boss to lower risperidone which cleared the issue.  Being yanked off the Zoloft crashed me into a deep depression., Since then I lived in about 4 psych wards. A couple times for months. Because of suicidal ideation.  Got out finally and my Dad died. My mother had cancer during this whole ordeal. And I have been red pilled to fuck ever since. Cannot find relief from "what if" thinking. Im afraid to leave my house other than taking walks in my neighborhood. That one episode fucked me so bad. This isn't about waiting to live but more of a warning to not trip on cough medicine.  Oh, and I still have the dry unproductive cough. 

Edited June 10, 2023 by marf

[auxien]

3 hours ago, marf said:

Developed some mental issues after 30. Hints of ocd in my 20's but never major depression. Until it hit when I was 30. Closed off from the world. Gave into my introverted habits even more. I have in my mind of who I should be. Lack of funds to travel. Always talked of where I wanted to go with my Mom or sister, but it never happened. Most seriously my mental health or lack of it really got ahold of me. Preventing me from being that person. The under lying depression I live with . Now with anxiety and pure fear running my life. Ive had an awful last 7 years. I think I must have broke a mirror. 

that age range development of growing mental health issues is surprisingly common, i believe. the later events in your life (described after this post, temp blindness, ODing, friends and family health and losses) obviously contributed to a seeming decline in overall well-being....but nearly everyone on the planet deals with any variety of some of these things just as part of life, but no doubt that you've had a particular set of challenges you've dealt with over the years. i remember you mentioning some aspects of that (the temp blindness, i believe some time getting some psych help) and i have no doubt it could easily present a bleak outlook or lead to those feelings of living some incorrect/off life. how things seem ('i'm waiting for my real life to start') is a fair assessment, but it's incorrect.

many feel that way at times tho, and sometimes just hearing that back from others is some validation. despite the bad times it sounds like there's been some good in there, and tho it seems you're focusing on the bad experiences with those in positions of power/care have had, i'm certain there's a fair number of people in that time who've been kind and helpful. 

have you tried long term therapy or something like that as part of this? i'd assume as much given your time with the psych wards/etc. but it seems you might be in America which is of course a terrible place for getting actual help for mental health problems. i'm just some dork on a forum and surely no doctor or professional anything but i'd guess you're looking for and NEEDing regular professional assessment and care that a psychiatrist and/or therapist would likely be able to provide. and even if you've had 5 bad therapists, it might be the 6th who does good for you. shit like that, sometimes you've just gotta keep trying....fighting for mental health care in much of the world is an uphill battle.

anyway, the life you're living is your life dude. it may not be what you wanted, but very, very few of us are living the life we expected to. some might be in 'better' positions, but that shit's all relative, and none of us know what the other path taken really would've lead us to: those false ideas are often where the real delusion is. many, many people turn their lives in starkly different directions well into their 30s, 40s, and 50s. keep finding wisdom in John Cougar Mellencamp songs man lol 

[marf]

"none of us know what the other path taken really would've lead us to: those false ideas are often where the real delusion is"

I liked this, thanks

Yes, I've been trying to find therapy. I have to ween off ten years of 3mg a day of Benzo use. Thats going to be rough.  ButI want to try sms and Ketamine treatment. 

Just recently had a few scares,. and ratcheted up my anxiety. Now I have GAD, but I have to kick this Benzo shit as it can cause dementia

Ive done therapy but its often been awful. Sometimes I get sexually attracted to a female one. Just signed up for a new therapist. We shall see. Im on Medicaid so everything is very smooth. It's a sad shame the rest of society doesn't have it. Or some form of it.  Very afraid of losing it. The republicans are working on it. 

 

Thanks for the kind words

[cruising for burgers]

 

[cruising for burgers]

On 6/11/2023 at 2:57 AM, auxien said:

keep finding wisdom in John Cougar Mellencamp songs man lol 

yeah Mellencamp, that heartland feeling... he mentions it in the intro...

warning, explicit lyrics...

I'm not kidding, this song lyrics are hard af... like, the mundane, the ordinary, mediocrity...

 

also, thx to@cwmbrancity

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

anyway, it seems like you've been through a lot, none of my words will comfort you but I sincerely hope you get better... xoxo

Edited June 12, 2023 by cruising for burgers

[zero]

17 hours ago, marf said:

Ive done therapy but its often been awful.

idk what to tell you man. end of the day, it is YOU that have to change your mental outlook. others (such as therapists) can help give you the mental "tools" to do so. but if you're locked in a negative frame of mind, find fault with whatever advice someone is willing to offer, then you must see that the negative thinking is blocking the path out of your mental funk. why not snap the fuck out of it, try and always look at the beauty that is all around you? look at the fuckin trees, the sky, watch what the birds do...and appreciate the fact that the natural phenomenon occurring all round you have been here for millions of years, and will continue on long after we are all gone. remember your problems are nothing compared to some of the harsh shit that occurs in nature. or on a human level, your problems are nothing compared to what people in 3rd world countries go through, like being able to just eat and survive. there's no reason to think negatively on shit, because it could always be a lot worse.

you have to build your confidence in yourself if you want to be able to succeed in the game of life. I read some zen thing once that said you must always be the master of your domain, meaning you must always know exactly what is going on in any given situation, and be the one to figure out a plan if one is needed. 

