Boards of Canada psychological confusion paradox

[vamos scorcho]

i really only want serious answers, not that i can't tolerate jokes but if you're making one please make it obvious so i don't get more confused. or something

 

i see a psychiatrist and psychologist but am not always convinced that they have the final say in the world. i believe there is a line between psychology and spirituality

 

so if you're willing to put a bit of thought into helping a stranger,

 

the facts:

A. I consider myself a very spiritual person, leaning towards spirituality and away from science, but cherishing science as well.

B. I am on anti-psychotic medicine, Zyprexa, though I have never been told what my diagnosis is by my doctor (a leading professional brilliant man, the best I've seen, and I've seen several)

C. I believe I am paranoid, though I am quite aware of my paranoia and question everything that I think several times over before really thinking it

D. For instance, I had a sort of revelation the other night that God was helping me through my problems. I connected with Christianity for several hours, and felt that I had found a faith for myself. I believed completely that this was my answer. The answer told me that if I trusted it, I would be OK. I must ask this question, even if it is immoral for me to ask it, it must be done, for if I don't ask it now, I will never know the answer and will continue to either sin or be confused or fail myself by listening to my thoughts too much.

 

an example of a situation where this question comes into my mind. this is but one moment in a day full of moments like these. i listen to existence, the universe, and believe that the chaos speaks to me. but how do i find a balance? should i always listen to the chaos? should i have faith in this belief? or should i continue to question it?

example:

I go to put a song up on my soundcloud page. The page fails to load for the first time in a week. I do not put the song up because this is a signal that I should not put the song up. I have projected my unconscious mind onto the dream of the world, and visa versa, and the world is quite literally guiding me towards the correct destination. At least I believe this.

but other times:

the world will tell me something that I very, very much don't know what to do about. today I went to download the Peel Session by Boards of Canada so that I could make a remix of Happy Cycling for my page, and again the page failed to load. I believed strongly and desired strongly to carry through with the remix, but had doubts as to whether or not it was the correct path for me. Part of me wishes I wasn't so conscious of the spiritual realm, because I believe there is great truth to it.

 

Will it pay off for me to get more in tune with these messages, and steer my life towards them? Or will it lead me into an intense paranoia that will be worse than anything I've experienced yet? It can sound like insane ramblings to somebody, and it almost sounds that way to me, what I've written here, but from my perception it has grown to make a great deal of sense.

 

anyway, paranoia sucks. mental disease in general is a serious bitch, though i thank god that I have it in some ways. it can hurt, but it can also feel incredible.

 

FUCK

[vamos scorcho]

I just figured it out. I am God. Everyone is their own God. How could I have forgotten this?

 

Writing that out really made me see the problem in front of me - I have been going a bit crazy. I can reel it in now.

 

I hate how sometimes you drift off into this entirely different zone of insanity and you don't realize it until much later. Though it is interesting.

 

Some of the shit that I was thinking about was fucking insane. And I realize everyone is a bit insane, and maybe I'm even less insane for knowing that I'm a bit insane. There is a line between self consciousness and blatant insanity. Something like that

[Zephyr_Nova]

Well, if the world sends you signs that would lead to something potentially harmful or life changing for the worse, I'd avoid that. But if it's telling you to go with a different song on the playlist or whatever, go with it if adds greater significance to things. Nothing wrong with that.

[Guest Lube Saibot]

Is this thread dead? Should i even make the effort to give my two cents?

[Guest chax]

do you think the medication you're on, and whatever other drugs you take are negatively affecting your mental health? how good is your own judgement and self-perception?

 

maybe take some time out from creating music for a while

[Guest Calx Sherbet]

i don't want to seem like i'm attempting to change the way you think. but it might be better to believe it was just bad luck, rather than believe that "signs" are impeding something you want to do. and i doubt it is saving you from anything dangerous (at least not in this situation)

[Dale]

do you think the medication you're on, and whatever other drugs you take are negatively affecting your mental health? how good is your own judgement and self-perception?

This is why I would prefer to see a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist if I had a problem or issue with my mental state of mind.

