Post terrible idea for films

[cichlisuite]

Matt Damon is a talented but somewhat goofy Nasa intern. He gets to assist on the new James Webb telescope preparation for launch into orbit.

During final checks, Damon fell asleep inside the telescope, and people forgot about him. He gets launched into orbit.

Since Matt Damon is only in his lab coat, crocks and a nametag, now trapped inside with minimal air and freezing temperatures.

A three hour emergency meeting is held at Nasa headquarters when Matt Damon is reported missing and presumably on the craft.

Precious time is wasted, and the team has now only 3 hours to get to Matt Damon out of orbit and save him from dying.

Will they make it?

Edited January 16, 2018 by Godwin Austen

[auxien]

Shorts: a man is drug to the mall by his wife to buy him some new shorts that aren't dad shorts or cargo shorts or short pastel ones that make him look like a douche. they go to every store and almost leave but it starts raining really hard so they eat lunch at the food court and decide to try a few more stores. there's no hope but then they try a weird store with lots of crazy clothes from other countries and they find one pair on a clearance rack and the day is saved. also neither of them are attractive and none of this is funny. low-stakes drama about the everyman.

[hello spiral]

Is this based on a true story?

 

*looks Auxien in the eyes*

[MadameChaos]

Shorts: a man is drug to the mall by his wife to buy him some new shorts that aren't dad shorts or cargo shorts or short pastel ones that make him look like a douche. they go to every store and almost leave but it starts raining really hard so they eat lunch at the food court and decide to try a few more stores. there's no hope but then they try a weird store with lots of crazy clothes from other countries and they find one pair on a clearance rack and the day is saved. also neither of them are attractive and none of this is funny. low-stakes drama about the everyman.

 

is it starring Martin Short? if it is I love it and it's the best idea ever, if not I hate it and it's the worst idea ever.

[auxien]

^Martin Short can be in as the wife or a random retail worker but he can't be zany because the film cannot be funny at all (not that Short is actually very funny, but just in case).

Is this based on a true story?

 

*looks Auxien in the eyes*

It is but not one that happened to me. It's more of a general middle America tale I pulled from the zeitgeist to illustrate the inanity of modern capitalism and the banality of the common man. I'm sure this exact thing has happened to hundreds, and thats why it would be such a terrible film.

 

Or something.

 

Edit: or all parts could be played by Martin Short and directed by Tyler Perry and be a zany fun trip, sure.

 

Also did I include enough pure bullshit to make myself sound like a jerk because that's definitely what I was going for. Hope it was enough.

 

Edit 2: this film is very important to me.

Edited May 27, 2018 by auxien

[Candiru]

The Russian mob trains dolphins to rape as a form of terrorism, but all they end up with are a bunch of super horny dolphins that can’t stop cuming stupid hard. They pump all the extra dolphin semen into a cement truck and take it to a lab to make it into performance enhancing drugs for their Olympic curling team. All of them die. Life finds a way.

[patternoverlap]

^Martin Short can be in as the wife or a random retail worker but he can't be zany because the film cannot be funny at all (not that Short is actually very funny, but just in case).

Is this based on a true story?

 

*looks Auxien in the eyes*

It is but not one that happened to me. It's more of a general middle America tale I pulled from the zeitgeist to illustrate the inanity of modern capitalism and the banality of the common man. I'm sure this exact thing has happened to hundreds, and thats why it would be such a terrible film.

 

Or something.

 

Edit: or all parts could be played by Martin Short and directed by Tyler Perry and be a zany fun trip, sure.

 

Also did I include enough pure bullshit to make myself sound like a jerk because that's definitely what I was going for. Hope it was enough.

 

Edit 2: this film is very important to me.

Shorts are a bafflingly political item of clothing. I'd avoid wearing them all together if it weren't the temperature of boiling water here most of the year.

 

 

just remember: below the knee a juggalo ye be :^)

 

[Ragnar]

Richard Gere makes Buddhism depressing in two hours to make white people feel uncomfortable

[zaphod]

a quiet place but the family are scavenging around the countryside and the son finds a black panther bluray on the ground and starts telling the dad how mediocre it is and everyone is shushing him and crying and this giant cultural marxist lesbian sjw comes galloping out of the woods and grabs him.

[Ragnar]

27 amen breaks eat David Foster Wallace's head, unbelievable smegma economics

[Candiru]

David Foster Wallace rises from the dead and runs for pres

[Candiru]

Where The Wild Things Are, by Spike Jonze. 

