stupid first world problems you're dealing with

[Cryptowen]

i bought $60 worth of groceries today using the money i made playing a show last night, but then in the afternoon i just went & destroyed all of it (smashed a full carton of eggs into the sink, tossed an open thing of coffee grounds across the kitchen, threw out a bunch of meat & buckweat, poured out all the creamers) while saying "you don't fucking deserve to eat" loud enough that the people next door conspiciously stopped talking. i had a brief urge to throw my computer at the wall but then i calmed down

 

i notice that in recent days i've been slipping back into some destructive headspaces from a few years ago, perhaps as a biproduct of living alone & being unemployed again & thus been left largely to my own devices

 

at the end of a day like this i always tell myself "okay tomorrow we'll start being really strict again & channel this energy into music, and in two or three days of not eating anything & doing a lot of meditating we'll be cleansed enough to be able to go outside". like no hyperbole this is a regular occurance where i feel deeply unclean in my being & have to undergo a several day long purification ritual before i can leave my apartment (and usually at least a week or two of strict routine adherence before i feel like i can interact with anyone who knows me irl. it's like i'm rebuilding my shell persona or something)

[zaphod]

that is far beyond the scope of a first world problem

[dingformung]

Doesn't sound good. Next time don't do that, aight?

[Cryptowen]

Doesn't sound good. Next time don't do that, aight?

when it happens it feels like i'm floating over my body watching it go. like usually i'll even be commenting on it in the moment like "oh, this again...hope it stops soon". i remember first becoming consciously aware of it in highschool. but according to my mom, when i was a little baby there'd be times where i'd just start slamming my face into things, seemingly with the intent of causing injury. i do have very early formative memories of becoming enraged whenever i'd make a mistake on one of the little math quizzes my dad used to get me to do - punching myself in the face & doing it over until I got it right. i do that at dance parties sometimes as well when i'm rly emotional, just start hitting myself in genuine anger until I draw blood

 

the main reason i want to believe in reincarnation is so that i can keep doing this life over until i get it right. i feel like that's what's happening. there's a sense of familiarity to everything. i feel like i've done all this before, but not quite the same way

 

edit: i should also clarify that it's always been self-directed, at my own body or property, seemingly as "punishment" for something. never violence towards other people

Edited August 5, 2018 by Cryptowen

[Braintree]

It sounds like you may benefit from some counseling.

[dingformung]

I've studied psych for a while as minor subject and these kind of actions are often related to borderline or bipolar disorder or just depressive frustration. But yeah, some specialist could probably tell you what it really is.

If you ask me all that psych stuff doesn't help. You have to forcefully suppress your feelings and take control over what you do, no matter how it feels

[Cryptowen]

You have to forcefully suppress your feelings and take control over what you do, no matter how it feels

tbh this has been my approach largely. i got scared away from seeking professional help because literally everyone else in my family did that & ended up becoming dulled & unhappy (in their own words), and growing up i felt like i'd rather be violently unhappy then like that. i've gotten much better in the last few years at recognizing these states when they're coming on & catching them before they become outward expressions, diminishing them, laughing them off like "oh you silly brain problem, i don't identify with you, i'm beating you, i'm growing out of you". so looking at the slip ups in the last few weeks doesn't feel so much like genuine concern as self-annoyance, because it's in a sense costly to put myself in this position where i don't feel like i can leave my house for a few days. i want to go do yoga & shit. but imma try to make the most of it by getting some music done & photos done & maybe draw or write.

 

sry for filling up this thread with vague mental quagmires

[dingformung]

 

You have to forcefully suppress your feelings and take control over what you do, no matter how it feels

tbh this has been my approach largely. i got scared away from seeking professional help because literally everyone else in my family did that & ended up becoming dulled & unhappy (in their own words), and growing up i felt like i'd rather be violently unhappy then like that. i've gotten much better in the last few years at recognizing these states when they're coming on & catching them before they become outward expressions, diminishing them, laughing them off like "oh you silly brain problem, i don't identify with you, i'm beating you, i'm growing out of you". so looking at the slip ups in the last few weeks doesn't feel so much like genuine concern as self-annoyance, because it's in a sense costly to put myself in this position where i don't feel like i can leave my house for a few days. i want to go do yoga & shit. but imma try to make the most of it by getting some music done & photos done & maybe draw or write.