I haven't been too keen on the thought that the medication administered by psychiatrists just some how keep your mind "treated" - it does not really solve the root cause of the problem(s) in the first place.

[Guest Calx Sherbet]

and i guess i would just hope the "awareness" you mentioned doesn't get to you. i can see why you'd be bothered, thinking that life is guiding you. but it is your beliefs. just believe in whatever doesn't require worry and remorse

[Dale]

@Vamos -- everyone gets a gut feeling.. you can really interpret the signs your seeing into many different things. I personally wouldn't take too much notice. It all depends on the context and situation in which I suppose these "signs" become apparent but I don't know if you are almost implying that there is something supernatural having a role in your life.. is that what you may mean?

[Guest Calx Sherbet]

do you think the medication you're on, and whatever other drugs you take are negatively affecting your mental health? how good is your own judgement and self-perception?

This is why I would prefer to see a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist if I had a problem or issue with my mental state of mind.

I haven't been too keen on the thought that the medication administered by psychiatrists just some how keep your mind "treated" - it does not really solve the root cause of the problem(s) in the first place.

but in some cases of paranoia, i don't think there needs to be a problem to cause anxiety

[Guest Lube Saibot]

Wow everybody is actually taking you seriously. I guess i'll abstain.

[awepittance]

Zyprexa in my experience is a heavy heavy anti psychotic that for me personally made me feel like on the verge of passing out while going about my day. BUT it definitely did help take me out of my psychosis and get me 'back to reality' what it sounds like to me is that Zyprexa is not necessarily helping with your paranoia, but on the other hand maybe your paranoia would be even worse if you were not taking it. I just think possibly you should get a second opinion from a different psychiatrist.

[awepittance]

do you think the medication you're on, and whatever other drugs you take are negatively affecting your mental health? how good is your own judgement and self-perception?

This is why I would prefer to see a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist if I had a problem or issue with my mental state of mind.

I haven't been too keen on the thought that the medication administered by psychiatrists just some how keep your mind "treated" - it does not really solve the root cause of the problem(s) in the first place.

 

yeah it's always best to see a psychologist first, but with my brief experience with one they can just as easily recommend you go see a psychiatrist friend of theirs when they feel your problems are slightly out of their depth. even psychologists are still very much stuck in the paradigm that drugs can solve all problems, they just can't technically prescribe them to you. what happened to me was my psychologist told me 'you need lithium' and he just sent me to a friend of his who was a psychiatrist to 'evaluate me to see if i need lithium' in other words he just was signing off on the recommendation the psychologist alrady gave him.

I never got on lithium and im glad i didnt, i ended up working through my problems on my own.

[MAXIMUS MISCHIEF]

dont listen to the voices, theyre demons

[Guest Z_B_Z]

dont listen to the demons, theyre voices.

[Dale]

do you think the medication you're on, and whatever other drugs you take are negatively affecting your mental health? how good is your own judgement and self-perception?

This is why I would prefer to see a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist if I had a problem or issue with my mental state of mind.

I haven't been too keen on the thought that the medication administered by psychiatrists just some how keep your mind "treated" - it does not really solve the root cause of the problem(s) in the first place.

 

yeah it's always best to see a psychologist first, but with my brief experience with one they can just as easily recommend you go see a psychiatrist friend of theirs when they feel your problems are slightly out of their depth. even psychologists are still very much stuck in the paradigm that drugs can solve all problems, they just can't technically prescribe them to you. what happened to me was my psychologist told me 'you need lithium' and he just sent me to a friend of his who was a psychiatrist to 'evaluate me to see if i need lithium' in other words he just was signing off on the recommendation the psychologist alrady gave him.

I never got on lithium and im glad i didnt, i ended up working through my problems on my own.

Well, when money is involved, your health is not always put at the forefront of the mind of the person treating you. I'm guessing that you had to pay for the medication given to you by the psychiatrist? It is more profitable to prescribe medication rather than psychologically tackle the root cause alone (without prescribed meds). I'm afraid to say that especially in the US, money can influence medical related decisions, which is a shame. We don't know whether or not the first psychologist who saw you gets some kind of money share from his psychiatrist buddy for making the referral in the first place.