[patternoverlap]

Knights of the Round Table starring Jordan Peterson

[MadameChaos]

The I Ching - story of a money obsessed narcissist from New York who suddenly has a heart attack, she awakes and finds that she is not alone. The film depicts several afterlife scenarios - reincarnation, heaven, hell, nothing, redemption, the buddhist void - the film is told through a first person perspective of the main character so you never see her gender until the very last shot of the film which is her laying in her penthouse flat downtown, about to die and we suddenly see her reflection in a window to reveal its a woman all along. Let's build the mind's eye stereotyping of the viewer who will invariably believe the lead to be a male. 

This actually sounds pretty good.

[Guest]

During final checks, Damon fell asleep inside the telescope, and people forgot about him. He gets launched into orbit.

 

This is hilarious. When was the last time someone made a sci-fi comedy? It's been ages since RocketMan

[Zephyr_Nova]

Jim Jarmusch directs a reenactment of the Mundane Everyday Occurrences thread.

 

 

*oh sorry, I thought this was the "post excellent idea for films" thread.

Edited April 21, 2019 by Zephyr_Nova

[ghOsty]

In a post-apocalyptic world, one survivor makes his way across the country from the Midwest to California to reach his dream of going to Disneyland, not a lot happens on the way there, just having to switch cars every so often. Everytime he meets someone and they ask his plan for survival he just answers "I'm going to Disneyland"... Eventually, he gets there, but of course there's no power and he can't really do much, so he just sits there at the gates for a bit... roll credits.

[Zephyr_Nova]

A team of former 'nam vets turned flat-earthers sample the earth to find its crust is in fact a flatbread pizza crust and global warming is caused not by us but by a giant oven that we've been inhabiting for the last 6 billion years, operated by former Viet Cong turned aliens who know how to cook a good pizza.

Edited April 22, 2019 by Zephyr_Nova

[iococoi]

 

Erin Cavendish goes undercover at her family's chocolate plant to see why sales are down when she meets head chocolatier, Bryan, who has new ideas on how to update the Easter product line.

 

awwwwwwww

[Candiru]

Meghan Markle causes a bit of a stir in the Royal Family after a prolific streak of waffle stomping in all the royal showers. After a lengthy internal investigation within the family as well as Markle and Prince Harry, suspects are eliminated one by one. A complex plot to relocate them and have them both cloned and replicated begins to materialize, with help from foreign “allies” with sinister motives. This is further complicated by her pregnancy as well as documented sightings of dead historical figures in various cities and remote locations across the globe.

 

Directed by Ridley Scott

[iococoi]

Meghan Markle causes a bit of a stir in the Royal Family after a prolific streak of waffle stomping in all the royal showers. After a lengthy internal investigation within the family as well as Markle and Prince Harry, suspects are eliminated one by one. A complex plot to relocate them and have them both cloned and replicated begins to materialize, with help from foreign “allies” with sinister motives. This is further complicated by her pregnancy as well as documented sightings of dead historical figures in various cities and remote locations across the globe.

 

Directed by Ridley Scott

 

[MadameChaos]

It's 2019 , post metoo. Maz is impregnated by the Big Evil Man without her consent. Big Evil Man hasn't kept up with the times and has forgotten that you can't just impregnate women any more but he needs to send his Son back to Earth to save everyone from an eternal hell he created for some reason and despite being a powerful and all knowing , can't think of a more simple way to fix things . Maz now has to decide if she should get an abortion and abort the Son of the Big Evil Man and dismantle the universal patriarchy , but in doing so doom all of humanity to an eternal pain and suffering , or if she should carry the product of Divine Rape and therefore tacitly approve of all this nasty business. Sound track by soundcloud chart topping mumble rappers covered by Mozex

This story sounds familiar somehow...

[MadameChaos]

Short's Short Shorts

 

Starring Martin Short who is for some reason wearing very short shorts which make everyone he comes into contact with uncontrollably attracted to him and to chase him in sped up motion al la Benny Hill. This goes on for three hours all the while accumulating a larger and larger crowd until they eventually catch him and eat him. OST by Merzbow.

[Soloman Tump]

Terminator: Salvia starring Edward Furlong, as himself.

Edited April 23, 2019 by fletcher

[Soloman Tump]

On 4/23/2019 at 4:04 PM, Soloman Tump said:

Terminator: Salvia starring Edward Furlong, as himself.

 

Weirdly, this almost came true.

 

Friends Movie: The Reunion.

Oh, wait...