 

sry for filling up this thread with vague mental quagmires

 

Well, then you should maybe really find some wise person to talk to that can help you open up possibilities that are in you. Some shaman or healer or some shit or some actual psychotherapist

[Cryptowen]

^i would like to! i still find myself engaging in intellectually stimulating banter with people i view as peers, but it feels like it's been a v.v.long time since i've encountered anyone who felt like i could truly view them as a teacher or an authority figure or a healer. i do recognize that i have some trust issues in that regard, perhaps somewhat of a defensive "it's a shithole but it's my shithole" mentality w/r/t my brain

[dingformung]

All I know is that there actually are some wise men and women with a lot of understanding of the human nature (if there is such thing), I guess most people have the instincts to notice if they can trust this or that person. Personally I would feel weird to actually reach out for help and try to find psychotherapists or whatever but if you throw away the eggs it's actually crossing a border for me. Imagine how many eggs you will waste throughout your life if you don't seek help man

Only half kidding, if you really do irrational stuff that damages you it might actually be good to ask someone who knows more about this kind of stuff

[Cryptowen]

Only half kidding, if you really do irrational stuff that damages you it might actually be good to ask someone who knows more about this kind of stuff

i mean i did give several thousand dollars//all my money to random people on the street once over the course of about 36 hours, and as a result of that spent several months sleeping in parks on a big piece of foam i found ouside a shoe store. and probably a great deal of money lost doing shit like this ie buying food & throwing it away. sunk opportunity costs from going into these vague states & losing entire days where i could be working (and that's the only thing that really makes me feel happy any more, feeling like i'm working on myself or on art stuff). it all feels very suboptimal & like it's hampering my progress. gonna sleep on it, thx dude

[dingformung]

Next time give several thousand dollars to me ;P

Or you can instead donate it to some charitable orgnanisation 

[chenGOD]

 

 

Fucking squirrels and chipmunks keep getting into the garden and pulling vegetables off the plant. They don't even eat the vegetables, they just in there to fuck things up. Going to have build a serious fence and roof thing this weekend.

 

re: Kerouc "On the road". when i was living abroad, I had a discussion with a friend that i met there - another Canadian. He said he didn't rate it that highly cause he'd already traveled the world by then - much more than Kerouac had done by his age. Which to me is missing the whole point of the book. It's not about the locale - it's the experiences and relationships that you build in life.

 

And yeah, that kind of hedonism is good fun, for a while, but after some time, you just get to be like that 40 year old guy gurning his teeth off in a grim club. I'm currently listening to Frank Ocean's "blonde" record a lot - and I feel like you can't get that album unless you lived some in the party scene, and experienced the resultant emptiness at the end of it.

Nowt empty here fella. Still having good times! Don't get old. Adulthood is when childhood turns into a corpse.

Yeah, lol, guys. I just recently quit my job, put all my stuff in storage and yesterday flew on a one-way ticket to South Africa. And I'm 39. It's a possibility that I'm in my forties when this trip is over. I have no planned end date.

 

Granted I very rarely go to parties anymore. Couple of beers in a bar and a bit of smoke now and then are enough for me. I'm more interested to going to the desert in Namibia and climb them dunes. And I might be freelancing while I travel if I find customers.

 

I did a similar thing in 2015 for 8 months so it's not like a "big life changing thing" anymore but I really love to have this kind of off-year once in a while. This is the third time now.

 

 

 

Yeah that's all cool..I'm talking about, you don't want to end up like this guy.

 

[zaphod]

what i think i look like listening to idm

 

 

what i actually look like listening to idm

 

[zkom]

 

 

 

Fucking squirrels and chipmunks keep getting into the garden and pulling vegetables off the plant. They don't even eat the vegetables, they just in there to fuck things up. Going to have build a serious fence and roof thing this weekend.

 

re: Kerouc "On the road". when i was living abroad, I had a discussion with a friend that i met there - another Canadian. He said he didn't rate it that highly cause he'd already traveled the world by then - much more than Kerouac had done by his age. Which to me is missing the whole point of the book. It's not about the locale - it's the experiences and relationships that you build in life.