[Guest Lube Saibot]

Get a job.

[Guest Z_B_Z]

the bums lost!

[Guest Babar]

Zyprexa in my experience is a heavy heavy anti psychotic that for me personally made me feel like on the verge of passing out while going about my day.

this. Once i borrowed a zyprexa from my sister (who is bipolar type I) before going to school. It was like falling in a endless sleephole. NOw, if you can't stand zyprexa, you should ask your doctor for another medication. I'm currently on risperdal constat LP, and I've never suffered from side effects (i've never raved mad, i take it in fisrt instance to dull my synesthetic visual snow).

 

About psychologists : i first met one, then she redirected me to my current psychiatrist. I can definitively say medication helped me a lot, I think i owe it life. I wish I could say the same about talks with psychologist, but it just is not the case. My second psychologist was a TWAT(=>this is for transference's sake) who could only blush and stammer in response to what i said, although i aknowledge it can help sometimes. However vamos (and i'm saying this because your writing let me think you're probably schizosomething), you should keep in mind you're likely to bear up against your disease till your death. What you need is steadiness, be it someone to talk with or pills.

[Guest Gary C]

The universe isn't consciously picking a path for you, you're carving your own. Of course things happen to affect you, sometimes in life-changing ways, but it's nothing more than a sequence of events determined by a huge number of people acting upon their own wishes. It's random luck, or unluck.

 

We can't have free-will without allowing everyone else's free-will to intervene with our own.

 

But that's what I believe. I don't want to worry you if you're going through some sort of therapy, I have no right. But personally, I try not to let random events affect my way of behaving and thinking. But of course they will in their own way.

I've had some pretty harrowing times with paranoia and depression. I was seriously worried about my own mental well-being a couple of years ago. I don't consider myself to be as much of a fully-functioning member of society as I feel I should, but I feel happier knowing that I've got better and am getting closer.

 

Good luck, vamos

[OneToThirtySix]

B. I am on anti-psychotic medicine, Zyprexa, though I have never been told what my diagnosis is by my doctor (a leading professional brilliant man, the best I've seen, and I've seen several)

According to the wiki on it, your doctor thinks you are either bipolar or schizophrenic:

 

Zyprexa

[lumpenprol]

Zyprexa in my experience is a heavy heavy anti psychotic that for me personally made me feel like on the verge of passing out while going about my day. BUT it definitely did help take me out of my psychosis and get me 'back to reality' what it sounds like to me is that Zyprexa is not necessarily helping with your paranoia, but on the other hand maybe your paranoia would be even worse if you were not taking it. I just think possibly you should get a second opinion from a different psychiatrist.

 

good post, like Babar said. I too did some "spot treatment" with zyprexa for panic attacks, it was very effective for that but it did turn me into a bit of a zombie.

[Morpheus]

What you described sortof happened to me a few months ago. As the unusually strong feelings of intuition and "understanding" went away, in retrospect, I realized many of the conclusions I had come to were a bit off, and were the result of me drawing way more connections between things than was realistic. Don't be a afraid to pray or meditate or practice some form of religious devotion or practice. Just remember to try to keep it all in perspective. "God" is a pretty loaded word, be careful using it so loosely ;)

 

As for spirituality and psychology, there are options out there: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transpersonal_psychology

 

Btw, I have not had any recurrence of mania or unusual state (spiritual, psychological, or otherwise). I meditate on a regular basis and would recommend meditation to anyone feeling psychologically (or spiritually) stuck or lost.

[karmakramer]

WE ARE ALL COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INSIGNIFICANT SO JUST ENJOY YOURSELF AND FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE

[keltoi]

vamos, weren't you passionately promoting the use of lsd for mind expansion and the curing of negativaty in the world, etc? sounds like maybe you broke something in the process.

 

i'm not poking fun btw, just checking if i'm thinking of the right guy.