Buddhism time - every human being on this planet goes through mental and physical suffering. just by being alive, we are gonna have to deal with the shit storm that life brings. and why is it this way? because humans make all these problems, due to hatred/anger/fear/anxiety that they concoct in their brains. none of that shit is real, it is all misguided emotional BS based upon incorrect thinking. and it causes everyone to "suffer." let all that shit go! like who cares man! this whole life thing is a rigged game anyway, so just keep that in mind. try not to worry too much about anything. 

[cruising for burgers]

1 hour ago, zero said:

or on a human level, your problems are nothing compared to what people in 3rd world countries go through, like being able to just eat and survive. there's no reason to think negatively on shit, because it could always be a lot worse.

I don't necessarily agree with this... ignorance is a bliss, isn't that what they say? it's like looking at those docs about famine in Africa but all the kids look happy af because they never saw a camera in their whole lives... let alone when they realize they're on a screen after the pic is taken... maybe it's a bold assumption to make but those children don't suffer as much mental problems as western 1st world countries do...

Edited June 12, 2023 by cruising for burgers

[exitonly]

2 hours ago, zero said:

idk what to tell you man. end of the day, it is YOU that have to change your mental outlook. others (such as therapists) can help give you the mental "tools" to do so. but if you're locked in a negative frame of mind, find fault with whatever advice someone is willing to offer, then you must see that the negative thinking is blocking the path out of your mental funk. why not snap the fuck out of it, try and always look at the beauty that is all around you? look at the fuckin trees, the sky, watch what the birds do...and appreciate the fact that the natural phenomenon occurring all round you have been here for millions of years, and will continue on long after we are all gone. remember your problems are nothing compared to some of the harsh shit that occurs in nature. or on a human level, your problems are nothing compared to what people in 3rd world countries go through, like being able to just eat and survive. there's no reason to think negatively on shit, because it could always be a lot worse.

you have to build your confidence in yourself if you want to be able to succeed in the game of life. I read some zen thing once that said you must always be the master of your domain, meaning you must always know exactly what is going on in any given situation, and be the one to figure out a plan if one is needed. 

Buddhism time - every human being on this planet goes through mental and physical suffering. just by being alive, we are gonna have to deal with the shit storm that life brings. and why is it this way? because humans make all these problems, due to hatred/anger/fear/anxiety that they concoct in their brains. none of that shit is real, it is all misguided emotional BS based upon incorrect thinking. and it causes everyone to "suffer." let all that shit go! like who cares man! this whole life thing is a rigged game anyway, so just keep that in mind. try not to worry too much about anything. 

for people with severe chemical imbalances (not implying anyone in this forum has one or doesn’t) it’s not that easy. there are definitely forms of mental illness that require medication to deal with. telling someone to just feel better isn’t always going to cut it.

[zero]

2 hours ago, exitonly said:

for people with severe chemical imbalances (not implying anyone in this forum has one or doesn’t) it’s not that easy. there are definitely forms of mental illness that require medication to deal with. telling someone to just feel better isn’t always going to cut it.

agreed. there's medication for help with this, and I'm out of my element if I said I have any experience at all with that.

hey he/you/whoever don't have to listen to me at all if you don't want to. since he posted this on a public forum, I'm guessing he was looking for advice or what not on dealing with some mental struggles. I know from experience it is not easy at all to snap your fingers and switch gears mentally, and chances are, a post on a forum isn't going to have much of an impact on making someone feel better. my intent was to try and highlight that there are a lot of factors we can control...a change in mental outlook has to start somewhere. I said what I said not to try and bring anyone down, just giving another random opinion on the internet. 

[zlemflolia]

 

[marf]

I already know all this stuff. Im probably 10 years older than all of you. Ive read all the self help books. Ive been in the most ghetto psych wards you can think of. Done the most physically demanding jobs. Taken on the weight of an ailing parent and paid their property tax. Watched them die. I am not from comfort. 

I just fucked my head up chemically. It is a mental disorder. Requires meds, absolutely. I have been stable before. I just think I gave myself brain damage with that cough syrup.  Im going to go to a Neurologist and get my head scanned. Im still seeking therapy. Hopefully I'll find the right fit. 

 

But the waiting to live thing is totally separate. I must emphasize that. Maybe the mental illness is tied to it, but I dont think as much as I think it's being tacked onto in this thread.

I know there are places kids swim in sewage. Im am very grateful Im not in those places. I eat my greens and cherish my place in the world trust me.

 

 

[marf]

32 minutes ago, zlemflolia said:

 

haha, you are lucky you aren't crazy. Really lucky. Having to walk around with a sick felling of fear in your stomach all the time.  Being so depressed you have to drink to oblivion to be dead asleep, and waking up disappointed you have to do it again. The actual percentage of people who have this is pretty low so I don't expect anyone to be that empathetic.  Just count yourself lucky.