 

And yeah, that kind of hedonism is good fun, for a while, but after some time, you just get to be like that 40 year old guy gurning his teeth off in a grim club. I'm currently listening to Frank Ocean's "blonde" record a lot - and I feel like you can't get that album unless you lived some in the party scene, and experienced the resultant emptiness at the end of it.

Nowt empty here fella. Still having good times! Don't get old. Adulthood is when childhood turns into a corpse.

Yeah, lol, guys. I just recently quit my job, put all my stuff in storage and yesterday flew on a one-way ticket to South Africa. And I'm 39. It's a possibility that I'm in my forties when this trip is over. I have no planned end date.

 

Granted I very rarely go to parties anymore. Couple of beers in a bar and a bit of smoke now and then are enough for me. I'm more interested to going to the desert in Namibia and climb them dunes. And I might be freelancing while I travel if I find customers.

 

I did a similar thing in 2015 for 8 months so it's not like a "big life changing thing" anymore but I really love to have this kind of off-year once in a while. This is the third time now.

 

 

 

Yeah that's all cool..I'm talking about, you don't want to end up like this guy.

 

 

 

Lol, yeah. Just pointing out that there are other options beyond living regular 9-5 working/family life or being a constantly drugged out traveler.

 

For me the hardest part of these long trips is that it's pretty hard to have a meaningful long-term relationship with these kind of conditions. Dating somebody usually implies that you don't disappear for 8 months and then decide to start living somewhere completely different from where you started..

 

On the other hand I make much more friends when traveling than "normal" life and the friendships that can stand this kind of testing grow stronger while the weaker casual acquaintances get weeded out.

[Squee]

what i think i look like listening to idm

 

 

what i actually look like listening to idm

 

 

what i actually look like listening to idm

 

[dingformung]

I'm cooking pork ribs with cole slaw and fries but realised I have no fries and I've had some beers and can't even go get shop fries . I tried convincing myself that eating them without the fries is better because of health ... but I cannae believe my own lies

now that really is a problem

no other carbs in house? potatos? noodels?

[Squee]

Another 16 hour workday...

[auxien]

Another 16 hour workday...

 

Wish I had a job 

 

I'd be here complaining about it if I did, of course.

[usagi]

I hate my job and am also looking for a new one.

[usagi]

ok. your years of WATMM/iddems experience will surely lend you referee credibility.

[Cryptowen]

i officially quit my dishwasher job but my former boss still contacts me whenever the current washers are a no-show to see if i'll cover. and in the moment it's always like "oh sweet, i could use the $100ish i'd make from this, and also lots of free food (aka an opportunity to binge eat & feel shitty about myself for a couple of days after)". but there's this background trepidation, this sense that all i'm really doing is continuing an unhealthy relationship with this job & this city & this time, and i'm keeping myself comfortable enough that another year will go by, and i'll still be in the exact same position i am now, telling myself that eventually i'll discover a path to a better career, or i'll be recognized for something i actually want to be recognized for, or i'll be able to deadlift enough weight to feel good about myself as a human being.

 

fingers crossed that this current unemployment leads to meaningful change rather than just being part of another familiar cycle.

sometimes it's a bit concerning, it seems like all i do each day is work out & meditate & make music & spend way too much money on food, and none of these things seem like they lead anywhere, but still i feel like that's all i want to give my attention to. i want this all to lead somewhere good. i want to look back at this period many years hence & think "yeah, that was definitely the grind era. i'm glad i kept at it & didn't give up". i don't want this feeling of the walls pressing in a little closer each day, or this sense that i'm always becoming a more diminished version of myself. less to say. less potential. more remote. less emotions. calcifying.

[Cryptowen]

sorry yeah i won't post this sort of material again. disregard previous posts plz

[usagi]

sorry yeah i won't post this sort of material again. disregard previous posts plz

 

you know, most people here are quite sympathetic to your story. but it does annoy man to witness you becoming manic and indulging in self-destructive behaviour and endless navel-gazing without trying to pursue some healthier ideas. have you tried therapy/help instead of working yourself into a dishevelled, raggedy state and endlessly self-analysing that? what about meds? you need more stability.

[YEK]

i bought a cheap ass tv to replace my broken one and just realised it's a cheap ass tv

i'm going to take it back for something better i thinks. i might go entry level 4k